July 24, 2010,
C.M. asks from Cypress, TX on July 22, 2010
Divorce, Children & New Boyfriend
I filed for divorce October 2009, my ex and I agree upon mostly everything. He is a good father (sees the boys every Wednesday and every other weekend) but our communication is a little poor because he is, never has been, good with words - if there is an issue of any sort, he stays quiet and I resolve.
Here we go:
My divorce will be finalized August 30th, I have been dating a man for 8 months - I know, I know not a lot of thinking time in between but in all honestly my ex and I have been mentally and emotionally split for 3 years, just physically living together, for the sake of our boys - this man and I knew each other for a year and a half before we dated, we were associated through my best friend and her husband (his brother). I'm completely in love, as is he, my kids love him and he absolutely adores them and treats them as his own. In total we have all been around each other, as a family unit, only 3 weekends, other than that it has been casual with friends and their kids around at the same time. At the time I am living with my parents, which is fine and I could handle longer if that is what should be done, but we really want to start our life together.
Is it too early to move in together?
K.B. answers from San Antonio on July 23, 2010
Yes. Why are you in a rush? Even though the boys like him... let them have time to adjust their feelings about building a new family. If you can afford to not move in just wait. If you have known him for 1 1/2 years allow the boys some more time with him and him more time with them. Allow them to go through the Wow Pow and Reality of a new relationship. That is to say... wow-he is different than Dad and that is cool. Pow-the first time he does something or several somethings that they don't really care for. Reality-regardless of the yucky stuff I have seen, I am ok with him-he is a keeper.
2 moms found this helpful
J.W. answers from Dallas on July 22, 2010
Honestly you will have to answer that question yourself. Speaking from experience, I would give it more time. There is a huge difference between you guys being together on the weekends and being together every day, especially with kids. My advice would be to take it slow. I am going through my 2nd divorce and I can tell you I will never bring another person into my kids lives while they are living with me, it is too risky. I had no idea how their step-dad would be around them - I thought I did, but I was wrong. This guy may be great and a wonderful, loving person and all may be fine...but if you aren't 100% sure yet - take your time and make sure.
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D.B. answers from Charlotte on July 22, 2010
Candace, he needs to "date" your children, not cohabitate with them. It's too much to ask of your kids to share their home with a man they don't know.
You can still be in love with him and not have him move with you (or you with him). Give your kids some time to transition. This hasn't been easy for them.
8 moms found this helpful
P.G. answers from Dallas on July 22, 2010
As a child of divorce (several times over), I say do NOT move in together until you are married. Granted, no one can guarantee that a marriage will work out, but it's a commitment. Living together is not a commitment, it just feels like one. Every relationship you get into now involves both you and your boys - you and whoever you get involved with have to realize that marriage is the end goal of a serious relationship. If you just want to "have fun", then don't involve the chidren. If you're serious about this man, and he's serious about you, then take your time.
My mother was a "serial dater". She did not consider our emotional well being. She sprang a marriage on us when I was 14 - it lasted 3 months. Another boyfriend moved in with us when I was 15 or so - he lasted for several years, I let my guard down, and then it ended.
No relationship you have now is just a relationship you're having. It's a relationship your kids are having as well. Do your best to have a good relationship with their dad. If you do make it official with your boyfriend, make sure he understands that he is a co-parent with you and your ex, and that all 3 of you need to be civil for your kids. I know from experience that this is possible, and it makes ALL the difference in the world.
7 moms found this helpful
T.F. answers from Dallas on July 22, 2010
I'm sorry but your children should come first here. This divorce is not even final yet, even though you knew each other well before STILL, these kids grieve the parental split and need time to adjust to the new lifestyle put before them.
As a child of divorce, the parents move on, fall in love, blah blah BUT the children live with it daily, splitting time between 2 families, feeling torn apart.
If this man truly loves you, he will work with you to ensure the best transition for your children. That means getting to know your children, building a relationship with them. Don't just throw them into another change with an instant dad.
I am not oppsed to living together before marriage, I did , BUT I did not have children. You are also setting an example for your children. They are very impressionable and I think they need to see true committment, meaning you and your man be committed to those children. You've only spent 3 weekends together in a year and you are ready to move in?
Please take time to let this relationship grow. If it is a true relationship, it is worth the wait.
7 moms found this helpful
H.P. answers from Springfield on July 22, 2010
I was the woman dating the man with kids in this scenario (your boyfriend's position) and can say we dated for one year when his divorce was final and then moved in/got married. Was it right? Who knows. But here's some perspective: I've read all the books about stuff like this and they say it takes 3 years to emotionally get over a break-up, and that's starting from the day the divorce is final. In hindsight, I do wish I'd waited a little longer before launching into a commitment. Time gives you the benefit of seeing people in their natural state, not all made-up, sweet-smelling and pretty/handsome. Over time, the mask we wear comes down to reveal our true selves. You adore your boyfriend but do you really know him well? No. Rushing into a relationship is not fair to you or him or most importantly to your kids. What if you see a different side of him next year and want to bail? What will that do to your kids, who get close to him but then have to live through another crumbling household? What lesson are you teaching them about love, relationships, and stable family life? Personally, I'd take more time to date each other... like another year at the very least... before tying the knot. Truly, what's the rush?
6 moms found this helpful
L.N. answers from New York on July 22, 2010
please honey wait. what;'s the rush? let your kids mourn the loss of their family unit. spend some time with them. let dating alone for a couple of years, and concentrate on yourself and your children.
my answer: too early to date. too early to move in together. too early to get married...for your children.
5 moms found this helpful
L.M. answers from New York on July 22, 2010
Yes. It's too early. Both you and your children need time to adapt to your new situation. In addition, it's not fair to your children to replace their daddy with your boyfriend.
4 moms found this helpful
M.G. answers from San Antonio on July 23, 2010
If you have children I wouldn't suggest moving in with anyone who you aren't married to. If the situation doesn't work, then your children suffer the blow also. There is nothing wrong with maintaining separate residences until you are married. Too many people these days think its appropriate and it sets bad examples for our young ones. If you believe in God, then I would suggest to pray on it. If not then I don't want to push religion on you, but just think morally about whether or not you think its a good situation for your children.
4 moms found this helpful