Disobey the Disciplines

I taught my daughter that there were things she could make decisions about (I called it "regan way") and there were things she just HAD to do (I called it "mommy way"). the mommy way was NO ARGUING - ie car seat, brush teeth, hold hands in public etc. Around 3 years old was when she started wanting to do it ALL her way, so differentiation was very helpful to her. I started giving her freedom on things she could "choose" ie: pick a pair of pants, which veg do you want for snack and really emphasized the stuff that she got to make the decision. Then when it was a "mommy way" there was NO alternative. And if she didn't want to do it all activity stopped. Don't want to hold my hand? We don't cross the street. Can't cross the street - no park today. We HAVE to cross the street for an appointment you must hold my hand, if you don't we will be late and there will be NO play time at home etc etc etc.
We only really had about a week of transition and she was so elated to have so many things she could pick that she short of eased up on the dictatorship of the rest of it.

Good luck - 3 was by far the toughest age..... but she's only 10 now, so teenage is coming!!!!!!

I like to give two positive choices, even if they don't seem necessarily *positive* to us adults. 'I need you to stand in this line with the other children, or you may do x (sit on the floor, sit in a chair, hold the teacher's hand) until you are ready to stand in line". With my son, when he wasn't being safe, I always gave him a choice "We are by the street and I need you to be safe. You may walk and hold my hand or you may ride in the stroller (buckled in). " Instead of enforcing the stroller or a short break as a punishment, it's just a choice which has been offered as a positive, not a negative consequence.

You might try the resources/books listed on the Positive Discipline website, or perhaps the Love and Logic style might be more attractive. Three year olds are trying to assert their personalities and independence; this is very par for the course for young children. Do be sure to give him times when he can run free-- like at a high school track, or large park-- in places where you can keep him within sight, but with space that allows him a feeling of independence.

For what it's worth, when I taught at daycares, those kids are often experiencing highly-structured days where they are offered less choices/free time than they might have at home. Having to negotiate following the group through the day, sharing/taking turns with toys, and constantly following the teacher's directions-- it's no surprise that he's showing a little of his own initiative which looks to us like his being 'disobedient'. Be sure, when he's not at daycare, to give him lots of downtime on on weekends. Overly busy/structured kids miss out on things like developing rich imaginative play as well as opportunities for continued play; this is a realm in which children develop such abilities like persistence and perseverence and other problem-solving abilities. (You can read "A Good Enough Parent" by Bruno Bettelheim for more information in this area.)

Good luck! Three Years Old keeps us on our toes!
H.

sounds age appropriate to me too! Also, a daycare that expects a child to just listen without any "tools" or "tricks" doesn't sound too good IMHO.

Dr. Sears is good, so is Harvey Karp - both should have you tube videos and they also have websites. I also LOVE love love Lawrence Cohen and his "Playful Parenting" approach.

The gist of playful parenting is when you put things into an attractive format, the preschoolers follow along willingly. Once you get the hang if it, it doesn't take any more time - and less actually. Using imagination and fun, which they are so into right now, to your advantage helps immensely.

This site has wonderful expert discipline techniques that can really help:

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T060100.asp

As for crossing the street, you just have to force him to hold your hand, pick him up, or use a stroller.

Sound like very typical 3 year old behavior to me. I am sure the day care people want you to work on practicing how to line up at home because they want things to go smoothly for your son and everyone else when he is there. But I am also equally sure that your son is not the only child who doesn't want to stay in line!

As for hand-holding- if it is a safety issue, then it is non-negotiable. You hang on to his hand no matter what. If he throws a tantrum, be prepared to institute a time out in the car for 3 minutes until he calms down- then try it again.

You just have to do these things over and over and over and over! You will be SICK of it, lol, but it is the only way your son will learn that a tantrum or refusing to listen to you will NOT result in what he wants- he will still have to do it anyway!

give him what independence you can in safe situations and places- and stress that this independent time to do what he wants is a REWARD for listening to you and holding onto your hand when you say it's time to.

Practice lining up and waiting in line or holding a partner's hand at home to be ready for school- remember, with a bunch of toddlers to take care of, staying in line and staying with your partner is a safety issue too, and you want your son to get the hang of it!

Make a game out of it- let him use his stuffed animals to make a line to 'cross the street to go to the park' or something like that. You take a partner and hold its hand and your son has to do the same. Stress that if he lets go of Mr. Elephant's hand, then Mr. Elephant could get lost or wander into the street and so it is VERY important for your son to hang on to him.

The next time YOU are crossing a street with him, say " I need to cross this busy street, but I can't do it without a partner to hold my hand, just like Mr. Elephant. Who will be my partner to be safe?!?" I bet your son will be jumping up and down to take mommy's hand and be your 'partner' :)

Good luck and hang in there- this is perfectly normal for his age!

Have you had his hearing checked?
About crossing the road, not holding your hand is too serious to risk.
If he won't hold your hand, you need to pick him up to cross the road.
Does the daycare center have a younger group?
Maybe he needs to be with the younger children who have less structure.
If that exists.
I like your use of the word mutinous, BTW.
Good imagery.
===================================
If the standing in line is simply for going outside or coming back inside,
then it's a way for the teachers to keep order, or try to keep order.
However, if the standing in line has to do with leaving the premises,
perhaps for a walk around the block, it may be unrealistic
to expect the children to stay in line.
I've seen preschools around here that use a rope.
Every child must hold onto the rope.
There's an adult at each end of the rope.

I'm not sure what to say about daycare because my daughter is in the same boat. Crossing the street though is another issue. How can a 3yr old refuse to take your hand? He doesn't want to hold yours? Too bad! Take his hand, or his wrist. Or carry him if he pulls away and you're afraid to grip too hard. If crossing the street is for a fun activity, not a must that you need to do to carry on with your day, then don't do the fun acitivity. You want to go to the park? Then hold my hand. You don't hold my hand, you don't go to the park.

Have you ever asked him why he doesn't listen to the teachers? Let him tell you "his side", then explain that he has to listen and do what he's told even if he doesn't like it. Everyone has to follow rules even mommy's and daddy's.
Even if he is wrong, let him explain himself so he feel heard, then you can teach him the appropriate actions and explain to him why. In dangerous situations, you need to tell him he does not have a choice that you are his mommy and it's your job to keep him safe and that he does not have to like it. Check out the website www.familyeducation.com. It has helped me with my strong willed child.