Discipline Chart & Chore Chart 6Yr, Two 7Yr Twins, 8Yr All Boys and 13Yr Girl

Hi,
I am also a mother in a blended family with four kids. I have two biological (9 and 11), my husband has one adopted (13) and one biological (9). All of us live together, our ex-partners are not involved much. We have been together as a family for 6 years now. People say being a mom, even a single mom is hard, try being a step mother!
We posted a dry erase board on our refrigerator for chores. Each kid has "morning chores" which consist of making their bed, getting dressed and fixing their breakfast.
Then there are "dinner chores" which consist of each kid doing an age appropriate job like sweeping under the table, or feeding the dog, etc.
There are "bedtime chores" in which each kid gets pajamas on, flosses and brushes, and gets ready for our family story time.
And each kid has a weekend chore as well.. these are bigger chores that are only once a week, such as emptying the trash cans in to the main one..
The chart shows the chores (when they were younger it was pictures, now it's words) so each kid can look at it to remind themselves what needs to be done.
On the chart each kid has a "bank account" where they can save up to go "buying". We give each kid $2. allowance per week, 1/2 of their bday and holiday money goes into this spending account and 1/2 goes into a real savings account. We go buying every few months which teaches the kids to budget/save and I believe teaches good work ethics.
The chart also shows a -$.25 when a kid didn't do a chore on time or needed to be reminded. We not only take off money for not doing the chore, we give out an "extra chore" (they took our energy to remind them, they give it back by doing another chore for free).
The cool thing is on the chart there is a list of extra chores that the kids can do to make extra money whenever they feel motivated (which believe it or not happens quite often.

Each week we sit as a family and have a "pay day". Each kid learns a bit of math (how much allowance, then add or subtract and add to the existing account). Usually with each kid theres one chore that is consistently forgotten so they can reflect and do better the next week.

This chart has worked well in our family because the consequence is there, I'm not nagging and reminding to get chores done. Each kid knows ahead of time what is expected so there's not a lot of loop holes or arguing. It's pretty black and white. The kids like this chart as well, they can always look to see how much money they have and dream about what they'd like to spend it on.

When we choose this method, we tried to make it so it wasn't another chore for my husband and I. We sat with the kids as a family and discussed how everyone who lived here needed to help out, that we are a family. We also had a list prepared of age appropriate chores and let the kids pick so they could feel like they were truly working together as a family.

As far as the pooping thing, our 13 year old still wets the bed. He obviously doesn't like it and doesn't want to do it. Even though he's my "stepson" (I actually never call him my step son, to me he's my son), I have made doctor appointments, chiropractor appointments, have done the alarm clock, etc, etc. It's definitely hard for a parent to say my kid has a problem. I explained to my husband at an appropriate time, that I made a doctors appointment for our son to see if there's anything we can do to help him, now that he's 13. My husband was happy to see my involvement, said great let me know how it goes, and my son was happy to feel like someone was trying to help him. Unfortunately, nothing has helped him to stop wetting, yet it did rule out any physical concerns.

As far as discipline, I wouldn't get chores and discipline on the same page or chart if you will. It also must be extremely hard only having some of the kids some of the time. By the time they transition, it's time for them to leave. I'm not good at advise, I can only story tell my experience, however I might think about disciplining the group that's with you all the time and letting the part timers slack a bit. Be more of a friend then a parent to steps, they seem to respect it more.

Let me know if I can share any other stories with you, all in all I feel like my family is hard work and a great reward...
Good Luck

1 mom found this helpful

I'll be praying for you... :)

"They" say the hardest job in the world is being a step parent. The second is of course, is being a parent. I was going through similar issues with discipline and behavior, and even as I write this I'm thinking of how to keep level-headed and cool throughout my day - with being a SAHM to my 7 y.o. girl, and his 10 y.o. boy and 14 y.o. girl all summer long.

What we've come up with (with help from a book called Love and Logic) along with a chore chart, is a House Rules posted in the hallway between all of their bedrooms.

The rules consist of the basics:
1. Respect All Beings
2. Be Smart With Emotions
3. Practice Good Hygiene
4. Limit The Waste of Food and Energy
5. Complete Weekly Chores Charts.
The are little sub categories within those 5 rules, but I'm not going to go into it cause then this way too long...

Chores consist of basic things like:
1. Clean your room/pick up stuff everyday by 6pm, or whatever is left on the floor is mine.
2. Make your bed.
3. Bring dirty clothes to laundry room.
4. Fold/Put away clothes.
5. Put your dirty dishes in dishwasher when needed.
6. Set the table for dinner.
7. Dust.
8. Take out trash.
9. Wash windows.
10. Clean hall bathroom.
11. Read for 30 minutes/practice spelling/math.

We give out weekly allowances based on their ages in half, my daughter earns $3.50, his son $5, and his daughter $7. For every time that the basic house rules aren't met, along with whatever chores were not completed, I take 25 to 50 cents away from their allowance... they could also lose privileges such as tv, video games, computer time, friends, treats, etc.

We strive to make our blended family happy and respectful, however it has been VERY difficult because their mother is a very mean and bitter person - telling them damaging lies about their dad and my daughter and I. We're going through counseling all together, whenever we have them and so far it's made a good difference in attitudes.

As far as for the 7 year olds problem... that really seems odd and they should be seen by a doctor. Having family counseling time could really boost the morale in the house too.

Good luck and I hope this all helps!

1 mom found this helpful

CHeck out www.activeallowance.com. Gives some great options for chores & even has options to help the young ones learn how to budget what they earn. It is a really positive way to start down the path of not only gaining self-reliance & responsibility, but earning points or money to then use for donations & yourself.

I have a chore chart for my 3 year old, simple things like make the bed, pick up toys, pick up trash, help mommy. I also made a book for him that has his rules and consequences in it. When he does all his chores he gets to put a smile face next to the chore before he goes to bed. If he is bad he has to look at his rules and consequesces book and we find the rule he broke and then the consequence that goes with it. It has really helped with the "terrible 3's." Good luck! Don't give up things will work out!

M.

chech out the parenting book love and logic

its nice to see other blended families on here!!!!we dont have a discipline chart but we do have a chore chart i have a 10,9,7,7,5,and 3 year old.the 7 year old and 10 year old are my stepsons.i am in the same boat as i know there's womething not quite right with his youngest son but he blows it off.

as far as chores though i'm a stickler.i took a piece of cardstock for each child thn glued a clothspin to the top of it and then at the bottom of it an envelope.I made up a bunch of chores on small squares such as make bed,brush teeth,vaccuum,clean counters,and so on.then every morning i pin up their desgnated chores on their clothespin they look through what chores they do(i rotate the chores except for the personal hygene ones they all have those)when they're done they put it into the envelope so both me and them can see that its done and thn if they havent done the chore the right way they have to do it again and they have that same chore the next day to reinforce it.

good luck!!!!being a blended family is hard i know.one idea i've used on my own kids and have seen it used in behavioral treatment homes for discipline is levels.you figure out a level program say you could color code it and each set of colors comes with their own priviledges every morning they begin in the middle with the normal amount of priviliges such as getting to play outside and watch tv then if they behave well they move up which may mean they might get to play video games or go to a friends house but if they're not following the rules they move down where things start to be taken away such as playing outside or talking on the phnoe or computer time

HTH
W.

www.housefairy.org. I was given this site by a friend and it really seams to be working. I don't have to nag my kids and if something needs to get done that they haven't done - the house fairy comes for a visit. My kids are 8,7,6 and 4.5 - so other than your 13 year old - they should buy into it. I would speak to the 13 year old separately unless she still believes in Santa - because the House Fairy is Santa's sister ;).

Anyway - if the rooms aren't done, and the house fairy comes - she doesn't leave a gift - if they are done - she leaves a gift. I've gotten water balloons at the dollar store and glow in the dark bracelets - they've even gotten a movie (one we would have gotten anyway).

Also, when we clean - we do it all together - at the same time. I don't necessarily have chores assigned to each child - it's just 'clean up time' and we all pitch in. Sometimes there are certain things my sons want to do - like vacuuming the stairs - sometimes I do it, but we all work together - so it might help to set aside a time when all chores get done. Time management.

Hope that helps!

WOW!! Sounds like you have your hand full. I admire you for your continual efforts to improve your family life... (I'm always trying to make ours better)...

Anyway, the job chart is a good idea. I have one up on our wall and rotate the chores weekly. Since we have 5 kids, I came up with a list of 15 jobs to be done each day--three for each child. I used to have them rotate daily, but found out that that does NOT work well. Now, I rotate the chores each week. (It's written in a format where we can see 5 weeks worth, each child's name is a different color, and we can see how the rotation/pattern goes) and each week, I move the red arrow which points to which week it is for the chores... Whenever we have a question as to whose job it is to do which chore, all we have to do is check the chart.
The challenge is not in figuring out who has which job, but how to get the children to do their jobs without nagging them or punishing/threatening them...That's the part where I need advice... Usually, what I end up doing is taking away a privilage after I have asked them 3 times to do a certain job and they have not done it...but too often I get distracted (easy to do with 5 kids) and do not follow through as quickly as I should... (It's a whole lot easier said than done) Good luck with this challenge.

Now, to the incopresis--my son has that issue as well--he's had it for most of his life and is now 9 and still dealing with it. We took him to a doctor (several doctors to be more accurate because we are in the military and the doctors keep getting transferred before we solve any issues)...Anyway, one doctor which was VERY good took lots of tests to pinpoint what is actually going on. She took x-rays and cat scans, etc... The x-rays showed that our son has a fused tailbone and lacks some of the nerves down there--as a result, he often does NOT feel when he has something in his pants...In addition to this, he was often constipated--due to the incompreseis..
.The doctor's advice was to regulate his diet. By giving him more fiber (such as Benefiber, or fruit fiber pills) once a day, the fiber would help his bowels be more consistent. Another thing that we do is to send our son to the bathroom immediately after each meal, this trains his body to go at a regular time each day. (We have even spoken with his school teachers and explained his unique situation to enlist her help with sending him to the bathroom after lunch each day while at school. ) We are also challenging him to make it through a whole week without any messes. We fill out a sticker chart and work on earning prizes...so far, it hasn't happened--meaning he hasn't earned a prize yet for staying clean for a whole week

Something else that we have recently done was to make a chart (yes, another chart). This was an assignment from Chris' phsycologist so we can try to figure out when and how often he has accidents...
The title of this chart is "Chris' BM Activity" I keep it posted on the back of the bathroom door in the kids' bathroom. The different columns are as follows:
Date. Time. Activity he's doing. Mood. Queue time--time I tell him he needs to go clean himself. Actual time he cleans himself (to see how long it takes him to actually take care of himself)
We have tracked his BM activity for a couple of months now and have pinpointed that he usually has his accidents sometime between lunch and 4 pm...and that he is usually "hyper-focused" when it happens--meaning he is too focused with his gameboy or computer game,or whatever he's doing that he does not want to take time out to take care of his needs. We have also noticed that his mood is usually good when the accident happens, but if he sits in his dirty pants for too long, his mood soon gets rude and mean...

(Our psychologist agrees with the natural consequences approach--in this situation,it means that if Chris chooses to sit in his mess, then he'll have to accept the fact that other kids will tease him...and if he gets a rash because of his choices, then he'll have to deal with it...plus Chris' dirty clothes get put in his own special laundry bin and he gets to wash his own clothes--thus we are advocating the responsibility over to him.)

Good luck with your challenges. Hang in there! I know you are doing the best you know how...I hope my input will help in anyway possible... And do Not forget--LOVE your child--no matter what!! :-)

--L. Williams
A little about me: My husband and I have been married for 12 years, and have 5 very active children--4 boys and one girl--ranging in ages from 11 yrs old down to 3 yrs old.. We are in the military, so we move around a lot and meet lots of people. ;-)

I use a rock jar with my son, he's 5. We've been doing it for a year or two and started with a smaller jar for the first couple times then moved to a bigger jar. I bought a vase at Goodwill and once when we were at the beach, we gathered stones (you cold use marbles, shells, anything). When he's good, does what he's asked to do, does his chores, etc he gets to pick a rock to put in the jar. But when he's bad a rock gets taken out of the jar. When he fills the jar up, he gets $1 to go to the Dollar Store or a toy from Target or extra TV time, etc. We give him a few options to pick from. I like it because it's a very visual thing. At any time he can see how full the jar is. We tried the star charts but were never good about keeping up with them on a daily basis but the rock jar has worked well. Good luck.

Hi,

Hang in there. I would like to say it will get better but most likely not. My husband and I have been married for 15 years, I had two children from a previous marriage. It was the major strain in our marriage. They have moved out and are married and it is still a strain. I would strongly suggest family counseling. It helped us alot and made everyone feel involved and included in the new family. Also I would try discipline together. We had the chore list and included us. Our chores were work, paying bills, etc, this way the children see you too have responsibilites. Hope this helps.

UGHHH I am so sorry. My husband and I went through this EXACT issue with my stepson. He had been doing it prior to the divorce to. We (I) took him to a pediatrician, gastrointerologist(Spelling?), back to the pediatrician, to a special clinic at primary childrens hospital who then referred us to a psychologist. They ruled out all possible physical ailments and determined it was a psychological issue. He did it for control. When he couldn't control things around him he would poop.
It was a major fight between my husband and I, his ex wife and I and my step son and me.
It is unhealthy to have them bathe in the tub to clean off and then have the baby take a bath in there. After talking with our Dr I took a "tough love" aproach. We explained if he CHOSE to poop in his pants, then he would have to be washed off outside of the house. I made sure the Dr supported me in this and was firm with my husband about it. (this was after years. He was 12 by the time I got to this and people made fun of him)I explained to him it was unhealthy to have him clean up in the tub and that he had the ability to control himself. So he understood the consequences of having a accident. After about a month of being hosed off in the backyard (humiliated and cold) he decided he was done with it!
So, my suggestion is~First go to a Dr to make sure it is not a physical issue.Next~Take them to a counselor.Finally~ try the hose method. It is not worth years of going through it. Other kids can smell it and they will begin to make fun of them and not want to be around. I think it is cruel to NOT help them gain control!
Oh and the job chart~excellent cause it takes you out of the equation as the mean stepmom yelling. This is our house. As a member of this family we are each expected to contribute. If you do not do what is expected this is the consequence.
Follow through and in a month or two it will be better~
It does get better too! We have been married 11 years now and we have 10 kids his-4 mine-2 ours-4!
Good luck!
Email me if you have any questions!

Hi M.-

Of course, everyone needs a chore chart. Your husband needs to help you mintain consistency. If he is not willing to do that, then I recommend counseling for the both of you. You are doing way too much, clearly, and he is much less committed than you are to raising your children appropriately. And of course the twins need to see a pediatrician. If everything is normal, then have them clean their own messes up. Every time. If your husband thinks the behavior is appropriate, he can clean it up. Sorry- but you're right; this is ridiculous.

With high hopes for you and your family- S.