Dilema on Inviting an Older Friend to a Birthday Party

I think it's pretty normal for friendships between kids of different ages to fluctuate. My son played constantly with a boy in the neighborhood who was two years older, but at various times they stopped playing together and then started up again due to normal changes they were going through. Of course, it's usually the older child who doesn't want to play with the younger. For instance, when the neighbor kid was hitting around 6th grade, he didn't want to play with my kid anymore, who was in 4th grade, but then when my kid hit 6th grade and the older was in 8th grade that was okay again until he was in highschool and my kid was still in middle school. Now they are both in high school and occassionally pal around tho they don't see each other alot (different schools, etc.)
I would try to help my child weather the changes and understand it isn't necessarily a personal rejection. Two years is a big difference when you are a kid, but next to nothing when you're all grown up. Also, kids will get rejected and so will adults in various ways. You can't protect them from life but you can teach them how to deal with it.

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Hi R.,
If I were in your position I would feel very insulted. You really don't know if it was the girl or the mother. How did you explain to your daughter about not being invited to the neighbors B-day party? You already know that it is inevitable that the girl will be pulling away soon. (because of the age difference) It's the same with siblings.
I would be the better person and invite the girl to my daughters party. If she doesn't show so be it. I'm sure your daughter will have a great time without her with all her other friends and family in attendence. If she is hurt, then all you can do is explain that maybe something came up that she couldn't make it. Most likely your daughter will confront her later and get the real reason. Whatever it is, if she is hurt all you can do is comfort her. You just have to be understanding and get your child to understand how they will be going through some changes too-maybe not now but when she gets her friends age-, and that not everyone will be happy about it either. Inform your daughter that her friend may think this new experience she is going through, is just a growing stage and she just may come back because she relises that it was the wrong thing. If she doesn't then your daughter should be happy for her that she is growing up and moving on just like she should do.
You've heard of the saying. If you love someone let them go. If they come back they were always yours. If not move on.

Sorry so long. I hope I helped. Good luck!

A.

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The good think about party invites is if you get a reply she is not attending, then it is not a rejection but that they can't make it to the party. Regardless of the reason, you can tell your daughter she is busy and can't come if she RSVPs, no. It is sad that this is happening, but if your daughter still wants to invite the girl, I would. You never know. Kids grow up fast and maybe some day the older little girl will be in control of her own choices in friends and remember your daughter's efforts in keeping the friendship and what a true friend she was. They are young for that, but you never know! Also, when it comes to not being invited to her party, maybe it was better for your daughter. You don't know what the older friends are into and it might have been good that she was not exposed to older things yet.

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This is a tough one. I would not invite the girl and tell your daughter that her party is for her school friends. I do not agree with what the other mother is doing but that is life. As parents it is our right to pick and choose who our children associate with. It is pretty clear that the other mother has decided that your daughter is no longer on the approved list. I would not set up my daughter for another disappointment. Good luck. This has happened to both of my children too and it broke my heart. It is a lose/lose situtation.

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Definitely invite her if your daughter wants to. There are always kids who can't come and if she's one of them, so be it. I wouldn't get too invested in whether or not the mom is slighting you -- or at least be aware of which uncomfortable feelings are your own and not your daughter's. If the older girl really is moving on, you can explain it -- "she's a bit bigger and the same way you don't always want to play with 4 year olds is maybe the way she feels, but you can still do some things together, etc." We have a neighbor that's 3 years older. My daughter thinks he's her peer which of course he's not. That said, they do play well together here and there but he's obviously not interested in lots of play dates, etc. That said, when she had her birthday he actually asked to come! So, relax and let it play out naturally. Your daughter is old enough to understand much of this and even if she's a bit hurt, it's a good opportunity to talk about those feelings as well. And -- let go of your feelings about the mother. You don't know for sure what she's up to (if anything), and she doesn't sound like a good friend so she's not worth your time to fret.

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It has been made clear that they are neighbor friends, but not same age friends. Consider it to be equivalent to not inviting a boy to an all girl party. They can still be friends, but they may not have friends in common.

Don't worry so much about it. Your daughter will be making lots of friends her own age and will not be so in need of the friendship with the neighbor.

Do you have an older brother or sister? Know how they love to play with you until
a friend their age comes over? Does that mean that your sibling doesn't really like you?
No, not really.

If it really is bothering you, ask the mother why your daughter wasn't invited to her daughter's B-day. Maybe she thought that she would feel uncomfortable around a group of girl's that are older. Or maybe it was a cost issue. Maybe the daughter really does like your daughter, but didn't want her friends to think she played with "babies".
The pressure to fit in can be terrible at that age.

Perhaps, just say that you're planning a party for your daughter and you would like to invite her daughter. But, although they get along well, you weren't sure if she would be comfortable being around a group of girls that are younger than her. What does she think? Should I send the invite to your daughter? GOOD LUCK!

Hope this helps some.
S

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You may find out more about the situation by inviting the girl. If she declines, perhaps there will be a reason for missing the party. If you don't get any reason or even a response, it says a lot more about the friendship (and the mother) than you know today. If she accepts, there was less of a dilemma than you realized! Hooray!

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That's a difficult one because it's not just this party, I know. I think kids will tend to socialize with the kids in their school/class as they get to school age, and that's normal.

On the other hand, neighborhood friendships can be forever! I'm still in touch with my oldest friend, who became my neighbor when I was in Kindergarten. We were in different grades and different schools, and we had different friends, but the friendship has lasted more than 30 years! So you never know.

Personally, I'd invite the girl if your daughter wants to. You won't be able to protect her either way if she loses this friendship.

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I say, if your daughter wants to invite her to the party, invite her. I have dealt with this in my neighborhood for years and relationships can change from year to year. And .. probably what you see with her parents is true but don't punish their child because of their parents - you'll be a better person by rising above the pettiness. I've also lived challenging neighborhood situations with adults and I can only say... time does heal and things really do change. Also... sometimes age difference can challenge a friendship... you may see the neighbor girl pull away from your daughter, only to return in a year or two. I've lived this.

Best of luck to you.

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my younger daughter is 6, and we invite her older sister who is 9 now, to all the parties obviously. There have also been daycare kids who are closer in age to the older one who are invited. If my 6 yr old wants them there, I will invite them.

The older kids NEVER have an issue with being around the younger kids at a party. Now my older dd's playmates and dd herself sometimes wish the younger one didn't have to tag along, but they are nice about it. And at a party, it takes care of itself.

N.

I wouldn't

If they are already distancing themselves, I wouldn't invite more rejection for your daughter, plus, if the mom is they type you breifly described, why bother??? Who needs a friend like that?

Of course you should invite her. If the neighbors don't want to come, then they won't come. Don't decide for them. It's what your daughter wants, not what you are perceiving the "slights" to be.

The girls' relationship will run it's course. Their age difference is just one factor in their relationship. Maybe their personalities are growing apart. No need to step in unless the neighbor girl becomes "bed news" and your daughter should avoid her.

I would not invite the girl, 2 years difference in age can be quite a bit and it doesn't seem your daughter will be included in the others activities.
M. H.

R.,
Don't think of it as rejecting your daughter, it's a rejection of the party. If your neighbor's daughter likes your daughter she will still like your daughter. Include her in the invitation, but don't carry on as if it is a personal jab, should she not attend.
Did you send a little card or recognition of the neighbor's daughter's birthday, after you were told about the party? Maybe the neighbor didn't want to make you feel obligated to provide a gift if invited to the party, but after she told you about her birthday, she was "feeling" out your interest in the girls' friendship.
Socializing in a friends group may be more difficult if the neighbor's daughter is involved in clubs or activities not 6 yr old age appropriate. Find an organization or group that is for your daughter's age and she will make friends, too. You are lucky to have neighbors with children close in age that you are friendly with. Get involved in a community organization with your daughter, it's a great way to find others with the same interests, and teaches a little about charity and community service.

It is your daughters party and if she wants her friend to come, then I would inviter her. If she decides to come, fine, if not you can tell your daughter that she can't make the party. There is no rejection there, just that she can't come.

Best leave things alone. You don't want to be turned down by the other mom and she probably doesn't want her baby playing with a 6 year old any longer. Your daughter is learning things in school that she probably shares with the little one and the mom doesn't want her baby to grow up any faster than she already is. In the long run, it's better to seperate them now. Besides, your daughters oher friends may not get along with a 2 year old and may end up snubbing your daughter on the next occasion.

Perhaps you can get through to the mother by telling her how much your daughter looks up to her daughter, how much you welcome her influence on your younger daughter--play to the ego. While you can understand developmental differences, as others have said, those will diminish with time and it would be wonderful for the girls to have a long term relationship. Don't expect her to be there every day or for every event, but just keep them in touch. Kids are flexible. DOn't sweat it too much.

Hi, R.,

I hope you will invite the girl and see if she comes. Maybe it is the mother; if not, let the party be your last gesture toward maintaining the relationship as you explain to your daughter that sometimes we don't feel comfortable with a friend any more, and this is one of those times for her friend.
Good luck!
S. F.

This is not about the mom, it is probably about developmental differences. 6 year olds are very different than 8 year olds, and think about it this way...when she is 10, they will be talking about 12 year old things that might be too old for your daughter. The older kids are harder to entertain at parties, particularly if there isn't an older sibling to play wih. Compromise could be to invite her to your family party so she could join for cake?Or invite her over for ice cream to celebrate on the real birthdate? They really have little in common at this age, but that will be different when they are 14 and 16 (LOL). Good luck.

R.,

You've had a lot of responses on both sides of the issue so I'll try not to be repeatative.
I've worked with youth of all ages for over 15 years. the age differential for girls is really tough when they are 6 and 8. It gets better next year, at 7 & 9, but will become tough again at 13 and 11, etc. etc. In short it's an ebb and flow and in my experience, mom's get much to heavily invested in the friendships of their daughters. We tned to project our own past hurts on the situation, sometimes rightly so, but more often than not, our daughters are tough enough to weather the storms just as we did.

That said, there is no harm, no foul in sending an invitation. Look at it as a chance for your daughter to learn the differnce between close friends and associates.

Good luck and Good growing

I would not take a chance at an important day like her birthday. If she's gotten a snub from her she may expect to be the center of attention at 8 yrs old. They can be very catty at that age (went thru it as well) and it may ruin her birthday. Explain that you want to keep the limit small and that maybe a future invitation may be extended. She will be just as happy having her same-age friends there. Sounds like the mom is rubbing some of habits off on the daughter. It happens.

R.,

I say move on. If this other girl is a neighbor friend - which it sounds like - then the reality is that maybe the girls are/have been friends just because it's convenient. Now that they are getting older and into more activities (particularly the other child) she may not want to hang out with a "little kid".

I wouldn't worry about it too much. Just realize that they are occasionally friends. Focus on your child's friends that she sees everyday at school or at her own activities.

Maybe if your daughter feels "down" about "losing" this friend, you can redirect her attention to inviting a classmate over for a play date or doing some special "mom time" with you? Don't ignore your daughter's feelings, just explain that she too has other friends and it's nothing against her personally.

Invite her because your daughter wants her to be invited. In life things happen and I have found that what goes around comes around. You might be facing the same problem on the other side of the fence one day. Be the better person and invite her.

id invite the other girl. why not? 2 wrong doesnt make it right. show them that youre the better person.our children will encounter rejection through out their lives just explain to your daughter thats its ok to make new friends and old friends will be there.

I would definitely invite this neighbor girl to the party. Then you have carried out your daughter's reasonable wishes, and if the friend / Mom declines, that is their loss.

Invite your daughter's friend. It is up to that little girl and/or her mom to decide if she comes. Don't let the mom's drama interfere with your child being friends with that little girl. If her mother is going to be petty, she will keep giving her daughter excuses about why they can't be friends. Then it falls on her shoulders, not yours.

For what its worth, when I was little (4-5 yrs old), my best friend was 3 year older than me. She lived next door and we played almost everyday. The reason our friendship dwindled was due to my family moving away years later.

hi R., I understand how you feel, but I'm sure your daughter doesn't...If she wants her friend to come over, then you should invite her...it's a thank you if you come and a thank you if you don't come...kids love kids...they never think of age, race or statis...they love unconditionally...heop the party is a fun one for your daughter.