My son & I go to several mommy & me groups through our local libraries, parks & rec, church... We just started a new one, he's been 4x and is not himself each time. He is shy and clingy to me for most of it, real unenthused, doesn't participate as much as usual... He's 20m could he know this is a 'new' group of kids and feel like an outsider? Should I keep going? I like the program, but not his reaction. Is it healthy for him?
liz,
I think it might be too much for him. Is there a different set of kids each time if so you should probably try to get him involved with them like introducing him to some of the other kids or starting a game for them it could really help break the ice beetween him and other kids.
that or I do think he might just want a little more time with his mommy. I hope this helps you
Dear Liz:
Just remember that he doesn't HAVE to run around and play to be participating. He can sit in your lap and nurse and then look around or even sit next to you and play with a toy or look at a book and STILL benefit from the group. BUT, I also agree with the viewpoints of the other Mamas below. I just wanted to point out that children learn differently and don't have to behave the way we want or expect.
Best wishes!
M.
Hello. Have you asked him if he enjoys being there and wants to continue? if he doesn't, then find something you both jive with because his instincts are telling him it's not safe - and he doesn't feel the same vibe he may have felt at other places. This is a great opportunity for him to learn self-trust and you to learn by observing his reactions about what he likes and doesn't like and when it's time to back out or stay. I wouldn't override his need to leave with your need to stay since the class is for him.
Liz - I have a 20 month old as well, and I think she definitely realizes when she doesn't recognize people. My dd usually is clingy at first, too, but she warms up with time. I think it's important to give them the closeness they need, as long as they need it. Could be personality type, could be a phase, but whatever it is, a child just needs closeness sometimes.
If the people in the program will respect his reaction and not force him to participate when he's uncomfortable, I see no problem with you continuing the program, especially if you're getting something out of it.
I think 20 months is about the time that children start going through a clingy stage for a while. I hate to say it but it will probably be ongoing for a bit but if you don't play into it too much, he'll sense that you are positive and confident about the situation and he will become more confident about venturing into this new situation and start investigating things on his own when he's ready to do so.
it depends.
How did he take to the other play groups he goes to? How long did it take for him to feel comfy with those groups?
All I know is, a child does not have to attend every play group... sometimes it just is not a good mix. Kids have an extra "radar" and if they are not comfortable, or do not like the kids/parents there for some reason (and they can't explain it, it's just a feeling they have), then that is fine. No problem. It is perfectly okay.
Sometimes, we have to take the cues of our child.
My daughter, since she was very young, has always had an extra sense about people and the vibes of certain groups/people. Sometimes she would just not like a certain groups or a person/parent. It's fine. I trusted her, even though she was very young. Once, when we visited a school for preschool, she got terrified and basically would NOT enter into the vice-principal's office. At the time I didn't know why. Later, I found out that this woman had TONS of complaints about her from other kids/parents and that actually, through word of mouth, I heard that she is actually quite "spiteful" and mean to kids, not loving.
So, I think in this situation, my daughter "knew" and just could not verbalize it. And she too, got very clingy and inward when I went into that office.
Its fine if your son does not "like" a play-group. So what. No biggie. Just like adults, sometimes we just don't like certain clubs or groups or cliques. It's okay in the big scheme of things.
Try going a couple more times.. .but if he still does not like it or acts "not himself"...then stop going. He seems to already have quite a varied play group routine, and that's fine.
Or maybe, just the time slot of that play-group is at a time when he is simply tired or needs a nap. My son behaves that way when he is tired.
And sometimes, kids just need downtime.
And sometimes, at this age, they simply get "separation anxiety" (which is normal), and/or they just don't feel like jumping right in and playing...sometimes a child just needs one on one time and not doing anything. This is also how they learn and how they learn to explore. And sometimes they are just over-scheduled. "See" what is best.
Good luck,
Susan
KEEP GOING!!!!! Your son is feeling a little bit shy and is probably "slow to warm up" and he needs your support. Don't push him to do stuff, he will do it when he is ready. And support him in his interactions with other kids - sharing, taking turns, etc. This is where and how he will learn to interact with the world. If he is with you, you will be able to see if there is another child or something that is causing him fear or stealing all of the toys, etc. You need to help him navigate this - he will always encounter all kinds of people and he needs to know how to deal with all personalities (as you know, being a teacher of young kids...) Good for you, taking him to all of these activities. This is how he will learn.
Kids take time to know others sometimes. Let him be close to you. Playgroups are for Moms too. Don't stop going to Playgroup unless it is causing disruption with other kids.
This will tell your son that he is in control and you will have to fight him to try anything new.
Enjoy getting to know the other Moms. Soon, you will all be potty training together and you will need the support. Potty training with others is quicker than doing it alone...
Think of your future rather than thinking of now... it worked for me.
Good luck,
M.
Hi Liz, he is a different age than when he started those other play groups, it sounds like. Maybe he just entered his "separation anxiety" phase. I would try it a few more times, if he doesn't seem to warm up I would let it go. He seems have enough other social activities on his plate. I don't think it is unhealthy for you to keep taking him, but 4 times is getting up there to not see any progress in his comfort level. Like others said, maybe he just doesn't like the vibe of the group.
