Develpong 11 Year Old with an Aversion to Soap and Shampoo.

I, too, remember going through that stage myself. I also agree with the suggestions of taking her out shopping & letting her pick her own things. Try not to worry about the money... but let her pick out her own soap, shampoo, deodorant, MAYBE a bra if she seems open to it... and a few other things besides, clothes or jewelry.... so that it's not just about the hygiene issues.

It may also be a good idea to let her make this shopping trip with someone else - a godmother, aunt, or other close friend of the family?? - an older female that's not you. Although it may be hard for you to accept, it might be easier for her to do this with someone other than her mother.

Hi N.,
Discomfort with her changing body is something my 12 year old went through last year (6th grade). I couldn't get her to wear a bra either and she needed to. She wore her baggy sweatshirt to school EVERY DAY (I finally had to get her another one so I could wash the original). One thing that helped was going bra shopping with her (or go to the store with her and a good friend of hers and let the friend help). She didn't like the sports bras that I got her and when we went to the store I let her pick out what she wanted (that was appropriate and fit correctly). I also bought her some cami's that could be worn under a blouse or shirt that took the place of a bra - she liked that, too. Now that she is in 7th grade she wears a bra every day and has graduated to wearing her Northface instead of the baggy sweatshirts. Trust me, her friends will get her to shower and use deoderant when she gets smelly - don't get too nuts about that - the girls are uncomfortable with the changes and it seems this is the only thing in her control. It will pass. Good luck [to us both!!] Ps American Girl has a great book on the subject and is perfect for their age group.

Some kids hate change, especially change that they don't understand. Puberty ranks high in that category! My girls are young so my experience isn't direct - these are just ideas. First, how about taking her out for a mom and me date, lunch and shopping. Talk to her in the car (ha - she can't escape!) about washing and the consequences of not doing so (you'll smell and kids will notice it). Then perhaps let her pick out what she'd like to use - her own shampoo, her own conditioner, her own soap and her own deoderant. Perhaps her own underthings as well. It puts her in control of an issue she may not like not being in control of. If she's not into mom stepping in, you could ask a close female friend (an older cousin, aunt, friend) whom you know she trusts. While it would be a bummer for you to be out of rhe picture directly, at least the issue would be resolved! Best of luck!

I would back off of the bra and the shaving. Her body, her choice, and neither of them is necessary.

As for the hygeine issue, take her to a place that every girl loves....a Bath and Body Works! Let her pick out her own soaps, shampoos, conditioners, deoderants, scrubby sponges, etc.

Hi N.,
I have a 9 yr old daughter, she isn't going through this....yet.... but this is just an idea. I am a sales rep for a company called The Happy Soul. We are an aromatherapy company that uses essental oils. We sell a very nice Pure Bath line that is unscented. We have different essential oils that have different kinds of healing properties and different smells. We mix our own shampoo and soap here at home and we have a lot of fun doing it. My daughter loves mixing her own "recipe" (with my supervision, of course) but it gets her involved and she uses it more happily since she "designed" it.
If you are interested you can contact me directly at
____@____.com
I feel like I am being a billboard but I truly do use the Aromatherapy and really enjoy doing it and would like to share it with everyone! anyway, like I said, it is just an idea.....
Good luck!
~M.

Wow - you brought me back to when I was 11: ;-) This is a trying time - emerging adolescence....we, as parents, know how important it is to be clean, but the kids want to have nothing to do with us or our advice. How about you just let her "stew" in it for a few days. I have a feeling, once the other kids at school start mentioning her odor, greasy hair (oh, I was so greasy at 11!),she might come around. Or perhaps you could talk to her best friend, have her talk to your daughter. Peer pressure always seems to be more of a motivator than anything a parent has to say!
I know how tough this is on you, but hang in there. This to shall pass!
:-) P.

"The Care and Keeping of You" is a great book by American Girl. It is all about keeping your body healthy. I gave it to my step daughter when she was nine and going through the non-showering stage. She is now thirteen, active athlete and showers on a regular basis!!

American Girl has a great book. It's called "The Care and Keeping of Me" I gave it to my daughter when she was 10. She is just about 12. It will open the door for a ton of questions. You can purchase it at any bookstore or even Bath & Body Works. You could also take her shopping and let her pick out some body wash and shampoo. My DD loves the American Girl line from B&BW.

Interesting, she will let you wash her hair, but she will not let you in her room while she is dressing. You have provided all the necessities. You have given her all the information. You might have to kind of step back and see what happens, but keep the lines of communication as open as you can. Change is scary sometimes. My daughter who is now 20 got extremely private at this time in her life. We talked some, but she also had health classes in school to kind of confirm information.

If you think of it, these changes are being forced on her, not by you, but by growing up. She may be feeling not ready for them, not ready for change. Give her time. You will know if things are becoming a major issue, like lack of deodorant or the bra thing.

My 13 year old daughter had to be reminded to shower and to rinse her hair well and this and that. I got her the book "The Keeping and Caring Off You" by American girl. You can get it at Bath and Body Works at the mall or on line. She liked it and has read it a few times. It covers lot of these topics and is aimed at 10-14 year olds.

Yes, I remember this time too...saw the comment about talking in the car...my mom did that...didn't go well. I would have appreciated it much better (looking back) if she would have acknowledged how difficult it is to see your body changing...I had a mom who I felt didn't respect my privacy (probably wasn't that bad though). She just didn't understand that I was not comfortable with growing up, and her attempts at talking with me just made me defensive. I see her behavior as a sign that she is also uncomfortable. I would go with validating her feelings...maybe tell her about the things you hated about growing up...that might have been a better approach for my mom, then maybe I would have felt I could have trusted her more. Instead we had power struggles, and any important talks throughout my teen years didn't go well. Hopefully this approach will help her to feel you understand her, and she will be more open to you.