Depressed Husband

I find it odd that he is depressed but has a high libido. That's pretty unusual. Depressed people generally have little to no interest in sex.
I think therapy is a good idea. I would question whether he's truly clinically depressed or just very, very unhappy and unsatisfied with his marriage and life. There is a big difference. I think THAT'S what you need to get to the bottom of.

I just want to send you a big hug and let you know you're not alone. He needs therapy and medication, so it's good that he's got an appointment set up. Who is handling his medication? If it's his primary care physician, he needs to see a psychopharmacologist or a psychiatrist who is really an expert on medication and will stay on top of him. Sometimes my husband will use his meds guy for therapy too and sometimes he'll go talk to someone else. He needs to sign HIPAA releases with both his meds doctor and counselor that allow them to talk to you. You should meet with both of them at least once to discuss your husband's treatment, care plan, and then later to give your feedback on any progress (or lack thereof). It's important that he have private relationships with these doctors and trusts them, but people who are depressed are unable to self-report accurately so it's also important the he realize that you two are on the same team and that your insights and observations provide valuable information to his treatment team, which will help him to get well faster and stay well longer.

When he's on a medication that is working, he should physically feel better pretty quickly and be able to do more around the house, nap less, etc. and that should ease some of the burden for you. I find that the pessimism takes a long time to lift and that the distance takes a long time to close.

There is a great book called "Depression Fallout" which I found very helpful. It's written for loved ones and caregivers of people with depression. It is mentally, physically and emotionally draining on us too. One of the things I've had a hard time explaining to my husband is that when he's in a depressed cycle (he goes into a very dark place for 6-10 weeks at a time a few times a year and then has mild manic periods - he has a mild, long-cycling form of bipolar II), I am alone. He basically disappears mentally, emotionally, and in some senses physically (napping all the time, staying up all night so not coming to bed until 3 AM) for weeks. So I have to handle everything myself and have built up a life where I can be just fine without a spouse for months at a time - I handle the kids, our families, fill my time with work and hobbies and volunteer commitments, etc. in an attempt to not get bogged down in one of his rough phases and take it personally. Then when my real husband comes back, it's like nothing happened - no apologies, no acknowledgement of going through a month or two of hell - and he's resentful that I don't drop everything to spend more time with him and doesn't understand that my very full life is my lifeline for when he disappears under a cloud of depression.

Anyway...therapy and medication are the way to go so it's good that he's open to both but he needs to be more accountable to someone about staying on medication. If he doesn't like the way something feels or doesn't think it's effective, he needs to report that to someone and have them find something new. He can't just quit, he needs to understand that.

As for weaning the night nursing, Elizabeth Pantley's No Cry Sleep Solution is a really great book for how to gently shift to better nighttime habits, including weaning. She's very pro-breastfeeding and attachment parenting so I bet her style will be a very good fit for you. She's also very realistic and funny. I found her book to be very helpful with one of my more stubborn nighttime nursers.

Sorry this is so long - my final word of advice is to remind yourself - and your husband - that you are *both* on the same team and are both battling the depression that is waging a war in him. You're not fighting against him, you are fighting for him, sometimes against what's taking over his mind, mood, and body. I visualize depression as a monster that slips in when we're not looking and takes over my husband for a while and that way, even when we're in the worst of it, I can remind myself that the man I love is still in there and will come back out when we make the depression monster retreat for a while.

Living with someone who is chronically ill is extremely stressful. And it's miserable being inside the head of depression. I completely understand your husband's viewpoint because I have been there - short of the suicidal thoughts that is. But I certainly sat around, barely accomplishing anything, and holding the viewpoint that this won't work and that won't happen and so on. I also know the feeling of the medications not working. Anti-depressants can't do everything - they can sometimes take away the very low lows, but they don't restore the highs, which means that there is often a lot of joy missing. When there's no joy, it's hard to have hope.

I think your husband made a huge mistake going off his meds. Medications need to be cut back slowly, and he's made no effort to find another one. He did this without a doctor's supervision. It takes a few months for them to get out of your system, which is probably why you didn't notice anything for a few weeks and now he's engaging in this really dark talk again. You're going to see a therapist, which is good, but it's not for a few weeks, which is bad. I was depressed for many many years (undiagnosed), and finally it was a relief to have a diagnosis and realize I wasn't responsible for just being moody and lazy. I tried a couple of medications, found one that stabilized me, and stayed there for years. I also did therapy, both individual and couples work.

About 6 years ago I started a phenomenal supplement (just trying not to get sick all the time and not have allergies) but found I felt so much better over time. I found I had more energy, was able to go to the gym (which made a lot of things better), and over time I found my mood lifting because the chemical imbalance that caused the depression was eventually restored. Working with my doctor (that's important) who loved the results she was seeing both emotionally and medically (lab tests much better), I weaned off the meds and have been medication-free for quite some time now, with no recurrence.

My husband's brother was ill as well, and suicidal. He went off his meds because he was worried about side effects (which he wasn't having - he just read about them), and within a few months, he took his own life. His wife had heard him talk like this for a long time, and had interrupted several attempts. Finally he was successful. I tell you this because I want you to take these musings seriously. He should have some sort of emergency intervention - please call his physician immediately.

I disagree with the statement below that people with depression can be self-centered. It LOOKS like that but it's not. It's a chemical imbalance, a medical condition. It requires treatment, either therapy or medication or both, and nutritional support on top of that. Once the crisis is averted, a long-term program can be selected. For me, nutritional supplementation works, but even so, I have to stay with it.

It's important that you realize you are not causing it. However, his lack of sleep is not a good addition to the situation and could be making it a lot worse. I think it might be time to make a change in terms of the younger daughter being in your room all the time and not sleeping through the night because she wants to nurse. A child that age needs her rest. Irregular sleeping patterns can contribute to, or be the sign of, depression and other forms of mental illness. Deep sleep, REM sleep, is important for brain function. That goes for her, and for you, and for your husband. So I think you've got to get this child on an all-night sleep regimen, starting yesterday.

If your husband needs to be hospitalized, do it. If your daughter needs a few sleepless nights to learn to self-soothe, fine. And if you need to be a little less of the person everyone leans on to get through their issues, that's a good position for you to take.

Please reach out to the physician for immediate help, see if the therapist can take you sooner, and get some support and advice from NAMI (National Association for Mental Illness).

Good luck - there is hope and I'm living proof of it.

He should have never just stopped taking his meds. That alone can cause major anxiety and depression. Those meds need to be weaned. So he needs a dr. Appt asap!!!! He needs to find not only a therapist but a med specialist. That is what they call them. They are nurse practioners who specialize in anti depressants. They know how to px and what to px. I have suffered anxiety all my life. It was not untill I saw a med specialist that put me on a med and it works. It is so much harder for men than women. They tend to be more nagative and do not believe anything will help. They also tend to try and face it alone. Tell your husband to please please give it a try. Research drs and med specialists in your area. Once they find the right med he will be amazed at how much he feels better. Good luck. Depression is an awful illness. I am so sorry for you and him. I pray he feels better soon.

I have a husband with severe depression. I second what J.B. said. Depression Fallout is a good book. For years I hid my husband's depression, but when he had a massive episode that resulted in us losing our business, house, his job etc, I had to come clean. I told my family and friends. I had to tell my children's school so they could help me with lower school fees. I had to tell my accountant and everybody. I was sick and tired of bearing the burden by myself. It was a good thing to let people know. It helps them to understand why your husband never attends anything etc. It also helps to be able to debrief to loving people.

People with depression can be so self-centred that they do not see the havoc their illness is wreaking in other people's lives.

Good luck, get your husband back to the doctor if you can. If the worst happens, it is not your fault. Never your fault. Try to protect yourself and give your children a loving, stable home. With or without your husband.

Here is what you all need. Husband needs to be in constant therapy and meds. You need to also attend some Therapy sessions with him.

This is like having Cancer. He is mentally ill (not a bad word).. and he needs professional help. Depression is a chemical imbalance in his brain. It is totally neurological.. He is not trying to not get better, he just cannot get better with out professional help.

The problem with depression is you have no energy or drive. So getting up and getting dressed can be a huge hurdle. So imagine having to make an appointment, get up, get dressed and then get there.. It seems like a insurmountable amount of work to a person who is suffering.

Your MIL sounds amazing. She came and helped you while you were down with your ankle, well guess what? Your husband is even worse off than you were. Get her to help manage his appointments and making sure he gets to all of them.. She can set the appointments, pick him up (from home or work) , drop him off and return him to home or work.

Get on this or you could lose him.. There is hope if he can find a good Doctor and the right medications. He deserves to find peace and to be happy.

Depression is a hard thing to go through. I suggest you go to counseling with him so you can talk to the therapist about what you're seeing and experiencing with him.

This means you're going to have to be honest with the doc. You'll have to tell them that hubby is sleeping too much, stating he wants to die, etc...it may be that hubby needs inpatient treatment.

I can tell you that I know at least one person who was a family member of someone that committed suicide. Those people have NEVER recovered from that. The guilt of "If I had just been paying more attention" "If I had just made them go to the doctor" "If I had just loved them better" and more.

Suicide is the most selfish cruel thing a person can do to their family. It's just mean. To make that person live with that guilt the rest of their life is horrible. If they ever thought it through they might be able to fight the urge to do this.

Since he's verbally told you he wants to die that means he's thinking about it. His mind is trying to compensate, trying to prepare you for when he does it. He may not have made a plan to do it or even really thought it out how he would do it. But those are the ones that often just go to the garage, make sure the doors are shut, then turn on the car with the doors open and lay down in the front seat and go to sleep to never wake up again.

That's what my cousin did when his wife left him. He simply laid down on the front seat and went to sleep with the motor running. He died within an hour or so.

My high school choir teacher's husband pulled out a gun and shot himself in the head. Her kids were standing right there begging him to stop but he was in too much pain to hear them. One of the dancers in the clubs in OKC shot himself in the mouth, didn't die but paralyzed himself for the rest of his life. Another friend went to her sister's and found her in the bathtub with her wrists split open. No worries, no suspicion, nothing. Her sister had never acted depressed at all.

So the fact that he's talking about wanting to die is a good sign, it means he wants you to stop him. His subconscious mind is screaming out to you to help him. Please don't ignore this call for help.

He may not be strong enough to fight it on his own. In this case I would be telling my hubby he was going on vacation from life and I'd call his bosses in the morning for him. The hospital ER can assess him and send him to a mental health facility where they can figure out his meds and get him stable. His chemicals in his body are off, they are in control of him.

If you want to learn more and figure out how to positively influence him and deal with his moods then you have to work closely with the therapist and staff of the hospital. They'll only have his side of everything. It's up to you to round out the story, let them know another side of it.

As for your child nursing, there is nothing wrong with her wanting her mommy. If he minds then nurse her in her own room. It's time for her to start sleeping in there, put a baby monitor in her room or the hallway just outside her door so you can hear her when she gets out of bed. Then you can go in there and catch her before she wakes up all the way and you can nurse her back to sleep. She will outgrow the need/want to do this.

If he's not sleeping because your child is keeping him awake, that's one thing you can fix. It's time to get your child out of your bedroom. You need to just go ahead and wean her. Put bandaids on your nipples and tell her that you have an ouchie and cannot nurse. Give her a sippy cup with milk during the day and water at night. Do NOT let her into your bed. I'd give your husband ear plugs to wear at night and expect your daughter to learn to self-soothe. It will take a while, but your husband needs it.

As far as the libido goes, I am wondering if he really does want sex or if he just says he wants it. It might be very telling if you were willing to drop everything everytime he wants sex and say "Yeah, let's go for it." If he doesn't, then you will know that this is just an excuse. Most of the time, mom, depressed people are not "in the mood" for sex. They are depressed. You might try to see if this is all a way to throw his problems onto you. If so, that's probably part of the depression. And regardless, you don't have to accept it.

If I were you, I'd give him ONE job to do everyday when he comes home, even if it's as small as folding clothes. I know you're surprised that he can go to work, but that is just what people have to do. Keeping him engaged with the family is important. Sometimes doing something with their hands can help pull someone out of themselves.

If I were you, I would notice his medicine every week. If he is going off his meds, then he is not trying to get better. You should know that he is taking his medicine.

Good luck.

Ditto JB and Laurie A.

Quit assigning blame. Not helpful. If he had cancer, would you assign blame?

It's an illness and it needs to be treated as seriously as if it were fatal, because sometimes, it is. Your ankle needed 3 weeks to heal. That's nothing compared to this. Think of it as functioning with a broken ankle while you have a job and a family.

You need to set up an appt with a specialist in this area. A psychiatrist. Do it soon because it may take weeks to get in. Then it will take a while to find the right med combo. In a year, you could have your loving husband back. If you do nothing, in a yr, you could have the same problems or worse.
He can't see his way to help. You can. You promised, in sickness and in health but you don't stop trying for the health. You have to do the leg work on this one.

Why do you have a therapist and he doesn't? Look hard at your priorities.

Some of the members of my family have had bouts of depression from which they were able to recover without meds -- I suppose they had a much more mild form of this terrible disease. But I have learned a few things that might be of help.
1. Depression seems to me to be a kind of addiction to those chemicals that cause negative feelings. There is something about being depressed that certain people can become dependent on (their brains get rewired to reward lows instead of highs). Doing things that feel good can help wean people (slowly) from this addiction. I have read that singing, laughing, and writing about one's week in a positive way can help reduce depression. So encourage your husband to sing along to the radio on the way home from work (every day!), watch funny shows like "Who's Line is it Anyway?", or ask your husband to make blog posts after events where you might take pictures -- and encourage him to make the posts positive. Ask your husband to try to think of something he used to enjoy and try to see if he can work that activity from his youth back into his life. Ask him write a list of things that make him feel happy (do not let him write the opposite - things that bother him!). I think it would be especially good to find a way for him to exercise (which is hands-down the best cure for depression, I think!). Make sure you try to encourage him to contact some of his friends to go out from time to time without family in tow. I'm sure you've already searched for such websites, but here is an example of a website that shares some tips on getting out of depression.
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_tips.htm

2. Depression seems to be related to feeling ineffective. If work is boring, if he feels that he isn't pleasing you sexually, if he doesn't really see how he is helping out at home, he won't be able to see his worth as clearly.
I agree with the other post that said that the husband should do at least one chore each day. Make sure to use peer-directed speech like, "Can you please go fold the laundry while I make dinner?" (Rather than subordinate-directed speech like "Please go set the table.") Make sure to talk to your husband about once a week about how you appreciate him earning money, providing a house for you, helping out with the chores, being faithful, etc. and tell him how grateful you are that you have a dependable husband. Remind him that you chose him of all others and you stand by your choice. You know he is feeling low, but you know he can get better... you value him so much you are willing to wait for that no matter how long it takes. Also, while it is completely not your fault about the libido thing... it could work and it might help to consider trying to strengthen your own libido -- maybe that's what women read romance novels for! :)

3. Diet. Check out those Omega 3's in that link above. I find it's easiest to use flax oil as salad dressing oil or sprinkle flax seed in my breakfast cereal. Or use those Omega-3 eggs or fish at least once a week. I find that it helps me keep better control of my own emotions to have enough Omega 3's in my diet. Plus, cut down on sugar and maybe up the dark chocolate. Visiting a nutritionist might be a good first step if he isn't ready to go back to a therapist.

4. Epsom salt. Epsom salt helps the liver break down toxins like those depression and anxiety chemicals. Once a week, a cup of epsom salt in a warm bath or even sprinkling a bit on the shower floor daily can do wonders. It's natural, a salt (not a medicine), cheap, available at any drug store, used for hundreds of years, and effective. Plus it helps with muscle soreness as a bonus! Definitely do research on epsom salt (or just try it yourself - it's completely safe)! My belief is that certain people have a liver that is not as adept at breaking down depression and anxiety chemicals and that is part of the reason for the build-up of these chemicals. Epsom salt can help.

5. Perspective and helping others. If you can get your husband to volunteer with you at a food bank or something... he might be able to feel helpful and also gain more appreciation for his position in life. Send your kids to your husband when they need help with something. If you need help with something (unrelated to solving the depression riddle) - ask him-- the more challenging, the better.

I hope your husband can one day see while he believes with logical precision that he isn't worth anything, that it is actually just the wrong balance of chemicals in his brain causing him to believe that. I think you are doing everything right -- seeing the doctor, building up a support network for yourself, seeking help in general. Little by little, step by step, I bet you can help him kick it to the curb! Encourage him to try to research depression on his own too. Good luck!

I am glad to hear that you moved DD2 out of your bedroom. You two need to be together and have some space that is just for the two of you. It's not just about sex, it is about intimacy. Without that, you are doomed. DD2 is old enough not to breastfeed anymore. Yes, there is nothing wrong with it but you need the extra time/energy to deal with serious problems. I also question if your willingness to breast feed for this long is an attempt to replace the intimacy you are missing in your marital relationship (I don't mean that in any sort of sexual manner lest people think I am saying that). Get yourself to a therapist, get your husband and go for marital counseling. Once your husband is seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist (for medications) and on a more positive path, you may also consider family counseling. Ask your mother-in-law for help again. If for nothing more than to watch the kids while you and hubby go out for a meal or a walk. Spend time together and try to find the people you fell in love with again. If you still aren't able to see a future after all of those attempts, then you might have to consider divorce and how best to handle it for your children's sake.

Hi, M.D.

You know the problem in your marriage.
You just don't know how to solve it.
It is not about sex. It is about love.
Sex is the expression of love or intimacy.

It sounds like you were not in love with your husband when you
married him.
One: Get your beds back in the same room.
Two: Start making time to get to know each other.
Get an appointment book with 4 columns one for each one
in your family. www.ataglance.com
Three: Once routines for all members of the family are in the columns,
sit down with your husband and plan time together every day.
Four: "God found romance and sex so important that He dedicated an entire book in the Bible, Song of Solomon, to encourage us to experience it."
Five: Share with each other what you think you both would like to do in the Romance department.

Fall in love with you husband, the passion will ignite your soul.
Stop trying to please him. Start learning to please yourself with him.

Good luck.
D.