Defiant Teenage Boy - Advice Please!!

Have her get the book Parenting Teens with Love and Logic...it worked for us. I was feeling at my wits end with my teenage son, this book helped so much!

I guess if she has truly tried everything AND she has been consistent with discipline his entire life, I'm not sure.

But your comment of "when your son is bigger than you. . . what do you do?" My sister in law asked me that once when my nephew was giving her a hard time and I responded, you do not let him walk away with the last word. The same nephew would trash his room. When I suggested everything be taken out of this room and the door off the hinges, she wouldn't do it. He can't sleep on the floor, BS!! Did he buy that furniture he's trashing? He needs his privacy. . . again BS!! But she also had been very inconsistent with discipline for years AND my nephew knew that as well as the fact that he could play his parents against each other.

My 20 year old son is 6 foot something and built like and NFL linebacker and all I have to do is look at him sideways. Period! End of discussion! I don't care how big he is!

Sorry, no real answer here, but I truly question either A) if she has been consistent with expectations and discipline and/or B) he is feeling out of place with the little kids and his acting up is getting attention.

My best friend in high school had a Mom who was 4'10" tall. She had 7 kids and every one of them was way taller than she was. I loved that lady! She was so kind and yet ruled the roost absolutely. Not a single one of her kids would ever dare to give her a hard time. I don't know what her secret was.
If your friends son wants out so bad, he needs to start working on his exit plan. She should take him round to recruiters and see if the Army or Navy or other services might be a good life for him. I think a drill sergeant has wonderful way of bringing out family appreciation like no one else can.

Threaten Military School? :)

Here is my take: He wants her attention and that is how he gets it. Can she truly ask herself if she doesn't give MUCH more of herself to her younger kids and because he is older and can take care of himself she lets him? I know about this b/c it happened to me. My parents were so busy raising my younger siblings that they had no idea or nor did they care what I was up to so I pushed that envelope as far as I could (it is amazing that I ahve lived to tell about it!). At the time I didn't realize why I was doing this but looking back it is very clear to me. Thats why I would never have kids with such large age differences...it it extremely difficult for the oldest.

So tell her instead of yelling at him and being afraid how he will affect his precious younger siblings to take the time to get to really know him-just him. And make sure that she is a "very involved parent" with him as much as with them.

There are so many ingredients that make up a teen boy like your friend's son, that there is no one easy answer. It would have had to have started a lot earlier, and a key component would have been his bio dad being in his life (maybe not her fault, but it's a fact).

Maybe she can find another mentor for him, a teacher, Big Brother, etc., since she and step-dad aren't able to handle him.

And try the book recommended below.
The only other thing I can suggest is that she try a positive discipline route, instead of focusing on the negative, as she is doing. I didn't hear one thing in your post that would entice me, if I were her son. Her whole approach seems to be negative.

Mom,
Hate to say this to you about your friend,but this sounds like typical teenage yrs with a few more problems with lying etc. Poor attitude at times is so norma,l as is not wanting to comply with household rules. ALso she needs to consider to make it worse for her son there is no bio- Dad in the picture, then Mom went off and remarried and had a few more kids it sound like when the focus should have been raising her son only and not remarrying and having more kids to add to his troubles after a divorce. Would you be happy with this situation as a teen, I sure wouldn't. She does need to stick to her guns on the lying and rule breaking but I would pick my battles on minor things. Puberty is not a pretty time for teens as I'm sure she remembers. I would continue with the loss of privileges and stick to it as a consequence, take the phone and computer keyboard away for more than just a day or so when things get bad and he will soon get the picture. Also if her son has not gotten his driver's license yet this privilege and access to a car need to be withheld until things improve. I would see if her son will consider getting some counseling if she asks and he would agree to it, your friend has put her son in a bad position with the divorce and then new husband and more kids. Does she make a point of rewarding his behavior when it is good? How are his grades? Be sure that all of the attention is not going to his step siblings who are much younger, teens need love and attention even more at times than little kids. Can Mom or step Dad find some things to do with her/his son that he enjoys and only with them, no little kids? Maybe she can take him on a weekend trip, camping or somewhere he would enjoy, or step-Dad can and do something they would enjoy to help improve the relationships. She needs to help him find his passion and get him involved in it. Then have the rest family get involved too, does he participate in sports, drama or any clubs in high school? What are his interests that she and step Dad can help him pursue? I would offer the counseling option 1st but also try the other things too. She has put her child now teen, in a tough spot with all that has gone on in his life and needs to repair the damage b4 its too late and the problems turn much more serious like drugs , alcohol, or problems with the law. I hope things get better for her son and their relationship.

I have not read through all the comments so forgive me if this is repetitive. In my experience, it always seems to help if you can get them to think something is their idea. Instead of ALWAYS saying, "no don't do that" or "that's unacceptable", etc etc etc...you turn it around so that they have two or three options to choose from - all of them acceptable to you of course.

Best of luck to your friend!

I too have a son very similar like this. Same situation his dad left the picture when he was 1 yr old. I have also seen friends go through same thing. I think we need to stay positive through the storm. It's a horrible phase they are going through. Go to Parent University.com I believe they are located in the East (Mesa area) they have some awesome workshops that can definitely help with the load.

Updated

Here is the website and it might be helpfult to other parents
to Parent University

WWW.MPSAZ.ORG/Parentu

The book, Family First, by Dr. Phil has really helped us make our relationship better with our kids. It is on tape and in a book format. She can read the parts that apply to her. It is an approach of listening to your teen, and presenting things in a positive way such as, "You can go to your friend's house for 1 more hour later if your chores are done". So the approach is "you get priveldges if you choose to be responsible." He talks about the rebellious kids and how to handle them. Also, a friend of mine told me that she keeps a written journal with her daughter and writes things like "how did your day go today?" because her teen is busy and doesn't verbally communicate as much, so this has been a way to reach her. She can start writing little notes and leaving in a place where her teen will see them, like on his bed - example: I love and I will always be here for you. I am proud of you because _________________." Teens want to be listened to and want to know their parent/guardian will be there for them no matter what.

maybe consuling together or one on one.. she could ask her sons doctor for a refferal and hopefully her insurance would cover it.. Consuling helped when my youngest daughter was having issues with behavior.
Lenc

I agree with a lot of the responses on this page. Especially the one about having him checked out by the NAMI. Being a teen is tough enough- but not having a dad around is probably difficult for him. I realize he has a step-dad but it isn't exactly the same. It sounds to me like he may have depression. Having gone through that myself, I know it is difficult for others to understand the way I felt when I was a teen. It took me years to understand the feelings of : I'm not good enough. I'm not smart enough. Why am I always sad. Why do I always feel so angry.... and tired..... Now that I'm thinking about it, my feelings of inadequacy could even stem from my ADD. School was always a struggle- which was depressing too. I don't think that your friends son hates her. He is probably trying to figure out his place..... in the family and in the world. He knows that soon he will have to move on with his life- college? career? that is daunting for anyone!

WOW...what a great post...I just loved reading your request and personal response and did not read anyone else....You are one neat and insightful friend.

Please buy lots of copies of Parenting Teens with Love and Logic...it was a teenage lifesaver for me. I am like you with children from 2 marriages...your thoughts were candy to my heart today:)

At about this age we humans start to create a "story" for our lives. It includes an image and activities that fit into this image. Sometimes the story is provided for us and we feel great in it and fit in, and sometimes we feel lost and work at creating our own story that makes us feel powerful. For example, someone who feels left out of social circles and doesn't see himself as cool might identify a lifestyle that seems in control and cool and start acting like the people he imagines to be a part of that story. That might lead to smoking pot, stealing, whatever. This kid is left out of his dad's story, so he can't inherit that, which is sad. So what is he creating for himself and why?

Now, mom can create a story for him to fit into. It's not too late. How about sending him overseas to volunteer with a relief agency? I used to work overseas for an organization that hosted people from the first world and it changed lives (so many! In so many ways!). It creates a new story, one that makes him feel powerful, good, respectable and worthy of respect and admiration. It makes his story BETTER than that of his father.

IF that seems drastic, there's always house construction with Habitat for Humanity or local soup kitchens. He can volunteer with the boys and girls club or become a mentor to a kid who has no father. There are a lot of great stories he can create for himself, but he needs to be forced to take the first step. Sending him overseas might be the greatest gift a parent can give a child.

I wish them all the best.

I have a question about him. How does he do in school? That is oftentimes a surprise for a parent who experiences some painful difficulties with a child at home. Some of them actually do well in school. And I suggest she seek out what this child's strengths are. You are lucky that you have a wonderful daughter, lucky you- but he is a) a boy and b) sounds like he has a lot of energy. So if possible, find his strengths and bring him into some activities that he would like. I've noticed parents take away phones, computers, etc. for a very short time and then give in a lot on the first moment the child is nice. Perhaps it should be for a very long time. The next thing is that parents oftentimes will not admit to the school that they are having a problem and so if a teacher comes and says so and so will not do his work, parents unwittingly and of course commonly take their child's side and are afraid of them to the point that they let them get away with a lot. Most of it is about saying what you mean and meaning what you say. If he has a stepdad, then there is probably some anger about real dad that needs to be worked out. Even though there is a step dad, there are younger chlldren, so perhaps a big brother, from the Big Brother organization would be helpful. My brother had one and it helped a lot. A one on one guy who did things with him. Hate to say it, but some of this is common, the testosterone level gets a going and really truly, boys will be boys (mama of two sons here). Next if he shows actual severe signs of needing help, NAMI can be looked up (National association of Mental Illness-they can help families. Good luck to your friend. I was there. Get him some help if it is really bad. I let things go too long and my son had to be taken to the hospital. He is alright, but I think had I done something he would have made better choices.

Where do these women get off assuming that the biological dad would have been the blessing that turned this kid around? How does anyone know that the step father wasn't a huge improvement. Let's stop being so judgemental moms, and band together to help each other, not make hurtful comments! And it's not a FACT that the biological dad not being in his son's life will cause severe emotional damage.

Is there a good youth group at church she can get him into?
What about a sport to get rid of that extra aggression?
Can she hire a babysitter, NOT HIM, and take him out for lunch. Take him out of school for lunch hour, then be honest with him and tell him she knows how awful it's been with a 2 month old in the house and a 2 year old and what would he like from her.
15 is hard when you want to be the man and your still not yet and you think you know everything. Plus now there is this other family he has to live with, all those kids. He may need some positive attention.
When he is still a crazed teen at 17 then offer him four choices, Marines, Navy, Air Force and Army. Mine chose Navy, it worked wonderfully.