Death - Shelby,NC

My children were the same ages when my grandmother passed away. I told my kids that God picks his angels and it was Grandma's turn to be an angel. I tell them that even though it's sad for us, it was Grandma's lucky day. This makes it a little less scary for them. They also understand that even though most of God's angels are grandma's and grandpa's, once in awhile he needs little angels too. ( I had to explain this when one of their school friends had a tragic accident at the pool. Thankfully she lived but there were a few days when it was unsure and the kids had lots of questions).

I have also told my kids that the angels watch over us and keep us safe and that sometimes when they come to visit, they leave pennies for us to find. When they seem to have a particularly tough day, I will sneak into their room at night and leave a few pennies on the floor. I know some will say that this is dishonest, but it sure makes them feel better to know that Grandma came to see them when they were sleeping.

This is a tough subject to explain and there's no right or wrong way to handle it. Good luck and I am so sorry about the loss of your grandmother.

K.

You've gotten some good responses on how to explain it. The only thing I will echo is that you have to be honest with them. Grandma is gone and won't be coming back. It's very sad, and your kids will feel the sadness. They will have lots of questions for you, be as open as you can possibly be.

My kids (age 3 and 5) were present in the room when their grandpa passed away. Totally, completely unplanned. I had wanted to shelter them. They watched the mortician take him away and were at the memorial service -because by that time they fully understood what was going on and wanted to say their good bye's too. Other than months of questions, they were fine, no nightmares, just curiosity.

Kids are a lot more aware and cognizant then we give them credit for. They are capable of understanding birth and also, death. I'm glad I took the hospice worker's advice to be open and honest, it's what has worked best for us.

I'm very sorry for your loss and that you have to face this. Mourning with kids is tough, tough. Big virtual (((hug))).

Gosh that i a hard one. Above all, I am so sorry for your loss and I aplaud you for putting your children first the way you have.

When my father passed a year and a half ago, I had children the same age and they didn't understand either. I knew that there were a few phrases that I had to stay away from so it didn't scare them further. Telling them that their grandmother "passed" would make them even more confused because they would wonder where she "passed" to. Telling them that she "went to sleep" and is now in heaven will really scare them and even cause sleeping problems for them.

We still talk about my dad a lot here and try to keep his memory alive. The 2 youngest were told that grandpa was so sick that the only way he could get better is if God brought him up to heaven to make him better. We cried while we talked about it, and that is good for the kids to see, but we've never let the kids see us lose control or go off the deep end, so to speak. The kids know that PaPa Cane is up in heaven looking down on them to keep them safe. My 5-1/2 year old now, shared a birthday with my dad so that was a very hard birthday for him this past year. We went to eat at the same restaurant for his birthday as we did with my dad the year before (our last night out with dad) and it was hard, but we had to put on a happy face at all times for our son. As we were leaving, there was a beautiful rainbow up in the sky. Instantly, my son thought it was his present from PaPa Cane! He was still talking about that just last week as a matter of fact.

We had dad cremated and my mother, my brother and myself all kept a small urn, called a keepsake urn, of dad's ashes. The kids know where they can go to find each of ours and they know that they must ask. They handle the urn very carefully and talk to my dad as if he was still there. My 5 year old has always had a special bond like that with my dad. Even at the wake, he went over to the stand, looked at dad's picture as he was kneeling down and then lifted his head up to the sky to talk to my dad. It surprised all of us and made it so there were no dry eyes in the place.

Let your children be as involved as they wish and let them understand that it is okay to be sad and to miss their grandmother but that this was something that grandma needed to do. They may be scared that you will do the same thing so reassure them that you don't have any intention of doing that but nobody knows when it is their time. It will still take a while to sink in for them, but that is usually the way it is for everyone for a while.

Wishing you the best of luck with your children during this time and my condolences on your loss.

My firstborn died when he was 2 years old and we have always been up front with our second son about death and why he never got to play with his brother. I'd be happy to answer any specific questions you have.

In general, avoid euphemisms like she's "sleeping" or "lost" or "resting" because young children take everything very literally and will easily begin to fear that they too will die if they sleep, rest, or get lost. I also recommend that you not worry too much about hiding any crying you or your husband need to do. It's OK for children to see that death of a family member makes people sad.

When my son was 2 and 3, I started explaining to him the physical differences between something that is alive and something that is dead. If your kids have ever seen anything die—bug or bird or plant or whatever—you can use that as a starting place. When something dies, it stops breathing, growing, moving, eating, etc. I used to play a game with my son where I'd name objects (tree, rock, toy, machine, etc.) and then have him tell me whether or not it was alive. He caught on very quickly.

Your kids will have some very practical questions since their grandmother lived next door. Start the conversation and then sit back and wait for them to ask questions. You'll probably be surprised at what they're wondering about. Will they still get to go inside her house? What will happen to her things? Can they have a keepsake to remember her by?

Head to the library. There are tons of children's books on losing a grandparent. Ask the children's section librarian. I remember years ago seeing one about a grandpa who died-- something about spending time together on the beach while he was alive so the boy had fond memories and thought of his grandpa when he went to the beach or something like that. My kids were older than yours when my dad died, but they like the idea that he is watching over them from heaven. Both my father and my step mother died of cancer within a couple of years of eachother, and my kids have an uncle who died of cancer before they were born who we speak about often-- so they have heard about cancer and know it is a special disease... and it's important to speak about whatever their grandmother's cause of death was in a way that doesn't make them scared that you or anyone else will die soon.

Sorry to hear of you loss.

My 4YO understands death. She understands the dog died, my dad died and our neighbor's son died. She prays for them every night. I think you have to be as honest as their little minds can understand.

Use your faith, keep it simple, but honest. I agree that you want to use appropriate words and not sleeping, etc. Also if she was sick, you want to make sure they understand the difference between being sick w/cold or cancer so they don't get scared next time you are sick. My daughter is 7 and has lost 3 grandparents in the last 3 years. She has done amazingly well. Children for some reason can be more accepting of things than adults. They have such a simplistic view of life. I agree you will be suprised at what they will and will not ask. Its ok as it takes them longer to process. They just need to feel secure. Also note that they might not show grief right away, at all or on the level you are at. Time is so different for them. I also agree its ok to let them know you are sad.

The glove explanation actually sounds like a pretty good explanation and if youre not Christian you just adlib that stuff. They are little enough that they wont really understand no matter how you explain it. They will always have questions for you about his subject. But just let them know that grandma is gone and wont be coming back. Goo Luck and I am sorry to hear about your loss.

There is a book called HEAVEN, for children. I used it with my girls were 2 and 5 it reaaly helped them to understand. Good Luck and sorry for your loss.

I am so sorry to hear of your grandmother's passing. My grandmother died in hospice last year. Afterward, my then 2 year old kept asking "What happened to Ma Ma?" . I told him that people get only one battery that can't be replaced. When that runs out, we don't get another one, and we die- kind of like what happens to his toys. It seemed to make perfect sense to him, because he didn't ask anymore questions. I think if you can put it in simple terms they understand, then it's less confusing. Then, only answer the questions they ask- don't overdo it. Hope this helps.

.

Maria Shriver's book, Heaven. It was written for children.....but good for anyone.

If you are active in a church, see if they have any Christian based books on death geared for ages 2-4. If not then you could check the public library. I would read the books before showing your children, to make sure that the books message is what you want your children to hear. My husbands grandmother lived with us and we had hospice at the end of her life. They had books that were geared for different ages, they were all Christian based books. A neighbor who does not truly believe in God gave us a book about death for the kids. I did not let them read it because it conflicted with our beliefs. I will keep you and your family in my prayers!

Honesty is the best approach in my opinion. Sorry for your family's loss.

We haven't had to directly face death in our family, but we had to try to explain my chemo experience to our 2 year-old. Some people advised to shelter him, instead we took the approach of being completely honest. We talk about the cancer a lot still, and he knows Mommy was really sick, that my doctor took good care of me, but that not everyone is so lucky.

Death is a part of life - so, I believe that being honest about it (sparing any unnecessary details) would be easily understood by them. I'd also recommend letting them know it's OK to be emotional about it, to cry because you're sad they miss her, and that you have great memories to help them remember her moving forward.

I don't think they're capable of fully understanding at that age. My grandpa died when I was 7 along with countless family animals. I got the idea buy it was several years to where I got the entire concept.

If you're religious explain that they are no longer here but in heaven and someday you'll meet again a long time from now. Over time they'll obviously get that their grandma isn't coming back. Just reiterate that she's in heaven now. I also think visitng the grave could help. My parents didn't do that and I could never figure out where he was. I wanted an answer I could see.

I am a Christian, and the best illustration I ever saw of this was to put your hand in a glove and show your kids how it moves (with your hand). Then take your hand out. The glove is like the dead body, your hand is like the 'life' that had been in it. The life goes back to God, and the body has no life and must be 'interred' (buried or cremated) because it serves no further purpose. Surely they've seen a dead bug, bird, animal or something. People are more important, but still are under the 'curse' of death brought on by man's first (free will) sin.

I agree to share your grief with the kids. Joys shared are doubled, and griefs shared are halved. Sharing both is priceless.

I also don't believe that we become angels nor that our deceased loved ones are 'watching over us'. I mean, maybe they see us, but they have no power to protect us (that's God's job). They ARE free from pain, and we WILL see them again if we keep a personal relationship with God, though.

Sorry for your loss.
This will be difficult, but explaining it in simple terms and being honest are the best ways to deal with it. And possibly pointing out that what happened had nothing to do with them!

There are a couple of picture books that I really like:
The Next Place by Warren Hanson
and
Tear Soup - A Recipe for Healing After Loss by Pat Schwiebert and Chuck DeKlyen.

Tear Soup also has a informational section in the back of the book with information about grieving and a large number of resources fr all kinds of different circumstances that may lead to loss and grieving (including e.g. suicide, violent death, death of a pet, divorce,...)

Overall it will take time. Their grieving, just as the grieving of adults, will go through different cycles, including disbelief and anger.

A few weeks ago out of the blue my 6 year old said that he didn't want to die. I told him that children shouldn't worry about those things. God decides when it is time for you to go to heaven. I also told them that we will all be together again in heaven.

When I was little, my parents told me that when people die, they are still with us and they visit us in our dreams. So of course, memories of my deceased grandparents filled my dreams (I don't know if they were "visiting" or my parent's suggestions influenced my dreams). But seeing them in my dreams made me feel like they were still there in a way

So sorry you are having to deal with this.
I didn't think my son could understand death at that age, but he did (and so did I.) So be very careful what you say--ie, "God needed her to be another angel," etc.
Answer their questions without giving too much information. Do you have a minister that could help?
Victoria