Seeking Advice !

I am so sorry to hear this. I have been there and it's a horrible thing to go through. My father had lung and liver cancer when I was a child. I know it will be really difficult, but I think you should tell her. I agree with you, the shock of her coming home one day and learning her grandma is gone may be worse. it'll be tough regardless, but I think you should let her know that she isn't feeling well. Good luck to you!

When I was almost 11 my grandmother died. I didn't know what was going on until we came home and she wasn't there anymore. All I can say is that for me, I wish that I would have known that she wouldn't be there anymore so that I could have said good-bye and told her how much I loved her. I am not saying that you should tell her too soon. But had I known before I left that day that it would be her last (my mom and grandpa knew thats why we weren't there), I probably would have been more prepared.

This is a very hard situation. Personally, I think you should talk with your dauhter. This is what I would tell my 5yr old daughter. Gramma is sick and the drs. can't make her better, that is why these nice people come to the ouse to help take care of her. (I am not sure what your religious status is I am a christian so I would say this) She is going to live with the angels soon and she won't be sick anymore. My gramma dies almost 1 yr ago, she was in hospice. If you really aren't sure what to say, talk to ospice, they are great in that situation. Good Luck and my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family

First off, I am truly sorry about your mother's condition. I hope you all find peace and a terrific closeness with each other.

About telling your daughter- Yes, she needs to know. It will be much harder on her NOT knowing what may happen, and then having it happen, than being prepared.

My grandmother passed away in March after a VERY short battle with cancer. My sister, who has a 5 year old son, made sure to explain to my nephew that grandma was sick. I'm not sure of the details of the whole conversation (there were actually several conversations), but it's amazing what a 5 year-old understands. He had many questions for my sister and she answered every one of them honestly. I think this helped him significantly.

Best of luck to you! The better prepared all of you are, the better.

I personally would not scare her by saying "One day grandma will be dead and gone" but I would talk about grandma being sick and that when a person gets old, parts of there body get tired and don't work so well. You might also visit the library and get some books for her age level that deal with this topic. Your librarian can help you find them. I would subtly introduce the idea. You might also want to alert her teachers about what is going on too so they can be look for any issues that might be going on too.

I have been in your same shoes. My 5 children and I all lived with my dad. We were here and able to help as his health failed. My youngest were 6 and 7 at the time. I do think that kids inately understand what is happening as well. They can see the change in health and capability levels of an ailing person.

Wow! I can not imagine going through this and I feel for you. I have four kids but we've never had to deal with a close death except a great grandmother that they knew but were not overly close to. She lived on Put-in-Bay so we didn't see her often. Anyway, I think if I were in your situation, I would probably let your little girl know that Grandma is sick, sometimes in pain?, and that God needs her more than you do? I can not imagine what wording I would use but she may take it easier if she knows that grandma is going to a beautiful place where she will feel no more sadness, pain or disappointment and that she will always be with you when you remember the things you did together as a family. In my experience, once hospice comes in, there is usually a reason of discomfort or an expected passing not too far down the road. I would be prepared because though it will be terribly hard (I don't even want to know) for you and your daughter, six months is probably a stretch. Just talk to your mom (and encourage your daughter to do so) even if she is unresponsive sometime because she will hear you and whatever is on your heart, tell her now. I don't mean to be upsetting but I am a nurse and so many times, I've seen families not say or do as they wish and you don't want any regrets. Tell her about the Lord and pray that all of her sins are forgiven then someday when you are ready to go, hopefully you will be rejoined with your precious mother. I'll be thinking about all of you and keeping you in my prayers.
Sincerely, S.

I would agree, your daughter needs to know. I would suggest stating to your daughter, sweetheart (or any other terms of endearment you may use) grandma may not look really sick, but she is. You know when you do not feel well, that is how grandma is feeling every day. Let her know that grandma may is dying, but please do not focus on the negatives of it. I know it is very difficult, I've been through it and have just had my step-sister die from cancer this year. Hospice will be a good resource for you. Also, realize that you might want to be prepared that as your mother's health declines even more and probably drastically at this point, that she might become extremely agitated with her granddaughter. It's the disease. Seems to affect most people that are sick with cancer. They just can't handle the activity of the kids for whatever reason. Know that your mom still loves her dearly and would feel bad if she realized she was doing that. Just prepare for the possibility.

Also, remember that all of you need to have assistance with this. Work with the resources that hospice provides.

I am so sorry to hear of your mother's condition. I know the excruciating pain of watching my father die of lung cancer. My children were too little to even know what was going on but my brothers and sisters told their children that grandpa was very sick (the kids could see it everytime they visited) and the doctors couldn't make him better. They all know now that he is in heaven and even sometimes they look up in the sky and say hi papa. I don't know if this will help you but I hope it does.

I'm very sorry to hear about your mother's condition. My prayers are with you.

I think at the age of five it is best to sit down with your child and tell her what is going on. It sounds like your mother is a big part of her life and you should help your daughter to prepare for when her grandmother is no longer there. I am sure she is already aware of her illness and the uncertainty surrounding what might happen to her grandmother may be causing her some anxiety already, although you may not see it. On some level I am sure she knows something is wrong.

I know that pets and people passing are totally different, but I was amazed at how well my son prepared with us for the passing of our dog who had cancer. He wanted to do something special for her prior to her death, and on his own planned a picnic with her on our living room floor. He shared his "people food" with her and said good-bye. All of it his idea- and he talks about her being in heaven, etc. and that she's no longer sick.

Long story short, kids know a lot more than we give them credit for- and he knew our dog was sick and was going to die before we ever discussed it with him. I feel he handled it a lot better because we had discussions and talked about death and saying goodbye. Of course my story is in no way comparable to the death of a family member, but I would be open and discuss things with my son so he could ask questions and prepare for what lies ahead.

I wish you all the best.

First off I'm sorry to hear your mother is ill. My mother is a hospise nurse and I can tell you that questions like this is one of the reasons they're there!!!! Ask your nurse what they think!! They are there to help with grieving as well as answer questions about dealing with little ones. They are there to help make this transition as painless as possible for everyone not just the person who is ill!!!!! I personally would sit down with my child and explain that Gramma is very sick, I think hiding it or keeping it from her will only make the passing harder for her. If she knows she can ask any questions she has and then spend time with her grandmother!! If she doesn't know it will be a suprise and there may have been things she wanted to say or that one last hug....they are just little people and we sometimes don't give them enough credit!! Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family!!!!! Remember to talk with your moms nurses they won't mind it sounds kinda cold but it's their job! Remember they chose it!!!!!!!!!! M.

As others have written, I am sorry to hear about your situation. I do think that it is important to talk with your daughter, even to cry with her. Sometimes we feel that we have to 'be strong' for our kids, but there is nothing wrong with talking with your daughter and letting her know that you are sad. This is a sad situation and it is OK to just be sad. My only suggestion is that when you talk to her, be careful to not say things like 'God is going to take her.' Sometimes, when people use words like 'take,' it makes children feel that God is mean and 'takes' people that we love away from us. It might be a difficult conversation, but your daughter will be grateful to hear what is going on (she probably already knows that something is very wrong) and will probably feel better knowing that she can talk with you about it. There is also a lot of support out there for both of you. Talk with the Hospice Chaplain about local support groups.
I will keep all of you in my prayers...

C.,

I'm sorry about your mother. Losing your mother is hard at any age. Don't forget to get a support system for yourself.

You absolutely need to tell your daughter that grandma is sick and dying, but that you want to make her last days happy and not sad even though you will miss her when she's gone. Hospice must have resources for handling this. If your daughter goes to school, the school counselor will have info she can give you on explaining death to 5 yr olds and the grieving process. If not, a librarian can recommend a good book for you or find a credible Internet resource.

Since you know in advance that your mother is dying, you have an opportunity to say your goodbyes and prepare.

B.

I am sorry that you have to deal with this. I lost my mother last year to stage four LC and it was the hardest thing I have ever experienced. My four kids were very close to her. We were honest with them. It made it easier on them in the long run. The hospice people are wonderful, and they will be more than willng to help you in so many ways. They will help you with what to say to your daughter. You need to explain what is going on to your daughter because like birth, death comes at any time. She may be there when it happens and you want her to be prepared. It may also give her time to get some final words in. If you already have hopice comming in, you may not have long. Better to prepare her for something like this. Also, spend time talking to your Mom, make sure there is nothing left unsaid. I did not get this chance because of seizures that led to brain damage. You will be in my prayers, if you ever need to talk please e mail me at ____@____.com
)))Hugs((((
~Jenn Q

I definatley think you need to tell her. Try to explain it to her at her level. She really needs to know!

I offer my empathy for your situation, it is very difficult, I am certain. I am a licensed Funeral Director and trained Grief Counselor. In dealing with children and death, I believe it is best to be honest (as much as necessary). Your daughter needs to learn from you that there is a cycle of life. There is wonderful literature available to you either online, at your local library or funeral home that will help you address the issue of death and children. It will help you understand how to explain death to a child in a way they can understand. For example, to a child, death should never be equated to sleeping...doing so, may place fear in a child that if someone is asleep, they may never wake up. My father died recently and my 4 year old son and I discuss it openly. He saw my dad after he died and I explained to him that his body stopped working, but that his soul(which is difficult to explain to a child) now lives in Heaven with God. We often look at the clouds and say how Papa lives past those beautiful clouds. We include my dad in our conversations. It helps my son to not be so fearful of death, but to understand that eventually a body stops working and we start a new life in Heaven, but there is always someone here to love and take care of him. I will offer whatever advice I can to help you, just contact me if you need any ____@____.com B.

I am very sorry to hear how sick your mom is. I beleive like some of the others that you should tell her. I was almost 12 when my grandma died, and I too was very close to her (she had cancer as well), and I loved her very much. We had to have hospice come in and my grandma wanted to pass at home not in a hospital. I was thankful that my mother made me aware of what was going on, at times my grandma laid there in a coma while I held her hand. Tho it was alot to deal with, as an adult I am thankful my mom didnt shelter me from it, because I was able to go through the greiving process slowly, knowing that one day she wouldnt be with me. It gave me comfort to be there with her as much as I could, no matter how sick she was. I agree with the others when they say to cry with her, and let her know you are sad. I beleive in being honest with our children, by showing emotion and hurt, your children learn that its ok to not always be strong, its ok to be hurt, and you in turn teach them how to deal with them. When my grandma was sick, my mom and I cried alot together. We were heartbroken together and we helped each other to heal and make it through. Good luck to you. You are in my prayers.

C.
I'm not sure what to tell you in this situation. I just wanted to drop you a line though and say I feel for you. I haven't had to tell my daughter yet that someone is sick and we may lose them soon. My mother-in-law died in April 2003..the same day we had my daughter's first birthday party. She had been sick since my daughter was 7 months old. But my daughter was so young and we didn't have to explain anything then. Then last year when my daughter was four we took her to Disney World. The same day we left her great-grandma died. I had to break the news of that to her which was heartbreaking. Now my father-in-law is sick with cancer and has been given up to two years to live....so understand the boat you are in. Like I said I don't know what to tell you but just wanted to say I feel for your situation.
T.

Hi C.,

So sorry to read about your Mother and my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I have gone through a similiar situation four years ago. My only sister went in to a Diabetic Coma and was taken off of life-support two weeks later. She passed away in my arms. My oldest son was only four years old at the time. He knew when this was going on that she was very sick and wasn't able to speek to anyone. I told him very little. The day she passed away I explained things and he was crushed! If I only knew at the time how hard death would be on a child, I would of done things differently. This was his only Aunt on either side of the family, besides my parents, myself, husband and younger son, all that he had. To this day, he brings her name up and yes cries. Explain things to her now the best way you know how. Prepare for tears, and tell her it's okay to be sad and not to hold it in. There are also books geared towards children regarding this subject. My heart goes out to you and good luck.

C., since your mother has hospice coming in, use their Social Worker and Bearevement Counselor to help you figure out the best way to tell your child. Those people are there for this very reason. You can also use their Chaplin. They will also offer support to your family once your mother passes away. Use them!!!

I am so very sorry to hear about your mother. I lost my Mom 6 months ago, so I understand what you are going through. You will be relieved when your mom is gone, because she won't be suffering, but of course you will be devastated. I pray for peace for your whole family. If you ever want to talk to someone who has been through this, email me back and I'll give you my number. Although sad, these last months with your mother may be some of the most precious to you. Hugs to you all.
L.

It is my opinion that you should always strive to tell your children the truth. It may be painful now, but nothing compares to the pain/disappointment of finding out your parents have not been truthful with you.

C.,

First of all, I am sorry to hear about your Mom. What you are going through is very hard. I know this because it just happened to me.

My Step-Father had Lou Gherig's disease---it is a deadly disease that eats away all of your body functions. Whoever has it, usually dies within a year. My Step-Dad got diagnosed in April of last year....he was walking with a cane then. My wedding was at the end of June....he was in a wheelchair but could walk a little sometimes(at my wedding was the last time he ever stood up and walked a few steps). By August of 2006, he was always in a wheelchair and could only move his upper body. This year he got a feeding tube, oxygen and finally a respirator. He was taken off the respirator June 22, 2007.

Through this whole ordeal was my son. He is almost 5 now. I was honest with him from the get-go. I told him grandpa was sick and at some point would go to heaven. He had alot of questions like kids do. I was always as honest as I could be. Even now he says that grandpa is in heaven with God.

My advice to you is to do the same thing. Keep things as normal as possible....make sure you are honest with your daughter--she will love you for it later.

My prayers are with you....if you need me, please let me know.

S.
____@____.com

I am sorry for the situation you are in, I know it must be very difficult. I would not let your daughter be surprised by your mothers death, Perhaps your hospice nurses or clergy could give you some advice on how to give her information that is appropriate for her age, because you also don't want her to be scared. Chances are your daughter has an idea that there is something very wrong, and would benefit from being told that grandma is very sick, etc. I wish you the best of luck.

I'm sorry for struggles, you're all in my prayers, my grandmother passed away several years ago now, on my cousins couch, from cancer. hospice was coming in daily, and my mother and i were at my aunts, us kids were young, myself the oldest maybe 10 and then my brother being one with my two cousins in the middle. we all knew what was going on, once she started to look sick it made more sence but we knew that it would happen, they sat us down and told us very calmly that grandma was sick, and special doctors were going to come to the house to take care of her and make her comfortale, but that they couldn't make her better, she'd always been sick and to us been fine so it was hard to undertand but hospice helped a lot with that as well, seeing a doctor come and go made it sink in a little bit mroe than i think it would have otherwise. you should tell her as much as you can now, i don't think i woul dhave dealt with it well and if she is seeing all this going on she needs answers, but the best thing my family did for me when this happened was to tell me that the doctors were not going to make her better, death won't be the first thing that comes to mind in a child when they here something like that but at least then she's prepared. stay strong, we're all praying for you.