Dealing with Emotional and Ill-behaved Step Daughter - When to Get Help.

My advice for is to get get her some help now I think there is something emotionaly going on with her. I am having the same problem with my neice who is 2 years old that has been through a lot of changes. The sooner you get her help the faster the process will go and throught session you will hopefull notice so changes. It helps for you stepdaughter to have someone different to talk to about her emotions. Well I hope I helped I wish you luck with everything.

A. =)

Even though she is getting quality time from dad, she may need it from you too. It's a lot for her to deal with going from being the only child/girl to being stuck in the middle before 2 babies. You might try letting your husband take care of the younger ones and just you and her doing something together. Have a girly day. Go see a movie, have lunch, and then some ice cream. Buy her a new outfit or dress while you are out. Get her hair fixed special instead of the movie if she would prefer that. It might seem like she doesn't want your attention, but she just might want only you and not the babies to be around. Even a movie and popcorn on the couch during the babies nap time or after they go to bed might be enough one on one time for her with you. My 6 year old acts out like that too, and we are the same united family he has always had. The only except is that we had 2 baby boys within 1 year, and he was the youngest and only boy before that. Having alone time with him really makes a big difference. You also might try being on another phone without anyone knowing so you know what the mom is saying to your daughter. She could be trying ruin things too.

Definately get family counseling!! Not only to help her adjust, but to help you and your husband understand her and be able to help her. My sister had emotional issues that my mother did not seek help for and she ended up pregnant at 15 and has had 3 failed marriages. My sister is looking to fill the emptyness her father left. Remember kids don't know how to express feelings and concerns the way adults do, and sometimes as adults we don't do such a great job!!

Wow! You have your hands full!

My son is the same way, he shuts down when I try to speak to him about his behavior and also shuts down at school when the teacher tries to talk to him. Counseling (outside of school) is a great thing for children. Having someone they can talk to that isn't directly involved with the family makes kids feel so much better about things. Just unloading all their troubles, worries, fears, onto someone else makes a huge difference.

Dr Susan Blue is over at Oakdale Psychology, give her a call, she can help. Most insurances cover such visits with a copay, it all depends on what kind of health insurance you have. Your insurance may also require that your step daughters pediatrician refer her over, if so, get the referral. It may seem like a hassle, but well worth it in the end.

As far as her real mom, I think that sucks. If she doesn't want to see her child it's damaging her child's self esteem.

Please seek counseling for your step daughter, you will be glad you did.

R.

Hi M.,
i just want to let you know I understand what you are going through. I have stepsons that we do not have custody of, as well as my own almost 11 month old son.
But more so over that, I am from a broken hoome, with plenty of re-marrying and different groups of half-brothers and sisters about.

The important thing to remember about your step-daughter is that she is going to be emotional. Jus tlike any person, adult of child goes through a range of emotions brought on by rejection, jealousy, fear, ( I am sure that is a big one ) etc.
being 6 she can't hide her emotions like an adult, or be as reasonable.

Alot of kids get tough breaks, and are labeled because of it. Children are notorious for change and any given behavior will dry up and blow away given time. Patience is sometimes hard to come by, especially when you are taking on so many challenging roles as you are.
you are right to giver her plenty of love, and some space too. just be strong for her and your family, and sometimes try to remember what it felt like to be 6, or maybe a time in your life when your place seemed very scary or uncertain.

If it were me, I would try to find another outlet for her besides family and school. Maybe she would improve in her social skills, and behaviors if she had another group to fit into that had a good peer structure. Like dance or gymnastics, girl scouts, or even Sunday school.

whatever you do, don't give up on her. And be cautious of seeking help. If you really need outside help consider a situation possibly less ostracising for her than therapy. I am not a church person, but I know as a child I felt filled with love going to church with my Gramma..

Good luck!

hi, i am 20 years old and my fiance has a 4year old daughter, she will soon be my step daughter and we are currently fighting to keep custody of her, she sees her mother every weekend. every week she comes home from her mothers with a horrible attitude kind of like what u are describing, and by the end of the week (because i am very strict but loving like you) she is fine and does what she is told and listens. and then she goes to her mother and comes home a horrible litte kid again. its a horrible vicious cycle! i cannot seem to win. you are lucky you have full custody, if we had full custody she would be fine, its so hard to deal with an angry kid isnt it? i can only say good luck and i know how u feel!

Sounds like you have your hands full for sure. I have a friend who was going through a similar experience not too long ago. She ended up putting the little boy (he was seven at the time) into counseling. At first, he was not receptive but, after some sessions, he opened up and got the help that he needed. He is a completely different child now compared to two years ago (now 9). He is very respectful of his parents and step sister as well as others. I think that it is never to early to ask for help for a child who has gone through a lot. If you think about it, your step daughter has certainly experienced a lot of change in her short life time so I can understand her frustration. It must be really difficult to walk on 'egg shells' around her and even worse to discipline her when she acts out. I think therapy for her and perhaps family therapy if everyone agrees would be helpful. That way she feels that you are all in this together and that you are going the extra mile to support her. Keep us posted. I wish you the best of luck!

A.

Hello M.,you sound like a understanding, genuion, & caring person.i raised 4 children and i know that part of being there for each age and stage can be alot to handle.i would like to let you know it sounds like you are doing a beautiful job.sometimes the best thing to do is to reach out for help at times.no where does it say we have to have all the answers or do it alone.i took my daughter to art therapy.she was going through changes and had some of the actions that your daughter is displaying.it was her time. Someone she could talk to and get out what ever . Then given options of solutions/other ways to look at things.then we would go out for ice cream,shopping,or the book store.i made it clear it was up to her to share. But she did not have to.i would only ask that she came out with at least one good thing she got out of her session.i would say was it a good visit?and let her say as much or as little as she wanted.follow her lead it was only for one year before i got the feeling she had moved on from her need or want to go.i think it surved many purposes.my daughter had a place to share whatever she needed and with guidance work through it.it took pressure off of me.i did,nt feel so alone to find the right solution or to know if things would be ok or i was doing what my daughter truly needed.and the one surprise that truly helped us.we found out how much we realy needed and cared about each other.i also was told what a great mom i was.i so needed this to go on somedays more than others.
I must let you know it was a process and sometimes she came out of her session not saying very much.it would show in her actions though in school at home and with grandparents.and today my grown children share little things that show me my time and efferts made a big difference. So i would tell you to hang in there and be good to yourself you. Do good things and you will not be sorry.your children are so worth it.reach out for help when you need to and follow your instincts.you are a great mom.

Hi M.,

I can honestly say I have walked a mile in your shoes! Without going on about my own life story, I will say keep in mind that we as parents or step parents always feel that we deserve gratitude from the children we go out of the way for to make happy. I found that sometimes as my children and step children were growing up and several of these types of issues cane up, it was always that that particular child needed some special attention, it seems as though your saying she gets the special attention from her father , however she most liekly wants more one on one from you, only she will never show you that because to her her own Mom left her, even though she is with you and her father, no matter what anyone says a child will go through feeling (he or she did something wrong, or is not good enough) and maybe that's why I'm not with my Mommy or the child feels as though they did something to help end the realtionship between their Mom and Dad, this leads to feeling inadequate and also leads to fear that someone else might leave her. Believe me I have dealt with all of this and the destruction in can cause in a child's life, even if you do not take her to counseling just yet, get some expert advice, either through a children's psychologist or there are some great reads out there, look for something on children and divorce.
Next time you get a chance, even if she seems resistent, take her on a special outing for the day, don't try to be her Mom, just listen to her and make her feel special. I guarantee that even though she may seem ungrateful, when she goes to bed that night she will keep tp herself that you are not the "bad guy".
Good Luck

#1 Push the evaluation. I am not sure what school district you are in, but push for it. She definately needs to be evaluated.

#2 YES, this is the time to seek help. The sooner the better.

It sounds to me like you already know that it's time to seek help. According to many doctors, a child's sense of self and of the world is developed by age 5. She has been through a lot and her views of herself and of the world are likely damaged. If she was acting out because she had a fever or another sickness, you would get her help right? So, why not help her with a psychological issue? Like you said, she might really have a condition (bi-polar etc.) that medication could help with.

It sounds like you have your hands full and I'm sure it's going to take a lot of firm consistent behavior to get her to adapt/change. The important thing is to make sure you, your husband, and the grandparents are on the same page with dealing with your step daughter so that change can occur. Get as much help for her as you feel necessary. If you do put it off and chalk it up to "a phase" it'll get worse and your little son WILL start copying her behavior.

M.,
Now is the perfect time to seek help. Even if there is nothing wrong they still may suggest that your step daughter seek thereapy. This is such a tough and trying time for her. She obviosly feels rejected by her biological mom. Although it has been a year your 6 yr old probably still thinks that one day mommy is going to call and want her back. Don't worry your handling it like a pro seek more advise from professionals and talk to someone about odd. i am sure you can get some info online as well. Good luck.
D.