Dealing with Death - South Bend,IN

Tell her the TRUTH, simplified. They are no longer with us, living things don't last forever and it was their time to be done... She doesn't yet understand complicated yet anyway, so just keep it simple and factual.
I realize you are atheist, but more than a "religion", the TRUTH is what is important as what is true is what is, just tell her what you KNOW to be true.

J. - I am in a similar situation as our wonderful dog just passed away this week. My kids are a little older (3 and 4), which seems to help a little bit. We told them that our dog died. We said that he was in a lot of pain and was very old and that his body wasn't working any more. We said that it is ok and normal to miss him and to feel sad, but that even though we cannot see him or touch him anymore, we can always see him by looking at his pictures and feel him by thinking about him. We said he is always around us because we will always remember him.
Another thing that has helped is that we have a couple of stuffed animals that are the same breed as our dog. They sleep with these in their beds, and that seems to help when they feel sad.
J., I am so sorry that some of the people in this normally supportive community have taken your question as a chance to challenge or attack your beliefs. I support you in your choices and your strength in raising your children in the way that fits with you and your beliefs. You are a strong and wise woman. And you are not alone.

We're atheist, too, and the problem hasn't been so much with *us* explaining death to the kids, it's been dealing with the confusion when other people find out and say "Oh, your sister is so lucky to be living with god and the angels!!!" or whatever. (good intentions, horrid results..)

I found the "circle of life" concept very helpful. Things are born, they live, and they die. That's how it goes. It's normal and natural. I agree that sick=death isn't as problematic as sleeping=death. We also used the broken toy analogy. Sometimes toys are broken (or sick..) and can be fixed. Sometimes toys are broken so badly that they no longer work. (die) It seemed to help.

Good luck!

With children this young, it is generally recommended to keep it as simple as possible. They don't want long, detailed stories about where the pets have gone or why, necessarily. You may just keep it simply as that they have "moved on" or something along similar lines. Children just want something tangible, and reassuring during the toddler years. I would redirect and focus on the positive more - "isn't it wonderful we had so much time with them before they had to go?" and "What's your favorite thing you remember about them?" This might help her solidify in her mind that they are gone, but without having to focus on the negative while she's so young.

Lion King and the Circle of life says it all.

My son is 3 and over the last year we lost our grandma and our dog. I did not know how to explain death to my son either so I told him that grandma and our dog-P.J- went to heaven and I pointed up to the sky. Of course he asked what heaven was and I explained that heaven was a very fun place to go if you are good here on earth. I am catholic but unfortunatley not practicing so it was hard explaining where you go when you die. He was happy with my explanation. Good luck with yours

I was raised by parents who wanted me to choose my own religion. They would say some people believe...everyone believes differently...or ask me as a child what I believed. When I would tell them what I believed they would question me on why I believed that way. This left me very confused, root-less and empty as a young adult. I felt like I was always searching for something but I didn't know what. Now (30 years later), I realize I have just been searching for an explanation and I am attracted to anyone who thinks they have an explanation. Lucky for me I have found the truth, but my two sisters are still out searching. We all 3 have relationship problems, self-esteem issues, and just are not very secure with ourselves, which I think may stem from having NO beliefs growing up. I feel like any explanation would have been better than no explanation.
Everyone as an adult is going to search out THEIR own truth. I think my search would have gone smoother if I had SOMETHING to start with. Something I could prove right or prove wrong. Having no religous information as a child made it really hard for me to ask questions as I got older because, I didn't even know enough to form a question. I'm just saying, I would make sure to give your kids a concrete answer when they ask questions. Maybe start your answers with "I believe...our animals...." as they get older they will naturally decide if they want to believe as their parents do or not. We all know that just because we have taught our kids to be a certain way doesn't mean they will be that way.

Dear J.,
If I were you, I would stop at your local library and ask the children's librarian to help you. There are many books written for little kids to help them through the BIG questions, many of them about dogs. You could also look on amazon.com. I would suggest you read the books first and pick out the ones you like and then spend some time reading them together.

Good Luck to you and your baby girl.

This is so hard to explain to children, especially when we don't really know what happens. We are not religious either and when my Dad was killed 2 yrs. ago I had a hard time explaining it to my children. My children were 3, 5, and 8. When I was cleaning out his apartment I found a story he had in his desk, it makes me cry every time I read it. Its wonderful and makes me and my kids feel better. Its called Dragonflies, if you want to hear the story so you can share it with your daughter just let me know. Dragonflies have become a symbol for us that reminds us of my Dad I'm getting one tattooed on as a memorial to him. We also did art projects with the kids. I bought canvases and had the kids paint them, I then wrote on them with a marker what they will miss most about their Grandpa and we glued a picture of them with him on it. Its something they can have forever to remind them that even though the person or pet isn't here and we can't see or feel them we still have their love and love never dies. You can point out her heart and tell her their love is in there and she will always have it. Let me know if you want the story and I hope I could help.

I'm not a real religious person either. I told my daughter that our cats and dog went to be the angels. She seemed to think that was nice. I also told her they would be together because I believe that. It comforted her too. Being at peace is true with sick and put to sleep, and suffering and dying, they're peaceful now. She's two. You have more time to think. It's like sex, tell you what she needs to know, and if she needs more she'll ask. Don't barrage with a bunch of philosophy.
People will tell them different things, and since I don't have a firm belief, and no one really DOES know with certainty, telling them as they get older that some people believe this, and some people believe....my daughter asks me now (she's nine) what I believe, and I tell her what makes me feel peaceful to think. The factual (she was very sick and she's not sick anymore) as well as "and I like to think that....."

P.S. Do angels have to be related to God? Can't they be the spirits of those who have gone before us, and are here to protect us? I think they can.

Ignore that last comment. That was pretty rude. >:( (the one from Stacia...sorry...)

We do not teach according to the bible. We do not got to church, because although we believe in God, we do not believe in the Church's view/interpretation of God.

That being said, the easiest way for us to explain to our daughter about death is using the circle of life. Everything is born, lives the life it needs to live, and then returns to the earth. We explained this to her as we had a little "good-bye" ceremony and buried some of our small pets (usually the rescue attempts of the animals the cat brings home). I think that using the terms like 'heaven' etc are too abstract for a child at this age. Doing something that they can touch/feel/see is more effective. So, we found that explaining how things return to the earth as we bury our beloved pet with love and gratitude to have had the opportunity to know such a wonderful being has always helped my daughter.

Good luck in finding a way to explain death. It's never an easy subject.

As I started to read your request, I thought.... ok, easy to answer. Sadly, we have had many deaths in the family in the last 2 years. My father-in-law, who died way too young, and then 2 years later my husband's grandfather, who both of my kids were very close to. I consider myself a bit of an expert on telling my kids about death and loved ones leaving us. When I read that you're an atheist, I became stumped on how to respond. I was raised by an athiest father. I never had any kind of religious background. He still is VERY anti-any-kind-of-religion and let's me know how he feels in every conversation.

I was always taught that when people or animals die, they are gone forever and they go into the ground and become worm food. I swear to you, that's what he told us. By no means was I scarred by that. My mom was Catholic, but never practiced as long as she was married to my father. Just like you said that when your kids grow up and make their own choices, I made mine. Never while I was growing up believed that there was no God or no Heaven. I always believed there was something, but because I was never taught by my father, I had to discover it for myself as I grew up. My choice now.....fully active and practicing Catholic. I teach my kids that when our loved ones die they go to heaven and be with our lord where there is no hatred, no prejustice, no anger and so on and this helps them to accept death as a part of life.

I digress, but what I'm trying to say is maybe even though you're an athiest, it might just be easier to tell the kids that so and so went to heaven and is living free and happy without pain or suffering(no need in your case to bring up God and angels when speaking of "heaven"). Treat it like a place for those who have passed on--A happy place.

You never know, those kids might just become spiritual just like I did.

Sarah had a great response, I have so much trouble dealing with my son's grandparents in particular because they tell him so and so is in heaven, the dog is in heaven now, etc...I don't mind if they take him to church just to expose him to what I would not be a part of, but I think it gives him false ideas.
So when Titan the grandparents dog died, he was very upset and cried and asked me if he would see Titan in heaven, or if dogs go to a special dog heaven. Just as Sarah had stated, the circle of life talk was the one I gave him. But of course thanks to grandma, he is adamant that Titan is in heaven and why oh why doesn't mommy believe that there's heaven or a God and will I go to hell because of this? All at the tender age of 4.
As much as he hears from my family, I have basically made it clear that he can believe whatever makes him happy but mommy doesn't go to church or say prayers and that's perfectly okay too. Titan isn't suffering anymore wherever he may be and that's what counts! I know its tough, society makes it tougher, but I think it's really nice to have a forum like this...makes me feel like I'm not the only one out here that doesn't subscribe to religion, cuz sometimes I feel alone!

Hi J.,

I am agnostic and asked this question before. I did not want to say anything like they went to sleep, because I did not want my son to be afraid to go to sleep.

Somewhere along the way, my son learned about angels. I mean lets be real, to have our kids completely avoid the topic of religion - well you can just see by the answers to your question that everyone will tell you what they think on it regardless of if you ask for it or not. Or, they'll see thing like Christmas decorations, etc.

Anyways, he knows what angels are - at least the concept of what one looks like. So, what we've told him is that there comes a time in people's lives where they become angels and you can't always seem them, but they are always around.

My son is almost 4 and that answer seems to pacify his curiousity for now, though, like you - I will support whatever way my son chooses to go in the faith department.
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I'm glad you are comfortable with your beliefs in your religion. A basic concept of religion and America, is the RESPECT of other people's rights to believe and practice what they want.

J., know that you are not alone in your beliefs - no matter what people say about it on here. Kudos to you for discovering your belief and being comfortable with it and raising your kids with the freedom to CHOOSE what they believe. I believe this will make them more tolerant and educated about other people and ALL relgions in the world.
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Further edit after actually reading some of these responses to your question.

Really, I went to Catholic school for 12 years. And it's some of these answers that made me "convert" to my own personal belief/way of life.

I'd like to remind people that religion is not the law of the land. So to say, "Would you let your child grow up and choose which laws to follow" is not a valid argument. Relgious views, whlie you can raise your child a certain way - the way you feel is right, like everything else you do as you raise them ultimately becomes their individual choice.

If you want to believe that the Bible is the word of your god and your life, then I respect your choice.

But not all of us believe that.

And there is nothing wrong with that.

I don't know if this would conflict with your beliefs/nonbeliefs, but when we have had family pets die our friends have talked to their children about it and they have watched the movie "All dogs go to heaven". Since most religons believe in some sort of after life/place/etc its let the kids connect that the animal has gone away, its happy where its at and its not coming back. Don't know if that helps. Good luck.

Yep, I agree with many of the other comments, though you profess aethism it is as tough to prove the non-existence of God as it is to prove He is there to non-believers... so agnistic, "I am not sure" is a good approach since you are trying to give her latitude to make up her own mind. Stick with what you KNOW - things die, their bodies are buried... and then "some people believe"... and give her lots of options, heaven, reincarnation, oblivion... there are quite a few options out there to otss her way. Good luck, and God bless. >wink<

We've had a family cat and a grandmother die in the last two years (my kids are now 3 and 5). I am a big fan of the "some people believe" discussions. Especially if, as you say, you want to leave things open for her to try things out. You can say something about heaven (which I think most kids find attractive, probably due to the fairy tale nature of the idea) but also say what you believe, or don't. I always emphasize that it's a good question to ask, but that we don't really know. So "some people believe" leaves it open for them to think about it, and relieves the pressure on you to have the perfect right answer.

I wouldn't worry too much about her thinking if people get sick they'll die, that's not one of the most confused topic in this area -- "going to sleep" is. Avoid telling her that the animal just went to sleep forever, that's more likely to make her afraid. And don't forget to stress that the animal is still alive in your hearts and memories -- look at pictures and tell stories.