Daughter Won't Listen to Her Teacher

I am a childcare provider and while I might share that "we had a rough day listening" or something like that it is my responsibility to make her behave while she is here. I put a kiddo in time out, if I know that they will stay put until I tell them to get up I can walk away but if I question whether or not they'll stay I stand right next to them until time out is over. I think it is great that you are trying to support the teacher by reinforcing at home, but it is that teacher's problem to deal with at "school".

M

First of food especially desserts should NEVER be a reward or punishment. This can lead to severe eating disorders later in life.

I would also ask "what has changed in her life or school?" It sounds to me that she is seeking attention. Has anything happened recently to make her feel she needs to seek attention any attention even negative attention seems to be her goal.

I want to give you some gentle advise here, N.. I'm a mother of older kids, boys at that, and I really hope you will listen to my advise.

This teacher is a poor teacher. She complains to you because she does not know how to manage children who don't respond to her particular way of teaching.

This isn't your child's fault. It's not your fault. It's her fault.

PLEASE find another preschool for your daughter. Unlike elementary school where you have to put up with a bad teacher, you have choices with preschool.

Your daughter is too young for stern talking-to's to have any affect. You cannot discipline her at home for what happened at school because, yes, it's too long afterwards, and the consequences don't have anything to do with the school behavior.

One of my sons had a 2nd grade teacher who was like this, N.. She blamed my son for her lack of consistency in the classroom, for his way of handling the way she would pit children against children, all kinds of things. I remember crying in the principal's office one day when she fussed at me because he touched a motorcycle a man was showing them on a field trip. She had a big personality and she loved making a "show" in front of the world. I didn't understand this - I thought that I was responsible for fixing this. The school secretary told the principal what happened, and by the time I got home, she had already called and left me a sweet message on my answering machine telling me that there was nothing wrong with my son, and that she would work with the teacher. What a wise woman she was! I learned a great deal about what a poor teacher can do to a child and a classroom that year. It took 2 years for my son to really get over what that woman put him through.

You will have to learn to advocate for your daughter soon enough. But right now, you just need to get her in another school. I would go right now and observe in other places, and watch how teachers handle kids in 3 year classes. I will just bet that this teacher makes them sit too much and tries to get them to act like older kids. Nothing is going to fix that if you stay in this school.

Good luck,
Dawn

Last time I checked, kids were in preschool to get their feet wet in a fun school setting. Last time I checked, not many 3 year olds had 100% perfect control of themselves.

My first, gut reaction is the teacher doesn't know how to handle a child that isn't docile & immediately obedient, and IMO, that means she doesn't know to do her job effectively. To already be labeling a 3 year old as having behavioral issues (which sound like a normal 3 year old) is just mean and weird.

I would probably find a preschool that actually wanted to help mold my child, and not punish and label her. I mean, really, it's preschool, not Stanford, you know?

I worked at a daycare. The only time we notified parents was if there was an injury, or if their kid bit another kid. The preschool teacher really should not be complaining to you about your daughter. I would have a talk with the director of the daycare/preschool. You dont expect the teacher to come to your home an discipline your child, she shouldnt expect you to discipline her students.

Sticker charts and the other techniques may help over time. Remember your daughter has only been figuring out the rules of the world during her very short life so far. The parts of her brain that will help her with skills like paying attention and delaying gratification are just beginning to develop. But time-outs, while better than corporal punishment for many kids, have been shown to be useless for some children.

Coming up with a meaningful consequence hours after misbehavior is much too vague for the average 3yo. Her teachers are the ones who must administer immediate consequences. If they are expecting you to deal with it at home in the evening, they're not handling this as professionally as possible.

You can, of course, continue working with her at home. Short corrections based on her current behavior will help reinforce the rules, as might a sticker chart similar to what daycare uses. Make both rewards and consequences happen almost immediately as you introduce the chart; you'll probably notice her attention span and ability to remember instructions improve over coming weeks and months.

I also love the easy-to-learn principles in the wonderful book, How To Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. This is the most effective and practical parenting book I've ever used, and I've investigated quite a few of them in my 40+ years of caring for children in various capacities. It's broken down into steps that enable you to practice as you go.

I've been employing this gentle, mutually-respectful approach with my grandson since he's been 2.5 years (he's now 7), and it's been amazing. It does take some time and attention to introduce any new practice, but it's so worth the work.

Good luck with your daughter. I hope you and her teachers will leave room for her to be a 3yo!

ADDED: Hazel is really on-track with her suggestion of positive reinforcement. A quiet moment of appreciation is highly valued by most children, and they'll try harder to earn those moments than to avoid punishment.

Hi N.,

First, I agree that the discipline needs to be happening in the moment. At not-yet-three, kids cannot put together "I did something wrong at 10 a.m. and now I don't get XYZ".

Personally, my first question is "where is the time-out taking place?" Is it next to other children who are playing, or a quiet area away from the action? I always chose to have a place which was quiet and removed from the general play areas, and tried to make 'taking a break' an option before reverting to time out. (Esp. if they were having a hard time self-regulating their body. A cozy corner of books is better than sitting in a chair and helps the child calm down without being scrutinized by their peers.) As a preschool teacher myself, I'm not a huge fan of time out-- I AM a believer that when kids are allowed to sit until they are ready to comply with a direction/behavior expectation, that usually works better. "Please sit here until you are ready to do such-and-such" makes more sense and helps the child get back on track, then moves things along. My son is five and this is still how we do it when I have noncompliance to a request.

(I've also had kids who sat for five minutes or more, voluntarily, because they were just needing a break and didn't know it. One little girl, who was sitting because she wouldn't put something away, spent nearly 20 minutes alone. "Are you ready to pick up the item?" her response "No, not yet." When she was done, we had no more trouble that day and she was calm and pleasant. Just needed that break.)

I would suggest that they need to get her attention fully, much like what you describe. In that situation, I first check in with the child to connect ("Hi Sally, I see you have a baby all wrapped up in a blanket. She looks cozy. We are going to need to wash our hands now. So, say it with me: 'its time to wash hands'... )then, have her repeat the simple direction and lastly, escort her over, so she's getting the positive attention during the transition instead of the negative attention of not following through.

I don't know what other advice to offer you, as I don't really know which behaviors the teachers are trying to correct or how she is being disruptive. Personally, I'm also not a fan of sticker charts/incentives at school, but that's just me. Often, a friendly smile, a rub on their back or shoulder--"Wow, you did a fine job of washing your hands!" or other praise, heartfelt, is 'reward' enough. Our attention is one of the best motivators. If this were a kid I was having a tough time with, I'd find moments to have that child be a little helper whenever it seemed reasonable, or to take them aside on my lap for a minute to have a snuggly moment to reconnect, just so they get me without getting a reprimand. "Can you carry this book to circle time for me?" "Oh, will you be my helper? I need to walk this to the office.Want to come keep me company?" Positive attention is a great substitute for negative attention, and I think if she's getting connection *before* being directed, this might really help.

Let us know if you have more particulars in mind.
PS-- Dawn actually posted what first came into my head, which was that your daughter's teacher is being a bit of a tattletale. But that is my assumption. You might do well to see if you can observe the classroom without your daughter's knowledge.

I'm sorry but you need to take a step back. Your daughter is not even three years old, she is still learning and will be for awhile. IMO, you should not be disciplining her at home for things that happen in daycare. She probably doesn't even associate the two.

Sometimes we have to remind ourselves that kids are kids. Examine your expectations and whether or not they are appropriate for her age and where she is developmentally. I think you will find she is a normal kid and you should cut her quite a bit of slack. Enjoy your time with your daughter, don't worry so much about her normal behavior at daycare.

At my daughter's daycare they said not to punish at home for a problem at school. She's too young to see the connection for an incident that occurs in the morning at school with discipline you dole out later at home.

For what it's worth, I think your kid sounds totally normal. Not listening and being disruptive is kind of par for the course at this age. I don't think I've ever met a three year old who wasn't a bit defiant a few times a day, let alone a week!

Your daughter is 3.
Just so you know, NO 3 year old is still as a statue or quiet as a cotton ball.
And, your child is not the only one like that.
Preschool is about "prepping" a child. Not the child ALREADY being fully mastered at things in a classroom setting.

Then, does your daughter get enough sleep?
Lack of sleep, in some kids, makes them less behaved. Because, they are TRYING to keep themselves "awake" hence they get more active and certainly when tired, they cannot listen well.
At my son's preschool there was a boy like your daughter. But the teachers KNEW, that this boy didn't have adequate sleep. The parents kept late hours and were not good at all, about having consistent sleep routines, for their son. They were often out and about, even past a normal kid's bedtime etc.

a problem kid??? she is 3 years old. 3 year old children are suppose to have fun and play and do crafts. if she isn't behaving once or twice a week that's not bad for a three year old. is the school letting you know about her good days and what she did good??? i guess i just understand why people want their children to grow up so fast. i do understand that there has to be a place to start. have they tried a more one on one like you have at home with her???

Once she gets home, you can't really connect the punishment with the behavior at this age. It is over and done with. That being said, I went through this with my son, and I would remind him on the way in to school that he needed to listen and be good. I would reward him if he didn't get any time outs. We did find that he had a hearing problem that caused him really not to hear much. And honestly, if you asked me then, I would have told you, "he hears me just fine!" But he did not. Everything sounded like it was underwater to him because of a lot of fluid in his ears--food for thought. The other thing, was at that age we had him split between 2 schools. At one school he was in time out 5-10 times a day (and proud of it I might add). At the other school, he maybe got 1 time out a month. Hmmm, made me wonder. He loved the attention he got from the time outs, and the teacher really gave them for silly things. She would ask him to clean up. His response, "I don't want to." Time out. Well, what 2-3 yo does want to? She should have followed up with a direction to do it. I dreaded picking him up and having to hear her tell me how many time outs he got. I also found the style of that class to be more learning and structured, which he couldn't handle, whereas the other school was much more play based. So, I would implement positive reinforcement, check out the hearing, and observe the teaching style.

Oy she is 3. She is just learning about life. The teacher should be able to handle a child who is just learning the rules. She really just sounds like a typical three year old.

Your daughter is still too young to understand that this time out is for "bad behavior" earlier in the day with other people.

I worked in preschool for years, and I think you are taking this as personal and as a reflection on you. Instead they are just informing you of what they are noticing. They will work with her at school, you work with her at home. The 2 do not over lap at this age.

Think about this.. at 2 her attention span is 2 minutes.. at 3. not mening on that exact day... she will have about a 3 minute attention span.

She is active, curious and does not know all of the rules or understand all of them. She is a brand new work in progress.

She is becoming more aware of her abilities. She is not interested in others as much as she is about herself and what she can do. This is all very exciting.

Your part a home is to help her gain the new skills of listening and understanding. "Suzy, listen to my words." then give her quick and easy directions. "Please bring me your cup. Thank you!"

"Suzy, when I talk to you, look at me. Please help me, find your shoe."
"What did I just say?"

These are things you will say a million times, until she realizes you are serious and this is what she is supposed to do when you or any 0ne speaks with her.

This is just part of this age. The school knows this.

But remember, just because she can walk and talk, she is still very young. She has only been on this earth for such short time. Think how long it would take you to learn a completely different culture and language?
Now imagine if you were punished for your mistakes, from work, but while you were home....

Mama, you sound like you are spot on with your response to this. You are trying to set limits but not in a harsh way. I think your daughter is going through the learning curve. Sounds like she is behaved for the most part at home. I bet she is just trying to learn and test the ropes in a group setting. I would continue to be consistent and loving in your home and she will grow out of this. She might be fairly strong willed which is a great quality but a tough one to deal with as a parent. "The Strong Willed Child" is a good book for kiddies who are highly determined. Outside of staying the
course at home, I would keep punting it to the teacher. Maybe have rewards for everyday she gets a good report at school, like gets to read an extra book at night, or gets more free play time with you.

I don't think you're being too harsh at all. In our home, dessert is a rarity, so if it's normal in your house, that's a good thing to take away. It's a privilage, not a right.

I also agree that the teacher really needs to handle these things. I think it's good to have consequences at home (like you're doing), but the teacher needs to be the main disciplinarian in these situations. Work with your daughter on following directions and listening. Explain to her that the teacher should be respected the same way you are.

Good luck!

This is really the teacher's problem to resolve, not yours. Your job as a parent is to send your child to school well fed, well rested, and ready to learn. You have done your job disciplining her at home and making sure she understands how to follow rules. What you can't do, and what no parent can do, is parent when you're not there. That is the teacher's job!

I would suggest that you sit down with the teacher and preschool director and make clear what I said above. You bring your child to school ready to learn and with the understanding that you WILL back up the teacher - but once you leave the building, if your child just "won't" mind the teacher, that is because the teacher isn't leading effectively. Tell the teacher that she needs to figure out ways to engage your daughter so that she listens and behaves. (By the way, good teachers can do this without punishment often times - by getting down to the child's level, using positive peer pressure, recognizing success - but sometimes they do have to do timeouts too!) Do not let the teacher make this your problem. If the child is behaving at home, she can behave at school, too, she just needs someone to expect more out of her, and enforce the rules consistently.

Hang in there, mama. I went through this with my youngest, and even though she's in 3rd grade, we still have to follow up on this. Such is life with the strong-willed child. :)

What kind of preschool is she going to? At three it should pretty much be play, play, play, so unless she is hitting or throwing toys or trying to go outside while everyone else is inside I can't imagine what she's getting in "trouble" for.
And you are right, punishing her for something that happened hours earlier doesn't do anything, other than confuse her and (probably) make her frustrated, because of course she is too young to put two and two together.
Maybe the school is not a good fit for her. Have you looked at other options?

Are you reminding her to get a good report before she goes to school?

Eventually, you will find that special something you can take away that really bends her out of shape. That will be your leverage.

You can also try a different approach. It is give and take. With my older daughter it was money. We would start at the beginning of the week with $10 and if she was asked too many times to do something, we would take $0.50. That pissed her off. She soon learned to listen. Your daughter might be a little young for the money deal, but you can use stickers or something she likes. Maybe buy sticker books and she can fill a page with stickers she has left at the end of the week.

I agree with Hell on Wheels about the child and the temperment. My son was like this and when he went to preschool immersion classes he was a handful. The principal called and told me NOT to take him out of class because the teacher HAD to learn how to handle and teach such a child.

He was the type that you had to keep a tight reign on what you did with him like riding a horse with the reigns too loose or too tight. Things would not work out. If and when you found the right spot all was well. I recall all through his childhood he was was the "hard" one to parent.

I cut my parent teeth parenting my son. So when my daughter came along she decided not to do what brother did because he was always into trouble of some type. She will tell me this to my face that she learned a lot of what not to do because of him.

So all I can say is hang in there and find her currency (tv, dolls, etc.) and put them in time out of hang them up on the wall or shelf out of reach. GL

The other S.

She's 3, this is normal for her age. She should be getting her consequences at school not at home. All she sees in you taking stuff away, she has no concept of it happening because she misbehaved at school. Let the school give her consequences. It won't hurt to talk to her at home afterwards but as for punishing her...it's not going to have any effect. The school needs to be the authority figure here and give her consequences. Like if she doesn't listen during circle time she needs to still sit and do her stuff while the other kids are playing. Or she needs to do some stuff to be teachers helper instead of getting to do crafts. They need to be more creative.

They need to give her the consequences at school. It has no effect at this age if you do it at home. She's 3 and does not have the mental ability to associate this.

This is also a rowdy time of year. Even though Christmas is over kids are still reeling from all the stuff and excitement. It will take time for them to settle down mentally. If she has been doing well most of the time I'd just wait this out and do the redirecting. If she really does something wrong like hitting or aggression then I'd be in the classroom as often as I could to see what might be starting this behavior.