5 Year Old Doesn't Listen - Mount Pleasant,SC

Just be cautious with rewards, good behavior should be an expectation, not just done for a reward. It might be an okay place to start, but you don't want her only behaving when she thinks she's getting a reward. Any rewards shouldn't be "buying" of things, it should be extra time with you doing something you both enjoy. I would be consistant with time outs/taking away privledges (and letting her earn them back). If you want to help her track her behavior try a chart tracking her behavior in time increments that she can manage every hour or 1/2 hour depending on the child, just make a chart on the computer and let her put a sticker for each time increment that she listened the way se was supposed to.

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I have a five year old son who has stuggled with listening in the past few months too. Getting into trouble at preschool for the first time ever, etc... The first few times we didn't make a big deal out of it and it just escalated, so we made it clear that we expected him to be respectful of his teachers and school rules. We took away some of his favorite toys and he had to earn them back. It seems to have helped a lot. I really think he just needed to know this is something we take seriously. At home, as you said, we make sure he's paying attention when we ask him to do something, and blatant disregard for what we've asked is punished with a time out... sent to his room, etc... Also lots of praise for listening, or miracle of miracles... remembering to do things without being asked! Good luck!

P.. it sounds to me that you should consider a medical examination since her failure to listen is generalized - listening to no one. Rule out any physical/medical first and I mean getting a couple of opinions ( audiologist, pediatrician) before behavior modification techniques. Good luck. Jay Gordon

Dannelle had a excellent point, and Alfie Kohn has a wonderful article on that site called "Atrocious Advice from the Supernanny". (I used to watch that, too, even bought the book and thought it was fine. But that article had some good points and made me rethink it.)

When you can look at things from the child's point of view, it tends to change your perspective. As frustrating as it is for a parent, this is actually a sign of her increasing mental development. Her thoughts are becoming more complex and she's beginning to "think things out" for a longer time, she's starting to have "conversations in her head" - just as adults do almost all the time, while driving, while chopping onions, whenever. She becomes engrossed in her own thoughts so much that she may not hear her name. (Assuming, of course, that you have ruled out the hearing issues.) So, congratulations, your little girl is growing up and thinking deeper thoughts! And instead of acting up in her preschool, she is quietly amusing herself with her thoughts.

I don't know about your household, but my husband and I frequently don't hear what the other is saying if we are engrossed in what we are doing. If I tell my husband something while he is working at the computer, I make sure I get an "OK" or some other acknowlegement.

What to do about it, though? One technique I picked up from the "Positive Discipline for Preschoolers" book is to "practice" listening. Say "OK, I'm gonna say your name" and then you say "Yes Mommy?" Then try it immediately, then about 5 minutes later. Then, you know, a couple more times that hour, and a maybe a few more times later in the day.

Obviously, if she's too lost in her own thoughts to notice hearing her name, she won't catch the instructions you are giving her. The same is true for any adult. Get an "OK, Mommy." You should be able to recognize that glassy-eyed, glazed over look, because she hasn't yet developed the art of "looking interested" when she's bored and her mind is starting to wander. (You're gonna tell me you NEVER do that in long meetings?) If you are convinced that she *is* hearing AND listening, and you get the "OK, Mom" or whatever, and THEN she fails to do... whatever it is, that's another story. But punishing a kid for being distracted just makes no sense.

And even IF she "gets the message", and doesn't do exactly what you tell her all the time, that's hardly enough to make her a problem kid. Yes, it's much easier to deal with a child who is always obedient and compliant and always does exaclty what they are told, but it's not the values we want them to have as adults. And a child who always does exactly what their parents say may become a teen who always does exactly what thier friends say, because - face it - for teenagers, what thier friends think carries more weight than what your parents think because parents just seem so... ancient. Most people want their kids to grow up and not be afraid to stand up for the things they believe in, to not cave in to pressure from friends, to be outspoken and sometimes to question authority even show defiance. Those are the qualities of people who have changed the world. Right now there's a story in the news about some guy in the FAA who tried to bring attention to the fact that a lot of planes weren't being inspected properly and he had his job threatened, as well as his wife's. But that didn't stop him. He had the courage to stand up to authority and that's why hundreds of flights have been delayed this week while engineers are inspecting the landing gear of all these planes before one crashes. And, yeah, it's a LOT harder to nurture that kind of spunk in a kid than "I'm gonna count to 3! 1.... 2.... "

That being said, I'm not impressed with the preschool teacher. What's the point of "writing the name on the board"? Public humiliation? Shaming her into paying more attention to the teacher talking? Maybe that teacher's class is sometimes boring. Some kids act up and start goofing off when they are bored. At least you daughter is just zoning out and amusing herself with her own thoughts.
And punishment of no recess? That teacher would have to have her head in the sand not to hear all the talk about lack of recess in schools CAUSING more problems in classrooms. And, for Pete's sake - it's PRESCHOOL - she needs to get a grip! (In my humble opinion.)

Have you ever noticed that "Supernanny" never tries to figure things out from the child's perspective? She never discusses age-appropriate expectations. Every show, every family is basically the same - the problem is always that parents need to more rigorously control thier children, and "maintaining order" is valued more highly than communicating, empathizing or truly teaching. The parents often treat the children disrepesctfully, but if child follows that model of communication (treating the parents the same way), there will be an immediate punishment.

Anyway... sorry if I got a little carried away. For what it's worth, I LIKE to see kids that have a little spunk in them. When I was a kid, I was painfully shy, always afraid of not pleasing the grown ups, I never questioned my teachers, and was (usually) very well behaved. And I was frequently MISERABLE because of it.

According to some books that I have read, you have to find what they are most interested in, and use it as leverage. Make sure that she knows how the program works ahead of time, and why her behavior is a problem. Then, set the rules. I would suggest giving her a point system. She gets three 'mishaps' per day. Anything over that, and you take away whatever you have agreed upon. You can use magnets across the top of the fridge, or anything visual, so that she will have a way to track her progress, or her points. Put three points on the board at the start of each day. Give her one warning when she is misbehaving, and if she breaks the rules, you take away a point, and so on. If she has an incident at school that day, that is one point. If she causes an incident at suppertime, that is another point. If she looses all of her points, she doesn't get to go to dance class that day (or whatever activity or object you decide on.) You have to find something that is very valuable to her, so that you get her attention and use it to get the desired behavior. When she makes it through the first part of the day with no incidents, let her know how well she is doing. Positive reinforcement goes a long way. I guess some people may find it silly, but I think it encourages children to communicate, and problem solve. I have found it to be successful, with my four year old daughter.

Quite frankly, I am disappointed in the responses you have received. What is missing from all of these answers and what you desperately need in your home is discipline. You lucked out and had a pretty compliant child for the first five years, but now you need a change. DISCIPLINE. It is not a bad word. It is not evil. You are not a bad person for laying out the rules and enforcing them the FIRST time. My daughter is 3 and to say that she is head strong and going through those "terrible threes" is an understatement. But you would never guess it from meeting her, because she has been taught the boundaries and there are no "second chances." Start taking away privileges and enforce the consequences of breaking the rules with consistency. Otherwise, they will walk all over you.

Let me give you an example. You say your daughter needs to listen better, so give her directions and tell her that if she ignores you she will not be allowed to <insert favorite pasttime here> or her <insert favorite toy here> will be taken away. If she doesn't "listen" to you, immediately follow up with your enforcement. Yes, this will elicit some whining and crying and you will probably feel some remorse because you aren't used to being in charge. However, you are the parent and you are there to teach her she must listen or suffer consequences. Keep the toy or the restriction until she demonstrates compliance the FIRST time with directions. You might end up with her entire bedroom stashed in your closet. Do not give in until your directions are cheerfully followed. My daughter also knows that bad behavior at school means she is not allowed to watch an afterschool movie, so her attitude has improved with teachers as well.

Bottom line: Lay down the rules. Make the consequences of breaking those rules serious (to the child) and enforce the consequences to a 'T'. You'll be glad you did.

I agree with Donna about the Love and Logic approach. I found some of their books at the library. They are wonderful!

Go straight to Barnes and Noble and get the book
1,2,3 Magic this system is awesome. We adopted 5 yr old identical twin girls and the therapist advised this book. You may not agree with everything, but over all ANYONE can adapt this technique. It basically puts the child in the charge of their own destiny...the do 3 things wrong in 30 minutes...then time out. You don't have to get angry...just say "that's one". Even my father (who suffice it to say did NOT believe in time outs) commented on the fact that by the time I either said that's two or held up 2 fingers they straightened up. The idea is for YOU to stay in control...the child knows where they stand and what happens if you get to 3 so you don't have to discuss or explain...you did that all ahead of time when you started the program. And just in case you think well they just had an easier time...we started from please and thank you and don't throw your trash on the floor...the foster home the girls were in was horrible...today they are 13 and we get compliments all the time about how well behaved they are...the first time they saw their old case worker (about a month after we got them) she could not believe they were the same kids. This was a life saver for me since I became a mom of twins with ONE week notice at 42. Please...go buy the book and use it...you will all be happier. One thing though...we did not do time outs in their rooms...it was more effective for my girls to be around the activities and not be able to participate so they did time out in the living or dining rooms.We also added other consequences like 3 time outs in the day meant going to be 30 min early, 4 meant 1 hour early and if they hit 5 they were gone to thier room for the rest of the day.

Please let me know how/if you resolve this issue-we are going through the exact same thing with our 5 year old son.
I bet your daughter is also a fast learning, independent and "everyone loves her" kind of girl-same here. I am hoping
that it is a phase. Have you heard, "I already know that!" come from her yet? I hope my son doesn't already have the "know it all" mentality of most teenagers...ugh!
C. R

Have you checked her hearing?
Sometimes it's as simple as the child not being able to interpet the noise around her.
I know that my son, with Unilateral loss, will tend to act out and not listen whenever the tv or radio volume is up or we are in a group environment.
In regards to reward systems, the marble method works beautifully. You must be consistant for this method. You get large jars, one for you and Dad and one for each child. Place the jars in a visible place. Purchase a lot of marbles. Decide the value of the marbles; I chose my method based on how often I had to get on to the kids during the day and the amount of chores expected. Each child earns a marble for being nice to each other, for doing chores, for getting schoolwork completed, extras are given if compliments come from strangers while we are out and for helping out around the house. I remove marbles from jars too, if my oldest is mean to my youngest a marble moves to the youngest childs jar and vice versa. If the kids are jointly at fault and I have had to intervene, I earn that marble. If I have to do their chore, I earn that marble. In our home each marble is worth money. They are cashed in on a bi-weekly basis.
Since implementing it has worked wonders.
Hope I've helped.
Shellbie

Hi P.,
I always LOVE this complaint. I am a veteran preschool teacher (20 years) and a mother of 4.
This is a common complaint and a frustrating one. It threatens your authority and can be dangerous for your child in a safety situation.
At the ripe old age of 5, however, the child is intelligent and can understand right from wrong, and consequences from poor decisions.
You and your husband should have a "sit down" talk with her and tell her what the subject matter is. You will need to lay it out for her and what will be involved IF she chooses NOT to comply with your wishes. Now, I am not talking about a month of punishment here, but believe me, 5 year olds have favorite things, programs, etc that they enjoy. Surely there is something that she would be upset about if it were taken away from an activity. Never send her to her room! 5 year olds LOVE their room. The kitchen table for 5-10 minutes is absolute hell for them. That seems like a lifetime! One more thing...I USE THIS WITH MY 22 YEAR OLD...make them repeat back what you have told them before they head on their merry way. 1) this is to check to see if she was listening 2) it also reaffirms that the decision to not comply falls her HER shoulder now. If she doesn't do what you say, then the consequence will occur. This is a wonderful life lesson that will carry her through adulthood.
My youngest, (22), often laughs now and says that we have had double the conversation as he has always repeated things back to me. I just smile and say, "I love you, Jeff!".
Good luck!

if the teacher is worth anything she will take what ever approach that she needs to, to get the point across. My daughter's teacher does this clapping thing to make sure they are all paying attention, she claps, the kids clap the same pattern back and then she has their attention. Keep up what you are doing at home. Get down on her level give her instructions and ask her what you told her to do just to make sure she was paying attention. In pre K they shouldnt be getting to many instructions really , Pre K is mostly learn through play.

Hi P.,

During her next well care visit to the doctor ask for a hearing test to be sure it is not physical. In the meantime try this. I have 4 kids my youngest is 6. Three of my 4 children have ADHD.

In school I helped purchase a treasure chest to be used as incentives in the classroom. This way when the students behaved well or completed assignments they were able to choose one item from the treasure chest. This worked great for my daughter as it created a little healthy competition for her. She did not want to be one of the kids who did not get to choose a treat from the box.

At home I offer choices when I see her being stubborn. For instance if she doesn't come to me when I call for her, I say, (if I am calling for her to get dressed) If you come and get dressed now we'll have time to read a story later or I offer something that involves time with me.

Pick your battles. Be careful not to extinguish her fire too much since her personality is being formed now.

Find her a playmate that you think is well behaved that might be a good influence.

Offer incentives like small tea parties with a friend or two. Invite yourself and have them dress up for it.

Find a few good children's books that teach about listening or good behavior like;

The Listening Walk by Paul Showers (Author)
My Five Senses by Aliki
Hearing (The Five Senses) by Maria Ruis
The Little Book of Good Manners By Christine Coirault
Obedience (What is it?) By Jane Bueger - available on Amazon.com for as little as 1 cent.

Here's a link that might be helpful although I don't think you'll need to go this far.
http://specialchildren.about.com/od/behaviorissues/tp/beh...

Good Luck! Keep us posted:)

P. Bennett
Mom of Wesley 14, Justin 12, Halle 8 and Kyra 6
Hampton, GA
www.workathomeunited.com/income

The love and logic way of parenting is so wonderful! I found it when my boys were 5 and 6. It's totally awesome and I wouldn't parent any other way. It really makes the kids own up to *their* problems.

www.loveandlogic.com

I tend to follow more an Alfie Kohn Perspective of Unconditional Parenting. http://www.alfiekohn.org/articles.htm#null She's only five. She wants to control her environment, who doesn't? I think she needs more choices than a structured school time environment can provide. Personally, I think 5 is too young for any sort of structured schooling. Try looking into the Montessori method and having her work with those techniques at home.

You're right, you can't expect the teacher to stay on top of her the whole day to make sure she is behaving properly. But what you can do is make her understand that you expect her to behave the same way at school, dance, friends house, etc just as she does at home if not better. And if she doesn't, then punishment is doubled. Consistancy is the key.

My now 8 year old was a discipline problem about that age. I used the old tried and true "1, 2, 3 Magic." If you are local I think there is a video of it at the Mt Pleasant library. You can probably get the book, too. It is absolutely fantastic and easy for most kids. At the time, this wasn't enough for my child who has special needs. I went on to use Barkely's "The Defiant Child." This got my son to do a 180. It is a lovely, positive based program. It was a lifesaver and I now have a child who listens. Granted he is still more challenging than many. We no longer use the Defiant Child program. We loosely use "1, 2, 3 Magic." All is good!! Good luck with your little one!