Do I Let My 7Yo Dtr Talk About Having a "Boyfriend"?

I have 3 girls, 17, 15, 2. Other children and adults always talk like this, I don't know why. But my older girls know that my rules are no dating until they are 16 years old. I still hear my 15 year old tell her friends that she is not allowed to have boyfriends until she is 16. Even though she has had boyfriends behind my back in the last couple of years, not before 13, so you have a little way to go. All kids are different because I had a problem with the younger O. at 13, but the older O. felt this pressure at 12 and did not give in to what others wanted her to do. I read a story about research that was done that kids that waiting until 16 were less likely to have sex, and I believe it. My older daughter has now been over 16 for a year and a half and has not had a boyfriend yet. When they are younger they try to copy what they see, then they mature and know that they don't have to copy others, hopefully. I would stand my ground and let her know that there is no requirement for her to feel pressured by others. It is ok to say "my M. does not allow me to have boyfriends", or "I am waiting til I'm old enough". My daughters also got encouragement from their youth group at church. Be strong.

I was apprehensive to allow my 7 grader have a boyfriend at such young age, but what we discovered was that as such age it could be a good experience about relationships and friendships. If you have an open communication and good balance conversational relationship with your daughter that should not be a problem, just be readily available for tenderhearted moments and the tragic ones like break-ups.
After my husband and I fussing between ourselves about this issue for weeks, we soon found that my daughter didn't have a boyfriend anymore!!!she told us that it was weird...all of the sudden they did not have anything to talk about vs. being with all their friends and having always things to talk about. This young man turned out to be a real good catch and my daughter and him are very good friends. To make a story short my kid remembers that and for now (she's a senior this year) enjoys her many friends and loves getting to know them in a friendship casual setting. Keep the good advise coming to her ears and is very likely that she'll protect her heart against baseless relationships.
I know you daughter is only 7 yrs. old so you have plenty of time to talk about this and give her wise advise and guidance, start by keeping her away from tv and stupid shows that make relationships look so worldly, fisical and superficial.

I think I'm in the minority here, but I don't see the big deal. It's just a title at that age. I remember having boyfriends when I was that age, and really all it was was saying "Tim is my boyfriend", etc. We might pass little notes to each other, but they were very harmless.

Anything my kids have to deal with like this I tell them I will be the bad guy for them.

Say, "I am not allowed to have a boyfriend because I am too young." Then ask about something else like are you going to soccer practice today.

It usually ends the conversation. Some people are just too nosy and mindless to realize that is totally an inappropriate discussion for a 7 yr old.

ts

Dear M. O:
It is odd for another parent to ask a 7-year-old about a "boyfriend". Even if she is playing with a boy, the word "friend" would do just as fine.

I would offer your daughter two ways to reply: a polite way ("I am too young for a boyfriend, but this is my friend xyz" or just say his name regardless of the friend title) and a shut-em-up way, if your daughter can handle it: "He is not my boyfriend, I am a lesbian." If the other parent then says something about being too young for that, she can still retort that she is too young for a boyfriend as a straight girl, too.

I would reserve the second approach for annoying and nosy people only who imply the true boyfriend meaning in their questions, most others will likely say "boyfriend" without much thought. When the parents run to you to complain about your cocky girl, you can tell them that they started it and ask them to rethink their usage of that word where inappropriate.

Peer pressure is what you let others make out of it. I have never heard about it until I came to the US at age 27. Kudos for raising your daughter to stand up.

Regards,
W.

Hi there.

I completely understand and agree with you. I have a 6 year old little boy. When someone asks him that I've taught him to say "oh that's so silly - I'm way too young for that"! It works like a charm...

My daughter is older (5th grade) but I also told her she is not allowed to have a boyfriend. If somebody asks her who her boyfriend is, she answers, "My M. wont let me have a boyfriend". There has been a boy in class that she talks about and I know she has a crush on. We can't stop that now can we...the important thing is that she feels comfortable talking with me about this boy, even though she knows she can't be his girlfriend. Shaming young girls about thier natural feelings may set a precedent which might make them feel alienated as they get older. We want our girls to talk to us about important things like this and know that we wont 'go off' on them when they come to us about something important. In the world today, where many females are portrayed in the media as gaining power based on thier external assets rather than thier ability to make a meaningful contribution to society, I think this it is very important to begin to instill the confidence in them that is necessary for them to make that contribution. I commend you for also, making that contribution and hopefully there will be more of us as our girls get older. Who knows, maybe women will rule the world O. day...now there's a thought! (i know i know, we already do)

Dear M. O,
I have a two girls, age 10 and 11 1/2. They were and still are asked the question "who is YOUR boyfriend?" or do they have O.. There came a point in my oldest daughter's life were she would tear up if someone pushed the issue with her. I have told both my girls that it's okay NOT to want to have a boyfriend. When they were asked the boyfriend question they would simply say "I don't have O., because I don't WANT O.". It is silly to think of a 5-12 year old with a boyfriend, and although I think it is harmless for them to be "going out" and "breaking up" your daughter also needs to know that she does not HAVE to have a boyfriend. As she gets older, more of her friends will have O., so she will feel more and more pressure to "find" O., just be sure to let her know that she needs to stand strong in what SHE wants, and that it's okay for her to hold her ground with adults when it comes to this issue. As she gets older she can simply say "I just don't have the time for O., I am busy with other things" this is usually what my 11 year old will state. If an adult really pushes the issue, I think it is fine for you to step in right then and tell them to back off, that way your daughter will know you support her choice. This will usually shut the other person up.
Good-luck, and let us know how it goes!

Well, I have a 7 yr. old daughter too.. and I can definately understand you. I would think it is way too misleading to ask that question to a 7yr old.
A few months ago.. I heard my daughter talk about "boyfriends" and that her friend had a boyfriend, etc. And well, I told her she was just way too young to be talking about boyfriends. And I told her that they can just enjoy being kids, because having boyfriends are for older people.
But then, O. day she comes home with a note that says "I love Jay" and then I ask her who is this?... and she replies.. oh I broke up with him already! oh my.. I was almost chocking! Because she said it like if it wasn't a big deal.. it was actually hilarious because she said it as it this was a problem solved!.. but nevertheless I was worried.

It is a concern, and I was mortified of how this reply was something I didn't understand.. Kids react as if this was ok.. and so they follow along.. and well, that might have been what my daughter was doing.. although she is, in fact, very opinonated, and stands her ground quite well.
Sometimes no matter how much you can try to help them, they will always make the choices they feel are natural.. and well it seems to be something that kids are use to hearing... unfortunately, this is a result of adult thinking this is funny, and following along, and in the sense accepting that it is something natural at their age..
I was shocked.. Imagine. I had a talk with her, and told her that she cannot respond to me like that as if she was allowed a boyfriend at that age... and well she laughed cecause she found it all funny.. she said it was a joke.. etc. But still, I was very worried.
Personally, I would have had a talk with this M. that joked around with your daughter.. because it is why kids that age think this is funny.. because certain adults think this is funny. I mean O. thing is to hear it, and say yeah, that's funny later on.. but to act as if they are allowed to have boyfriends.. is not right.
That day when my daughter told me this, I was shocked.. I was worried.. right now I might find it a little bit funny.. but I was truly worried.. my husband almost had a heart attack.. because in his eyes, his daughter should be a nun.. no seriously, he thinks she shouldn't have boyfriends at all!
You know what I mean..
I mean, with our kids.. we can tell them anything, and just help them understand why certain people might think this is funny.. but it's not. And asking a child that question is out of line...
My daughter would respond with, "what do you mean, am I suppose to have a boyfriend?" she will question their questions.. her responses to questions that she does not quite get a reason for.. when are asked without thought, sometimes leave you speechless as if you know you asked the wrong question.
She tells me all the silly things her friends do, and well, she laughs about them.. but she tells me that she told the girls that "boys are trouble.." and well, you can imagine my look.. where does she get this from!.. and then I thought.. oh her dad!~
Kids are truly funny at that age, but just because they say funny things.. doesn't mean that we have to let go of what it might lead to.. so, we do have to ask them to pay attention to what people's intentions are when asking them a question..

Good luck with your daughter..

C.