Dating with Kid(s)

I can't tell you how many times I've heard or read that when you are dating when you have kids, you should avoid introducing the men to your child unless you know the relationship is going to be serious. It is very hard on children to have people come in and out of their lives when relationships end on top of the parents being divorced. They need stability, and they need to know that the people they care about are going to be around. So when you're in that stage of just getting together for fun, do not involve your son. Since you said you don't have him every day, make your dates for days when you are not scheduled to have your son. Also, while I understand the loneliness, I would suggest for your sake and your son's that you seriously consider avoiding even casual dating until a few more months have gone by. Remember, relationships are complicated enough, but when you have a child, they are stuck with whoever you bring into their lives. You want to make sure that you don't rebound too badly, which is avoided by giving some space between the end of your marriage and the beginning of the new phase of dating, and you also want to make sure that the men you are dating, even casually, are people who will be good role models for your son, in case they ever are introduced. Good luck.

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Just my suggestion, but are there other activities that you can engage yourself in to get yourself out of the chuck e cheese, park, work mode? Perhaps book clubs, crafting, church? I listen to Dr. Laura a lot, and she suggests your first issue is to address the needs of your son, and he's only little for so long. Is he in pre-school? Do you have friends with little ones?

You say that you have been asked out...so can you go out when your ex-husband has your son. I've never been in your situation, so I cannot speak from experience. I do wish
you and your son and situation well, and I applaud you in wanting to protect your son at all costs. Great mom!

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M.,
I would not date anyone until your divorce is final. I have had friends who have had major problems in their divorce when they complicated the issue by dating before the divorce was final. It can get used against you in a custody battle if you date before the divorce is final. Talk to your divorce attorney about it and get your attorney's advice before you start dating.

In the meantime, start by getting involved in something where you will meet other people--singles group at a church, political campaign, volunteering for a charity event, working out at a gym. Somewhere along the way you will meet someone who you are interested in dating. When your divorce is final start dating.

I would also encourage you not to let anyone you are dating meet your child until you find the person you want to spend your life with. It is tough on children to get attached to a new man in your life and then have them no longer around. Many children feel rejected when that happens.
S.

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HI there! I'm a single mom of a beautiful 5yo and I know how you feel. I don't have the experience of sharing custody, but I have had to make time to have a life for myself. If it's not possible to schedule "mom time" when your son is with his father, it's still okay to have a sitter. It was very hard for me to get to that point. I felt like being at work all day meant I should spend every waking moment with my daughter. I found that it doesn't make me a horrible parent to take time away. Your son may enjoy playing with a sitter! As for introductions, I didn't introduce her to anyone as anything more than mommy's friend. Once I met someone that I really cared about, I called him my special friend. I'm not an expert on dating with children by any means, but I do believe that I have been happier since I allowed time for myself. That social experience you're looking for is important. My daughter and I still spend quality time together and do special things. Try to remember that lots of things will make you feel guilty through the years, but knowing your child feels loved and cared for will make the changes feel right.
Good luck and God bless!

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I am in the same situation as you, and have been doing the 50/50 split for several years now. I find it the best of both worlds because you have some freedom back to do things just for YOU, and then have your quality one-on-one time with your child. I try to catch up on laundry, grocery shopping, going to the gym, etc. when I don't have my daughter, so that when I am with her, I can give her my undivided attention and don't have to multi-task as much. As far as dating, I agree with only scheduling that when I don't have my daughter. I don't like to get babysitters on the few nights a week I have her. I am dating someone who lives a couple hours away, and it works fine, usually just visiting on wknds I don't have my daughter. But this does make life very segmented, not much overlaps, for now. I guess the secret is to enjoy each phase of life while you're in it. Let me know how things work out.!

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Hi M.,

Please ignore any critical and judgmental comments you may get and continue to concentrate on balancing your own needs with your son's. It is very difficult to be a single mom, but you certainly aren't alone. I'm not sure I'm understanding the problem, though........if you have a 50/50 custody split, can you date during the weeks in which you son is with his father? I should think that would be a good solution until you develop a serious, ongoing relationship with someone who you are sure you want to introduce into your son's life.

imho, any man who is not understanding of your scheduling needs (and of putting your son's needs first) is probably not someone you'd be interested in pursuing a relationship with, and if you're just dating for companionship (which I highly recommend at this early point in your divorce - it's so easy to jump in too quickly when we're lonely), it shouldn't matter if it's a once every other week date.

I met my guy on a single parent's dating site. :-) And I know there is a Parents Without Partner's group in Charlotte - I'm sure you can find it online.

Good luck, and congrats on not totally ignoring your own needs, despite what many may tell you. ;-)

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If you find someone that you really like and who really likes you they will understand the slowness of the dating scene with a child involved and they won't pressure you. If they don't want it that way... then let them go. You don't want those kind anyway. If he is worth it then he will wait till your x has your son.
I think that you are doing the right thing by not bringing in all sorts of different men around him. That will only make him confused and insecure I think at this time.
Enjoy your time when he is away and when you have him, enjoy your time with him.
Also have you tried match.com? I met my husband there. After my divorce I was lonely and going to school and raising kids and never went anywhere to meet men.... never had the time. So I had a friend who subscribed to www.match.com with alot of luck. She showed me how to do that and I wrote to several people but eventually picked the one that I enjoyed reading his letters. Soon it was that I was rushing home to see if he wrote to me and it was the same for him. Finally we met at O'Charleys and he was cute and sweet and really seemed wonderful. We have been together every day since. We dated for a yr then married. I have now been with him for 5 yrs and it is still like we just met. We were both a little older. He didn't have children and I did. We now have the most precious little girl together. We still rush home from work to see each other and still call each other several times a day during work. It still feels brand new. Maybe you should try something like that then you can plan to meet in a public place when your son is with his dad.
good luck.

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If you split custody 50/50, where is the major time issue? If you've been asked out, why didn't you offer a workable alternative if you weren't available? You only need 1-2 outings a week in the beginning to enjoy someone's company, maybe some phone time. You should have good opportunity to go out if you only have custody 50%, this is a great opportunity to have that part of your life back. Join things, go to a church (or other spiritual org of your choice) get out there and meet people. I know the internet is big these days, so try it out (I'm not big on this, but hard to fight this day and age). I would just organize it to where you CAN do it. I always thought if anything happened to my husband and I, at least I would have time to have dates and a life with a custody split. Make the most of your 'off' days and enjoy your son when he's with you! I personally think he's too little to introduce to guys yet, I would make sure you were very serious about someone before involving him. Good luck...

Date when you don't have your son. If you get asked out for a time that doesn't work, explain why and ask the guy for a rain check for a time that does work. If he's worth going out with, he'll understand and fit into your schedule.

I have always said that if I ever found myself in that situation, I would only date when he/she is at their father's house or at their grandparents house. I would not introduce him to anyone until you are sure that he is a keeper. Not necessarily marriage but at least worth dating for awhile. Try to find a friend who would watch him for a couple hours for happy hour drinks, try and meet him for lunch (it is safer anyway, not just safe, but easier to get to know someone and not feel obligated to hang for long), try to go when he is at his dad's, try to get grandma to watch him and spend time with him, etc Maybe one of your girlfriends would be willing to watch him, take him to dinner one night while you only go out for drinks or for a quick dinner. If it is going to work w/ anyone else anyway, they have to be willing to work around your family situation. Have fun!!!

W.

Hmm this is a tricky one, be honest with them and if is still interested arrange to meet at the cinema - get there 1st have maybe prearranged where your sitting and have him ask if the seat next to you is free, innocent enough and you get to watch the film in his company with your son as well see how that works or he can watch something else and maybe keep your son occupied while he's waiting with just silly stuff like you'd do maybe in the queue for getting tickets, an ice break situation..
Then hey what ya know you bump into him "accidentally" in town your busy talking to your son an don't see him, of course he's the gentleman and apologizes and goes wasn't it you I was sitting next to in the cinema the other week and then say you were just on the way to lunch, and he says to you as a way of "saying sorry" why don't I get you lunch and see how the kid reacts to that slowly introducing him.
Above all he needs him stability as has already been said.
You never know the kid might take an instant like to him which of course would be a big bonus.
You could always try and arrange some extra father son time which might work as well, it all depends on how amicable your ex-husband is.

Oh girl do I understand. You have the right idea. Make dates for the days and evenings your son is with your ex. When you can't make a date, then make plans with friends, even if it is to just hang out at their house for the evening. Also invite friends over to your house for dinner and a movie. Also take advantage of community events. Now is the time to make new frineds and increase your cirlce of aquantances.
There will be time enough in the future to include your son in on the appropriate frinedships.

I think if you are going to start dating, you need to do it without your son. You don't want him getting attached to someone that will be out of his life too quickly. So maybe you can date when he is with your husband.