How Do I Do This?

Do not incorporate him into your life with your kids. They don't need another friend! Keep him to yourself and enjoy the time you two spend together seperate from your kids. Keep your kid's time your kid's time and your dating to just you two. Give it time. Take it slow.

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Especially since you have such young children, you should finalize your divorce before you incorporate him into your life. Even though you may know that it's done, you and your children need the closure that comes with KNOWING that it's over and whatever conversation that follows among all involved (you, your children, their father). You owe it to yourself and your children to have your spirit completely detached from the marriage before bringing another spiritual connection into it. You might not feel a connection to him (husband), but there is one. I am not negatively judging you or your situation at all and do not think that you're "bad" for doing what you're doing. It's just never a good idea to overlap, and it's worse when the children involved are so young, too young to make heads or tails of it.

Why have you allowed your "husband" to dictate the terms of your separation ("did not want to divorce")? Why he doesn't want it isn't your problem (unless you are unclear about your potential response should he decide to come back), but why you go along with it is something that you should consider. Are you open to getting back together?

It just seems like you haven't cleared up your deal with this husband, and you're complicating life for yourself and your children, not to mention this other guy. He's an adult, but you're involving him in your process, in your complicated life. Things will probably be clearer when you decide to keep things as simple as possible. Moving forward is healthy, but it's not moving forward if you're dragging the past around with you.

I hope that my rambling has been helpful. Take good care.

PS. We lost my father several years ago, and my mother recently married. He's a great guy...but she's still my mother. Enjoy your life, and get what you need; but keep in mind that if you desire a positive response from others involved, you have to act with consideration for them.

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My parents were divorced when I was young. My biggest fear was that they would remarry other people and the whole mess would start over again.

My father dated LOTS of women, girls.. and remarried within 2 years.. It was terrible.. His wife was jealous of us and my father kept trying to get us to live with them since they were a "real" family. My sister and I did not want to go to their wedding and my father was really hurt and told us.. That made us feel terrible, but we just could not handle it.

My mother dated and went out with different men. She was very careful about who she introduced us to. Of course the super nice ones we really became attached to and then they would break up. There were some guys she dated for a few years and then they would break up.. It was harder for my sister, she was also 5 years younger than me.. She would be so upset she felt like they had left her too.

As I got older, into my teens, I began to realize my mother needed her friends, just because they were very fond of each other, it was really their relationship not ours.

My sister is now in this situation. She is divorced with shared custody of their children and she has been very slow to introduce the men into their lives. Of course her ex husband started dating a woman right away and even had her move into the house within months.. The kids were pretty freaked out.. It was their house and this woman they really did not know, was now there all of the time. The ex then married the woman in less than a year of the divorce. It has been difficult for everyone except the ex, who thinks people have made too much of a big deal out of it..

Everybody is in counseling. Individually and in groups. Each time a big announcement has been made to the kids (marriage, moving, "surprise vacations" and now planning on a baby) it has really affected the kids at school and at home.

My sister is pretty serious about the guy she is dating now, but she entertains him and plans most of their dates on the weeks that the kids are with their father. She has never had a man stay over when the kids are with her. She remembers how upsetting that was to us when we were young.

The kids like this man, they have told me they are hoping to get to know this guy a little more this summer. I think taking it slow has worked better than the way the dad handled his situation. The kids do not seem upset, but rather happy that their mother is happy.

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My suggestion would be start off with any thing that is fun and neutral or semi neutral territory - - park, zoo, picnic, swimming pool, etc. . . let your kids guide on how much more of "Mom's friend" they want in their life . . . at least for now.

As for the "you are doing everything wrong" I am sure those people in your life have ALWAYS done everything PERFECTLY. . . you have to do what works for you and your kids, trust your heart and your instincts.

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First off, don't worry about what others say. People tend to have strong opinions on things that they know nothing about. Unless they are currently in your situation (and no one can be in exactly the same situation) then they are not able to give unsolicited advise.
Now that I have that out of the way, I think that it is commendable that you have found someone who wants to be a part of your kids lives. as young as your kids are it shouldn't take them long to adjust to their being another man in mommy's life right now. I would start of slowly on neutral ground, maybe a picnic and an afternoon at the park to let them all get a feel for each other. You also need to find out where your son stands on you dating. If he is still thinking that mommy and daddy are going to get back together, you need to address that situation completely separate of introducing your new beau or he may put the two together and think that the new beau is the reason that you will never be a whole family again.
I am inferring that you and your ex are amicable and that he takes a large role in your kids lives. If things go well with the first meetings then maybe your new beau can schedule a "date" with just your son. (At two your daughter will be accepting of this situation no matter what).
Whatever you decide to do, it will be the right decision for you and your kids and I wish you much happiness.

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I was a single mom for many years and dating for sure wasn't easy all the time. First things first, you and your husband need to decide if yall are going to try to get back together or if things are over. No more in between. It's not fair to either of you and especially not to your kids. If you decide it's over then you need to get a divorce and yall need to sit down and discuss it with your kids so they understand that they aren't losing either of you and that things aren't going to change much especially since yall are already living apart. This new guy should not be brought into the picture until after all of the above has been done. Know where your relationship is going with the new guy as well before you introduce him. There isn't any real time limit to wait. My husband met my son about a month after we started dating. At the time we hadn't discussed marriage or anything along those lines but it did feel like a good time to introduce them. I had dated a guy a couple of years before that also met my son and I think kids know when it's not the right guy. My son never really cared for him (wasn't rude but never really had a bond). With my husband they were sitting watching cartoons together almost the next day. You'll know when it's right. When you do decide to introduce them you do have to explain to your kids that the new guy is not there to replace their father. Good Luck and I'll be praying for you.

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You have not missed the rule book on raising kids. It is often that people are quick and easily able to judge when they are sitting on the outside.

It sounds like you two have made the decision for the next step. It is important to make sure the kids are ready for this. I would make sure he is more involved and do so gradually... a once a week or every other weekend kind of thing. Since your child is in counseling perhaps you should talk to his counselor therapist about the best approach. These steps should give you a better feel if it is for the best or not - pay attention to your children's feelings and reactions. I wish you the best & God speed!

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I believe that you have gotten some very good advice:

1. Take it slow
2. file for divorce, complete that relationship before starting a new one, etc.
3. only when things look like they are going to be more serious/permanent then introduce your kids

Here is what I would add:
1. Find some supportive people - it seems from your post that you have people telling you how wrong and bad you are about EVERYTHING. I don't know if these people are family or friends, but they aren't being very good friends if they are not being supportive and encouraging! Friendship doesn't mean giving someone a blank check, but it does mean helping someone through rough times and telling the truth IN LOVE, it seems the folks in your life are missing the "IN LOVE" part about the these they disagree with you on.

2. Finish the marriage before introducing this guy to your kids... I know that it is a juggle to arrange social stuff with your date and raise kids but you had these kids FIRST and your first job is to be their mother. The kids have been through enough and don't need more input and confusing situations.

Good luck to you. Let us know what you decide.
blessings,
stacy

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How awful of anyone to tell you that you are doing things all wrong. With what you have explained, it sounds to me like you are a great mom and doing things carefully. Only you know your kids and everything they have been through. I think its great that you have been in and also have your son in therapy, that is a very important factor. That in itself proves that you care about healing yourself and your children. Yes, I agree that you should take things slowly with introducing this man more into your lives and your childrens, but alot of times our kids can handle more than we give them credit for. You could first talk to him about it and let him know that you are thinking about dating someone and see how he feels about it. Then, just take it from there. Maybe invite your friend over for dinner, without alot of physical contact with you.. let him build a friendship with your son. If your son is friends with him first, it will be easier for your son to accept him as YOUR friend.
Don't be so hard on yourself. You are doing a great job!! Hang in there girlie!! =)
May God Bless!

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First of all do NOT doubt your parenting skills because you "Missed the Rule book on raising kids". You are a mother and your instincts are the right ones. I know that being a single mom and dating can be a challenge since I was there about 3 years ago. I woldn't let him get close to your children until you are sure that this is going to turn in to something long term, you don't want them them get attached to having him in their lives only to have to explain to them later why he isn't. Makes things less complicated. I would try and schedule dates and time hanging out with my date when my ex had my son at least for the first few months until I knew for sure. Then we started incorporating him by taking him to the park and to eat with us. Another thing that worked for us was that we explained everything to him and kept him in the loop so to speak. I still took my time to hang out with my son without him so that my son knew that he was still my first and upmost important priorty. Don't worry so much about how to incorporate them into your lives just let it happen naturally and if it doesn't then he probably wasn't right for your family. But I hope that it does. :) Good luck and congrats about finding a great guy they are so few and far between!

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I would not introduce him untill you have been dating about a year, and only if you were going to marry him. But that is just my personal thinking. Do what is best for the kids in this situation. Best of luck.

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From reading your post, it sounds as if you are still married but then you list yourself as single. Also, it seems the father or your children does not want a divorce.

Be the best mom. Consider your children. Quit "dating". Get counseling along with the father of your children. Re=establish your marriage built on the right foundation, make a loving, supportive home for your children and do not complicate your life any further.

I know this is abrupt but the future of your family is important. I know other moms are going to give you plenty of good advice. Listen to them.

B. K.

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My parents divorced when I was 7. That was a VERY confusing time for me. You say that you and your husband are split? I am taking that to mean the divorce is not final. First off, either commit to the marriage you are still in or really end it. If your husband is still in this thinking it has a chance of working out, it will just make things harder on your kids in the long run. I would definitely not introduce this other man to your kids yet, that could just cause ALOT more confusion to them about the whole process. I am not saying that he has, but if your husband is still holding out hope that your marriage works; he might be letting the kids know that too (like saying things about when he comes home, etc). If you bring in another man without having a definite break that ALL parties involved are aware of (meaning papers signed and kids informed as to what is going on), it could open a whole different can of worms. Not only for you, your kids, and your ex; but for this other man to. He has a chance of being put under a microscope and coming in too soon would only magnify that. So I say just take things slow, really slow.

Good luck and God bless!

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T.,

No matter how over your ex you are, and no matter how much you feel divorced from him, please remeber that in the eyes of the law you are very much married. That means dating a new man makes you (in the eyes of the law) and adultress. This bodes badly for your future. And if he decides to fight you for custody, your reputation will be dragged through the mud.

It won't please a judge that you are bringing this man around your children. It is my opinion that you are hurting your future if you introduce this guy to your kids before the divorce is final. In fact, it doesn't look good if you're bringing yourself around him before the divorce is final. File yourself.

Good luck.

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I'm a stepmom. My advice is this: Go slow, slow, slow, tortoise-slow. And NEVER criticize the kids' dad to them or allow your boyfriend to do it either, even indirectly. They don't miss a trick, believe me, and neither of you will easily recover from it if you do.

My only other thought is to prepared for this to be very hard. Even when it goes well, it's nothing like the standard fantasy of the reconstituted family.

That said, if you give it years, consistency and commitment - and always put the kids first - you've got a shot.

Good luck.

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Since you ask, been there ...done that, learned a few lessons. The children do need time, there is confusion, hurt and hope..I would recommend family counseling..you and the kiddos. As a single mom, you may be limited on finances, but there are sliding scale counseling programs out there.

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Hi T.,

Ooops, sorry, read your "update" and thought it was someone else's advice. Sounds like you are doing all the right things...never been in your shoes, so I have NO advice, but it sounds like you are going down the right path. Good Luck!

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Hi T.,
Who says you are not or cannot be good mom- phooy.......but, if you are going to spend time with another man, and if this person wants to be a permanent part of your life then you must try to divorce your ex- he will still be and will always be a part of your childrens lifes and rightly so- but you are entitled to a life of your own and to make a life for your children.
You can date- but if you choose to date- try and keep the dating game away from your children as much as possible. I would not let them see me with different men too often- however, if this man wants to be a part of yourlife and truly loves your children and you an see it could be a permenent thing , then I would say it would be ok- just be carefuly not to hurt your children emotionaly.....set up a scheudle for Daddy to be witht he kids and the other times belong to you and your new live with your children. A regular schedule with Daddy will give the children stability and contininuity and help them adjust easier. If there is no way you and your ex will be together- then I suggest you make it a permanent arrangement and go onwith your life.
blessings

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Just sit them down & explain things outright & truthfully. Don't try to sugarcoat it or fib about anything. If it were me, I'd probably try to say something like: "Kids, you know that 'daddy' & I are not together right now because we're just not getting along or see things in the same way but I really miss having a man in our lives. I've started dating someone that's really important to me that I get along with. We have things in common (you may want to list some things) & he'd really like to be a part of your lives too. I know things will be weird for a while but I wanted to be upfront w/you & you hear it from me first. You may hear not nice things from other people but what's important is that we're all happy." & just go on from there to say that if they still want their 'dad' in thier lives, you understand but just know that there will be another man in their lives too, one that is nice & treats y'all very well/nice. Also ask them what they think/feel about it & address it. Don't forget, their thoughts & feelings on this are important too! Good luck!!

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You're separated on a trial basis and dating someone? If you weren't committed to saving your marriage, you should have just filed for divorce.

You should wait until the divorce is over and then wait another several months before you introduce your boyfriend to your children.

If you introduce your boyfriend now, EVERYONE (kids & your husband) will feel like you've been cheating. It won't matter that you were already separated if you introduce your boyfriend before your divorce is over.

Good luck!

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You don't incorporate him into your life with the kids. Try to see life from your childrens' perspective. Wish you the best.

I would definitely wait until the divorce is fianl and then give the kids time to process it. I don't think they need to meet any of your friends unless you are truly serious about the guy... marriage. It can be very confusing to have mom with different men and dad with other women. I would focus on your children and when its your time to play have a great time without the worries of adding children and an ex to the mix.

Hi T.
Your post said that others think you're doing everything wrong and that you apparently don't have a clue on how to be a mom and date......girlllll you are being too hard on yourself.
It sounds like you & your kids have been through alot, my goodness give yourself some credit. You got yourself & them out of that situation didn't you? That alone was an act of courage.
As for the friend, ya know what? We all deserve to be happy. Trust your instincts.
You sound like a great mom, keep putting your children first, keep doing what you're doing, you'll know when the time is right for someone else to come in.
Good luck~

As a child who's parents divorced in 5th grade... please do something like these classes for the sake of your kids. you may not think that you need them, but you do so that you can be a better parent to your children and keep them from being in the middle of you and your ex.

I would definitely attend the Divorce Care classes (offered for sure at Gateway church and Hill Country Bible Church). This will help you heal from emotional issues you are/will be going through and the kids program will help your kids understand better what's happening and how to deal with that.These 13 week programs run simultaneously, and are designed for parents and their children (ages 6-12) who are divorced or in the process of divorce. You are welcome to join while a program is in process or register for a future program. http://www.divorcecare.org/Help your children heal from the pain of divorce. DivorceCare for Kids (DC4K) provides a safe, fun place where your children will learn to understand their feelings, express their emotions appropriately and be introduced to biblical concepts that will bring comfort. To visit the DivorceCare for Kids website, please visit www.dc4k.org.

I'm not sure from you post if you are just seperated or actually divoriced. I do have to tell you that that Biblically if you are married, you are not to be having relationship with anyone other than your husband (whether emotional or physical). They will tell you this if you are attending the Divorce Care classes.

If you decide to remarry in the future, I would also suggest you take a class on Blended Families. Most churches offer something like this to help everyone adjust to the changes and deal with struggles such as joint custody, parenting etc.

Let me know if you need more info or have questions.

T. you have received some very good advice. Divorce is hard and ugly most of the time. Now matter how smooth we want it to be, it is not! One thing I have learned is that we will continue to bring the same drama and issues into every relationship we have until we learn how to be better. All of our relationships are lessons on how to be better people and better parents. If the last relationship dissolved than look at what happened and see how YOU affected it. If it was all one-sided, he is jealous, he was over bearing, he was controlling. There are still issues that you need to look at yourself for attracting that kind of person. Because it will happen again. The same type of man will come into your life again, until you change, the cycle will continue.
You asking for advice is proof you care about your kids. Just take the time to sit back and really look at yourself and see how you can make improvements in your life before getting into another relationship. Make sure your kids know how important they are to you. They are only little once. Putting our lives on hold, even for a year or two, is worth it.
One more thing, pray about it. No matter what advice you receive here, GOD is the only one that you will really give you the answer you need.
Take care!! Good luck and God Bless!

The funny thing, there are no rules. I agree that you're children should come first and sometimes it's hard to juggle it all. However, millions of single moms have had successful second marriages/relationships with children from previous spouces/partners and the kids are as normal as kids can be. There are a lot of books on the subject. I would suggest taking an afternoon and browse a local book store or your local library. Although my life has similarities (single mom w/two young kids and a great boyfriend), my ex-husband is deceased and that changes the rules completely! Good luck!

Well it sounds like you've met a wonderful guy. My ex and I split while i was still pregnant with our second and my first was only 18 months old. After I left I was quite content being single. I think ultimately its up to you who you bring around your children and what type of example you are being to them in doing so. Try not to worry so much about people telling you you're doing the wrong thing. Being a single parent is hard, frustrating, painful, agonizing, and maddening. However you and I both know it's also the most rewarding and joyful thing ever. Personally I am happy for you and your match. It sounds like the relationship is still fairly new, I'd maybe wait a little longer to bring him around the children or kind of ease him into the situation, I think they'll be fine and maybe get used to the idea of him being around.

Move on and have fun! I dated without my children ever seeing him. Once things got serious, we met at the park. We sat and talked while the kids played. Afterward, I told the kids that he would be meeting us at Burger King to grab something to eat. I let my kids see me happy with a smile on my face. After Burger King, we went home. I asked my kids what they thought of him, and they told me. "He made you smile. We like him." My kids were 6 and 4 at the time. Your children will see you are happy, and they will be happy. Just introduce him slowly, and in public. Once the kids are comfortable with him, invite him over for dinner and a movie (kids movie). Let the kids see what they think about him. Let him know that he doesn't need to over do it with your kids. Don't be "pushy". If and when the kids want to talk to him, they will. If he comes on too strong they may withdrawal from him.
I hope this helps.

There seems to be no greater past time in this country then telling moms they are doing everything wrong. Everyone has an axe to grind with regards to how other people raise their kids. Some people tell me I'm a great mom; other people tell me about everything I'm doing wrong. While I obviously can't judge you or an particular thing you are doing, if you keep your eyes open, and are thoughful about your parenting, that is more than most people do. Everyone makes mistakes. Bad parents make obvious mistakes. Good parents make more subtle mistakes.

Maybe your guy will turn out to be a good mate for you, at which point he will have to give up the "friend" role and take on the "daddy" role. Good luck. Take other people's criticism with more than a grain of salt.