Dating for 6 Years, but No Proposal?

1) I would NOT talk with the boyfriend.

2) If I was going to talk with anyone, it would be my cousin - and even then only if she ASKED for my advice.

That advice would be that a) it is very foolish to buy a home with a person to whom you are not married (JMO); and b) after six years I would not invest one more second of my life with that person until he got very clarified on exactly what he wants out of life.

Again, I would only say that if asked - otherwise it is none of my business.

Good luck.

It took my husband 12 years to propose. I think it's a very individual decision for her to make about staying or leaving. I would not have bought a house with him unless she's protecting herself in the case of a split.

This is her life and between the two of them to work out. You can be a supportive person for her, but I wouldn't get in the middle of it. They'll work it out.

There is nothing you can say or do, probably. She shouldn't have bought a house and moved in with him. I think he will never propose because he is getting what he wants - walking all over her, and she is letting him. She should have broken up with him years ago if she wanted someone to marry. He is just stringing her along.

And I don't think she should propose. If he wanted to marry her, he would have proposed years and years and years ago.

She may not actually want your advice.
If my niece asked for my advice on that particular situation, I would tell her to:
1. Sell the house immediately
2. Kick him to the curb.
3. Don't expect anything to be different if it hasn't moved forward in 6 years.
4. Do not "give him an ultimatum" -- just leave him -- he's had enough time. (Hopefully, they do not have children together.)
5. Go find a man that appreciates her, wants her forever and loves her enough to put a ring on her finger, THEN buy a home.

OH and to your question #2---NO WAY should YOU talk to him!!!

Why can't she propose? Or, has she flat out asked him? If not, she should. No, you should not say anything to him - it isn't your relationship.

I think Julie hit the nail on the head: the status of the couple's relationship is their business, and they'll need to work it out.

Absolutely do not talk to her boyfriend, or they will both likely be very upset with you. This is something you will have to be stoic about, because I see you obviously care about your cousin's feelings, but getting involved beyond listening and empathy is to run the risk of alienating them both.

What might be a safer suggestion: if your cousin is upset enough about this to want some peace, she might go to see a counselor. I'm a person who has been both married and also in a long-term commited relationship for years with a person before marrying them. Both situations worked for me for what I needed; when it stopped working, those situations changed --one declined, one improved, so you never can know. Doing the work to figure out why we are in the situation we are in can be helpful; sometimes we decide that we're okay where we are, and sometimes we make other choices.

We can love someone to pieces, but we have to love our own selves first. Ultimately, your cousin must decide how she wants to live--and doing this can sometimes look like a long process (Don't expect her to make any lasting decisions overnight, if she does decide to address it.) In my opinion, there's nothing *wrong* with either situation if it works for her values and is meeting her needs. If not, change is good.

H.

Why would he propose? He's getting what he wants without the "ring".

I would NOT talk to him. As for your cousin - just be there for her. If she isn't able to bring this up with the man she has been with for 6 years and purchased a home with - then maybe they aren't ready for marriage.

Just my .02

Tell her to read Steve Harvey's book, "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man". He may be a comedian and he may be silly sometimes but he had some very sage advise for women. On this topic, he said that men will continue to do what they've always done unless we set some standards. He says in a situation like this the main reason a man doesn't propose is because "...you haven't required him to marry you or set a date." He also says "The timeline is yours; stop giving up your power. The moment we see you're willing to put aside your hopes of walking down the aisle, we're going to shelve it too. And we're going to go on renting you out, with the option to buy if you let us..." He says it's also not about you proposing to him if you don't want to do that, but it's more about just recognizing your own power and taking control of your life.

I won't do him the disservice of quoting the entire suggested conversation (especially since I don't wanna get hit with a copyright suit), so I really recommend that she buy a copy or go to the library. Its quite insightful, and there are some really funny parts too.

REVISED:
Oh, I forgot your second question. No. Stay out of it. It's her life. Again, she needs to take control, not hand it over to you.

Your cousin should not have purchased a home with her emotionally unavailable boyfriend!!!!! Big mistake. They need to sell it immediately and split it. She needs to move on w/ her life and find a man who is marriage-minded. What a mess she got herself into, but I guess love was blind for her. No, you should NOT talk to her boyfriend about this! This is none of your business and you cannot be a busy-body and stick your nose in where it doesn't belong. It would just piss him off and it would definately backfire anyway. This man has no intentions of getting married (at least not to your cousin). She needs to hire a realtor and put their house on the market A.S.A.P., as well as break up w/ her boyfriend. I have no tolerance for his b/c I am not the type who will wait and wait and wait year after year after year for my boyfriend to pop the question, so this is completely unacceptable to me. I hope she will find a good man in the near future.

Is her name jointly on the deed? The debt? She needs to protect her assets and her a**. Seriously.

She should propose to him. Not a "let's talk about it" semi-proposal. A straight up, "I want an answer" proposal.

IMO, you should stay out of this. Even is asked by either or both parties to express an opinion, smile and stick with "no comment".

She should talk to him and see what his plans for the future are and she should tell him she wants to get married.

I have been married for 12 years and when hubby and I were dating very early in our relationship we talked about getting married and having kids. I don't see why people are so afraid of talking to their boyfriend or husbands.

She purchased a house with him with NO RING OR MARRIAGE PROPOSAL????? She shouldn't have done that! He may be the type to never marry but want the whole house, kids etc. with no commitment. I would give him an ultimatum. Either get married or go separate ways-thats just me but I wouldn't waste my life waiting around for someone to pop the question. You should stay out of it though. Its between her and her boyfriend.

M

Your cousin is doing everything in the wrong order. Marriage first, then the house. She should get out of that situation and start fresh on her own. If he is unwilling to commit after 6 years (what is he waiting for??), they he is not going to commit. She has made it too easy for him to not commit. Why should he, seriously? He gets all the benefits of a wife without the responsibility. Can't blame him, really.

It's between your cousin and her boyfriend! If he can't connect with her, what good could your interference do? If they cannot handle this together, they don't belong together. What in the world is she doing entering into a financial arrangement (home ownership) with legal ramifications, without any real discussion between them about their future? They need couples counseling, tomorrow. She needs to find out ways to advocate for herself and make sure he understands her needs. He needs to make sure she understands his wishes and desires as well. She should stop talking to others unless it's a professional who can help her sort out her style of conflict resolution and communication, and she needs to talk to HIM!

Only voice your opinion if ASKED! Do not get into the middle of this..

If she asks what she should do you could suggest couples counseling or her asking him to marry her..

The 3 women I know that gave their boyfriends ultimatums.. "Ask me by ( a certain date) or I will move on and know you do not want to marry me.".
All 3 got proposals and rings, but today only 1 is still married to that husband..

And neither of the 2 women has remarried abut do have children from that marriage. But the ex husbands have remarried and have more children with second wives..
It would be interesting to know what the statistics actually are..

I also, if she had asked, would not have encouraged her to purchase a home with anyone other than a life partner or a spouse.. But that is just me..

Why doesn't she ask him? New Year's Eve is coming, Valentine's... lots of romantic opportunities.

I would not talk to him, or put pressure on him. That is the job of her parents, siblings, grandparents. I would say that even tho your a cousin, you're to far removed to have it be your place to say something to him.

M.

1. Tell her to sell the house, dump the boyfried and get on with her life. And to not make things worse by marrying this man, who obviously does not want to make a committment to her.
2. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

This is not your problem. She made a horrible choice, but it was her choice to make. She should be upset, but it's her own fault. The best you can do for her is to give her a shoulder to cry on, when it all comes crashing down.

Advise for her: Move on!

1. This guy is not interested in marriage or it would be done already.
2. Don't bother nagging, begging, convincing, threatening, him to do it, he doesn't WANT TO. A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still. So even if he did give in, what kind of marriage would that be? Lots of built up resentment.
3. It sounds like she's living in fantasy land. His track record should've clued her in to not buying a house with him. I'd give a guy 3-6 months after we'd had the "Lets get married" talk to actually propose. And I mean a ring and a date. If it didn't happen, I'd revisit the topic and then if he still doesn't come around SOON, I'd be gone. Moving in together is NEVER a wise move (even when you're engaged). Let the guy be ready for all the responsibilities of marriage before playing house together. Too many horror stories out there, and seriously, why bother with marriage if you've got all the benefits and none of the responsibleness? Its very easy to put off marriage for whatever reasons (cost, hassle, limitation of freedom, etc...).
4. Now she's in a pickle, having to sell a house (or get him to buy her out, or buy him out) to move on. Encourage her to do this, if there is ANY HOPE of the guy coming around, it would be after some time to himself. But honestly, I'm not sure there is a meeting of the minds here, so likely he would feel pressured into it.
5. Lastly. Don't you get into the middle of this mess. It won't help, I promise. Its only helpful to get involved in a situation if there is a misunderstanding and people are too embarrassed to do the communicating themselves. This situation does not fit that mold (most situations don't). She needs to be in the driver's seat here.

Best wishes, I know this is devastating, but she needs to cut her losses and begin her life - preferably with someone who is willing to commit! And Please try to convince her not to do something like this ever again!!!!

YIKES! you know what he might want next? KIDS! First off, buying a house without being married to me is a huge no no, he is getting every benefit of being married without having to face any responsability whatsoever and also no way your cousin should have children with this man, which is the next step assuming from their history; what if he cannot handle the stress? will he just take off? he is not a roommate he needs to man up and marry your cousin already.

She should have made the decision or spoke with this guy before buying a house together. Sounds like he will not ask her to marry him. They've been dating for 6 years and probably initimate so why should he make it legal if she's giving him everything? Sounds harsh but true.

No you should not speak with him. Your cousin is an adult and should handle this situation herself.

She could just ask him why he hasn't asked her or she could ask him to marry her. They need to have open communication now or their relationship will not succeed.

Hope everything works out for her.

Must be very hard for you to see your cousin go through this. But, if I were you, I wouldn't say one word to the boyfriend. He's getting exactly what he wants with no strings attached, but it's not your place to say something.

Best advice I ever received about a relationship came from my Mom. She said, when you get a belly full, you'll know what to do. It's straight to the point. Hopefully it won't take her that long.

Hi R.,
You say they have talked about marriage for years, but what was the discussion? If the general answer was "eventually they will get married" who is to say how long "eventually" is.
Try to see the boyfriends perspective. He just signed 20+ years to her on a mortgage. That is a commitment. Men don't think in the same wavelength as women. He may think buying a home is a bigger commitment to her than just a ring and a piece of paper.
Either way, it is her decision. She obviously loves him enough to make this commitment to him. Maybe they both do want to get married in the future. But they must decide when it is good for them. They shouldn't have to get married next week to keep everyone else happy.
If she is really upset she needs to talk to him. However, is she upset because of how HE makes her feel or because of how EVERONE ELSE makes her feel about this situation?
If her family is giving her negativity because she isn't married, Shame on them! She needs to make decisions that make HER happy. Who cares what YOU think. It is not YOUR situation.

to put it bluntly - fish or cut bait :) but I do not think you should talk with her BF

You should definitely not talk to her boyfriend but tell HER to talk to him. Not a passive-aggressive, mad, or pressuring talk but just honest to goodness this is what i want, what is it that you want talk. in other words, a mature conversation about the future -- something she should have done before buying the house with him! have her do it asap. better late than never. some guys do date for years before popping the question -- my friend just got engaged and they were dating for over 5 years and had talked about marrying forever too. let's not assume the worst...hopefully he's not a commitment phobe and is just taking his time. but she needs to sit down and talk with him so she doesnt waste any more time.

Why women today settle for this kind of arrangement, I don't know. They buy houses together and have babies and still no ring. She can try to push him but I assume she's tried that. I know one gal who just got married who bought herself an engagement ring and the basically told him she wasn't waiting anymore. It worked but it may not always.