"Cry It Out" Advice

I would absolutely avoid the cry-out method, it makes the child feeling lonely and unheard/unwanted. There are many other ways which have been mentioned by other posters, I hope you find one you can adopt. Good luck.

My son is 5 1/2 mo and we are in the same boat. I have been against CIO in the past. But now that he's getting older I feel better about it. We have done CIO for about 3 days now and he already seems to be improving. Last night he went from 8pm to 515am without eating and he only cried once. He is also going to sleep on his own in bed without having to bounce him. I must say CIO seems to work. I just don't recommend it for little ones under 4-5 mo personally.

I feel the same way. I feel as if she needs me and I feel guilty cause I don't see her all day. How do as working mom's do we not feel guilty for something we can't always control. Yet I do want my sleep.

Why are you embarrassed that you still nurse him at night? He just turned 1, not 8. How often does he wake up? From your post, it sounds like its more than once. I don't think there is one "right" way but since you aren't happy with the way things are then you need to either accept it or you need to be 100% comfortable with CIO. I never did it because my son needs my help even at 3 to calm down. Some kids have sensory issues that make this harder for them. Who knows, maybe your son does, maybe he does not. What you can do is not go to him as soon as he cries. Maybe try to let him go a few minutes. Does he have a lovie or a nightlight? What about an Ocean Wonders or something like that Aquarium that he can turn on himself to help him learn to self-soothe. I personally think you should give your son the tools and the opportunities he needs to learn self-soothing skills but not force it upon them.

How about cosleeping? Especially if he's still nursing at night (which personally I see nothing wrong with that) maybe it will help him feel more secure and help him sleep through the night if he sleeps with you. I coslept with both my kids and loved it. We coslept from the beginning, though, so I don't know how you would feel about cosleeping after a year of doing the opposite....but it works for some people and it might work for your family. Who knows? Maybe it will help you get more sleep. :-)

Oh, and my kids are now 8 and 6 and have been sleeping in their own beds since they were 2 1/2, and they were fine with the transition. Whatever you decide to do, good luck, and I hope you start to get more sleep.

I was a little taken back by the fact that you are embarassed he still nurses. Why, why, why??

To answer your question, why not consider cosleeping? Everyone will sleep better.

If you're wishy-washy, don't do it. If you're totally committed, I highly recommend Ferber.

I have never heard of "gentle" method that works without crying. There's crying with you in the room, crying with you out of the room, crying with you touching them, crying with you being hands off. But if you want to avoid crying, your option is to pick up and snuggle. Only you can decide what you want to do.

Good luck.

If you're wishy-washy don't do it. You'll cause more problems by waffling back and forth and will confuse the poor kid, resulting in more screaming and less sleeping.

If you're ready for your child to self-soothe and sleep on his own through the night, and you're ready to not be wishy-washy then give cio a try.

If you're not ready for crying, screaming, being kept awake by his crying, sleepless days and nights for about a week or two, then continue doing what you're doing especially if it is working for you and your family. Because, if you start CIO but give in the child will learn "hmmm, now I have to cry louder and harder. Sure, it'll take mommy longer to get here so I'll just keep at it until she gets here." because your child knows you'll eventually run in and save him.

No matter what you decide be consistent. We did CIO with both of our children and they have slept through the night at 6 months. Neither of them are scarred for life and are capable of falling back asleep in the middle of the night on their own. They are also getting the restful, restorative sleep they so desperately need as a children because they do not spend hours at night stressing over how they are going to get back to sleep and if mom will come in and nurse them or cuddle them or take them into bed. Nope - they go right back to sleep if they wake up and do not fuss about it.

Everyone in our house is happy, healthy, and well-rested (except for me, but that's another story/medical condition)!

That is not guilt. That is you being a good Mommy. Different babies need different amounts of MommySoothing, there is nothing 'irrational or softie' about it. He will grow up stong and confidant and ready to take on the world because he knows You've Got His Back. And that IS your job, right?

It won't ALWAYS be like this, I promise. For now, he still needs you at that time, he will not ALWAYS need you.

Enjoy him, before you know it, he won't want to KNOW you!

:)

Are you me? I think you are me!

I 100% know where you are coming from. I STILL nurse my 15 month year old once a night. I work during the day, and only have a few hours with her. She cries and sobs when I leave every day, and I cant do anything about that because I have to work. When she cries at 2 am, I can go to her, and I like getting to cuddle her. She is only this little for such a short time, and will only need me like this for a little while. When she is 13, or even 3, she wont be waking everynight demanding a glass of water...

With that being said, I am trying to ween her of this nighttime thing - and I have been doing that by letting her cry for longer periods of time. Instead of going to her immediately, I go to her after a while - 10-15 20 minutes - an hour? I dont know, I sort of doze through it. If her crying makes me feel bad, I go get her. If I feel like she is ok (just mad) I leave her.

I used this same, unscientific approach with my son, who is now almost three and he has been sleeping through the night since he was....? I dont even remember! Maybe @ 15 months? Maybe 13?

I think if you are serious about getting her to sleep through the night, ASAP, you need to do CIO. The Ferber Method is so hard to do in the middle of the night... You have to wait 5 minutes, then 10 minutes, etc. before you go comfort her and who wants to track that at 2 am?

I say, follow your heart and do what feels right.

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We used CIO with both of our children, our son at 10 months, and our daughter at 11 months. It was difficult to do, but the results were amazing. With our son, he cried for a little over an hour the first night, 9 minutes the second night, and that was it. Our daughter was a little different. She cried for about 45 minutes the first night, and then 20 or so the next three nights. Then she started talking to herself, and her 'babies". She will now sit in her crib after bedtime, talking to her babies, with a whimper every now and then, and eventually fall asleep after 20 -30 minutes (at 17 months).
With both of ours we would check on them to ensure they weren't hurt, and tell them we loved them and that it was bedtime, and just let it work. It has been done for ages - my mom joked with me when I heard every sound our babies made that they didn't have baby monitors back when I was born, so she let me CIO without even knowing it. Do what works for you, but whatever choice you go with keep it the same every night.

either way you shake it, they are going to cry. They need to learn how to self sooth. Think of it as a learning experience for him. I did CIO on my daughter when she was 4.5 or 5 months old. I ALWAYS say "worst week of my life...BEST thing I ever did"
I tried Ferber method at first...meaning wait 5 mins, then go in and pat her back (leave after a min or 2) then wait 10 mins and go back in, pat the back (leave after a min or 2) then wait 20 mins etc etc.
That did not work as my daughter would scream LOUDER when I walked in and did nothing..So opted just to not go in at all. First night she cried for over 2 hours..I think it was like 2 hours and 15 mins...next night it was 1 hour and 45 mins, next night it was about an hour (which seemed like nothing)..after that it was like 30 mins, then 5 mins..BAM..all done..should would have an episode every so often but nothing that lasted more than 5 mins..she would go back down
Something I did do was I have a crib aquarium in her bed and she would turn that on and it helps her go back down (a little musical thing)...Mine also has a pacifier at nighttime.
I wish you luck. its not easy, but IT DOES WORK...you will just have to decide if its the right path for you..if I have another kid, i will be doing CIO again.
some advice. I work full time so I decided to do the CIO on a thursday..I pushed through friday at work and then I had the weekend to train...so during the day I was not so grougy or sleepy whenI had to be at my job...and I could nap when my daughter napped to 'catch up'. The first night is really not easy but it does get better.
Luck luck

I couldn't do CIO because I couldn't listen to my baby cry for 2 hours. And for all a baby knows, you've completely disappeared. The Ferber Method, though, is kind of a happy medium, and it really worked miracles for us.

Yes, they do cry when you leave again, but it absolutely works if you hang in there. My son slept through the night right from the start (for the 1st time in 2.5 years!) Granted, getting him to sleep in the 1st place took a little longer, but once he fell asleep, he stayed asleep. :D

Read the book before trying it though- there's so much really good information, and I think having that information makes it much more likely you'll succeed rather than if you just get the jist of it and try it.

Very best wishes!

http://www.amazon.com/Solve-Your-Childs-Sleep-Problems/dp...

BTW, you can read the 1st few pages here, as well as read reviews

i only have 1 hand to type w/ right now...sorry. but check out sleepyplanet.com and sleepeasy solution. it was a lifesaver for us. i was totally against anything that involved cio, but after a year of no sleep, a cranky preschooler, a tired baby and a deployed husband, i needed something!! it does involve some crying, but it didn't take long at all ( 2 nights with 15 min crying the first total and 4 minutes the second night...ant this kiddo was one who previously could make himself SICK from crying) and our quality time together is so much better now that we're all not chronically exhausted. that said, i'm holding my little lovebug now as he naps...he doesn't want his crib today and has a cold...will i pay for it later? sure. but it's worth it and i love it. basically i'm saying it doesn't have to be all or nothing. good luck and sweet dreams!

I completely relate about cuddling at night bc you work full-time. I felt like maybe my oldest needed "mommy time" and if so, I was going to give it to her. But it was exhausting and I was pregnant again. To this day, my oldest is not a good sleeper and usually sleeps on a mattress in our room. She's 6... I think it's personality. What I read and felt like was a somewhat happy medium was to leave him/her in their crib and lie down next to them. (I'd lie on pillows so I could sleep.) That way I felt like I wasn't abandoning her in a room by herself and leaving her all confused and lonely but showing her that she needed to sleep in her own bed/crib. It did work. Lots of setbacks etc as evidenced by her current sleeping situation but I think it's just her and there have been long periods of time she slept alone. She is so social w/ friends all day yet come nighttime, wants an adult. My youngest is way more clingy during the day yet is totally fine sleeping alone. I felt if I was home all day, she'd get enough of me from a rationale standpoint and would have to learn to deal w/ sleeping alone. But I do feel that being gone all day and then forcing the issue at night might be too harsh.

We used CIO with our son, but started much younger. It generally lasted only a few moments at the most and he is a stubborn thing! The best advice is to turn off the monitor when you are doing it then turn it on while the child is sleeping so that you can respond to any comfort needs or emergency issues.

I really have no other sage advise. Sleep issues always seem so difficult. I wish you luck.

~C.

My advice- Don't do it. How would you like it if someone locked you in a dark room and you were crying and they never came in to comfort you. How would that make you feel? I have three girls. Their ages are 15, 6 and 11 months. Believe me there will come a day when your child won't need you to put them to bed and when they wake up at night they won't call for you. Enjoy this time. It goes by way too fast!

Co-sleeping has worked for my family - both as a single Mother and as a Married partnership. Daughter is 5.5 y/o and transitioning out of our bed because baby #2 is coming in July - whom we also plan on co-sleeping.

There was no sleep exhaustion - at least not as much as most Moms complain about... I got to reconnect with my child after being away all day at work and school - a reconnection my daughter and I both greatly needed.

I also sleep better at night knowing exactly where my child is in case of some emergency - child sleeps better because they feel safe, comforted and loved close up to their parents.

I nursed until daughter self weaned at 4.5 y/o and it was a great long winded transition. Nothing wrong with still nursing a toddler.

CIO is easier with younger children, but it should work for your son. You are teaching a lifelong skill of self soothing. It is not mean. I have 2 nieces, ages 13 and 11 who cannot sleep through a night without one or both of their parents coming in to soothe them back when they wake up. It happens EVERY night. Nobody gets a great night sleep in their home, ever!

I will tell you CIO is very hard, and it will make you cry. In the end it is so worth it. Turn off your monitor and turn your tv up to block the sound. The first night is the worst. After about 3-7 days, he should be set. I did CIO with both my children when they were about 7 months old, and it worked like a charm. You need to make sure you're committed to it, and that your husband is supportive. Once one person goes in, you'll be starting over and he'll scream even longer. Thinking of you! Good luck!

We used the Dr. Ferber sleep training method, we started at 2.5 months. It was brilliant for us. My MIL, myself and my husband could all adhere to the same schedule, and ensure consistency. Also we helped support each other as the initial crying seemed too much to bear. If you decide to do the Ferber method make sure everyone is on board. It's harder on the parents than it is on the child, but its well worth it. Our little one is now 5.5 months old. He has been sleeping from 9:30 - 7am without interruption since I returned to work in February.

Between his sleep and my work, I only see him for half an hour in the morning and 2-3 hours in the evening. I'd love to find more time to snuggle with him, but this is the way of it.

We went middle of the road on the CIO. My son was 8 months and was going through an awful adjustment period.

I would take a clock/watch as soon as he would wake up and go in and check on him (just to make sure that he wasn't running a fever or had his leg stuck etc.) then I would take a pillow and a clock, close his door, and sit on the floor outside his room. I think I would let him cry for 15 minutes or so and if he only got louder or still wasn't getting it, I would go in one more time and check on him. Give him a pacifier (which mine loves) and his blanket and try to get him calmer without picking him up. Wait another 15 minutes outside of his room and by then he would usually go back to sleep. This took about 2 weeks (not every night but most nights) and the length of time was varied.

My son is one of the best sleepers there is now. We could just be blessed with good genes, but who knows. At 1 YO it could be any number of reasons he is getting up.... teeth, ears, seperation anxiety etc. If you are really concerned with the CIO method, try and make sure that you have ruled out all other variables. When my son was going through a rough phase at 14 months (2 days of up 5 times a night after 3 months of straight through the night) we gave him Ibprophen before bed to try and help sooth whatever was bothering him. He also gets congested at night so we gave him a pillow and he loves it.

the other mom's are right though- if you aren't ready- don't do it.

Both of us work full time too and it is hard to hear him cry anytime, but sometimes things like this are just better to fix now before he gets any older and realizes he is manipulating you or worse (only in my opinion) convinces you to put him in your own bed. Then you will never get any sleep and he will rule your bedroom too!

Good luck!

Mary, I don't know if this will help and I am sure others have mentioned similar situations.
I hope I can help. I have two children 2 & 3. I have to say I agree with almost everyone, nursing is good for both mother and child, you should not feel bad, of course there is a point to wean (and you will both know when that time comes). Both of mine weaned themselves, one at 7 months the other at 15 months.
I have two children both sleep well. I did both CIO and not. I always allowed them to understand I was there for them, even if it meant I was in another room. And I wake up to everything, and worried! I did not want children at five thinking they needed to fall asleep in mom and dads bed, not selfish, there are times for cuddling. Just set bounds. If they cry, sooth them, make it short when it needs to be short and long if the situation calls for long reassurance. Take your time, it doesn't happen 'over night', it just doesn't happen that quick. If you need to sooth do that as often as needed and shorten the amounts of times you are willing to cuddle as the days/night go on.

One thing that stuck out to me was an older woman with grandchildren mentioned to me that she always told her kids that mommy needs a break too, it is quit time, even if that means you play quietly, read a book, or sleep.

To me, my kids (2 & 3) will get a book for nap time, they will usually go to sleep. They share a room so this can be tough. Just like bedtime, but I also take their cues and "roll with it" keep a routine and hope for the best. They know they need to be in bed, yet one goes right to sleep, the other plays and then goes to sleep. 9 out of 10 they will do very well, and rarely if ever they wake up in the middle of the night.

I was worried that my younger child would never go to sleep and get out and play. He recently got a toddler bed and he behaves himself most of the time, I'd say once a week they don't get their nap.

I would say that the first six months are always the toughest, yet it is all about routine. We also travel sort of often and we all do well.

Good luck to you:)

I personally can't stomach the CIO but lots of people love it. If you try to put yourself in the little developing psyche, of a baby (yes 12 months is a baby and no, there's no reason you should be embarrassed about nursing him) it would be really traumatic to be unable to express yourself other than by crying, and to not have the one person that means everything to you respond. I think it's, simply put, cruel.

On the other hand, I think it's important to learn to self soothe. But not at the expense of feeling abandoned. I agree with the suggestions to try the no cry solutions, i think nothing is more heartbreaking than simply abandoning them until they learn that nobody is going to respond to their cries for help so they give up, defeated. TO all those mom's who say that they didi it and their child is fine the effects of these feelings would not be apparent overnight, but would manifest themselves much later in life, in adulthood, in other relationships etc.

However, if you are going to do it, it is my understanding that you (& your hubby) must be 100% committed.

Good luck. We never did cry it out and managed to teach her to self sooth. Of course we have occasional sleep issues and work more than full time so I totally get it.

I also recommend the No Cry Sleep Solution by Pantley. Many of those tips and techniques really helped us with our first son, when we were in about the same situation as you (around 1 year old, still waking, still nursing, us both working full time, etc.) The tips that especially worked were to have a solid, super consistent bedtime routine with lots of things they can associate with sleep--a pacifier, a lovie, bathtime, reading before bed, music playing/white noise, key words (e.g. "nite nite"). I have to say as soon as my son self weaned from nursing that one time per day, I was a bit sad and missed it. It is such a special bond that only you can give him...enjoy it while you can. I also second the opinions about co-sleeping for part of the night. I used to get my son when he woke up that last time early in the morning and bring him into bed with me to nurse and for us both to get a couple more hours of sleep.

Trying to go all out CIO when you feel ambivalent will be less than successful because with whatever method you choose you will need to be consistent. Baby Whisperer and the No-Cry Sleep Solution are two middle of the road methods you should look into.

I would actually look up Dr. Ferber and his method for sleep training which people have coined as "crying it out." It's not about leaving your child alone to cry until falling asleep, but is actually much more gentle than that.

Go through your bedtime routine and put your child to bed. Stay with your child next to him rubbing his back and soothing him as needed until he falls asleep. Minimize eye contact and speaking but stay on the bed next to him, seated. Keep things dim or dark in the room. If he's afraid of the dark there's nothing wrong with a night light. Do this for a couple of nights.

After maybe two nights go through the same thing but sitting next to the bed instead of on it.

Every couple of nights, gradually move that seat further away while he's falling asleep until you're at the door and eventually out of the room.

However if at any time he's distressed and crying, you go to him and soothe him gently. Try to do it with your voice and reassure him that you're there and see how he responds, but if he needs you to rub his back again then do it. Just don't pick him up. Hug him, kiss him, lay him back down, reassure him and continue with settling him in.

You have to be consistent and you have to be patient. It might take a week, it might take a month but it'll work.

What I'd like to know is why in the world are you freaking embarrassed that your son still nurses at a year old? I wish I could have nursed for that long and longer. The WHO recommends nursing for as long as the child and mother are willing and able and I believe their recommendation is to do it for two years (but it could be three, especially in developing countries).

Try the "No Cry Sleep Solution" by Elizabeth Pantley. I used it with my older son when he was about the same age and I was at the end of my rope with sleeping. Basically I would put him to sleep in his own bed and then go get him when he woke and cosleep the rest of the night but even that was not working well at that point. So I still did the same routine, but would only let him nurse for 5 min. If he fussed, I'd give it back to him but this time for a shorter time. You have to stay awake and somewhat lucid but it worked really well for us and after 3 or 4 days of doing this he realized he wasn't really going to get what he wanted (unrestricted access to nursing all night) and he just stopped waking altogether. I was working full time at that time as well and just couldn't do it. Co sleeping at least some of the night worked really well for us for several months as well. Absolutely nothing wrong with nursing still or nursing at night. He needs comfort, you need sleep and this is the time you get together.