The Ferber Method - San Francisco,CA

Your daughter's habit is totally ingrained. It will take a lot of time before you can get her to self-soothe, but it will be worth it in the end. It isn't good for any in your family to be going through this, including her. She isn't getting proper rest and the night is very long for her.

If you really want to do this, you have to stop being so tearful about it. Decide to, or not to, either one. But if you decide to, you cannot be wishy-washy about it. You have to be 100% consistent.

When she wakes up, wait for 5 minutes. Watch the clock. Then walk in and pat her back and quietly say "Go back to sleep", and walk out. Don't pick her up, don't connect with her, don't stay in the room. Wait 10 minutes. Watch that clock. Do the same thing. Then wait 15 minutes. So forth and so on. Add 5 minutes to each time you walk in. She will cry and cry. You will have to accept it. Eventually she will go to sleep.

It may take as long as 2 weeks for her to learn to self-soothe. Right now she doesn't know how to let herself go back to sleep. She's never had to do it before - she depends on you. Give her the gift of being able to fall asleep on her own. She will learn to wake up in the middle of the night, not cry, and drop back off to sleep. Right now she thinks she HAS to cry and that YOU have to put her back to sleep.

You will be very happy to have this done before she can crawl out of that crib. If you try to sleep train then, you'll also have to deal with keeping her from coming out of her room. That's harder.

Good luck,
D.

5 moms found this helpful

First of all, I know how hard it is for you! I was at the same place with our daughter when she was 1 year old. Out of desperation we also tried Ferber's CIO. Everyone said it worked. Everyone said it would be hard, but that it was ok for the kid. That it wouldn't scar her. Well... it was so traumatic for ME that I ended up in counseling and it is my biggest parenting regret so far (our daughter is 3 1/2).

It might sound radical, but what we ended up doing was getting a single mattress and putting it on the floor in her room (when she was 1 yr. old). I'd lie down with her until she fell asleep. I don't remember at what age she understood this, but I'd tell her that I would stay with her until she fell asleep and then had to go clean up the kitchen, so I wan't "sneaking" away once she fell asleep.

When she woke up at night we'd bring her into our bed. And I think that is what really helped. She knew that if she called to us we'd go get her. And she woke up less and less.

Just know that most little children do not sleep through the night. Even if you get her trained now, as soon as she is sick or you travel you will have to do it again. And as she gets older, there will be other changes that will distrupt sleep. It is ok to sleep with your child, and really cozy. We found the more we were open to the idea, the more secure our daughter felt, and the more relaxed she was about sleeping alone.

Also remember, they are small for such a short time. Enjoy loving your baby now before she grows up and doesn't want to cuddle anymore. :)

Anyway, this might be crazy advice for some. Follow your heart and do what works for your family, whatever that is. And don't be afraid if you give your child extra attention now at bedtime she will never learn to sleep on her own. They do learn to sleep on their own. We have found that a gentle approach made it a happy learning experience for all of us.

Sweet dreams!

5 moms found this helpful

I don't think Ferber is a true CIO but suggests longer spaces between check ins. I ended up checking out all sorts of books, read different theories and chose the process i was most comfortable in doing. And whatever you do, be consistent! When I wasn't consistent I was 'bit in the butt' and the child didn't understand why I kept changing the rules! As our Ped said, you're just confusing him and training him to keep crying for you b/c he knows you'll cave. So just be consistent and she'll get the message.

This is what worked for us: During the initial bed time process: 1) long cuddle and nursing and reading period 2) put baby down, kiss, say goodnight, whatever, leave. 3) if baby cries, let cry for 5 minutes (or 2 or 1 or whatever you can stand) 4) go in, DO NOT PICK UP BABY, but pat baby on back, reassure baby you love her but it's time to go to sleep. 5) if still crying, wait a little bit longer (if 2 minutes the first time, then wait 3 or 4) then go it, pat, reassure, don't dawdle, say it's time to go to sleep, we love you and leave. 5)keep going, just extending the time.

I realized you were worried about middle of the night wake ups. I'm assuming you are no longer nursing/there is no need to feed her (my boys were done with middle of the night feedings by 5 mo.). Initially, when we stopped feeding, I would actually ask my husband to go in b/c he didn't smell like milk. He just patted the baby and told them it was still sleepy time and go back to sleep. They usually just went back to sleep. I think all they wanted was reassurance that we were still around. If she's still crying, just keep delaying it a little bit (one minute increase each time) and go in a reassure her but DON"T PICK HER UP. And like I said, it might help (if that is an option) if Dad went in. Sometimes they take the Dads more seriously.

Good luck! You need your sleep so don't feel guilty!!!!

PS Sometimes, after the training worked, they still cried, but Dad usually went in and held him -- but we knew it wasn't a nightly thing so it's okay to eventually make some exceptions. Again, do whatever you're most comfortable with, b/c it IS hard.

3 moms found this helpful

Yes, it will work, but it will be hard on you. If you want to follow the method, you put the baby to bed with the same routine every night (and every nap). If she's crying after you leave, you check on her after 5 minutes. If she's still crying, wait 10 more minutes before doing a check, then if the crying continues, you check on her every 15 minutes after that.

When you go in to check on her, stay in there only about 30 seconds. Tell her everything is ok, you're still there, you love her, and you'll see her in the morning. Ferber advises not to touch her, but other similar methods say you can gently pat her, so do what works best for you. All methods of this type say not to pick her up.

It is hard to listen to your baby cry. If your husband has more tolerance for it, take a long shower, go for a walk or a drive, so you don't have to listen to it. You should notice an improvement within a few days.

Good luck!

3 moms found this helpful

Hi L.,
The Ferber Method will work on your daughter but you have to be consistent!! When we did the Ferber for my daughter at 6 months it was so so hard. She cried and I cried but my husband wouldn't let me go in and assured me it was for her own good. She cried for about 1 1/2 hours the first night, 20 mins the second night and then about 5 the third. By the fourth night she was sleeping on her own through the night. She is now 6 1/2 and is an awesome sleeper.
I think the key to a very successful Ferber is to stay out of the room and just let them cry. DON'T go back in. I think it is tease for you to keep going in and out and just prolongs the process.
A well rested momma = a happy momma and a happy momma =a happy house! Hope you get some sleep soon!

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Ferber never worked for us. It would actually make my kids more worked up. It seemed that everytime I left the room, they would shriek even worse than before. CIO just never really worked for us, at least that young. I did finally have to let my youngest CIO, but she was 18 months old. The child just would NOT sleep. There was nothing wrong with her (full, dry diaper, etc) she just didn't want to sleep. It was bad the first night, not so bad the second and great by the third. But, like I said...she was a lot older than 1.

Technically, the Ferber method is suppose to work on 1 year olds. But, if it's causing you that much trauma, it's not worth it. Put her in your room and see if that helps.

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Is she waking up to eat? Or just cries till you comfort her?

Have you tried co-sleeping??? If she is just needing you in the middle of the night, this may help.

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Repeat this mantra, 'confident, calm, consistent. Confident, calm, consistent.'. Remember with any teach to sleep method that your baby is safe and healthy, and they WILL eventually fall asleep. No matter how much they cry, they are in a safe and loving environment. Good luck!

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Well if she is having "night terrors" or night mares... I doubt it will work.

The question is: why is she waking up? And how is she acting when she wakes up?

Maybe she is having "Night Terrors"?
Look it up online.
It is a developmental based, occurrence.

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Yes it will work and the earlier you do it, the better (in other words a 2 year old will hold out longer). You are teaching her to sleep, think of that more that "letting her cry." Wait 5 min before you respond as she might settle. If she takes a paci leave about 5 in crib so she can find one, also give her favorite lovey. If she walks make sure she gets some good outside time daily walking around and a little protein before bed. I also come downstairs when DD is crying not wait in the bedroom. It will be hard but be consistent.

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We used it on our daughter when she was around 15 months. Also had to use it on my son a couple of times at 1, 2, and 3. You do have to be consistent with it though. We had the 3 strike rule. I would go in to check on them 2 times, but the third time, they were out of luck. It took a few nights of agony (I think 3 hours was the max cry time) but finally worked.

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Like the rest of us imperfect parents, you've allowed something to go on way too long and now it's a habit. She's got you trained. I'm going through the same thing with my son, only it's potty training. :-) I don't know if this is the Ferber Method, but this is what worked for my boys. I'd let them cry for 5 minutes. Go into the room and pat their back, no talking, no picking up. I'd leave after 30 seconds. Next time I'd wait 10 minutes, do the same thing. Crying continues? Go back in in 15 minutes. Stick to it! Your child knows you are there and that she's loved. We got up to 25 minutes with my son (remember, that's treally 25 minutes plus 20 minutes plus 15 minutes. . . .) After 3 days, problem solved. Good luck!

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It should work, but if you haven't already, you should get Dr. Ferber's book and read at least the few chapters that deal with what you need. It is hard to listen to our babies cry, but after reading the book I understood why it would work and be better for the baby in the long run, which helped me to stick with it. We did it at around 6 months and it took 3 or 4 nights, then my son went to sleep on his own, soothed himself if he woke up, and slept for 10-12 hours. He is 3 1/2 now and has been a great sleeper ever since. The book give detailed instructions for teaching your child to fall asleep on her own, it isn't just put her in her crib and disappear for the night, which is why I suggest reading it if you are considering this method.
Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

Kids can make it through the night usually at about 6 months, but it depends on weight. Ours were both 7 months when I got fed up with the every-2-hour schedule and the doctor advised their weight was enough to make it through. Additionally, by feeding you actually STIMULATE the digestion process and instead of making them sleepy you may be adding to making them wake. I let our first "cry it out", I literally just did not go in at 7 months for the first feeding at 1 PM after I fed her before I went to bed at 11 - she cried for 4 nights for 4 hours straight and then slept through the night. We used Ferber for the second child - much easier on the parent and child, worked in about 3 weeks. You have to stick to the plan he describes in detail in his book (check your library, it is called "how to solve you child's sleep problems" and describes a lot more than just this topic - I kept a copy for about 10 years for all issues that came up). Either method works, it just depends on your own strength to follow through. Neither child remembers anything about this now, so forget your sadness. You are probably just sleep deprived and that just makes everything more difficult. Choose a method and stick with it and sleep tight in the very near future. Cheers.

Super Nanny uses a technique that sounds very similar to the Ferber method with toddlers and preschoolers. Put them to bed and then return after a few minutes, do not pick them up except to put them back to bed, do not talk to them and leave. Extend the length of time in between returning to them if they remain in bed and their cries don't escalate. If they get out of bed, immediately return them to be.

I think that with a 1 yo you have to be sure to start this be going to her before she's frantic. Perhaps when you're first aware that she's crying go in to her, pat her on the back and leave. Then continue the process as described by Ferber. Never let her cries get to the frantic state. That means she's scared and has to be calmed down first.

The Ferber site said this is sometimes thought to be CIO but it's not. Don't leave the child to cry for an extended period of time. Return so that they know you're there, leave, wait a bit, return, on and on until the little one has learned to soothe themselves. Training is said to be short term; a few nights to a week or so, if you're consistent.

I don't know much about the Ferber method but what I've read it seems to apply mostly to the first time in bed. I don't know if it would work to stop multiple wakings. But you could try it.

Have you tried leaving on a nite lite? Putting a soft toy or blanket in her crib? Does she have a special blanket or toy? One of my grandchildren responded to a music box style toy that was attached to the bed. When she woke up she turned it on. I do think she was closer to 2, tho.

Does she eat just before going to bed? She may be hungry. Is she warm enough? Are there noises that might awaken her? Do you have a bedtime routine of about 30 minutes during which you're cuddling her, paying her special attention so that she's relaxed and feeling secure when she does go to sleep?

Worked for us. We used it when my daughter was 8 months old then again when she was almost two and we are going to start with it again at 3.5. The first time it was horrible but just get the book and hang on it works. When ever we have a big change it seems she forgets how to get herself to sleep or if we get out of our routine for what ever reason we have to refer back to the book - it totally works. after the 2nd day usually we are back to normal going to bed or with the middle of the night wake ups. Good luck.

I was in the same boat as you. My son was waking 5-6 times per night until around 18mo when he FINALLY started sleeping more than 3 hours at a time (this was from birth). I, too, was at my wit's end, but CIO didn't work for either of us. We tried for 3 nights, and I was so exhausted by the middle of the 3rd night that I said screw this and pulled him into bed with me. I wasn't wishy-washy about it, but he literally would fall asleep for 10 minutes at a time, then wake up crying again. He was night-weaned by that time, so he wasn't waking to nurse or eat. He's had night terrors since about 2, so we're wondering if that wasn't part of the problem at that time as well.

Honestly, as much as other parents rave about CIO and say how well it worked for them, I think it's a ridiculous method that teaches your child nothing except he/she can't depend on you to take care of his/her needs. Your child needs to feel safe in her environment to be able to sleep well. For my son, he felt safe in bed with me until around 20mo, then he was fine in his crib. For my daughter (who's 18mo now and has never had the sleep troubles my son had), she's fine in her crib all night, 90% of the time. When she does wake, it's because she's truly hungry. She'll nurse for 10 minutes, then go back to sleep until morning.

How well does your daughter nap? A lot of sleep issues start with napping behavior. The better they nap, the better they usually sleep at night.

Another thing that worked REALLY well for us was putting our son to bed at 7:30/8:00 vs waiting until he was rubbing his eyes and showing definite sleepy signs (which was not until 9:30 or 10). The earlier bedtime worked like a charm with him, especially once I calculated the hours between when he got up from his nap and when he'd be ready for bed. I tried to time things, so that I wouldn't let him sleep past 2:30 because I knew that he'd be ready for bed 5 hours after he got up from his nap. It helped ALL of us!

Hope some of this helps :)

L.,

My sympathy for you and your daughter. Sleep is so important!

I think Ferber method is very reliable if you can stick with it, but if you can't there are other options. (Don't feel bad if Ferber doesn't work but also don't feel bad for using it since people do every day and kids are fine emotionally etc.) The older they get, the harder because they're smarter and more resilient.

We tried Ferber around age 1 and just couldn't stand it so we did as another mom here did, and put a twin mattress on the floor so we could lay down with him. (And eventually bought a bed frame and a bed rail.) One thing I totally agree with is routine and consistency. We have the same routine and the same bed time every night. We lay down and read books and/or "talk" until he falls asleep. When he woke up during the night we'd go in and lay down until he fell back asleep and go back to our bed or just sleep there. Getting everyone enough sleep was the main priority. He slowly began waking up less and less and now wakes up only once per night and loves his bed. It's not perfect but it's doable. (And I know he wakes up because he wants someone there (which is what Ferber tries to prevent) because any time we travel and all sleep together he sleeps through the night 100% of the time :)

I often feel frustrated that he still doesn't sleep through the night but am reminded by my mom and other moms that these years of cuddling and sleeping with little ones are very precious and to enjoy them if you all can do it while getting enough rest.

Good luck and remember to stay consistent and do what feels right to you and your baby.