Constructive Toddler Discipline Help

Love and Logic idea's are awesome!

http://www.loveandlogic.com/

Love and Logic® provides simple and practical techniques to help parents
with kids of all ages:

•Raise responsible kids
•Have more fun in their role
•Easily and immediately (first use) change their children's behavior

I have even got in touch with some of the teachers and been on Live telephone conferences with them. Giving helpful advise for toddlers.

It has truly allowed be to enjoy my children, and not be frustrated all the time.

123 Magic has worked WONDERS for our 2.5 year old, and several of my friends are behavioral child psychologists, and they all feel that this is the best approach published today. The best part is that it also addresses what they refer to as "adult temper tantrums", which is the frustration and yelling that we're all reduced to when we've had enough.
It's a quick read, and such a simple concept. And it really works.

One note: at 2, I think it's a bit much to expect your daughter to sit through dinner once she's done eating. Maybe letting her go play while at home might help lower your frustrations and save a battle or two.

I wouldn't use the word no... I would tell her to stop playing with the silverware and remove them from her seating area.

Dr. Sears is a childhood expert and has great discipline advice here, scroll down some for the 'bothersome behavior' specific tips:
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T060100.asp

here are tips on helping parents control their anger:
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T061800.asp

First -- congrats on a happy girl! This stage will pass especially if you don't give her attention for the throwing. She will tire of it if you don't make it into a power struggle!

The book "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk," as someone noted, is well-regarded.

She is only two and is exploring how far she can go with things, plus, at two -- barely out of babyhood, really -- the throwing is simply fun, and gets your attention. Even negative attention is still attention and kids want it.

When she throws the first thing, say firmly, "This is the warning. Do not throw things. If you throw again, you have to leave the table." If she throws again, say, "You are finished with dinner because you threw that." Nothing else! Silently remove her, even if you have to pick her up, and take her out of the dining room, even if she is mid-bite. Instant, calm, no-yelliing, firm removal. You may have to do it lots of times but if it's very consistent she will get that throwing equals instant removal and NO reactions from mom and dad. Yelling or talking is a reaction; deny her that, but calmly. You may need to follow with time outs but very brief ones -- Books by "Supernanny" Jo Frost are good on how to structure and enforce time outs that work.

But I want to add to all that, as someone else said -- at age two it is too much to ask her to sit through you adults finishing your meals, so perhaps let her leave the table when she is done. Ask yourself -- is the throwing happening mostly once she's done eating and is getting bored and restless? You might not even have to do the removal routine if you let her leave the table when she is done.

Talk to your husband about the difference on spanking. Stick to your guns about not spanking or even "popping" your child "just once, just on the bottom."

Try this with him: At some point we all have to tell a kid, "Don't hit!" How could he ever tell her "Don't hit!" if he hits her himself? It's the ultimate hypocrisy. And even that "little pop on the butt" is a hit. You can't teach a child not to hit by hitting. That confuses them and lets them know that the adults they love and trust consider it acceptable to touch them in order to cause pain. On purpose. It doesn't teach them any new or different BEHAVIORS, but only teaches them that they are legitimate targets for physical pain from those they trust.

One-two-three magic.

Go to the website, or go get the book. It's great stuff. Implement it now and it will still work well into her adolescent years.

I applaud you mama. You are aware of how your upbringing affected you and you are actively seeking to make things different for your child. Good job!

I like "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Faber and Mazlish and "The Five Love Languages of Children" by Chapman and Campbell.

We also find that what works for us, is that if our kids can't be nice, then the event is over. Bathtime, dinner, park, storytime, whatever. But whatever she moves to next can't be fun unless she asks to be excused. Do something fun, and you've taught that bad behaviour gets you what you want (here, excused from the table - she's bored because she's already finished her meal).

Or, if you find it works better, I assume you've purposely made her room a safe place for her to be. So, let her be there alone while you and daddy finish eating. We do this sometimes, too, when our daughters' bad behaviour is an attention grab.

Yes, we've both cut a few of our own meals short leaving the table, and endured some tantrums having her leave the room, but...short-term inconvenience, long-term benefit.

You've got a tough job. Thanks for being a caring mama.

Throwing food is just a stage. It eventually passes. But it is their way of telling you that they are done. What we would do is just say you must be done and take his food away and clean him up and put him down, and he would usually stay in the kitchen with us. I found that for eating just saying you must be done helped a lot instead of yelling NO at him. Eased the frustration on both sides. Now he tells us he is done and we still put him down because he just can't sit there that long. We do a lot of redirecting as well. Their attention span is that of a gnat so that usually works for us. If he does something that is really bad then we send him to his room, but he is 2 1/2 and it works pretty well.

Keep things logical and calm. When your child throws her fork on the floor the first time say, "Forks stay on the table. If you are all done you can say all done (or have an all done sign depending on where she is on speech). If you throw the fork on the floor again I will think that you are done and your dinner will be over. If the fork goes on the floor again your dinner is over." If the fork goes on the floor, calmly put her dinner away. Of course you can feed her later with healthy foods. The goal is for her to learn how to behave in specific situations right now. Same thing with toys or the like. If she throws toys then the toy goes away. If she writes on the wall she helps you wipe up the wall (as well as can be expected, it is about taking responsibility for actions, not perfect cleaning) and the crayons go away. When the consequences start to make sense and she sees that HER choices are causing negative consequences, and she will choose other behaviors to elicit positive consequences. It is always important to remember that children are learning about the world around them. They are on the beginning of their journey. Think of yourself in a foreign country with foreign customs. How you YOU like to be taught those customs. Through understanding and clarity or yelling and force?

B. Davis
http://www.ChildAndFamilyCoaching.com
Because nothing is more important than family

My DD went through a phase where she would look right at us and toss her plate on the floor. Because we didn't want her to think that's how she got out of dinner, she had to sit there in her chair (she is either strapped into a booster seat or in her high chair pulled up to the table) til we were done - with nothing to do, nothing to eat. We calmly warned her that tossing her plate would earn her what she got, and she soon realized it wasn't a good idea. If she got loud in her chair, and we couldn't ignore her, we rolled her, high chair and all, into the kitchen and told her that when she was ready to be quiet, she could be at the table with us, but until then she had to have her fit somewhere else (a standard "no audience" rule for us).

On the flip side, any time she did right (like took our warning) or was reasonable at the table, we lavish her with praise so she knows what TO do as much as what NOT to do.

Yelling often begets yelling, so sometimes (though it can be hard) it is better to talk softly when you are dealing with their behavior. My mom works with preschoolers and says that sometimes it forces them to listen when you are quieter, so I started trying that.

Hope that helps.

My little guy is also at the same place. Although we have been truly blessed and used every once of "good baby karma" on him, he still has his fits. First we have never let throwing things be a game. If he drops something on accident we will give it back to him. The second time it happens we pick it up and set it out of his reach but in his eyesight and tell him that "we don't throw things on the floor". If he is starting to dump his plate over we will take the plate away from him. Some days he still needs to use the tray with his high chair and sit just far enough away from the table so he can't push his feet off of it. If he does it during a meal in which we just put his chair at the table without his tray, we get the tray and set him just out of reach of the table and tell him why. We have never spanked him but have put him in baby time-out (nose in the corner) for 1-2 minutes. He goes willingly because he knows we mean it, so we use for the stuff that matters (hitting, biting). We giive him warnings and then we act on it. "If you do that again you will go to time out". One time he actually went to the corner on his own when I gave the warning! But we have also used the "warning" system for other things as well to help ward off tantrums such as "this is the last piece of cheese after this the cheese is all gone". We haven't read a book on this but have just followed the simple rules of being consistent, know what is truly important, say what you mean and follow through (for both rewards and consequences), and love on the little guy. It has worked for us.

When she starts to throw her food, she is probably done with eating or not hungry in the first place. Just remove the food from her so she does not mess with it and throw it all over the place and let her down to play if she is tired of sitting down for the length of dinner time. She doesn't need a spanking for that. Check to see if she is tired at that time and change the time when you eat dinner as well.

Try to look at dinnertime from a toddler's point of view. She has a tiny stomach that fills up fast, she has a compelling need to wiggle and run and throw and play (developmentally, these are her JOB at her age). Sitting at a table with the family is fine for maybe 5 minutes, then that need to MOVE kicks in. Expecting a child to sit obediently for more than a few minutes is not terribly realistic for most kids, and downright impossible for some.

You've also noticed that your child imitates at this age – another primary means of learning social "skills." She's wired to do this. So if you yell no, she takes this as you modeling appropriate behavior, and will not yet understand that you DON'T want her to imitate SOME of your behavior. It will be a couple of years before she completely sorts that out. So if you don't want her to yell, don't yell.

I'm so glad you don't want to hit her for being a normal, active child.

Setting her down to play near the table is a sane and reasonable response to this situation. Bringing a few toddler-appropriate activities to the table when she's done eating may work, too. You could try play-doh, or a few small plastic tubs so she can practice transferring water (just a little!) with a spoon or pouring, etc. Put a basket on the floor near her chair and show her how to drop or throw some small stuffed toys into the basket.

Have fun with her! She won't stay this age for long, but it will seem SO much longer if you are expecting her to behave like a four-year-old. And I've known dozens of kids, my daughter and grandson among them, who DO learn table manners just as soon as they are developmentally able. Your daughter can't do algebra yet, and she can't do polite mealtimes yet. She'll get there!