Confused - Placerville,CA

You've gotten a lot of great advice so far.
Anyone who as a third party to "sits you down" and tell you about things that are negative (you need to "protect my kids and the person I'm with is not a good person") cares enough to do so. This is more than this person doesn't care for him, etc.

PLEASE move out, keep your kids safe, keep them the priority in your life. You can date people, but please don't drag the kids along for the ride, they've already had to adjust to leaving dad, not this guy...will there be no end?

Do what YOU need to do to suppoet yourself and your kids, and make a life for you and your children. Please keep the kids out of your dating life (and not in a live-in situations agian) until you have a date set and a ring on your finger. After all, first things first! Best of luck.

1)It sounds like you are getting a LOT of feedback from sources who care about you and your kids that this guy is trouble. They can't ALL be totally off track. You said yourself that he has to change some things for it to work for you and that you had some times you were "unsure about his personality".
2) You just came out of a 14 year marriage and jumped straight into a relationship with this guy and moved in with him. (Can you say rebound?)
3) How well do you REALLY know this man? How long did you know him before you began dating? Do you know any people from his past, people that have known him for YEARS?
4) You are technically still married.

I would let this "relationship" go. You may not have been happy in your marriage, and you don't have to go back there, but you don't have to be IN a relationship at all. In fact, you are more likely to find yourself when you are NOT in a relationship. THEN you will be better able to judge what you are looking for in a relationship and who is likely to provide what you want. Give yourself some time. You are going through a lot right now and you are complicating it unnecessarily with this relationship. You may have been "lonely" in your marriage for years... but your kids have a HUGE adjustment to make now. And you need to focus on helping them through it. You can enjoy your new freedom later. There will be plenty of time.

I think that you answered your own question when you wrote "...if he finds out I want to leave I'm not sure what will happen." Do you really want to be in that kind of relationship and teach your children that's how a relationship is supposed to be? Trust me, with time you will realize that it's so much better to be happy and "alone" then with someone and be scared or miserable. It sounds like your friends dislike him for some pretty serious reasons and I would listen to what they have to say and follow your heart (which is already telling you what is right!)
Good Luck to you and your family

Who is the most important person in your life?

Who will always be in your life until you die?

What is best for you?

What is best for your children?

I am the child of divorce and it was very hard for my mother or father to bring others into our lives. If we did not like them, we felt guilty. If we did like them, when they broke up, we were devastated again.

You are walking a fine line. You need to remember this is new to all of you.

Follow your mommy brain and heart. Go to a therapist and talk it out.
I am sending you strength and peace.

There are SO many red flags about him, and which MANY people have told think so too. Because you are emotionally involved, your clarity about him is not objective. AND your 10 year old and the other kids don't have good feelings about him either.

You NEED to listen to that. Not only what you want or feel and in the end, loving this man could be a big mistake. Love... is often not the thing to go by. Especially when it comes to your kids and their safety.
You have to, consider your kids and the overall comments by other people about this man.
Protect yourself and your kids. First. That is the priority.

You said you don't know what he will do if he finds out you want to leave. Well... that sounds REALLY like a dangerous situation.

Your mind does not seem to be thinking in an objective manner... because your emotions are clouding the facts.

Loneliness is NOT a reason to stay with a man... especially if he is full of red flags... and other people are telling you to watch out about him and that he is NOT a good person. LISTEN TO THAT.

You need to get out of this relationship... or risk damage to your kids and who knows what else.

You need to be RATIONAL.
You can always find another man.... you cannot replace your children. Sacrificing your children & their well-being/happiness, for a man... a no good man... is very very very poor judgment.

all the best,
Susan

If multiple people have told you they don't trust this guy and you are having some doubts about him- I think it's wise to listen. I understand being lonely- I've been there- but you have to protect your kids.

Entering into a serious relationship after a break-up is unwise. You need time to deal with issues and reacquaint yourself with you. It's also unwise to enter into a relationship when you are desperate to be in one. That's a set up for failure and an opportunity for a predator to take advantage.

Last, being in a relationship just to avoid being lonely is selling yourself short. You deserve more. It's better to hold out. Think about what you would say to a daughter who was in your situation.

I have a 7 year old and I have not dated anyone since leaving his dad when I was pregnant. I vowed that my son came first, that he would be my life for awhile. I have gone out on a date or two but really don't see me bringing anyone into our home or moving into anyone until I've been dating for over a year and know how my son will react.
Children need time to adjust to you and dad being separated before you move on, before they can move on.
That being said, there were comments you made that brought concern to me:
My 10 year old had to confide in someone, this person said that I need to protect my kids and this person I'm with is not a good person.
If he finds out I want to leave I'm not sure what will happen.
None of my friends like him or trust him.

These are all very concerning. I'm sure the 10 year old and 8 year old would not make things up just to get rid of a guy. You're friends have been there through your divorce and before that. All these people see something that right now you don't see, maybe you do deep down and you are choosing to ignore it because you're "happy" for the first time in years. Sweet talkers and people you are waiting to change, who say they will change for you, never really do. I would leave, take time on you're own, get on you're own two feet and be there for you're boys right now. Dating can and will happen in the right time.

your first problem is that you are on the rebound and you moved in with a guy knowing him less than 6 months. You can't just move in with who ever comes in off the street no matter how he makes you feel. Moving in makes things messy. Trust what everyone says. They are all saying the same thing and think about how you may be looking at him through rose colored glasses.

Break up , move out. maybe not in that order. If only for your girls. They should always come first. I come from divorced parents and my mom remarried someone that to this day he and I don't get along. She and I didn't get along for a very long time , and I chose to live with my dad. Because of it.

It sounds to me like you are on a bit of a rebound from your marriage. That happens, but you have to think of your kids first, no matter who you date. Moving in together needs to be taken out of the picture. You need to gain some perspective and stand on your own for a bit, and your children need to be your priority.

I think it is great that you are actually taking some of what your friends are saying seriously. So many people are blind to that, and ignore their comments, and most don't have friends that are willing to be that honest. They are outside of the situation and may be able to see the bigger picture. I think you are right to move out, and if you are worried about how he will react, then you definitely need to get out of that relationship.

I would strongly suggest that you get out on your own for a while and "find" yourself. You may find out that you don't LOVE this person as much as you think you do. I was married for 15 years and when I got a divorce I hooked up with someone a few months afterwards. Long story short-it was one of the worst things I had ever done!! I eventually married him after having his child and divorced him after 2 years. I want you to think of your kids...You have lost one and are probably on the way to losing the others. Your kids will love you more then this man ever will. Get rid of the man and work on a relationship with your kids!! The man is controlling you and he's probably telling you that he is going to commit suicide if you leave. Been there and done that! Just pack up and leave when he's gone. Leave no note and do not tell him where you are going. If he does find out where you are, get a restraining order!! Love yourself and love your kids!! He wants to drive your kids away and no man is worth that. I can tell you now that he is never going to change. He knows that you are a caring person and he wants to be able to play lots of mind games on you.