Concerns of Happiness During Second Pregnancy

I think you wrote this for me. I am due in May with my 3rd. I feel exactly the same way you do. I didn't feel this way with the first two. I feel guilty expressing my feelings to people. They tell me I am blessed and yada yada! I know I am, but I can't help feeling the way you do. Just to let you know, you are not alone. You CAN afford two. don't worry about that. we have neighbors that raised 10 (yes 10, 7 are still at home) in a four bedroom, so don't worry about the room either. You'll be fine. I would hold off on the meds if you can. I'm not one to advocate meds, but that's my opinion. Just be careful once he/she does get here that you don't have any overwhelming depression. I'm sure you will be fine (as will I) Good luck. feel free to contact me if you need to talk to someone in the same boat.

Dear, dear S. C.
Please know that all that you are feeling during this second pregnancy is truly normal. When I had my first child I took so many pictures of this beautiful baby that it was sinful plus all of those first mother things we do. But, when my second child came along a year later I had none of those desires. It was not that I loved the second child any less but realize that your body goes through so many changes in the child birth process and there is still healing that is taking place from the first birth. Be gentle and kind do yourself and do not over exaggerate the issues. Of course your going to have good days and not so good days. My suggestion is that you get your priorities in order that enable you to get the rest you need, especially while preganant, but even after the baby comes good planning is key to organizing your life. Remember God has entrusted you with with His most important treasure and it is your responsiblity to raise these babies to the best of your ability. Remember S. you are only one person and you can't do it all and raising your babies is so very important. Love is better than things...Give your babies the love they desire and be patient and kind to S. the new mommy. I agree with you about the antidepressant just trust in the Lord and hang in there....It will get better, just relish those beautiful babies because they grow up so fast. Enjoy, don't make it a drudgery but a joy...

Hi S.,

You received a lot of good advice in the other postings.

When my first, my son, was born, I fell in love like I never knew existed. While I worked full time, every other moment was spent with my son. Everything revolved around my son. Two years later I was pregnant again -- planned. Along with all of the other worries about finances, space, work schedule, etc. I had a worry in the pit of my stomach that I would not be able to love my second child as much as my first. I didn't tell anyone, not even my husband, because I thought I would sound like an unfit mom. I finally confessed to my mom who told me to just care for my second child and the love will come. After my daughter was born, I fell in love all over again.

My point is to focus on the things you need to and try to just accept that not everything will be perfect. But make them the best that you can. Things will work out because they have to.

As to whether you should take the antidepressant, that is a personal decision and only you can make it. If your issues are mostly to do with stress and worry, then you need to tackle the issues.

Best to you and your growing family.

S.,
I think then we have our first baby that an important principle i at work: Ignorance is Bliss!
After all, first time moms THINK they know what to expect but then quickly find out WHAT the reality of having a child means after birth--physically, emotionally, financially, etc. Perhaps you are just having a more "realistic" view of the logistics of having another child. There's nothing wrong with being practical and realistic.
Try to recruit your husband and work to get rid of all and any extra stuff that is loading down your home. Lots of people make a small house work, even with multiple kids, and getting a bigger space is not always the answer. Your time would be better spent getting RID of any extra, duplicate, unnecessary, impractical and unwanted items.
Really, if you think about all the junk and gear that is deemed "necessary" these days, it is ridiculous! Our parents/grandparents managed to care for infants with very very little.
Hopefully, as your pregnancy progresses, your symptoms will lessen and you will feel better physically. Hopefully that fact, combined with some newfound space will lessen your anxiety. Hope you feel better in all ways soon.
After all, even taking into consideration the demands of children, they are worth the wait, the work, the lack of sleep and everything else!
Good luck to you and God Bless.

Hi S.....Oh my, you are so normal you shouldn't even worry about it. When I was pregnant with our second and third (all three planned) I went through all this too!! To be honest I never liked being pregnant. I was so worried about everything I couldn't relax or enjoy anything until the baby was in my arms...then everything just seemed to work out somehow. Try to work on your journal, but instead of fighting yourself to write all the wonderful stuff why don't you use your journal to purge out all your fears and worries? Sometimes just writing them down and looking at them helps put them into perspective and get rid of them. If you don't want to journal them then just write them all down in letter form and then tear them up! As Mom's we all take on the weight of the world...and our families! Take some time off for yourself...lay on the floor and play with your son, go for a quiet walk in the fresh fall air, get out into the sunshine! IT does all work out in the end! Best wishes.

I think this sounds completely normal, especially with the pressures of already having one to take care of and adding another. Plus a more difficult pregnancy, etc. You may want to consider checking out consciousmotherhood.com. It's a great site with a really good message board. Just "talking" about how you're feeling with women who are going through the same kinds of things, may help.

Hi S.,

I think we are twins...I'm due in May with my 2nd and had all the yuckiness that you described. I too have a small house and the final worries that you do. My first child is only a couple months older than yours.

I just want to say, relax. Don't feel pressure to feel anything. Whatever you are feeling is normal. I work full time and keep my son in day care. I'm leaving my job when the baby comes and have a plan in my mind, but nothing firm. You make it work with two children. My sister lived in a trailer with her husband and 4 kids. She stayed home and he worked in a lumber yard. They struggled but they made it. When you make the decision to have kids you can't expect to have the same lifestyle as before. I guess that God gave us 9 months o work these things through in our heads before the little ones arrive. I trust that you will be just fine and stay off the pills, just place your hands on your belly and talk to your little one inside your mind. Find a minute for yourself, I choose that time after I turn out the lights and am laying in bed to "talk" with my baby inside my mind. It makes me feel better. And the journal, some people are just better at that stuff than others. I personally am not good at it. Even with the first one I was a total journal slacker. Just take alot of pictures and jot down milestones - like when you first heard the heartbeat or when you felt the baby move or how sick you were. But just relax more than anything and trust it will all work out.

I hope your husband is supportive, you didn't say but I assume he is. Lean on each other.

Take care,
J.

ps - hey we're in the same boat so you can write me anytime you feel down in the dumps. Maybe I can cheer you up. You are not alone at least. And if you tell me your due date is May 7th then that would really be weird!

Personally, I think it's totally normal. Every pregnancy is different. I have 4 kids, none of which were planned. The last one, which came at the best time for us, financial and house wise, I cried all thru the beginning, fears of my health, the babies health, money, time, sanity, my age ( I was 36, had my 1st at 19 ). It took some time, but with support from my husband, friends and family and lots of prayer, I am now a mother of 4 great kids. Yes, life is stressful many days, but there are those moments when you just smile and know you are exactly where God wants you to be. When we only had the first two, we lived in a very small, 2 bedroom duplex and had a dog, lol. Things were def tight, but you do someone survive. We have turned our 3 bedroom ranch into a 4 bedroom, used the downstairs game room, put up a wall for my oldest to have his room,and now my 13 yr old has the other half of the gameroom for his room, no walls for him, but he seems ok with it. It was actually his idea, so he didnt have to share a room with the baby, lol. Somehow, someway, you figure out how to manage. Try not to sweat the small stuff, the stuff you can't change anyway, and find the goodness in each day, one day at a time.

God Bless you.

I know this is dumb but i felt so pampered and showered with attention during my first pregnancy and totally ignored and yucky with my second. I'm still a little mad my sister and other extended family didn't send gifts, cards, meals etc with the second. It isn't the materialism just the excitement and wanting to share and welcoming the new babe into the world. Didn't help that my second was born in the middle of a snow storm in January, I guess.
I wouldn't want the antidepressant either. Here is my suggestion, sometimes it's hard, but ask for what you need. Ask hubby for help with the older so you can have 5 mins to journal. or figure a way to get the money to freshen up the nursery (opps 2 bedroom house??) new crib sheets?? If you are crafty ask friends or family over to work on a baby craft together, knitting or sewing or rubber stamping designs for baby announcements or something. Go shopping at the thrift stores for a new baby outfit, you can find beautiful practically new clothes so cheap.
Best of luck to you and your family.

You are fine. The doc is right -- but I agree with you. I would avoid medication as much as possible during pregnancy. Wise choices. And, funny, isn't it, how the doctor tells us we're okay, but we check with "normal average everyday people to be sure he's right ?

My sister had 5 kids, and #2 landed her on the couch sick as a dog thru the whole pregnancy. #'s 1, 3,4 and 5 were much better. sometimes it just happens that way.

My 2nd pregnancy was my very best.

So, are you taking pre-natal vitamins ? (I assume so) Remember that our bodies and brains are VERY busy during pregnancy. they are buildinga baby. I swear, the brain itself, turns inside out, and is looking at the body it's building, rather than helping us cope with the world at large during pregnancy. So we get forgetful, we don't concetrate on stuff the way we are capable of when we aren't pregnant . . . . the brain is "busy".

and we're tired, because our bodies are busy bulidng babies. You are also taking care of a 21 month old son, it sounds like you are working (day care concerns) AND you are building a baby, AND worrying about whether or not you can really afford to do this -- especially in today's world that sounds really scary if you watch the news.

So, turn off the TV. The stock market and major financial markets are screwed up, but the economies in certain areas of the country are doing just fine. I live in the Erie, PA area, and our unemployment rate is way down compared to the past few years, so we are amazingly unscathed, as long as we don't look at our 401(K) plans. :-) Avoid looking at things like that.

As you prepare for baby #2, look at your debt situation. And your budget. Use the time between now and then to build an emergency savings account of $1,000.00, so car repairs and stuff won't blindside you. Once you get there, focus on the credit card debt and work really hard to clean it up. Nothing robs the family budget more easily than leaving balances on the cards and paying interest every month. Pretend you are already paying daycare for 2, and use the amount of daycare cost to do the emergency fund and the credit cards. Get used to living on less so you won't notice it when the new one comes along.

If you take steps to work out the issues your brain is worrying about, the anxiety will go away. There is nothing like being proactive and tackling a problem to get us to stop worrying about it. Once we are actively solving it, then we fell a whole lot better.

It's also Nov and Dec. here -- times when people often get depressed, heating bills begin, darkness settles in (in the north anyway), and then there's the S-word, and snow (if you live in the right places) can also make life tough depending on the day.

I think you're doing great -- you are feeling horrible, yes, but you shared it with your doctor, a good step, and you also shared with the gang here, and you'll get some great responses from women who have been there done that.

And you know what ? It's only 9 months. (yeah, I know, it FEELS like forever) You'll probably live to be around 85, so you will have lived for 1,020 months. These 9 don't even count as 1% of your lifetime. And right now, you're building a baby. Try to keep your nutrition up, get moderate exercise (walks and stuff) as you can, and try to get as much rest as you need to. Tackle some of the money isues so you feel better about copoing with them.

And enjoy your son's last few months of being an only child. You're going to get through this, and you guys will cope with having less spending money because having this baby is what you both wanted to do. You'll be okay. Really !!

S.,

I had a very similar experience with my second pregnancy. I was so depressed. I felt very overwhelmed and alone. My husband and I both lost our mothers to cancer and I felt as though we had no one to help us. Our siblings were too busy with their own lives and we had grown apart from most of our friends. It got progressively worse throughout my pregnancy. The negative feelings started to scare me that maybe something wasn't right with the pregnancy. I was also nervous because I read that woman who have these feelings during pregnancy are more inclined to feel depressed afterwards.

I finally spoke to my husband about the fact that I thought something was really wrong. He said that he was glad I finally said something because he had planned to speak to my doctor directly. I spoke to my doctor who recommended a counselor and if that didn't work than anti-depressants. I also spoke to my family. My sisters had no idea of the stress and sadness that I was feeling. I started getting visitors and phone calls and honestly, started feeling better. In the end I had a beautiful, healthy baby girl. I didn't have ANY of the depression and sadness after the birth.

I also decided at age 35 to have a 3rd child (due in March) and I have none of the depressed feelings of the second pregnancy. I think sometimes pregnancy and life just collide and overwhelm us. You need to surround yourself with support.

All the best!
K.

I never had a pregnancy where i could write in a journal...i had morning sickness/fatigue for 9 months :( I have a theory (just a theory) girl pregnancies are the no fun ones!! Don't worry, everything will be ok.

I think a lot of what you're describing is normal, as many others have mentioned. However, I will also say that you know yourself best, and sometimes it may be necessary to turn to antidepressants for help. I've had three girls, and all the pregnancies were somewhat difficult - morning sickness, fatigue, many contractions with the last, etc. So physically they were all tough, and I did worry about being able to handle the needs of each one. However, with my second, things were different and I was truly depressed. I had to really force myself to even play with my older daughter (who was 21 months when the 2nd was born) and had lost all interest in most everything. I didn't even want to get out of bed, and not just because I was tired and nauseous. Anyway, I did end up talking to my OB about it and starting on a low dose of zoloft, which helped a lot. I still had the physical symptoms and some natural anxiety and worries, but I was much more able to function and felt better about life in general. Many women do experience this depression, even while pregnant (and not just postpartum). In my case, I continued taking the zoloft for maybe 6 weeks or so after my second was born and was then able to stop taking it with no problem. And my daughter was perfectly healthy, just like my other daughters.

I'm not sure whether you are really depressed or just experiencing normal reactions to a subsequent pregnancy since I can't really know what you're going through. However, I did want you to know that sometimes you might need medical help, and that if you do that's OK too. Hang in there and best of luck!

I felt the same way with my second, she made me so sick and my body ached the whole time. Things will look up, you have a way to go yet. I will say that I agree with Tracy, girls are definitely the harder pregnancies, they take a toll on you. I have been told that they take everything from you, (I was told my beauty, I did break out alot),but after you have them it all returns. Good luck and congratulations!

Hey hang in there. I have only been pregnant once and I HATED IT. I was nauseous for 4 1/2 months and had a lot of trouble sleeping. I was convinced during the first trimester that I would never have kids again, but of course, we're talking baout the second. It sounds normal to me, hang in there, you can do this.

I think its totally normal, people just don't usually talk about it b/c they think they are supposed to be happy & joyful. I hate being pregnant. I love my children, but hate pregnancy. You are normal.

Hi Sweety, I don't have any advice to offer. I can tell that my boys were both winter boys, one born in Feb, the other in March. I drafted the help of my hubby who was great at always encouraging me away from my depressing thoughts that krept up quite often with my second. I work in the field of Psych. Your thought of considering to take meds is PERFECTLY normal. Remember, your physician is not going to give you anything to endanger you or baby. Meds are meant to help, not hurt, either of you. I've sat in counsel on both sides with people who it's benefited and with people who have opt'd not to go with med's; it's up to you. Remember, your mood is reflected in your comfort/stress in carrying your baby. Be pleased with whatever you and your husband's decision is, not the masses.
Best wishes and congrats on your blessing!

Hi S.

You are totally normal: Here is my theory:

While pregnant with the first you are completely able to concentrate on yourself and your little baby. It is such a magical time filled with such hope and expectation. With your second child you already know the "secrets" of motherhood that you were merely anticipating and imagining with the first. I hate to say it but some of the magic is just gone. And truly...I even felt that way after bringing my second child home. Of course it was great and I loved him with all my heart but it just didn't feel the same as the first. I have to admit it bummed me out a little at first. I felt SO guilty about it. Now looking back four years later I can put it into perspective but it truly was disturbing at the time.

Also-you are now pregnant and caring for a toddler!!!! That is HARD! I remember how tough that was. I was extremely sick as well with my second. I remember just wanting to crawl into bed and sleep but having to play "Thomas" with my two year old. Exausting and anything but magical. That is just the reality of it.

It is all going to work out for you...you just have to get through the next couple months. If you have someone to watch your other child I would suggest having him go for an overnight and the whole next day just to give yourself a chance to recharge and get organized for whats coming up. Sounds like you have a small house...small spaces are so much more manageable when everything is organized and pared down.

Good luck to you!

As so many others have said, this is completely normal!!! I would not want the antidepressants either. I think they are way over prescribed for normal feelings. I would reccomend getting around other moms more. Join a mom's playgroup or MOPS, or something like that. If there is an expectant mom's group around you that would be perfect. Just having someone to talk to (in person, not over the phone or internet) about how you feel might make all the difference in the world.

I can relate. I am pregnant with my 3rd child, due June 2009. With all 3 of my pregnancy's I have been very sick. I am sick 24 hours a day for the first 5-6 months. You might not want to journal everyday, but if you don't at least once a week you might regret it later. Everyone has the same concerns. I know I do. We out grew our 3 bedroom house(very small)years ago. How are we possibly going to accommodate one more. Just remember, thinks will work out some how, they always do. Antidepressants are sometimes the best thing in the world. So take your time and don't be so quick to rule them out. Good Luck.

I had similar issues - baby one was the easiest pregnancy in the world (I didn't stop doing anything I enjoyed - dance class right up until a month before he was born , etc.)

baby two ENTIRELY different story - I was sick the whole pregnancy (I think I had 4 days I didn't get sick). I actually lost 17 pound from week 3 - the end. She was born and all of those yucky feelings vanished. I was told there are distinct differences between pregnancies - but this was CRAZY!!

I also worried about being able to love 2 little people as much as I love my son, the second I laid my eyes on my daughter, I knew I was being silly.

best wishes =O}

Every pregnancy can result in new and different responses from your body as well as your mind. With my first daughter, I hated every minute of my pregnancy. I was a miserable wreck, crying one minute, sick the next, filled with anxiety about being a mother. Honestly, its a wonder I had two more! (each better and worse in their own ways). In short, your feelings are VERY normal! In my opinion, doctors are far too quick to prescribe depression medication!