Childs Fears About Being Replaced by Baby

When I was pregnant with my second daughter, I felt the same way. I was worried that she thought we wouldnt love her as much. So, we told her that we were all having a baby. I made her feel like she was just as much a part of it as us parents. There were a few days after the baby came home when she acted out for more attention, but now she always says sweet things like "we have the best baby" and "Im glad we have this baby".

L.,

I think all children feel this at some point, though some don't vocalize it. Before new babies came to our home, we got books called "I'm a big sister (brother) now." (There are both versions in print and Amazon.com carries them.) It is very well done. After a new baby came, I regularly took the big kids out on a "big kid only" date while the baby slept at home with dad. I reinforced that this was only for big kids, the baby was too little to come.

Reassure your daughter with positives, but don't mention things like "I could never trade you or replace you" because it could keep the ideas in her head.

We also have a family tradition of a "we're going to have a baby" party with balloons, cake, party favors, the works and the big kids plan it. We call the baby "our" baby (not mom and dad's) and have special presents waiting for the big kids at the hospital when they come to visit. We involve our children as much as they want to be involved with the preparation process and all of our children have adjusted well, thankfully. I also tell them the story of when we learned that they were coming to our family, how excited we were, and how we had a party for them, too.

Best wishes,
S.

There are a few good books...one is from Barney and the other is from the Arthur PBS Series. I have three - 2,3, and 7. What worked for me was the "big brother" factor. I explained that mommy would be needing more help with the baby and that the baby would be looking up to him since he was the oldest. I also let my son feel when the baby was kicking, and my husband and I would ask for input on little things..."do you think your baby brother would like this blanket or that one?" Befor long he was telling everyone that it was HIS baby and that I would be helping him take care of his brother!

My boy was 2y 9mo. when my second boy was born now 7mo. As soon as my tummy started showing I started telling my boy about the new baby. I would let him buy little ites for the baby like toys. Show him books and magazines with baby pictures. I also showed him exitement when mentioning he was going to be the big brother. He took things pretty well while we waited for the baby he was exited. But it will be a totally different story when the baby actually gets here. Well at least in my part. He was potty trained when he was 2 but as soon as the baby was born he started peen on his pants for a whole week. I got him more involved with the baby and he did fine after that a week or so. Good luck and congratulations in your baby. Your girl will do fine.

When I was pregnant with my second child, my first child did almost the same thing. I just kept reassuring him that he was not being replaced and that mommy would always love him. I also would tell him that he would need to help mommy with the new baby and that he was going to be so special cause he was going to be the big brother and his baby brother needed him so much. So by the time the new baby was born my oldest was so excited cause he knew what he had to do and that he was the big brother and the baby needed him so much. But there are alot of books about having a new baby. You just need to see which ones you like the best.

my son was 2 years 2 mos. when my daughter was born. Before she was born we talked about babies, read big brother books and watched an elmo video called babies, dogs and more. This helped tremendously, at the time my husband and I both traveled and he was in school three days a week. We also moved to a new city so it was a lot of stress but my son took it in stride, hes an easy going kid though. I would also reccomend taking the big brother/sister tour at a local hospital. While Nate was the youngest there he did absorb alot of info and was very interested to see life like baby dolls and the babies in the nursy.

Most of all we emphasised that our daughter was OUR and his baby and part of OUR family just like he is and that he could help take care of her.

So far he has been agreat big brother. There is some rivalry but mostly becaues she wants to keep up with him. His only real regression was shorl lived after he realized it wasnt much fun to be a baby because they really dont do anything.

Anyhow I hope this helps. Good luck with your daughter and your baby.

What everyone has written is great advice. When my second son was born, we started telling my older son that when he doesn't see me/my husband, to put his hand on his chest and feel the beat of his heart. Mummy and Daddy are always with him, in his heart. One day, going to pre-k, he got out of the car, turned and yelled "you're in my heart!". He would do that off and on through 1st grade, and every time my heart would swell and tears would come to my eyes. Reassure your baby girl, hug on her, tell her she will always be your baby. Make a code word or phrase that is just your families, and repeat it and repeat it to her so she has something to cling to when the world goes crazy, and the baby is crying!

Maybe get some movies that she can relate to about being a big sister. Something that she can see that will reassure her that she is there for good. Just interact her with your belly more. Make it sound exciting and fun whe you talk about the baby. Tell her how much she is gonna enjoy being a big sister. Tell her the things she will be able to do. Maybe try and locate some local moms with little babies so she can interact with them.

Hi L., it could just be the age of your daughter. Mine did that at that age and I wasn't pregnant. However I did just have a baby 5 weeks ago and my son is now a little over 3. He didn't seem to have a problem when I was pregnant and I never hid the fact that I was pregnant from him. I involved him in the pregnancy as much as possible. We bought things for the baby together and he picked out stuff and helped me wash the clothes and things. I always referred to the baby as "our baby" or "your little brother", never as "my baby." He's fine now that the baby is here as well, though there are some times of jealousy, but that is to be expected. You will get through it, I remember the whole time I was pregnant I wondered how I could love another child as much as him, and how would I show the new child as much love as him without him feeling replaced. It all works out and he doesn't feel replaced. I involve him as much as possible in my baby's care and it is evident that he loves his little brother. Congratulations.

I know that my experience was a tad different b/c my boys are 15 months apart. But, my oldest, Bryan, had a rought time adjusting. He wasn't quite a talker when Brandon was born, but you could see it in their eyes. We got him excited about the new baby, he got to hold mommy's tummy and go to the dr to see the baby on the ultrasound. Because Brandon was premature, Bryan was not able to 'hold' him right away, but once Brandon was home, when we played, we played together...and at 15 months, he was a big help. Make her feel important, like she is a big girl, and you need her to help...getting a diaper, finding the pacificer, playing peek-a-boo to stop the crying. I know right now for you, you feel helpless. But she's honestly just scared, she doesn't know exactly what's going on. Just a lot of reassurance, lots of hugs, and try to involve her so she feels a part of the entire process....Good luck and God Bless!

I have three girls... and with each one of them I make sure that they understand that each is special to me for a very specific reason. Like.. my oldest... I tell her things like, "do you know that you will always be MY FIRST baby??? MY FIRST!! How special is that??" She is ten and when she writes me letters or signs cards, she always signs "your first baby".
With the middle I tell her that she is so special because she is in a place that niether of her sisters will ever be...she BOTH a big sister and a little sister... and the baby, well she's the baby. And you know the youngest will always be the 'baby'... I'm 35 and my Mom still introduces me as 'the baby'! hahaha...She'll be fine, just remember to spend one on one time with her and involve her in the pregnancy as much as possible!

L., it sounds like your daughter is very smart and is confident enough in your love to ask these questions! It would be more of a concern if she was becoming withdrawn and keeping all of these fears inside her. Remember a toddlers brain is very cut and dry. Either she understands or she doesn't, and until she does just keep answering her questions and being as loving as you are day by day. It might help to visit friends with multiple kids, and give her special tasks where the baby is concerned, like picking out a picture for the nursery just from the big sis. I don't know of any good books but if you do let me know, I have a 14 month old girl and I'm expecting in Feb! We may be experiencing some of these fears too but my girl is just too young to express it in words. Hope this helps!! Liz E.

I think you are doing the right thing by talking to her and reasurring her. Just keep doing that, and as the delivery date gets closer you can even talk to her about how important her job is going to be as a big sister and how special that makes her. Make sure when the baby does come you really do take time to focus lots of attention on her and maybe even some big sister gifts (since the new baby will most likely get some gifts). It's normal for her to have these thoughts. She sounds like a bright little girl!! There's also great children's books out there about mommy having a baby and becoming a big sister, and even some videos like Big Sister Dora. It's all going to be fine. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

My daughter is 3 and although there is no new baby in the picture, we did just move and she reacts the same way when going to the sitter. I have to tell her that I will come get her and that I will always come get her. Like you, my husband and I are fortunate that we can spend a lot of time with her so we were also surprised by her sudden fears of being left (she has never even spent a night away from me!). I think it is about change...your smart child knows change is coming and does not know how it will affect her so I think there has been some great advice on how to make her feel included so that she feels like she is part of the change instead of feeling like it is happening without her.

With all my kids, we watched the baby shows on TLC...cheered when the babies came and I answered all their questions about the mommy and labor. In my opinion, even at your daughter's age it is wonderful to involve them in every aspect. Even delivery. I always had someone that could be there just for my kids. If my kids wanted to leave that was their choice. None ever did. They were there to be the first to hold their brother or sister.I really credit watching the shows together as a big help. Hospitals have sibling classes. Birthing classes were family events for us as were every sonogram appointment. Libraries are excellent sources for books and videos. Make a Big Sister shirt and tote bag to take her favorite toys, books, crayons, and movies to the hospital. (Michael's will usually have tshirts and canvas tote bags pretty cheap) With my youngest, she was 1 when her sister came, I played with her baby dolls and fed them and hugged them-just to show her how to hold baby and we changed it's diaper...just things like that. I got her a baby chou chou doll, she cries, and goos and laughs. You have to do something to the doll (feed it, burp it rock it)for it to stop crying.

I know 2 1/2 seems young to be in the room when you have the baby, and by all means it should be your choice, you know your daughter best. You might even ask her. If you do decide to, tell your OB, as long as your OB agrees, the hospital will allow it.

I remember being taken to my grandparents when my brother was born and then when he was sick. I never wanted my kids to feel left out. It was great for our family but doesn't mean it would work for all families.
oh and most Libraries have online catalogs and you can search for books (just quicker to me) and videos.

Congrats! Good luck!

Sounds like you are doing everything right. Just keep talking to her maybe she needs to hear talk about the baby. There are hundreds of books out there but most of let her pick up a baby item or two that she picks out for her new sibling. It doesn't have to be much a bath toy or towel or onezie, anything to make her feel part of the new beat in your household.