Ill try to sum it up....I have an 11 yr whom I had at 17 in 2001. I took the dad to court 2 yrs later(he didnt show up) and he was ordered to pay $1100/month (he was making real good money then). When I left the court I was unsure as to what I had to do next, if I had to file any papers or ??? i was lost and didn't do anything. this was in 2002......he has never payed a penny of that $ to me, and he stopped seeing my daughter in 2005 although he knws where to find us. I don't know if there is an actual order, all i have is a paper with the minutes from the court where it states that he has to pay $1100 a month, but it is not an order, i think. I am now married and have 3 more daughters with my husband of 7 yrs. My husband says we should just let all that go and forget about that child support, he fears that if we persue child support my ex will persue custody of her, me on the other hand I think my daughter is owed this $ and just last month I went online and looked up my case, i found none and so i filed a new one. My husband has no idea. What do ya'll think I should do, persue the child support, or leave things as they are? i feel robbed, cheated and honestly quite angry that he altered my 17 y/o life in such a big way and just walked away.....without any responsibilities.
Ok friends let me clarify something. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that we both created our child, (some of you seem to think that i've excluded myself from the ecuation, putting all blame on him, not the case) When I say he "altered" my life I'm reffering to him walking out on us, leaving me to be the sole provider of our baby and leaving me to deal with all the responsibilities we were supposed to share. When I took him to court I was scared and extremely intimidated by the whole process. I had never in my life been involved in any court case(neither had anyone in my family) and had no idea what I was doing,literally NO IDEA, I went in alone and again pretty much behind my family's back because they all thought I should just "leave him alone" and let him live his life and and forget his responsibilities and take care of it myself. When i walked out of the courtroom I asked what I should no next and was so confused by all they told me to do, court terminology is not the easiest to understand, that I tried what they told me and was turned away numerous times saying I was at the wrong place and that I should have been given instructions by the judge, I was so lost and confused. I honestly thought I was going to start recieving things in the mail, but nothing came. At this time I was working 3 waitressing jobs at Dennys and made enough to support myself and my daughter without anyone's help.(Dawn-no my family did not suppoort me or my child, I've always been a HARD worker) and And so I kept this up for 2 years until i met my current husband and that's when he suggested we forget about the whole support deal . Yes $1100 is ALOT of money for a 19 y/o but the thought of having to try and figure out all this court stuff on my own again was again very intimidating and I just went on with my life, especially now that I was in a new relationship.. This man used many different fake names and I think he fooled the system. He never worked with his real name, always with a fake name and so I wonder if this is why he wasn't held accountable? but then again I wonder if there was something i was supposed to do after my court date so that they WOULD enforce, i just don't know.
About my husband....he is a wonderful husband and father. I feel really bad about doing this without his knowledge, but I also feel that he's being a "guy" not wanting to accept this support. I have tried bringing this up in the past and I always get the same reaction "we don't need him, he can keep his money and raise his new wives 4 kids with it" My husband and I both makes great money, we do not need it, but i feel entittled to it. why you may ask? because for the last 9 yrs Ive paid medical bills, daycare, food , clothing,housing, sylvan, ect ect ect all on my own. Why shouldn't he be responsible for half? I really don't care if I get all he owes, whatever money is collected would go in an account for my daughter.I never told him he could no longer see her, he just stopped because he wanted to so it's not like I want to keep him from seeing her and still collect money from him, or have my cake and eat it to as DAWN put it. Like I said he knows where to find us, however he moved from his last home and disconnected his phone so I don't have a way of contacting him.
I'm generally a big fan of men paying to support the children they create.
Visitation and support are two separate issues. Completely.
He may be mistakenly of the view that since he doesn't "see" her, he doesn't have to support her.
If I didn't "need" the money, I'd be banking it for college.
You dropped the ball. I';d pick it up for her sake.
Good luck.
First off I think that's really under-handed of you to do that without your husband's knowledge. He is the only father your 11-year-old has, and he should have a say as to whether her bio-dad is pursued for child support or not. Imagine how he feels about this. HE has been caring for her, and you want to pursue someone who walked out on her. I imagine it's an insult to your husband's ability as provider. I think it's really damaging for you to do that to him.
That said, no, I think that you should leave it alone, don't pursue it. Your daughter knows who her father is, even if she does have to deal with the fact that her bio-dad walked out on her. There's no reason to risk him coming in & out of her life & causing her more pain. That would be utterly selfish to do.
I realize that you feel "robbed, cheated and honestly quite angry" that he altered your life, but you were half of that when you two created this baby, mom. And instead of finding out how to implement that $1100 court order, you did nothing. I assume someone else was helping support you and your child (your parents?)
A lot of time has gone by for you to be feeling robbed and cheated. There were several choices you could have made 11 years ago. You allowed him to leave you with all the responsibility. And you ARE responsible for THAT. You should have at least as much irritation with yourself as you do with him.
There is probably no chance in heck that you are going to NOW get 11 years worth of child support back payments from this man. He'd be happy to pay people to testify that you are a mass murderer in order to get out of it.
You should go talk to a lawyer and get some straight up advice about what he or she thinks you can honestly expect. And then decide if you want to try. Having some hard explanations from the attorney should be done before you go to your husband. You haven't exactly been forthcoming with him about this, since you went behind his back in going to court.
Part of all of this is taking responsibility for the part you played in this. It could be that the court would tell him to start paying child support NOW. But you will also probably have to let her start seeing him, and THAT might start the ball rolling to him trying to get shared custody. THAT is what your husband doesn't want to happen.
Bottom line, you usually can't have your cake and eat it too.
Good luck,
Dawn
So you have a declaration that he was supposed to pay you $1100 per month and you did nothing with it? At 19, $1100 didn't mean enough to you that you started asking the court questions about what to do next? I'm sorry, but this just doesn't make sense to me.
are you not happy now...
Yes you life was bad at one point in time but like your husband says it is over and done with...MOVE ON!
Yes so many say he needs to pay...blah.blah.blah it's been 11 years and you sound like you are in a happy relationship...you should leave it be...
Your ex could try for custody, but since he has been out of her life since 2005, I'm thinking he won't win that one!
Yes, she deserves the money. If anything, you could put that money in an account for college, if your husband didn't want to actually use it.
You need to talk to your husband. You should not be doing any of this behind his back.
Before you do anything, be sure you are doing this for the right reasons. Yes, he altered your life, but is that enough reason to possible alter your daughter's?
First, you need to not do this behind your husband's back. Second, you should speak with an attorney.
If it was a court order and he has not paid anything the state should be going after him. Yes your daughter is due this money...
However and not what you want to hear but he was not the only one who altered your life...you did too!
Talk with an attorney, and then talk with your husband. This is your daughter's owed money - not yours or your husbands.
I believe that if you don't NEED the money, you should still accept it and put in an account for your daughter. Typically when you go to court and child support is ordered, it is stated in an order who he has to pay it to (you or division of child support). Can't believe you waited this long to check on it.
Since you have already filed in court again, I would definately follow through now. Since he hasn't paid anything and hasn't been in her life, I can't imagine he would be award custody especially since your daughter is old enough to tell the judge what she wants.
AFTER READING YOUR SO WHAT HAPPENED:
Unless you level with your husband......"I THINK YOU MAY BE HEADED FOR DIVORCE NUMBER TWO"....So it's wonderful that you BOTH make great money!
I think you may be in for divorce number two.
Your first child's father should be paying child support and keep in mind there is NO statute of limitations on child support.
However, by going behind your present husband's back, you are jeopardising your relationship and perhaps marriage.
Is your huband unable to support your family adequately? If he left, would he be a responsible father? Would you have a fight over child custody?
If that paper was filed with the court it should be a court order. What you really need to do is retain an attorney. Only an attorney can properly advise you.
That's $132,000-last time I checked-that's a boat load of money-and like four yrs of college at some schools-call Child Support Enforcement in your area and see what can be done.
I say, do what your gut says. AND, you are right, he owes you and your child. SO WHAT if it opens the communication lines between your daughter and himself. It's her father, no matter what. No matter if he didn't pay child support. EVERY child deserves to have their father in their life. Especially now that she is old enough to decide whether she wants to see him or not.
If he is doing wrong by using different names, then all you can do is let the authorities know the names he does go by. It's illegal, so if they catch him, that would be a sure way of getting that money or at least finding him. Maybe.
Your husband should understand your feelings (or at least pretend), this is not his battle, and you need to do it, if anything to show your daughter that you fight for what you want.
Have you talked to your daughter about it? Does she want you to pursue?
He shouldn't be able to get away with it. Period.
Oh, I don't think he would EVER get full custody, she may go to his house for weekends and some holidays.....but never full custody.
Good luck!
You have a piece of paper, a document, issued by the court stating that your child's father had to pay your daughter $1100 per month for child support. That, my dear, is a court order. Your child's father has been violating that court order for 11 years. $1100 X 12 months X 9 years = $118,800 that he owes in back child support. That money belongs to your daughter toward her care, her education, etc.
Custody and child support are two separate issues. It's not a situation where "If a parent pays child support then that entitles them to custody." Being her father and his wish to pursue a relationship with her would entitle him to custody or at least visitation even if he never, ever pays a penny of child support. Just so we're clear.
I think it's a really bad idea to go behind your husband's back on this. It's dishonest and secretive, and there's no reason for it. You don't need his permission to pursue the child support for your eldest daughter because it's for her benefit UNLESS your daughter's father legally gave up parental rights through the courts and your current husband adopted this daughter. That's another avenue you could take, by the way. You would have to provide appropriate notification to your eldest daughter's father to get the process moving if your husband is willing to adopt her, if she's willing to be adopted by him, if you're willing to have him adopt her, etc.
But if you keep this a secret, you risk losing a lot of trust in your marriage and doing a lot of damage. Remind him that while you guys may not "need" the money, it will be an investment in the girl's future. It's HER money. Put it in the bank. Pay for her college with it. Pay for her wedding or a down payment on a house. Put it into a revocable trust to do whatever she wants with it when she turns 25. Let it earn money in there. It will help her make a good start on her life when she's starting out and needs the money, and it will be HER money.
Wow, I am amazed by the responses. They all seem to be attacking you for not pursuing money.
My first thought was, wow, what an amazing man you have in your life. He views your family as one unit... your daughter as his own. He does not want to invite trouble into your lives or fragment that unit by inviting this man (who hurt you and your daughter) back into your lives.
The money will inevitably come with a price. It will reopen old wounds and though your ex may not get custody, he will likely get visitation. Is that a good or a bad thing? Hard to say. Will your daughter be delighted or horrified to spend time with a man who has never claimed her before? She will soon be a budding young woman... does it come at a good time? Will he behave as a father or a scoundrel? Will he be so bitter about the money that he will make you pay by hurting her emotionally? What will that do to you, your other daughters, your husband? It could be Pandora's box.
But you know best what your financial needs are and if it is time to tackle the emotional aspects of this hurt. You will have to tackle them at some point. It would be nice if your daughter had a therapist to help her through the emotions of abandonment before she meets her bio dad.
Wishing you and your beautiful family all the best.
He is wrong. This is her money and she has a right to it.
I feel the your daughter's bio dad should definitely contribute to her care. Don't keep your pursuit of this a secret from your husband though. Best wishes.
You need to talk to an attorney and show they the papers you go from the court and see what needs to be done. If there was a court order they can go out of him. If you don't do that I would see about signing his rights away~!
Hi there, my question back to you is why would you want the money? It will open up the lines of communication between your child and your ex. Do you want that. Does your current husband NOT support this child of yours or is he treating her differently? Are your other children treating her differently? Do you hate this ex or do you still have feelings for him that you want him back into your lives? My first borns father left us when he was 8 months old. My divorce papers said that he, my ex was supposed to pay $250 per month. We NEVER saw him or heard from him 2 months after the divorce was finalized and he found out I was with my current husband. My husband has raised my son like his own and through good times and bad, this is his dad not my ex. My son is 23 and it wasn't until his last birthday that my ex finally reached out to my son because he was dying. Technically he owes him $50,000 but in the end he paid the biggest debt, he missed out in his life. Do amount of money can change that. My ex died 3 months ago and my son was in his will but still may never see anything. I am good with that and so is he because my son NEVER was in need for anything. Seriously ask yourself if it is about you or your child. Money does not buy happiness or revenge.
I see that u want the father to take some kind of responsibility for his child, and it is always hard to feel like someone got away with being irresponsible....But, I'd say let it go. He isn't responsible and lost out on being a dad to his daughter. He already lost out even if he doesn't know it. Your emotions are natural and understandable, but why you want to bring drama into your life like this for money you don't need? Because even if he pays the amount, it won't take away how hard being a teen mom on your own was, nor will it take away his not being there for your daughter. If there is any response on his part to want custody so that his payment is lower, you've put your daughter in a wierd spot. Is that worth the upheaval? I don't think it is, but of course you have a right to go either way on this.
Your daughter deserves this money. Even if you are affluent and don't need it there may be a time in the future where she might want something or need something and that money would come in handy.
Even though your hubby feels like her dad this is something that could be pursued and it might lead to the father asking if his parental rights could be terminated in lieu of paying the back support payments. That way hubby could adopt her if you wanted him to.
Personally, I don't think you should do anything. It's been too long. It sounds like you have a wonderful husband who has stepped up and taken the responsibility to raise your daughter. Your family needs their mom (and wife) to spend her energy on them. You are perseverating on someone else's irresponsibilities. It's his loss. If I was you I'd sit down and apologize to my husband for not being completely upfront with him.
