Child Learned Bad Words

i tell my daughter when she says something, ahem, colorful, that "x is not a mia word", and she's pretty good about not saying it again. i have a horrible potty mouth that i try so hard to contain around her, but i'm not always successful. at this point, she pretty much knows what she ISN'T allowed to say, and she'll be 4 in a couple weeks.

I'm going to stick my neck out here. I'm really very concerned about many of the punishments suggested in an attempt to curb swearing.

First and foremost, our reactions and responses to our child's picking up unpleasant words gives those words value. Shock value, attention value. Until then, if I have read the post correctly, those words had no use in the home. Our children are learning in leaps and bounds at this age, and we are usually proud and excited when they come home with new acceptable words.

However, our very youngest and most trusting of children have ABSOLUTELY NO WAY OF GAUGING THE MEANING OF THESE WORDS. They understand that many of them are exciting exclamations that someone else might have yelled out. As someone who is very interested in language, and who has worked with children for a long time, I've observed that time and again, the words our children hear that are loud and exciting are certainly repeated just in pure interest.
In essence, they are trying out something new.

This is why punishing them for a crime that was not deliberate or even "disobedient" is so incredibly unfair to our children. Add to that the physical hurt our children experience due to spankings, hot sauce, or soap in the mouth-- if we want our children to grow up trusting us, we seriously need to consider if what we are doing is in the best interest of our children or our selves.

When my son swears, (he is nearly two) which is occasionally, I just ignore it. It goes away. It will sometimes return, but we just let it go. Long explanations only give the situation far more attention and reinforces the likelihood of it happening again. I could never punish my child for something that he is completely unaware of doing.

With older kids, potty talk stays in the bathroom, where they are welcome to giggle and say "poop" and "fart" to their hearts content. They are going to say it whether we are around or not; my method is to make it clear that there is a context for this talk and that it doesn't belong at the table or around other people who don't enjoy it.

Foul language, on the other hand, is sent to the speaker's room (or if they share a room, a place in private) where they can swear all they want as long as others can't hear them. The point, once again, is to let the child know that the language is unpleasant and others don't want to hear it. This is only used with children who can conceptually understand "good" and "bad" language and why, socially, people find it unpleasant.

Our children are their own people. Their bodies are their own. By forcing punishments that hurt them physically (or are unpleasant) they will be angry with us and the problem will just go underground. They may even do these things to siblings. We must be careful with what we teach our children. They own their mouths, and while we don't always like what we hear, our children were not put on this earth to please us, but to become their own authentic persons. When we guide them to learn how, and where, to best express themselves and get along with others, we do them a valuable service!

This can be sooo embarrassing! It helps know that just about every mother has experienced this problem. Other moms who hear these words from your child will realize this and cut you some slack.

Of course, you don't want these two words to become a habit or a fun thing for your daughter to toss at you. So while you want to squelch these words, remember that two-year-olds are experimenting with social power and will love to push your buttons by saying these words. You want to express your disapproval but in the right way.

The best course is to simply say, "Cora, please don't say X. That is not a good word to say." Say this every time she says it, matter of factly and without anger. If she persists in saying the bad word, up the ante by saying, "Cora, we don't say that word in this family. I cannot talk to you right now because you said that word." Turn away and stay away for several seconds (don't use "the silent treatment" for more than 10 or 20 seconds). Then pick things up as if nothing had happened. Don't mention the words or the punishment.

Being consistent with this will put a stop to the bad words and will take the fun out of using words to get a rise out of you. Remember these steps, because as your children grow, this issue will come up again. Trust me!

We've always told our son that words we don't want him to say are "grown up words" which is "a word with funny rules"...when he knows all the rules, he's allowed to say the word. Because, by the time he knows all the rules...that means he WON'T be using it inappropriately.

Words with funny rules are those words that are defined by context and cultural sensitivity. For example...you can say the word damn in about 50 tones of voice and contexts that give them lots and lots of COMPLETELY different meanings...including in certain religions...a technical one. One word with 50 meanings...and one homonym...dai-yaam! Using the word in the wrong way or the wrong place or around the wrong people can make people sad and angry.

So we've always explained swear words that way. Other words fall into that catagory; Fat, Skinny (we travel a lot, and calling some people skinny in some countries is just as offensive, if not worse, then calling people fat in this country), Jesus, various forms of the word stupid, etc.

One thing we've also used is:
a) learning and using swear words from different languages -latin, greek, italian, japanese, arabic, etc.
b) giving him new english phrases to say in it's place...that way he can pick whichever he likes the best.
c) simple rules...like never around children, or yelled at someone, or to intentionally hurt someone...etc.

So, for example "sucks" my son uses the phrase "uninspiring"...and for idiot he uses the Japanese "baka!".
They both have their own pitfalls. English phrases can still hurt someone's feelings, and even here in the linguistically constipated US you can have people overhear your son swearing in their language. Although, quite frankly...we usually get a startled look and then the person bursts out laughing, and then we get a conversation going. You may notice; french, german, and spanish are NOT languages we give him expletives in.

In any event, kids quite frequently have FAR more reason and provocation then we to be expressing frustration. I'm not advocating that you teach your kids to swear in other languages...but giving them SOMETHING to say in it's place is useful.

I actually turned the words into something familiar that my son knew...for example... S**t got turned into sit. I would start asking him if he needed to sit. Then f**k became duck. Not sure if this will help. But at 2, they don't quite understand that those words are inappropriate. Try redirecting until they get a bit older. :D

I agree with pretty much every one else. Let her know that we don't say those words in our home and then ignore her. Most kids will repeat or do things just for the reaction. No reaction - the behavior typically ends.
If it doesn't stop, use a gentle form of punishment, such as a time out.
I think we all go thru this, whether they pick it up from you or someone else. Hang in there.

There is a 'training' method called 'extinction.' (See the book 'Don't shoot the dog' by Karen Pryor). This sounds like the solution for your situation. When she uses the words, ignore her -- and I mean actively. Turn your back on her. When she uses appropriate language, look directly at her and talk to her. When she uses inappropriate language, turn away, do not respond. She will pick your position up very quickly.

She heard them somewhere and more than once to have picked up on them the way she has. And she gets all sorts of attention when she says them. WOW!!! or so she thinks. So, your best bet is to ignore them and her when she says them. Don't respond, don't react and she won't be saying them much longer. This takes an inordinate amount of patience and perseverance on your part, but it works best, especially if you don't want to use some foul mouth treatment like pepper or soap on her tongue, a time out of 2 minutes (1 minute per year of age) or a paddle on the bottom. They're not very effective at all. So, just ignore her when she says the words. You need to find the source of her new found vocabulary though and either cut them off or remove her from those surroundings. Otherwise she will come home with a bigger vocabulary of unsuitable words. Be sure to give all sorts of positive attention when she uses words that are appropriate. At her age it's all about cause and effect. And you can't really reason with a 2 yr old, they don't have the capacity for that yet, soon, just not yet. Take good care!!!

My daughter is 2 1/2, a little older than yours, but we had a similar situation not that long ago. About two weeks ago, I asked her to put something in the fridge and when the door shut on her, she said, "F***ing S**t!". I looked at her, and asked her what she said, because I wasn't sure I heard correctly. She said it again and I told her, "No, that is a bad word, we don't say that." About half an hour later I was talking to my husband about what had happened and what my daughter said and she happened to hear me use the words and she came over and said to me, "No, Mommy. That's a bad word, we don't say that. Shhh!". And she hasn't repeated those words since, so I KNOW she understands. Be patient, as this phase will pass. I hope this helps.

I told my daughter that they are "adult words".. but I didn't have this problem till she was 3 and she understood better. I told her that bad words are things like Hate and Die, etc.

I like the suggestion of the other mom, turning F@#$ into duck, Sh#$ into sit. At her age that is more appropriate.

There are some good suggestions here that I am going to use myself! There is one we use that hasn't been mentioned yet, though, and that is washing the mouth out with soap. My 2yo heard one of our other kids using "hate" inappropriately, and now says it all the time about everything that isn't what he wants right now and to anyone anytime. The younger the child, the harder it is to get something out of their vocabulary, it seems to me! We tried time outs and talking, explaining, etc. Now I give him a warning and tell him what to say it place of that word, like--you mean, you don't like that; you mean, you don't want to do that right now. We have started washing his mouth out with a little soap. This is more memorable than a time out and more specific to the behavior--like the hot sauce idea. I think it is even more logical because it is making "clean" something made "dirty" with the icky words. Simply ignoring hasn't even worked for me--especialliy in public or when an apology is needed because they said it to someone else.

Our daughter has always picked up language early so not only have we had the occasional "bad" word but she uses them correctly. Honestly, it's been hilarious! Of course, we don't encourage it, but we have good stories to tell. ;-)

What has worked for us is to tell her those are "adult (or grown-up) words". She hears the words from us and others and we don't think the language is as big of a deal as how it's being used. For example, she recently heard another child say "shut up" and she said it to me. Totally not okay and disrespectful so we told her to apologize and that if she said it again she was going in time-out. However, she's said the f-bomb just to say it and we just reminded her it was a grown up word. We tell her many things are for grown-ups only (like soda, coffee, wine, etc.) so she doesn't really question it. Just like some activities are for when she is an older kid.

Two little funny stories... at 20-months old, she fell over backwards in her little chair. As she was going over she said, "Ohhhhhhhh s**t". My husband and I looked at each other and said, "did she just say what we thought she said?" and we busted up laughing. We didn't actually say anything at that time because we didn't want to make a big deal about it. She would have just said it more at that age and she didn't know what she had said.

Then, last summer (she was probably a little more than 2 1/2) we were all working outside. My husband, step-father and I were building on the house while my mom and daughter were cleaning up weeds in the yard. Our little girl said "pumpkin" (or so I thought) and I asked her what she had said about pumpkins? She looked at me calmly and said, "No, not 'pumpkin' I said 'f**k it." I said, "NOOOOOO. You don't say that," while my mom was asking what she said. (Let me point out that it couldn't have happened in front of a worse person - grandma doesn't find the humor in those things). Our daughter looked at her and repeated what she said. My mom gave me the biggest death-stare ever. LOL! I explained that she shouldn't say that and she said, "No, my necklace broke, so I said 'f**k it.'" Calm as can be. That story still makes me laugh.

She's now 3 1/2 and barely says "bad words" because she knows they are not for kids to say. However, once in awhile she might hear a word and remind us that they are not for children. I think most people understand that they are just trying out language. It's more the meaning behind what they are saying than the word itself. It they are being mean when using inappropriate words, I think they have to face some consequence, but if they are just trying it out, just let them know you don't want them to say it. :-)

I've read all the other responses just to make sure mine is something different. My mom put a little hot sauce on our tongues when we persisted in "talking naughty." She had four children, and all of us are clean-mouthed, respectful adults with children of our own now. Talking naughty includes bad words, sassing, lying, unkindness, etc.

Time outs or spankings when she says them. Be consistent and she will stop.

My daughter did this at 18 months at Denny's restaurant and I was embarrassed beyond words! In stead of getting mad or appearing mad, every time she said "g---d----it, I said "oh goodness sake". I said it about 2 thousand times that meal as she crawled all over the booth--something she never die--ever. I never knew where she picked up the swear words, because we never swore at home.

It worked. You might try it.

You have gotten a lot of good advice. I have to agree with those who say to ignore the words.

Or replace them with other less alarming words, but be aware saying "Oh fudge" like one says "Oh f**k" still tends to convey the same idea.

Give attention for the behaviors you want. Turning and walking away is very effective. As is giving lots of attention for things like helping with chores. You will get the behavior you put the most attention on--be it good or bad attention it is all attention just the same.

My 2 year old grandson said a bad word he had learned from the 6-8 year olds. The older boys laughed. I made the older boys laugh every time he said banana until they all got bored. I never heard that bad word again.

I also have made the older boys do push ups every time the younger one repeated an undesirable action or word learned from the older ones. The older ones quickly changed their ways and reminded each other not to do what ever it was I objected to.

They have not since taught the 2 year old anything I would object to.

It sounds like most of the advice is along the same lines. I too have tried to explain to my son that there are certain words that are not acecptable for him to say. I think the hardest part is getting them to understand that even though they are "bad" words for him...it doesn't necessarily mean that other people won't use them. We utilized the idea that these are "mommy & daddy" words. He can use them when he is a daddy someday. Since hopefully he will be far old enough to understand the difference between good and bad words by the time he is a father...it is a safe place. He understands that I am his mommy and his dad is his daddy and so we will on occasion use "mommy & daddy" words that he is not to repeat. It has worked very well. We had SERIOUS issues with GD and F*** and Sh** and he quickly stopped when we started using the "mommy & daddy" technique. He is now telling us when we are using bad words even though he knows that we are "allowed" to use them...he would prefer we didn't.

Good luck...you will find what works for her and she will work through it. Luckily, almost every kid on the planet does this at some point. Try not to be too h*** o* her though...she doesn't even know what they mean so it is hard to understand why they are "bad"! I remember my first bad word was "bastard" and I had no idea what it meant...my brothers told me to go ask my mom what it meant and I did...I was spanked and sent to my room...and I had NO idea why I was being punished. I was confused and upset...and obviously it made a major impact on me since I am now 30 and can still vividly remember that moment so early in my childhood. When she gets a little older, try to talk with her about WHY these words are not acceptable. I think you will be rewarded with a well adjusted child who uses her words appropriately.

I remember this age!

Your daughter is just repeating what she has heard. I used to tell my daughter that we did not use those words in our house. If you make a big deal and show how very upset you are, your sweet little girl will keep saying them ^j^

Using swear words will be the least of the outside forces that she'll bring into your house. Keep showing her by your words and deeds how you want her to be.
Good luck, E.

My daughter is 2 1/2 and we're going thru this.She doesn't go to daycare--I'm staying with my mom right now due to hard times and my 20 yr old sister still lives at home and she normally babysits for me or my daughter will go to my brothers house.I found out a bit ago that for some reason my brother lets soooo many people freely go in/out of his house.His live-in gf's little brother comes over and brings friends over and then they bring someone and so on.
One day we're at home and I asked her to please shush because I was on the phone trying to make an appointment and she tells me 'NO, u shush a**hole'.I nearly fell off the sofa wtih shot! I'm just glad I was on hold while the receptionist checked the schedule.
She has since said other things but we have that one under control.I wish she would've just stopped saying it will some stern warnings but didn't even though it seems to be working for other things she's not supposed to do/say.
We've been using time out, privelages taken away (watching movies in her room, playing with her turtles or another pet she may want out for some play time).I've also had to flick (not hard) her mouth a couple times when she says bad words and that seems to help after 2-3 flicks.

Sounds like she has just figured out that she gets a lot of exciting reaction when she says the words, and of course that's fun for her! I'd offer her some fun words to say instead and make a game of it, like fiddlesticks or shoobedoo or something, or just play a game with her where you make up silly nonsense words that are fun to say. And don't give attention to the other words. If she persists in saying them because other people give her attention for it, you could ask to those people to stop reacting, and if that doesn't work, then you could explain to your daughter that those aren't good words to say (but she may be a bit young for that?).

She is looking for a reaction. Don't give her one. Explain once that they are not nice words and that people should not use them, then don't mention it again. If she says the words ignore it. When children get no reinforcement for their behavior they lose interest in it.

Don't make a big deal out of it when she says them but maybe replace them with a different word that's more appropriate. For example, if she's saying "damn it", try suggesting that she's saying "darn it". My daughter says "shoot" and sometimes sounds like a much worse word, but I just repeat "shoot" to her and she's doing better about not saying the other. Also, if she doesn't know what it means, then you can replace it with something that sounds similar, but has a different meaning. Fork, Sit, etc.