Catholic Rules for Funerals SIL Rant

Perhaps the thing to do is to talk to Dad about whether or not he has a Will. It doesn't have to be anything elaborate at all... but he could easily specify that he wants a Catholic funeral service and name someone as executor that will have authority to carry it out.

I used to work in the counseling office at a cemetery. We focused on pre-need planning so that arrangements could be planned in advance so that when someone passed away, their wishes would be carried out.
I know it's not a happy subject to speak about, but you do need to speak to your father in law about it. Some people are superstitious and they think if you talk about these things, you will automatically die the next day or something, but the truth of the matter is, it's the wishes of the person who passed away that need to be respected.
Does Dad already have his funeral property? If Mom has already passed, chances are he took care of that for himself at the same time. What type of service does he want? Is there a special suit or favorite item of clothing he'd like to be dressed in?
Lord knows you don't want to lose him. EVER. But you want to make sure his wishes are carried out.
If he already has his property arrangements set up, you can talk to the cemetery about what is best as far as having his wishes documented. You can also have him talk to his priest.
There are very simple documents that can be filled out. We had booklets for people to put things like that in, like I said, outlining everything right down to what they wanted to be dressed in. Some people want an open casket, some people are very opposed to it. If Dad wants a full catholic mass, he should get one.
Some people actually request no services at all.
It's up to family to see to their wishes, but they can't if they aren't properly expressed and documented in some fashion.
The last thing you want when the time does come, is an argument between your husband and his sister. That's the last thing your father in law would want. Maybe your sister in law was being flip or thought she was being funny, but actually, it does open the door to discussion so that Dad's wishes will be respected and you'll know ahead of time so there can be no room for argument. Unless he's given her the authority to handle it all as she sees fit, what he wants is still quite relevant.

I wish you the best. I know these things can be hard.
It might sound strange, but I loved my job at the cemetery because it was my place to help make these kinds of arrangements BEFORE someone passed away.
It gave the person saying what they wanted peace of mind knowing their wishes would be carried out and it gave the family peace of mind not having to make some of the decisions on top of having lost a loved one.

I wish you the best and I hope your father in law lives at least another 10 years!

Blessings to you and your family!

You need to contact an attorney and meet with your FIL. Unless he is not of sound mind, he needs to have his wishes in writing. EVERYTHING, who gets what, his medical directives, his funeral wishes. If it's in writing, it won't matter what she want. It won't matter what the Catholic church wants. It will be about what HE wants.

It will be important for your FIL to register in a new parish after he moves, if he is moving out of the area of his current parish. If he is no longer able to attend mass regularly, they can arrange for the Eucharist to be brought to him and hopefully before he passes, the priest from his new parish will give him the Sacrament of Anointing of the sick. If it looks like he is close, call the church and they will send out a priest immediately, day or night. That will probably be important to him. Once he eventually does pass, the new parish will be the ones to perform the Rite of Christian Burial. It usually has three parts, the wake, a funeral mass and the Rite of Committal. This Rite is important to practicing Catholics, so encourage him to register because I have heard of people falling between the cracks, especially when they become home bound or institutionalized.

You can search for Rite of Christian burial online to find out more info.

Also, if the SIL isn't of sound mind, she shouldn't be the power of attorney. Hopefully your FIL will designate your husband.

Best wishes.

You should talk to your Father in Law, and he should appoint someone who will execute his wishes in charge of his estate and it should all be spelled out in no uncertain terms so that nothing is left to chance when he passes.

If he is a devout Catholic, there is no way he wants to go from the morgue to the ground. He will not only want Last Rights, he will want a Rosary the night before his funeral, a proper funeral Mass, and a Catholic burrial service. No devout Catholic is going to forgo sacrements. The funeral rite is part of his Catholic Christian journey.

How admirable of your father in law that he as taken care of his disabled daughter all these years, but that does not mean that she can make these decisions for him. He has it right, the least of God's children need care and understanding (even when they are difficult and hard to live with.) Thank your lucky stars you live two hours away, and say a little prayer that you don't need to take care of a disabled child into adulthood. Facing this myself, it is somehow encouraging to know that other people of faith do this too.

M.

Find out what parish he belongs to and speak with the Priest, so that the Priest can inform you of tradition and be aware of his situation. When the time comes, he will be your ally. Good for you for doing what is right by him.

Call the priest at the church he attends (or used to). Ask to meet with him and let him know your situation. He may have a better idea than we can come up with. I would stress that the daughter has some brain damage and is unstable though - that way he knows what you are dealing with.

Hi J., I think you are letting your SIL get the best of you. My question is what does your husband say to all this and more importantly what does your 89 yr old father in law say he would like. You didn't imply that he is not without his own right mind so I'm assuming he can make that decision for himself. Most people anymore talk about these things before the time is near so you everyone that is involved understands the persons wishes. After the move is behind your father in law and your SIL I suggest you have your husband bring up the subject with his father. If your husband is not comfortable in bringing up the topic or not sure how to do it tacktfuly there are people he can speak with for advice. I would avoid a confrontation with your SIL about this. From the sounds of things maybe she just doesn't have the mental capacity to deal with it. Maybe she feels that because she is living with him all the responsibility of making the final arrangements will fall on her shoulders and she is overwhelmed with the thought.
I hope this is helpful.

I would suggest talking to your FIL about your SIL's rant. I am sure he would be devastated to find out that she didn't think enough of him to even hold a service! Maybe you could also suggest to your husband that it would be beneficial for HIM to become his father's power of attorney. He could possibly even take care of the paperwork while you are visiting. While it wouldn't completely "solve" the problem, it would at least guarantee that your husband handles your FIL's body (thus he can do what he wants with it). I hope this helped!

I would make sure you father-in-law has a will so that ALL must be done the way HE wants, no one elses. Have hubby ask his day if he has one and if it states anything about what kind of service he wants, where he would like to be buried and to appoint someone who will follow his instructions.

Check with your father-in-law and see if he has a request written out for what he would like done after he dies. Funeral, cremated or not? If you have his wishes written out before hand, you will know exactly what he wants. Then there will be no doubts and things will be much easier for you as far as planning goes.

Having grown up catholic, the belief is that a person be buried with a funeral as it is usually considered the last rights (one of the 7 big rites of Caltholcism). If he is really devote than he would probably want a funeral. As for a wake (viewing) many beleive that is part of the ceromony all though I have known at least one or two people that did not want a wake and have forgone that part. But most Catholics would consider it to be unforgivable sin to bury someone without a funeral. I would ask your FIL what his wishes are and have him put it in writing so that you can follow them to the letter. My MIL is preplanning her funeral and wished to forgo a viewing and has as such made arrangements for them. Either way you could contact his home parrish or old parrish as he is moving and arrange for a mass to be said in his honor.

I hope she is not in a tizzy tomorrow. The situation is unfortunate, and your FIL deserves to be treated in whatever way he wishes, now and after. Enjoy your time with him while you are on this errand.

I think your SIL is just trying to stir a reaction out of you. You say she has suffered some brain damage and that possibly is making her say what she is saying. Unless your FIL put her in charge of his funeral requests I'd let it go and speak to your FIL. Since he is 89 one could assume he knows he won't live forever and perhaps he has been thinking about his final wishes as well. Ask him if he wants to write his requests down so you do whatever he wants. It's not a fun topic but my mom is much younger and we have had this talk and she did a pre-need at the funeral home as well as cemetary.

I'm sure there is some way you could be in charge of the ceremony. My husbands mother died and her husband was catholic and she was not and the priest both religons ideas in the ceremony. its was very nice. I think your sil just doesen't want to be in charge. I would tell her your be in charge and i think it will be okay.

I don't know about the "rules" but I DO know that the only Catholic funeral I went to was VERY impersonal. Lots of rituals, VERY little about the deceased. I was VERY frustrated and unhappy about it. It certainly didn't help w/ closure.

Therefore, do what he asks. He doesn't have to "be there" in order to have a memorial service or whatever. Do something of that nature instead, with friends and family. If you want it to be about him, ask people to tell stories, write memories, etc. and put them in a book or on DVD, if you want. Trust me, some of the stories are WELL worth listening too and everyone gets a better idea of who this man really was in various stages of his life. Makes things alot more tolerable and helps the healing process.

If your FIL would like a catholic burial, that's all there is to it. Any priest would follow his wishes (assuming he's catholic ;), regardless of the faith of his friends and family. It's your FIL's religion that is important to the priest, not anyone elses.

HUGS.

And sheesh... I hope he didn't hear what she said either.

I attended a service in which the ex-daughter-in-law had set up a small service at a church because the son didn't want to bother to do anything. I'm not sure about having a graveside service, but you certainly can speak with a priest and see about having a service without the body in which family and friends can come and honor and remember him

You should, without a doubt, honor your father-in-laws wishes.