Broken Heart

I understand how you feel. I went through this when I was so much younger. I had three children within 4 years and their dad and I just fought all the time. We had been great friends and then got married. We tried separation several times, but never managed to make it stick, because we both (especially me) could not give up on the relationship as it was. Finally, after 17 years of misery, I divorced him. During that time, he grew increasingly meaner, he hit me, he hit my kids, he cheated and all the time, I would not let go. I was divorced for 12 years before I met a wonderful man, and during that alone time I discovered myself. So, here's my advice to you: If you can tough this out, maybe in the end you might wind up back together, and maybe not, but take this time and get to know yourself. You're not a failure. You're not to blame. There is nobody to blame in a case like yours, it's just a matter of two people who love each other, but not enough to be together forever. If you spend years with this man, possibly having more children, and continue to fight, all you do is teach your children that aggression and hostility is normal in a relationship. It is so much easier to make correct decisions when you feel "capable" instead of scared and lost. Let yourself grieve, that's normal. Let yourself be angry. And find yourself in the process. then make the decisions you need to make for your son and yourself.

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I realized that most of our problems were communication and how I was communicating with him. I learned what "hidden" depression was and how many Men suffer with it (and don't even know they have it). Our marriage and my Best Friends marriage completely changed with this book.........How Can I Get Through To You - by Terrence Real. I figure it will help no matter what Man you are with. I wish you the best of luck and time heals all wounds. S.

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I am a divorced mother of a beautiful daughter who is 9. It was not easy being divorced at first, but with time, great friends and faith, I am finally happy. When I was married, we fought a lot. At the time of separation, I felt alone and as though i was making a mistake. Now, however, I realize that I wasn't happy in that marriage and that we really didn't have a lot in common. I have no regrets and I think that is a positive feeling to have. I now know what I want and need in a partner and I know that I really didn't know that before.
H., it's ok that you feel the way you do, divorce or separation is like a death. You have to go through the grieving process. It isn't easy, but it is ok to feel sad, angry and at last, happy again.

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A few years ago, my husband and I were going through a huge "storm" in our marriage. We had a 2 1/2 yr old daughter and I was pregnant with our second. I too felt that my world was just spinning and didn't know what to do, except I had that little girl to worry about. I found would pray and ask God to just make everything right. Of course it didn't happen the way I wanted it to but as I continued to seek refuge in the Lord and just live day by day, my husband ended up running back to me. My advise is to try your best to pick yourself up and ask God to let his will be done in your life. I will be praying for your strength. Remember, you have a little boy who is watching you.

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You may be depressed - suggest you talk with your doctor about that. Also - any change looks terrible at first and you say it's only been a few days. Give it time. Maybe it's time for you to take a new look at yourself - and your own plans, dreams, and goals. Nobody, not even a husband, boyfriend, best friend, and especially not your child can make you happy. So, if not this relationship, then what is it you think would be best for you (and your son)the long run?

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Oh honey, you are bound to feel sad and lost. It is a huge adjustment and even though it may be what is best for you and your child, its still a big change and you're bound to feel the emptiness. You have to mourn the loss of what you had, even if it was always a struggle and not only that, you have to mourn your hopes and dreams of what you thought the relationship "could" be. It hurts. I can't imagine you would feel otherwise. Give it time and then you will start to see clearly. You will be able to see it from a fresh perspective. I would seek counseling right now to help you through this and to help you rebuild your life. I can't stress enough how helpful that would be for you!

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If you are that devastated, then you should be the one to make the effort. The relationship takes a lot of effort. Some guy friends of mine went through the same thing and they separated. They guys were so upset that one lost nearly 40 lbs. I told him if he wanted her back then he would have to let go of all his items. (He was mad because she wasn't doing the laundry and the house was a mess.) That he needed to focus on the relationship. Until they both knew they still loved each other the fights would escalate. After they came back together, then they could talk about how to fix the problems. I constantly work on a system with my husband so he knows what I want. It doesn't always work out that no fusses are in order but we know neither of us is leaving. Sometimes you have to find a way to let go of the issues to have a relationship. Counceling might be the answer. We try to have date nights...but we still work at it like anyone else...not perfect right now...but we have hopes.

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Hi H.. My name is Stephanie and I am going through something similar to your situation. My husband of seven years came to me about 8 weeks into my pregnancy and told me he wants a divorce. While your husband seems very compassionate and caring- putting your child as a priority, mine has moved out of state to be with his new "friend"- not helping in any way financially, or emotionally. I have felt just like you- like I've lost my best friend. But give yourself some time. It's been five months since he moved away, and I have a new outlook on life. I do still get sad, and miss my marriage, but I see things in a different way. If someone would've told me I would wake up and actually not cry during the day- I would not have believed them. Take time to grieve- but embrace it as well. You are beginning a new life- and while very scary- it can be the most exciting adventure you've been on yet. I hope this helps. - Stephanie

Dear H.,
I know how hurtful it is to make the decision to end a marriage, especially when you sound like you really love each other. Have you tried marriage counseling? I highly recommend it--a good counselor can help you find new positive ways to communicate with each other when you disagree. A good book that might help is "Loving What Is" by Byron Katie (not sure I have name spelled right--the author is a woman). Good luck!
J. W.

I'm sorry you're going through this... I genuinely know exactly what you're talking about. My love and I have been there. If you both agree that it is best and it is what you want too, then yes, give it time and you will grow stronger and be able to handle being apart... it usually gets easiest when you start dating again, but jumping right into that isn't a good idea... give yourself time to mourn and go through the stages of loss. And remember, even if you feel lonely, you're not alone (God is always there) and you won't always feel alone... there are lot's of people out there and I'm sure many would love to find a girl like you. Keep your friends close, stay busy (out of the house if possible), and remind yourself of the things that are better for both of you when you're apart.
However, if you're not sure and you do want to hold things together then there are some things you probably need to sort through because love isn't enough... not by itself. You have to be willing to to do a lot on top of love, like change, accept, commit, etc and none of those things is easy. Also, fighting all the time isn't good for your baby or you or your hunny so being willing to get help can be a key factor. Another big obstacle, you do both need to be equally dedicated to this. You can't hold it together for both of you.
If you try to work on it, it will be a long, hard, difficult process... but most things in life are, especially those that really matter.
My b/f and I have been together for about three years. We have had lot's of problems. We have even been physical with each other. However, we do love each other with everthing we have in us. We are both dedicated to making this work. I am very fortunate to have a man who is willing to keep up the good fight no matter how long it takes... we won't give up on each other and our ability to make this work. After we had our daughter, we knew that being a family and the wonderful gift that is, is more important to us to than all the little things that set us off and make us fight. We have a lot of differences, but more than anything we are a lot alike... which allows you to be acutely aware of each others flaws because they are the same as our own! We decided to stick it out around August of last year. I had moved home to Mom's and we split and my life never felt more empty. I know that someone else could love me... that I'm beautiful and smart and I won't ever have to be alone... but just 'someone' isn't enough... I want the father of my child and the man I already love. It has been hard for us to hold it together. We are getting help and we face each day one at a time. We still fight, but we have enough control to wait until we're alone. And we're working on it.
I know that was a lot to say... I hope you can do some self reflection and find your answer. The biggest question for me was "Am I willing to let go of the things that frustrate me and accept that this is how my life will be?" You can't spend all your time wishing everything is different and blaming each other for the fact that its not.
I wish you the very best and I hope you can feel good about whatever decision you make. You can message if you need to talk... I know its hard to feel lonely and that feeling can prevent you from doing what you need to do.

It is completely untrue that "love is never enough". True love means sacrifice, selflessness, service, kindness, concern for the other person's welfare, etc. The physical aspect enhances the feelings you already have for that person. If two people are willing to put each other first in their lives and head in the same direction as one, then it can be a much smoother ride (not perfect, but smoother). It's all about priorities and what really matters. Counseling is a great idea if two people can't solve problems on their own. The counselor can be a great mediator. They can observe your situation without the emotional involvement and help the couple see what they can't. I hope you can find comfort in prayer until you get things figured out.

I say if your both still in love with each other, go to counseling and try to work it out. If you think that is something he will do. Sorry its all I got for advice. Sometimes people cant get along living together but get along great as friends. It just happens that way. Another thing you can both do is sit down with each other and write on a piece of paper what bothers you about each other and try to work them out if they cant be worked out or overlooked then you will get a better look at how the relationship will be. I always say if you cant accept someone the way they are dont except them at all. Has anything changed since you had your son? How long you been together?

Good Luck hope things work out for you both.

G.

Hi H., first I am so sorry you are feeling sad but believe me it does get easier with time. I too married my highschool sweetheart had a son and seperated all before I was 22. I thought I would never get over or past him and the thought of either one of us with anyone else just sickened me, but if this is your decision then you guys need to stick to it and not do the yo-yo back and forth for your childs sake. Today I am married with another child, and he is married with 3 other kids and we share our son, to this day he is still my first love and my best friend, we are still very much apart of eachothers life and believe it or not we still attend each others family events with our new families, and one thing I thought I would never say was where we are today (I wouldnt have it anyother way) he is happy and I am Happy and we are happy for eachother, our son now 12 is happy and knows his parents love him, and are friends, and didnt have to grow up seeing all the things everyother kid see when living with two parents that arent meant to be. He grew up seeing is mom and dad as friends and Happy. I hope this helps and it will take time and maybe alittle distance at first but it works out and usually for the best. GOOD LUCK A.