Books on Parenting Young Children

I am by no means an expert on disciplining children. I have a 3 year old how tests me all the time. He has a speech delay (but he is getting better) so he uses other means to communicate which includes acting out and falling into the floor with tantrums when he can't get his way. He is very high maintenance.
After attending an Behavioral Analysis workshop at Beaumont Hospital in Royal Oak, I did learn a few things in how to modify behavior.
1) never repeat your self when telling your child what to do. and when you say something make sure you follow through immediately. Meaning never give empty threats. That way the know you mean business. And if you are not prepared to follow through at the time of the misbehavior its better not to say anthing at the time at all.
2) also I learned about postive reinforcement meaning finding out what the Child really likes and enjoys more than anything. Let him have it or the activity when he is being good. Always reward good behavior.
3) lastly, My son is much better with his behavior now that he is on a schedule. From what I was told kids love routine and what to expect.
Hope this helps a little. I notice that when I put some of these goals in place my son became a little more tolorable to deal with.

1 mom found this helpful

Hey B. -

Something that no one mentioned is that at 4 boys have a HUGE testosterone spike, so the boy who was soooo "good" last year is totally different now...... not an excuse for disrespectful behaviour, but an additional factor when dealing with the behaviour.
At the moment my 8 year old is doing the same thing as Jake (I have an almost 5 year old too, but he seems to be watching his brother and not making quite the same mistakes!!) and I am finding it effective to point out that he has a choice to either: speak nicely or deal with whatever consequence. WHen making choices though, engineer it to get the right behaviour..... they will get the idea soon enough. No matter what he tries, you have to stand your ground and be CONSISTANT. He is old enough that you could even sit down with him and explain that there will be changes, but then you absolutely have to stick to what you say (which I think is the hardest part)
I did a cut and paste of one of the other ladies advice too cause I think it is soo good.
Getting down on yourself will only make things harder (who needs that!!!) so, think of this as a learning curve & your turn to get your respect back Good luck!!

"1) never repeat your self when telling your child what to do. and when you say something make sure you follow through immediately. Meaning never give empty threats. That way the know you mean business. And if you are not prepared to follow through at the time of the misbehavior its better not to say anthing at the time at all.
2) also I learned about postive reinforcement meaning finding out what the Child really likes and enjoys more than anything. Let him have it or the activity when he is being good. Always reward good behavior.
3) lastly, My son is much better with his behavior now that he is on a schedule. From what I was told kids love routine and what to expect. "

Well first of all you have to be strong with your child. If they're over powering you, you can't show them that they are. Just don't give in. Talk to them in a strong voice and tell them that they should'nt be doing that and it needs to stop.(but don't yell.) Even if they start crying and they just seem so cute that you want to give in, don't. They'll thank you later. Trust me, we've all been there. ( I've also heard that Super Nanny does wounders!)

As a teacher of younger children, I have used Love and Logic for many years. THere are many books, but I recommend the videos. It takes the responsibility off the parent and puts it on the child. It is a truly fantastic way to talk with your child and treat them with respect while having high behavior expectations. My other quick read is How to Talk so Your Kids Listen, or I HOw to Talk so your Kids Learn. Both favorites!
GOod luck

A great book is by Barbara Colorosa. "How to Win without Beating your Children" I think is the title. You can google her. She is a speaker at schools also. I heard her about 21 years ago and the main idea was "Say what you mean and mean what you say". For instance if you ground your child for a month, you better be able to have that hold. I used her ideas and couldn't believe the differences it made. Good luck.

Love and Logic works pretty well.:) http://www.amazon.com/Love-Logic-Magic-Early-Childhood/dp...

I also like 1-2-3 Magic, this works pretty well too.
http://www.amazon.com/1-2-3-Magic-Effective-Discipline-Ch...

I have a son about the same age as your son(he'll be 5 in June) and we're having issues with him as well, and are in the process of getting him diagnosed as ADHD. My husband has ADD and so do I, so we are pretty sure that he does have this.

HOw to Win a Parenting Without Beating Your Children
by Barbara Colorosa
I heard this author speak a few years ago when I was at my WIT'S END with my 5 year old. At the very opening of the session she said "THere are 3 ages that send terror through parents: "Terrible Twos" "Teen years" and "5 year olds". That bit of info about 5yo I had not heard before. She explained that in the development of the child's understanding of independance it is part of their job description to define who they are....we have to find ways to honor their individuality AND keep them safe, healthy, and respectful! But the point was: it's not about ME and it's normal! It was such a relief to at least know that. I had a lot to learn from my 5 year old! Parenting is hard work! Good luck.

Dear B.,

My favorite author of child-raising books, is John Rosemond. He gives simple and practical advice about raising happy, respectful, and creative children. Plus, being a parent himself, he has a great sense of humor!
He has written many books, which you can find on Amazon.com. Perhaps check out the one called "Parent Power".

Good luck!
L.

Let me just start out by saying that you are a GREAT MOM!! Because you care about your son and you want to parent him the best way possible.

I saw all the other responses first...lots of great books. I read Dr. Dobson, Kevin Leman (he's funny), am currently (listening on audio) Love and Logic. All great resources. 123 Magic sounds like a great book too.

I'll be praying that God helps you make the best choice and that it works for you and your son and that you'll be happy with your choice and the results.

Any of Dr. James Dobson's books on child behavior will be an immense help to you. He is the foremost highly respected child physiologist in the U.S. today. He also is the chairman of an organization called Focus On The Family. Their web site www.resources.family.org

For starters, you are probably doing nothing "wrong". You just need a few different tricks up your sleeve to save your sanity.

I suggest a book called "How to Make your Children MIND without losing yours". It helps you let children make choices that have consequences. Then, you are not the bad guy but you provide a framework for learning and growing responsibly. It helps me keep my sanity and I have a 5yo boy and 3yo girl that I often take care of alone while working full time.

You haven't had many say Super Nanny. I love her ideas, and they work! She has a great web site www.supernanny.com there is a lot of great info about every problem there. She also has a book that I read called "How to get the best from your child" I really only read the sections I needed but it was really helpful. Most of the information in the book is on the web, too. Good Luck!

I have 2 of the "supernanny" books they are great I also love her show. She has some great ideas.

My favorite book on parenting young children is "Positive Discipline for Preschoolers" by Jane Nelson. This was required reading before we started our Montessori teaching course. It puts you in the mind of the child and why they do the things they do. It also gives you tools to deal with it. It is very respectful of the child. I loved it.

Living with you m-i-l who has health issues can't be easy for any of you. If you are taking care of her, perhaps he's feeling neglected. A good book to try is "The 5 Love Languages of Children" by Dr. Gary Chapman. You can find it just about anywhere, but go to www.garychapman.org to learn more. Good luck

Raising Boys by Dobson

When my daughter (now 19 and WONDERFUL!) did this at about 3-4 years, I simply told her that I would not talk to her until she could talk to me respectfully. Yes, she still threw a tantrum, but after about 6 weeks, she realized I was serious! Your son is craving your attention. When he realizes he's not getting the negative attention any longer, he should get the picture and start talking politely. Don't yell back at him. Talk to him in a calm voice..."Jake, honey. Mommy cannot hear you when you are yelling and talking to me that way. When you can talk to me like I'm talking to you, I will be able to hear you."

First... dont assume you are 'wrong'. You are doing the best you know how to do!

Sounds like he is acting out for some reason. I dont have any book suggestions, but do have suggestions for a couple of different things to try.

1. Does he get any quality alone time with you? Maybe set aside time (or a little more time if you already do this) for just him and you, even if it's just once a week to go to the park or have a dessert at a resturant and talk about his week, that video game or movie he wants to see. Disappear into his room while dinner is simmering on the stove and talk to him about school or his favorite cartoon. More positive reinforcement will hopefully breed more good behavior.

2. What sets him off? Is it when you ask him to do something he doesnt want to do or when he is told no? If so, dont react to the bad behavior. Find out his currency (tv, books, toys, etc) and threaten to take them from him if he continues that behavior.

3. Ask him what the problem is and really Listen to his complaints. Ask him to use his words to tell you what is making him feel that way to act out. Kids like to be validated in what they are feeling, but you can let them know it's not ok to have that melt down or to treat you badly. example: Dont just say "NO. Because I'm the mom and I said so." Tell him "I know you really want that toy, but... reason behind decision... we cant afford it right now/your birthday is coming up/lets wait for a sale/you just got a toy last week." A lot of times if you acknowledge that he really wants it or his feelings of jealousy, anger, etc, it takes a lot of wind out of the sails.

4. How does your MIL respond to this behavior? I'm assuming she is the caregiver when you are not around. If she gives in to it, it just encourages it more. If she is old school, 'do as I say or else', he may be taking his frustrations out on you. Make sure the 2 of you are on the same page on this.

5. Let him know that he is in control of his own feelings. When he gets mad, ask him if it feels good to feel that way, or if he feels better when he's playing and laughing. He is the only one that can decide to be mad or glad. Of course, let him know it's ok to have his feelings, but it feels better to let it out and get over it quickly. (This worked WONDERS for my extremely moody 6 year old niece who stayed with me for a few months)

6. Last but not least... does he pick up cues from you or other members of the family living in the house. Do they tend to scream & yell to get their point across? Are they demanding rather than courteous in asking for things? Does he have friends at school/cousins who act this way? Kids often model behavior they see.

Good luck!! I hope I didnt sound preachy! Just some suggestions of things I have found to be helpful.

Hi, just wanted to say you are not doing anything wrong it's, probably the age and living situation combined. We had to also move in with MIL to help and because of financial issues. It was not a good situation for us so in our case I had to do what was best for the kids and my marriage, we ended up moving out five months later and I noticed a big change in the kids. They did not have to follow MIL's rules anymore and be quiet all the time and they had their own rooms again. If you have to stay there make sure they get lots of hugs and reassurance, try to give him as much space and privacy as possible and get him out to run off some pent up energy, because I'm sure like at my MIL's house they had to be pretty quiet and on "visiting" behavior most of the time. It's frustrating to all involved and the kids have it even more rough cuz they have no control over the situation:) Hope this helps.

Sounds like you're butting heads with a growing personality. You have expectations that he doesn't feel like living up to, or may not cognitively be capable of living up to. Your expectations, I mean, may be out of alignment with reality -- however popular or familiar they may seem.

I strongly recommend Alfie Kohn's Unconditional Parenting for a baseline of how children deserve to be raised with love and respect.

As you can see you are not alone...and it's nice to know I am not either. I have a 3 year old boy and 1 year old girl. My 3 year old is a good boy but he still has these moments. I think you got a lot of good advice (and some I will use too), but I wanted to stress the point of not only teaching your child responsilbity but also respect and good attitude. 123 still works for me, but if he does get into melt down mode instead of always just making him go into time out or be alone until he can work it out. I have been working with him on how to calm down. This invloves repeating calm down, take a deep breath (of course in a calm voice) and if you can get him partially calmed down asking if he would like a drink of water, which then you can usually get past the point of the melt down. Of course this doesn't always work and it's important to talk about it at times when he is not already in melt down mode and immediately after. We also point out in a loving way that "isn't it easier to do what mommy asked you to do, than to get upset?" hope some of this advice and everybody else's works for you!

Setting Limits for your Strong-Willed Child, found on Amazon, worked for me (to some extent). I give clear, specific instructions with no wiggle room. If I get lip, I explain that he will never get his way by sassing me. Mainly, we have problems with him not making choices in the time allotted. He thinks he is in control by delaying making the decision, until I make it for him (like about what to wear, what he wants in his lunch box, etc.) If he doesn't choose between some breakfast choices, he goes without. He is responsible for his actions.
I've also searched for information on Entitlement issues, like he thinks he deserves things and privileges without earning them. He thinks he can bully me into giving in but I stand firm.

Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood: Practical Parenting from Birth to Six Years (Jim Fay and Charles Fay)

This is a really practical book--it gives examples of behaviors and appropriate parental responses--and it's interesting to read.

You don't have to have read the whole book to start putting into practice some of their ideas.

All three of my children did this. It's fairly normal, especially if there is stress and yelling in the house. Even if it's "we're late" and "dinners ready", it's still yelling. We have a loud house, but he needs to learn to talk to you in a "big boy" voice. If he doesn't don't deal with him until he does and stay consistent. I didn't have time or the energy for counting to three. I worked with three children, I said things once and when they yelled and had a melt down, they went to their rooms or a quite place until they could talk in a voice that we could all understand.

B., I have no advice for you but know how tough this must be on you. I'll be praying for you!!!!

Hello B.!
Sorry to hear you are having a difficult time with your son.
In raising mine I expected respect as well as giving him respect.
If your son goes to Day Care when you work have you checked on how they talk or exercise disipline?
When my son acted up I would ask in a very quiet voice (so as the little one would listen) what is wrong and what would make things better? If he didn't settle down then privlidges would be taken away 1 at a time for a day maybe 2 ...things could possibly get worse to begin with but soon the child learns that they go to bed earlier, loose certain cartoons, etc...Don't worry about teaching respect-you will enjoy it when they get older. If you allow it now it only gets worse as they get older. Best to you.
L.

"screamfree Parenting" by Hal Edward Runkel is a good one that I'm reading right now. It's not specifically about young kids but it still works. I have a 2 year old and a 1 year old and when I do what the book says, things go much better. :o)

Try 1-2-3 Magic, by Phelan, and the Love and Logic book for parents of young children by Jim Faye. My most favorite parenting book is called The Blessing of a Skinned Knee by Wendy Mogel. Be firm and conistent and things will work out. good luck!

Love & Logic Parenting book.. They have one for kids up to age 6 and its great.. My son was in counseling last year and our couselor sugggested it.. It has made a huge difference.. It teaches kids responcibility.. Its not about discipline... More about giving choices and having them learn the consequences for their actions. Barns and Noble has it in their parenting section.. Hope you enjoy it as much as I did :)

B.,

You really need to read the book called "Sheparding a Child's Heart" by Tedd Tripp. It is soo helpful and it covers so much, it is a wonderful book, I am so thankful that we read it.

Try James Dobson, "Dare to Discipline", can probably get it used.

I am a stay-at-home-mom to five - 16, 6, 5, 3 and 2. Because there are so many little ones so close in age AND we homeschool, we had to have a solution to rear our children responsibly and without going crazy. Like some other responders, we, too, found our solution with Love and Logic. I have purchased several of the books after having checked out tons of them at the library. I have also been able to check out L&L tapes, CDs and videos from the library - it saves the budget and helps me know which items I really wanted to invest my money in. Also, if you visit the L&L website, they have a lot of downloads that help you remember what you have learned in the books. Anyhow, the only problem I have found with L&L is forgetting to use it! There are times I have lectured or yelled at someone instead of using the methods learned in the book ... and all that happens is that I get more upset and the kids are like "Did you see how red we made her face and how loud we got her to yell? Let's try it again!" Obviously it's the younger ones who relish those moments the most and when it's 4 against 1, I feel helpless pretty fast ... unless I am using Love and Logic. When I do, I feel empowered and, funny enough, so do my kids. Check out some of the books from the library and let us know how it goes!

Wow, you mean I'm not the only one? My boys are 2 and 4 1/2. My 4 1/2 year old does the same thing. I use the book "1-2-3 Magic" and I know why they call it magic. The best advice from it is to not get emotional when you are counting or disciplining. When my son talks back or is rude, I simply say "That's 1" in a calm voice. If it continues "that's 2, if I get to 3 you go to time out. Don't say anything more, don't get upset or emotional. They feed off that and it makes it worse. I learned this the hard way after a couple of melt downs myself. The counting works, well, like magic and I've even used it in my classroom with my 7th graders! Good luck!

A time out place. Y'know that SuperNanny on
ABC is something to get some examples from. But definitely a time out place, do not respond to his bad behavior, because he's trying to get a charge out of you. Maybe your angry responses are funny to him.

Start teaching about respect too. At his level. "You're being very naughty to mommy, so mommy's putting you in the time out chair" Hugs, I love yous, see you in 10 minutes.