Blended Family Rebellion

It could be that your son is rebellious because he's crying out for attention, even bad attention for misbehaving. You mentioned that 2 of your children were special needs kids; maybe the 11 yo feels neglected somehow. Usually when kids act this way it is because they have some issue going on inside them. (I've got a 14 year old boy who is now having mood swings, etc, after his dad died 2 months ago) I would strongly suggest that you find another therapist if this one doesn't seem to be helping. Sometimes all it takes is a fresh approach. I take my son to Arthur Brand in Boca, and I think he's very good. (And it's right across from Town Center Mall!!)LOL....seriously, you really need to address this NOW because as boys get older and bigger, they are even harder to control. You might even consider family therapy, where all of you, or at least you and your husband and son, go together. Give your son some time with his friends as a reward for going. (Or a new video game, or something). It sounds like you and your husband have your own issues relating to your son's behavior....it affects the whole family. Even if you and your husband went, you could learn some skills for dealing with your son, and working together as a team. What you don't want is for your son's behavior toward his new dad to drive your husband away, or drive a wedge between the two of you. It is very hard for men to deal with emotions like rejection. Take good care of your man....every day let him know how much you love him, and how special he is to you and important to the family, even if your son doesn't show it right now. APPRECIATION is what motivates a man to stay around even when things aren't ideal. Don't allow him to check out emotionally. Kids do eventually grow up and move out....your relationship with your husband has to be the priority.

Sorry that was so long....you know another good therapist is Dr. Laura Marullo, who is also a friend of mine. Ask her about family therapy....I'm not sure if she does that but she can point you in the right direction.

R.,
My biological father abandoned me at a young age too so all I know is my step dad. I was not adopted by my step dad which was fine because I never wanted it. Although I love my step dad and have the deepest appreciation for all that he had done for our family while I was growing up and living at home, as a child, I resented him. I ignored him, called him names...treated him badly by constantly reminding him that he "wasn't my father." I believe this behavior your son is exhibiting towards your husband is natural, hurtful as it may be. Your son, however young he is, still feels the rejection of his father....and in turn is turning his feelings towards your husband. The only thing I can say in my situation is that my step dad had children from a previous marriage so he already had a "connection" with children. He loved me but gave me my space. Perhaps he knew that one day I'd come around and believe me, it took years! I am 36 years old with 3 children of my own now so I can only imagine how tough it was for my step dad to deal with me. Your husband needs to love your son...but understand that your son may always feel rejected by his biological father and those feelings may not be reconciled until one of two things occurs: he meets his father in person one day to ask all the questions he has for him ( I had to meet my father and did...and it did not turn out well) or when your son becomes a parent one day to understand how difficult it is to be on the recieving end of a child's biting tongue.

Hi R., I am sorry you are going through this. I am wondering if your son is not testing both you and your husband. I think you mentioned his biological father abandoned him and I am thinking he might be testing to see if you two will leave him as well. I know adults do this all the time and do not realize it. You might want to try and sit down with him and tell him that no matter what he does or what he says, you are both always going to be there for him and that you will love him forever and you are not going anywhere!! You might want to see if you can get him to open up and talk about what his bio dad did to him, and let him know this is not going to happen again.
Good luck and don't give up on him!
L.

R.,

I think you have 2 main issues with your son that I get out of what you have described...

1. Your son does not respect authority and is at the point, now, of actually rebelling against it. The rebellion (to a small extent is normal for the tween/teen age years) however, it sounds as though there is no respect for you, his dad (adopted or not), or the rules. You need to make it EXTREMELY clear that when he breaks a rule there are consequences. Be careful about what those consequences are so that you aren't using things like having to spend time with the family as a punishment (you could just set the rule that he has to be inside with no computer/video games, etc).

2. This is the biggest problem that I see. Your son has abandonment issues. He believes (he may not say it and my completely protest at you bringing up the idea but he has all the signs) deep down that at some point he will do something wrong enough and this dad will leave him too. The best way to overcome this is dependent on his dad (adoptive). Any and Every time your son says something hurtful to either of you, you both need to immediately stop what you are doing and look at your son and say, "No matter what you say to me and how much it hurts me...I will always love you!". Your son doesn't understand UNconditional love. Never say, "I love you but..." because that puts a condition on your love.

Your sons abandonment issues and his rebellion are directly linked.

At this point you should have a one on one with his therapist: make sure they know what is going on, that you don't see these issues improving with the therapy, the therapist should be willing to lay out a plan with you guys and if not you need to get your son to a new therapist because anyone who says they are trying to help but is not willing to lay out a plan isn't going to be helping the situation - They are just collecting a check. As much as I think therapy is great for your son so that he has a "middle" party to talk to, I think it is just as important for you guys to have FAMILY therapy. He needs to learn better ways of communicating his feelings to you (other than blurting them out in anger) and you guys may need to learn a few tricks that will actually help him respond better. You would be amazed at how easy just changing how parents say things can change how the kids respond.

Wishing you all the best!

Dear R.,

How old is your son? I have resentment issues with my kids as well.

First, I would tell your husband to back off trying to spend time with your son. Let your son ask for your husband's attention. Your son's behavior is unacceptable to both of you. Let your husband explain to your son why he was not spending time with him.

Kids today need to learn that their CRUEL behavior is not acceptable to either 1 of you.

I was told by my son's therapist to back off. That's what I think your husband's needs to do.

Good luck,

G. H.

R.,

I have a blended family. My oldest son is from my first marriage. Thankfully I didn't have quite the issues you are having, but here is my advice. Part of the issues that your son is going through is normal kid stuff, he is testing the boundaries. You need to set limits and rules for him. If he breaks the rules there need to be consequences. As for spending time with his dad, that is something that I wouldn't push. That is a relationship that needs to develope in it's own time. The more you push it the more likely the both of them are going to resent not just each other but you as well. Sit your son down explain to him what you expect of him as far as rules go, don't mention spending time with his dad. For example, let him know that when he goes out to play and you call him in that he is expected to come in the first time he is called. If that does not happen then he will be punished accorningly, whatever you think would be appropriate for not following the rules and so on. The relationship with dad will fall in eventually you just can't push it or it will never develop. My son has a great relationship with his step-father, but I stood back and let it happen naturally I didn't push it.

I hope this helps.

S.
35 y/o SAHM of 3 boys 14, 6 and 3

Hi, Rene. Is your son starting puberty a little early? This may be why he is acting out.

On the other hand, how was he abused by his birth father? He may be starting to remember, or acting out because he has painful emotions that he doesn't know where they came from. He may remember things that he doesn't know how to deal with; he may be ashamed of something or feel guilty about something and not know how to deal with it. It sounds like he's actively seeking to be punished, which is one way to deal with guilt. The problem is that when a child doesn't come clean with what he's feeling guilty about, he never resolves the pain and never gets to move forward.

Somehow, someone has to get him to come out with what he's feeling. What about family therapy, so that a therapist can see how he's reacting to his family? I've seen that a lot of times, kids in individual therapy don't tell their therapists anything at all about how they are acting out at home, and the therapists thing they are absolute angels. I think it might be good for all of you to work with a therapist, who may be able to coax out of your son what's bothering him.

Even though he may not have known his birth father very well, he may be missing him. He may just be missing the CONCEPT of his birth father. He may be wishing that his birth father loved him enough to be a real dad to him, and he's feeling disloyal to the birth father by loving his stepfather. He may believe somehow that it was all his fault. He may be acting out the ways that his father acted; those actions could be very deeply imprinted on his mind, and he might not even know why he wants to act like his birth father. He could have a million feelings that are getting in the way of being a family with you and your husband.

I think if you make sure that you all work together as a family, it will eventually be an antidote to what's going on with your son.

I pray that he heals from whatever is hurting him, and that your family becomes as one again.

Peace,
Syl

R.,
I am so sorry for your frustration. I can sympathize with what you are going through. I am a family therapist wtih a private practice in Longwood. I specialize in Blended Family issues. If you would like to give me a call for a consultation, I would be more than happy to see how I can help. take care and good luck.

E. Davis, MS
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
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Wow. This sounds so hard! I guess my initial instinct is that he is trying to have your husband prove that he loves him. Kinda like testing him... "if he loves me, he'll respond in this manner".

Maybe he's also feeling some rejection from his biological father or starting to understand and put pieces together about his adoption and lack of relationship with his biological father. I imagine all of this is quite painful and therefore causes him to act out.

The biggest gift you and your husband can give his is to reassure him that no matter what you still love him. That in essence his bad behavior can certainly hurt or disappoint you and your husband but it won't push you away from him. Make sure that he realizes that you guys won't abandon him too.

But at the same time, he can't blatantly disrespect your rules, i.e. not coming home when he's told to. I guess try to get him to understand that there are wordly consequences to his behavior... not just your consequences...

I am constantly telling my 3 year old "Not everyone in this world is your friend. There are some really not nice people out there. It is my job to make sure that those people are not nice to you. If you don't stay where I can see you (as I have asked you to do) then I can't do my job and keep you safe". I would suggest you need to convey this to him on his much older level- even if it means having him speak with a police officer, etc.

I strongly encourage you to maintain your counseling. Perhaps even go as a family.

I wish you the best of luck as you and your family walk this journey together.

--P.

Hi R.,

One quick question for clarification... you mention in your bio that you are a stay at home mom of three, and that two of your children have special needs. I am wondering if your 11 year old is one of the children with special needs, or if it is your other two children. Just thinking this might make a difference in the way folks respond.

I don't 100% think that your son's bad behavior is ENTIRELY due to the fact that your husband is his Stepfather...vs/ biological. Does your son remember his biological father? I know that your husband has been in your son't life for at least 4 years, so since he was 7. Most children don't remember much of their life before they are about 4 or 5 (unless traumatic)....I think your son is crying out for discipline. Not spanking or anything like that, but just discipline. Does your husband do any of that, or do you just handle it? I ask because I am remarried, and my husband has been in my daughter's life since she was 3 years old. She is 16 now. She definately does not respect my husband as much as she respects me, and that is mainly due to the fact that I am in charge of all the discipline. When the step parent is only a "sunny day" parent, then disrespect can happen. Consistancy is the main thing. The rules need to be that same whether your son is with you, or with your husband, or both. Being disrespectful, by calling someone names or downing them, should result in a punishment. And the punishement should be pretty much the same no matter where you are, or who your son is with, or who he is disrespecting. Also not coming home. That deserves a punishment. It should be the same every time. Repeated offenses in the same day, and the punishment should escalate. Yes, your son gets angry when he is grounded. He should be angry, but he should be angry with himself. He needs to realize that he is the one controlling what happens, based on his behavior. I know it sounds dumb, but we watch Supernanny with our teen all the time. It is great because we watch these misbehaving kids, and how she deals with them, and how the parents can't handle them, and it helps her understand what is expected, and helps us understand our responsibility. Trust me, watch it as a family one night. You will really be amazed. Even thought most of the kids are little on the show, there are teens and tweens on there too. But honestly, now is the time to really get a strong discipline program in place. BEFORE your son is a teen. BEFORE he is driving a car. BEFORE his grades are for college. Empower your husband. Have a family meeting. Make the rules up together. All 3 of you. For example..write down everything that you find unacceptable. Cursing, calling names, not listening, not observing curfew, etc. Then vote on what should happen when those things are done. Write it down, have everyone sign it. Put the good things. Taking out trash, good grades, whatever. Make rewards for those things. Make rewards doing things as a family, or with your husband (Guy time) etc. For punishments, take away what will sting. Don't send him to his room if it is filled with toys and fun. Take away the computer, the cell phone, for big infractions take away extra curricular stuff. It is hard in the beginning, but once your son realizes that you and your husband are on the same page. And realizes that the rules are the same, every day, no matter what...like when you are sick, or when you are on the phone, or when you are on vacation (I STILL tell my daughter, "There are corners to stand in, even in DISNEY WORLD!) she laughs, but she knows what I mean. Even if it is inconvenient, we need to be consistant. I hope this helps. I am sure he is a good kid. Remember, he cant lash out at his real Dad for all the hurt that he caused, so your husband is also the scapegoat there too. But just like abusing your son was not okay for his real Dad, abusing his Stepdad is not okay either. Name calling and downing people is a bad habit. You can still break it, but you need to make sure that your son takes it as seriously as you both do. Good luck! Stay strong. You are raising a husband here!

Sounds like your son is trying to tell you that all is not well with him. He is trying to show you by acting out that he has feelings that are unresolved and that are really hurting him that he doesn't know how to express to you. Tell your husband to let your son come to him. Try to relate to him as an uncle would, rather than a father. Be patient and give him unconditional love, but set clear boundaries with clear consequences.
I married my dh ten years ago and my son was ten years old. My dh adopted my son and they went through many trials through the years. It has been tough, but perseverence pays off.
Be patient, listen, be patient, listen, be patient, listen - is the key.

Take Care,
T.

I didn't read the other responses so I'm sorry if I just repeat what anyone else has already said

I had to giggle (sorry, but I did) when you wrote that he gets mad when you ground him... Ummm, sorry, but that's how you know it's working. If you give a child a consequnce and they like it then it wasn't an effective consequence. Biological or not, you AND your husband are his parents and have a responsibility to discipline him and teach him that it's not OK to be disrespectful to either one of you. If he says he'll be back whenever he feels like it, then he should not be allowed out at all. When he breaks a rule, there needs to be a logical consequence, it needs to be consistant, it needs to be followed through, and he needs to know ahead of time if HE is CHOOSING to break established rules then HE is CHOOSING to have the established consequence. He needs to take responsibility for his actions. ("You have to be home in 30 minutes. If you are late, you will not be allowed to go out tomorrow.")As for trying to spend time with him, you are defeating the whole purpose if you force him to spend time with you doing an activity he doesn't want to do and during a time he doesn't want to do it. Have a family meeting and involve him in decision making so he feels important. Let him know you want him to help figure out how you can spend quality time together. My son loves board games-- we also play video games together for one-on-one time. As for your husband, your son is learning how to be a man and how to treat others by watching him. He IS your son's father now and needs to step up and do his job. It is NOT OK for him to allow your son to speak disrespectfully to him just because your husband is afraid of what will happen if he gets tough on him. If he allows your son to speak down to him, he will not respect him. It will only get worse as he gets older so get a handle on it now and stop allowing him to be disrespectful

time for tuff love! If he gets an allowance fine him give him a list of chores he has to do. no do no money He starts up fussing go to your room

Fire that therapist immediately, your son should be getting better not worse!

sounds like he may be ODD (oppositional defiant disease) take him to your family doctor and check around for a reputable therapist of quality.

Have your husband explain he know that he cannot be the childs dad and is not trying to, only to be a friend for now, and if it gets farther than that, fine. Let him tell him that he wants him to have a relationship with his bio.
You and He should withdraw from kissing your son's butt. The boy is only 11 and he is treating you all with great disrespect, no matter what his issues, are, when his mouth gets like that, it is time to take off the kids gloves and tell him it will not be tolerated and have a consequence for it.

Why are the two of you not placing limits and sticking them to him? You are allowing him to set the mood for your household with is negativity and poor attitude and he is feeding off and into it.
Arrange a time for him and that bio dad to meet to discuss things. tell him that he should try to have a relationship with the bio and encourage it, you will lose nothing and you will not lose him, he knows where his bread is buttered and who cares most.

Don't allow him to run you all over, It is wrong for him to do, and doubly wrong for you to allow it. Being a lax parent to pacify him and keep him whinning will be the downfall of your family. Get vigilant letting him know who is the parent and who is the child.

From the book of wisdoms:

"Teach a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart."

"A disobedient child will never prosper."

"Children, obey your parents for this is right, honor thy father and thy mother so that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee."

Recite these to him and brand them in your memory.

God bless you, and may you have peace within your gates.

Jen H.

hi R.,
since your family is open to therapy (having been to counseling), i HIGHLY recommend that you and your husband attend the personal development course called "The Living Course" (TLC, for short). please check the website (www.pdcseminars.com). i'm with a wonderful man who has 2 children (9 and 3 years old). both of us have attended the course and are still involved with it. the tools we learned and continue to learn there have been an INVALUABLE component of our relationship, thus improving each relationship within our blended family. i guarantee it WILL change your life! good luck to you!
regards,
vanessa

I was the same way. He is infused with hormones right now. I was also in a home with my mother and step-father. We had a nasty relationship for many years. I grew up and we now get along. It is a phase. Go with the flow and do your best. Things will change all the time. Hang in there. The most important thing is to parent together. If you disagree with each other do it privately. The best thing to do is be good examples of a couple, man and woman. Children learn how to be men, woman, and couples from their parents. Pass the tests. As adults you are expected to be rocks...even though it hurts...you need not to take it personally. He is just a kid and very confused at this time. Only time will heal him and only through his own experiences, challenges, mistakes and successes will he learn...not through therapy. Therapy will only help him to express his feelings, vent and maybe get it for the moment. Hormones will overpower any knowledge for a while. Be strong and be mature...no matter what it takes or what it may seem right now.
Great Luck.
L.