Bizarre Behavior After Visiting Family

Hi T.,

Whether or not your daughter is affected by her visits to her aunt's house, you are being affected.

This is a tough situation for you to approach, but you can approach it with an attitude of love that will help you get through it.

There is a format to express your feelings that is non accusatory and loving:

"When I Bring my daughter over to your house for a visit,

during the night at home after the visit she.................(describe the behaviors your daughter does)

"I feel concerned and worried that.............(describe what you observe her children doing) is affecting my child.

"Do you have any suggestions on how to help me with this issue or situation?"

Good luck, Hope this helps. Secrets are not helpful to anyone. D.

I agree that you will need to respond to your sister's requests with a little more transparency, but you can definitely find a way to say it in the least affronting way. My Sister-in-Law and Mother-In-Law are constantly after me to let my daughter 2 1/2 spend the night with them. I simply tell them that she doesn't do well if she doesn't spend the night in her own bed, even if I am there with her, so I'm not about to let her spend the night without me. Chances are they'd either spend the night trying to soothe her to sleep or end up calling me at 2am to come and get her.

You don't have to say that it is anything that your sister is doing or not doing with her children. Just say that your daughter wouldn't do well in that situation.

I also agree that it is probably just the high level of stimulation that is affecting your daughter. Once again, there is a way to do what is best by your daughter while preserving your relationship with your sister as well.

I agree with the notes on the "high-energy" of your sisters's kids and household. I have two boys and while we discipline them often, they are boys. They are non stop motion and while we wouldn't allow standing on the table, they are usually non-stop from the time they wake up until the time they go to bed. My 1-year-old is pretty sick often but that doesn't stop him from constant motion so I would say some of that is normal and it may just be overwhelming for your daughter. Girls just behave differently than boys.

As far as sleepovers go, I agree that I don't want my kids sleeping over anywhere until I know they are old enough and they can communicate any issues that occur. I know I am a bit overprotective of my kids in that regard, but really I think it is just more work for the other parents too and my kids need to be older.

Good luck!

Hello T.,
A sleepover at her age is ridiculous even if it's the aunt. I don't think you have to feel bad for just saying no, she's too young. IF she presses you you might consider telling her about the odd behaviour. I was in a similar situation it was a long time before I told my sister how her son's behviour effected my daughter. My youngest son was 5 at the time and my daughter almost 3 when my sister and husband and her youngest came for a visit. Her son and my son are 2 weeks apart. He was very active. My son has ADD so I control things, sugar intake atmosphere. I control things that could "feed" it. He's not a bad boy at all, not hyper but my nephew-classic ADHD! I asked my sister about him and ADHD she said, "oh he doesn't have anything like that!" Is she crazy maybe disillusioned yes. I must say though in her defense, they don't dicipline him at all so that could actually be the culprit. Afterall he is the baby! When she would give my son a huge piece of birthday cake, I would say, "you don't give a kid with ADD 6 C of sugar! When I could I would say things that I was hoping would be a suggestion to her in controlling her child. My daughter was having the very same reaction as your daughter is. After they left if took about 6 months to overcome! When my sister has spoken about visiting again, she lives 2000 miles my husband says they have to get a hotel if the "devil" child is coming. I agree, I can't have his prescence have the traumatic influence on our daughter. Don't feel bad about saying no. When it seemed my sister was coming I said in passing, I was a little concerned the impact of her son would have on my little girl. My sister laughed and said, yeah he seems to have that impact with other kids. so it's not only me. Sadly, I haven't heard anymore of a visit, BUT I don't think it has anything to do with that situation, but other things going on in her life. If they do visit, they will be at the hotel down the road! For their privacy and comfort of course! lol.
Learn to say NO and be impowered!
L.

Hi T.,

This is a little odd, and at her age, it's really hard to know what's going on, other than that whatever it is, she's processing it at night, and if she's screaming and scared.

How does this correspond with the behavior you see while they kids are together? Does she have fun? Does she shy away from the rougher kids ? Does she hang close you?

Obviously YOU aren't comfortable with what happens after a visit to your sister's, so at this point, I think I'd keep my child home. Let her get a little older before she has sleep-overs. (Mine did stay at my sister's at a young age, but they never had nightmares aftewards)

If don't think you have to tell your sister that your daughter appears to be petrified of her cousin, but you can. Let her know that your child has nightmares after she visits, without incriminating her child in the process. Just say that she's used to a different level of activity, and she doesn't sleep after spending time in their home. If she were to spend the night there, she'd keep your sister up all night, and you don't want to do that to her anymore than you want to be up all night the next night. She'll probably outgrow it, and be fine, and when she is, then she can do overnights without mom.

Otherwise, I think I'd spend the night with my daughter at my sister's house. Let her sleep with you ane everything, so she feels safe.

Kids have a way of letting us know very very plainly when they need something, or something isn't wrong. We as adults don't always pick up the cues, but I think you caught this one load and clear. On the other hand, she isn't bruised or anything, just scared. So it doesn't sound like it's a necessarily dangerous situation, but it does mean she's most likely afraid of her cousin. If your sister wants to conquer this one, she's going to have to teach her son to be more gentle.

My sister's family was always roudier than our household. IT was okay with my older girls, cuz they were the same ages, but when my "2nd set" of 2 girls arrived, 10 years later (oopsie), they were afraid of her boys. The boys were never horrible or anything, but they were "big" and the "moved too fast" for the girls -- esp the elder of the two because she is a quiet and introverted child. That's not to say she isn't friendly. She's great with people, she just doesn't do wild in-your-face stuff. Even now, at 15, the 19 yr old plus cousins intimidate her. They are strangers, really, and she doesn't have relationships with them, so when they are around, talking loudly and not making efforts to get to know the girls, the girls simply ignore them. It's kind of too bad, cuz they are the only cousins anywhere near their ages, but that's the way life is for them. They have lots of adult cousins who are good with them, and whom they enjoy. :-)

In the end, you can't force them to like their cousins, but you can protect them when they are young from being in fearful situations unnecessarily.

Good luck !

You need to find out if she is having nightmares or night terrors. If she acknowledges your presence when you go into her bedroom she might be having nightmares. If she is calmed by you just putting your hand on her back and not much else she might be having night terrors. My son had those really bad for about a month after we got back home from visiting our family in IN. He has night terrors maybe once a night now instead of 4-5 times a night. They will get better as time goes on if they are night terrors. It's the change in the routine that disrupts there norm. Hope this helps!

ok, here are just my thoughts, maybe other people will have some different things to say.
Number One, A BIG NO on the sleep over thing. She isn't even 2 for goodness sakes. I just don't like the idea of my kids not being able to clearly communicate every need or feeling to a caregiver, albeit your mom and sister could probably figure most of her needs out, but I would want my kid to be able to tell me everything that happened that they liked or didn't like, whatever. Especially if your household rules, behavior expectations are as different as they seem. It would be one thing if you needed the sleepover due to an emergancy or something, but just for fun, No.

As for the night mare type stuff, I would honestly just chalk it up to your daughter processing the "higher energy" atmosphere. Because it wasn't what she was used to -louder, rowdier what ever she was probably just on a bit of a sensory overload and dreamed about it.
As long as she wasn't unsupervised and being tortured or something by the older kids, i wouldn't worry to much about it. But trust your gut, and if it makes you uncomfortable and she continues to wake alot when you visit with them try to keep the visits shorter or somehow give her a way to have some down time.
just my 2 cents
sorry if i broke any grammar rules, teach (smile)

Hi T.,
I don't see that telling your sis would bring about anything positive. It's not going to change her kids and may make her feel bad. I agree that she is probably over-stimulated during the visits and the sleepless nights are a result. She is still pretty young, and yes, boys are a LOT different than girls.
As for the sleep overs--I agree she is just too young for that. My son is almost 6 and just now are we considering letting him go to/have sleep overs. Of course, a relative is a little different, but considering her sleep issues when she's around her cousin, it's probably a bad idea at this time. Just thank your sister for the offer, but tell her you think she is still too young.

I really don't mean to be rude or anything, but I just wanted to let you know that the "bizarre" behavior of your nephew isn't really too bizarre...it's a normal 2 1/2 year old boy's behavior! They are all high energy! Believe me...I have one! (although I don't agree with the standing at the dinner table part, the running & jumping is totally normal and an every day occurrance in our house!) It just may be your daughter's reaction or way of processing the different environment, like PP said.

It is obvious that you are concerned. I think you should tell your sister what is going on. tell her you are concerned not trying to point fingers. just as you explained in your questions and concerns to us. i think it is better to be truthful and upfront. it is hard when kids are little and you can not ask them why they are upset since they are too young to verbalize. you need to remember too that you have to set a good example for your kids. you would want them to be upfront and honest if they have problems. good luck

Is she perfectly on schedule? I mean is she going to bed at the same time as at home or is she getting to sleep later than usual? When my son (who is almost 5) gets to sleep too late he does the same thing...wakes up sobbing and uncontrollable. He has done this all his life and we finally tracked it down to being off his schedule and getting to bed later than usual. As a matter of fact I had thought these were over because it has been a while since he has had one but just last night he was up---all night long--crying hysterically. We had put him to bed much later than usual because of the Super Bowl. I was talking to a mom at his preschool about it and she said the same thing would happen to her daughter .

If not this I would really examine how your nephew treats her. Could he be possibly nasty to her and you not see? Does he hit her or do anything unusual??

Oh-and I wouldn't let her sleep over there until you are good and sure this has been resolved.

I agree with Kay. There is no reason at her age that she needs to do sleepovers. I would use that as the reason to say no. The next time your families get together supervise their play. For peace of mind you need to find out what is happening when they play. It may just be the chaotic nature of the house. My sisters family is the same way and my oldest always had night terrors when we slept at their house. we started staying at a hotel and they stopped. My sister is a little hurt by the situation but you do what is right by your kids.

I would not mention the sleep issues to your sister unless you sleep at their house and it happens.

Good luck and have fun with your little ones.