Picking up Child from Sleepover 1Am

As annoying as it is to have to get up out of bed and pick up a kid at one AM a teenager should ALWAYS feel it's an option to be picked up and taken home. Who knows what was really going on, even if she's known the family for years maybe someone was being mean to her or doing something that was making her uncomfortable, and she was just using the nightlight as an excuse.
I really hope you get over being "upset" about this. Parenting is often inconvenient, you'd better get used to it :-(

Kids always need an "out" and a soft place to land. Please don't make her feel badly for this. Let her know you will pick her up ANYTIME she feels uncomfortable in any situation.

Added: 7th grade is not too old for a nightlight..especially in someone else's home.

I don't think I'd be upset with either but then again I wouldn't have spent 20 minutes on the phone trying to find a solution. I would have just gotten in the car and gotten the kid. Sometimes the noises, smells, or general feeling at someone else's house causes a child to feel a little unsettled for really no reason other than its different than home. It happened when kids slept over at my house a couple times.

ETA: Too old for sleepovers?!?!? LMAO!! I have high schoolers that are still "HANGING OUT" - it's the new term for sleep overs...you have your crew, squad, gang - whatever you call your group! Soo sad that parents feel that this age is too old - this is when the fun starts! You learn so much about your kids and how they socially react to things....sooooo sad that kids will miss out because parents have told them (or shamed them?) that sleepovers are for babies.

L.,

I would hazard to guess there was something else going on and this was her excuse.

I would NOT be upset with her. She knows something isn't right. She's using her gut instinct and instead of coming out and saying "something isn't right" she's using the night light as an excuse.

I would ask her what her gut was telling her. Why she was uncomfortable, but I would NOT be upset with her for wanting to come home.

It could be that she started her period and didn't feel comfortable telling anyone?? Ask open-ended questions...but don't badger her. TALK WITH HER - not TO her!

I can't imagine why you would be so upset that you would be working at trying to be calm.

Something happened. Maybe it's the nightlight, maybe it isn't. All kinds of things happen at these sleepovers - there's tension among the kids, this one can't sleep in a crowd, that one can't sleep in a bed that's different from her own, they can't admit they are nervous without their families, sometimes there's some teasing or scary stories, sometimes there's something worse (like inappropriate or menacing behavior by an older brother or the father - and no, you can't say "but they seem like such nice people").

The thing to do with a nervous tween or teen (or child, for that matter) is to BELIEVE THEM. She called, she needed to be removed from a situation, os that's what you do. You teach them that parents (or in this case, aunt/uncle) are a safe harbor, a place to call when there's trouble even if they can't explain it. You want a kid to be able to call when there are kids pooling or trading their meds, when there's too much beer, when there is sexual pressure, anything. You want them to call when someone is too drunk to drive.

First, you take this is a compliment. Next, you let her go to sleep with zero questions. You let her get up in the morning and have breakfast and calm down. Later, you gently probe and see if you can figure out what else was going on. You don't shame her by saying "This is all about a nightlight?" or blame the other family for not being able to figure out a solution.

I disagree with the comment below that the kids are too old for sleepovers! For many kids, this is the age when sleepovers first start, and for many kids they continue through high school.

What is clear is that these 2 kids aren't able to have a sleepover right now. So you move on to other activities that are safe and fun. If there's a request for another sleepover with the same kid, you have to sit down and brainstorm it. If there's a request for a sleepover with another kid, you brainstorm that one.

But nothing good will come of this if you can't calm down and if your husband is really ticked off that he was called to go get a kid at 1 AM. She won't trust you, and you'll never get to the bottom of it to find out the real cause because she won't see you as open to discussion or a safe port in the storm.

Please don't be upset with either your niece or the host family. Please let your niece know that she can rely on you. No questions asked.

Now, of course, this doesn't apply to bailing her out of situations she has caused due to irresponsibility. If she forgets her homework due to laziness or poor planning, she doesn't get to call you and ask that you drop everything and deliver her homework. If she loses her phone or expensive new jacket out of pure lack of responsibility, you don't just replace it with no consequences.

But, if she's somewhere with friends and is uncomfortable, or if she wants to talk about a delicate situation, if she's having doubts about herself, if she is frightened, you're there. Don't give her any problems about the night light. If she wants to talk, listen.

What you and your husband did was a good thing. You tried to figure out a solution, and then you provided a safe exit for your niece.

We have a saying in our house, "it's never too late to come home from a sleepover." Meaning, we'll come get you at any time or we'll send your friends home at any time.

I'm wondering why she didn't bring her own nightlight.

That being said, I wouldn't be angry with either party.

Not really strange, no, and not to be upset over. Our rule for sleepovers has always been that we would pick up at any time, no questions asked, and would always allow a child sleeping over here to call home to be picked up. It might really have been the nightlight, or might not have been. It doesn't really matter - what is important is that you build the trust between your niece and yourselves (I'm assuming you are filling the role of parents?) so that she knows that whenever she needs to, she can make that middle of the night call and trust that you'll get her without being annoyed or angry. It's a good precursor to those later teen years when you want them to call you if they are out in a situation that is uncomfortable or out of control - a sleepover that turned into a party, a friend driving who is impaired, etc.

My girls know they can call me any time regardless of the hour and I will pick them up.

I would definitely not be upset with my child for this.

how about just not getting upset?
why do you have to 'try' to be calm?
this happens. sometimes a sleepover works great for everyone, and sometimes it works for most but not for all. and then the family picks up the one who can't cope.
i don't get why you need to be upset with someone.
your niece for not being able to sleep without a nightlight? someone should either have been working with her before this, or vetoed the sleepover, or sent her with a pack of glowsticks or something.
the family for not moving heaven and earth to accommodate one kid? did you inform them beforehand of her special needs? is it really that they're so stupid they 'can't figure it out for her' or that they made the sensible decision to allow the majority of kids to sleep happily and the one unhappy one to go home?
this is part of childhood. not part of my kids', admittedly, because they were acclimated early to sleeping in a variety of scenarios. but childhoods come with lots of curveballs, and this one is pretty minor. if you look for someone with whom to be upset every time, and have to struggle for calmness when a curveball comes your way, you're in for a rough row to hoe.
ETA there wasn't ever 'too old' (or 'too young') for sleepovers- my babies spent nights with grandparents, and my teens had sleepovers and we were a flophouse frequently until they moved out. hell, i still have sleepovers with my bestie! but now they involve haunted B&Bs and gourmet chocolates.......:)
khairete
S.

I get being annoyed at a middle-of-the-night disturbance, but there is no need to be upset with anyone.

Not everything in life is rational, particularly when it comes to fear or anxiety. Your niece coming home is a very normal response, and the host family's willingness to make that happen is appropriate.

Added: After reading through, I wanted to comment on the 'too old for sleepovers' thing. I didn't do many sleepovers before grade 6. When I was growing up, it was very common for teenage friends to spend the night at each other's houses all through high school. Your niece is certainly not too old. She may still be too young though.

Another thing - there is nothing abnormal about a 7th grader with a nightlight. Don't let anyone convince you to wage a battle over that.

Is this her first sleepover? It must be or *someone* would know that she needed a nightlight to sleep and sent her with one.

I wouldn't be upset with either one. My son is in 7th grade and went to a sleepover Friday night. I told him I'd keep my phone on and if something happened to call me and I would come get him (or my husband would). The first and last sleepover he went to he was about 8-9. The classmate had 3 older brothers that picked on him nonstop and it was horrible for him and I didn't know until I picked him up in the morning. If he had a cell phone back then and called at 1am, I would have gotten him then.

So the fact that your niece is 12 and knows she needs a night light and didn't take one is more her fault than the family not knowing this and not having a nightlight for her to use. Now everyone knows she needs one so it shouldn't be an issue next time she sleeps over anywhere. JMO. Good luck.

I wouldn't blame anyone ... these things just happen sometimes. Just learn from it. I wouldn't let her go to any more for a while. Some kids require special bedtime things like night lights, or need to read to fall asleep, etc. They don't always do well at sleepovers.

If it's 1 am and a child hasn't drifted off, typically they're overtired and will get stressed out if they can't nod off - especially if their friend is falling asleep, cranky parents ...they will just want to come home.

I've learned not to try to sort it out on the phone. It never works.

We had one like this and we just stopped letting him go on them. He can sleep well at relatives' houses, but if he was excited and stayed up too late, he couldn't wind down. Then it was whatever excuse ..

If it really was something as simple as a nightlight, that should have been communicated earlier and the girls would have had to have slept in different rooms. But again, if it would be a pain, then have a late over (just pick her up at 10 pm) instead. More sleep for everyone.

Learning experience. Don't be too mad at your niece. She likely feels badly already.

Never be upset with the child.
You never know what the real issue could be.
Just go pick her up & don't be mad.
Let her sleep in today so she can get rest.
My mom would never have been upset w/me.
It's never the same sleeping at someone else's house & it can be scary for
little ones.

Is this strange? Your husband is picking up your niece, not her parents. You niece is in 7th grade and can't sleep without a nightlight. You are trying to calm down over a non issue. 7th grader can't figure out how to work through this. Her parents or you didn't see this coming and plan for it.

Nah, nothing strange about that.

You should not be upset with ANYONE. Something spooked her and she wants to come home. Period. Anytime my kids called for whatever reason we went no questions asked. My son did that twice. Different places.

We weren't mad at all. Just got up, got him, and came home. End of discussion.

Why are you going to be mad at anyone? My 7th grader lugs a huge super soft pillow with her to sleepovers - she LOVES that thing. If she forgot it and asked for it, I would bring it. It's her thing.

I would not be mad at her for being uncomfortable, and I would not be mad at the family for not being able to accommodate. It is what it is. It may be something completely different that made her want to leave...and it may not have been appropriate for her to tell you on the phone.

So with this, you get over it. You don't be mad, you don't make ANYONE feel bad, and you move on. It's part of parenting. But why was your husband picking up the niece and not her parents?

When my child calls because he/she is uncomfortable and wants to come home, I go to get them. No questions asked. I have no idea why you would do anything different if you are caring for your niece. Please be more understanding and patient. It could be anything - maybe it was drugs, peer pressure, a sexual advance, or a pet that your niece is afraid of being near. Just pick her up, love her and figure it out along the way.

You shouldn't be upset with anyone. These things happen. Your niece needs a nightlight. The friends don't have one. They are not obligated to provide a nightlight, and your niece can't help that she needs a nightlight.

Therefore, from now on, your niece needs to bring a nightlight with her any time she has a sleepover, and plug it in. Problem solved. When you have kids, or nieces, sometimes you have to pick them up at 1 a.m. That's just the way it is.

I wouldn't waste time being upset. It sounds like she was not ready to go for a sleepover. If she can't advocate for a night light, she's not ready. Trying to blame someone for what was just-- in the big picture--one night of a really annoying situation isn't worth the psychic energy.

Well, time to pack a flashlight in her overnight bag.

We just stayed in a beach house with many other family members and this same issue popped up. The kids room upstairs had 2 queen beds and a bunk bed. My youngest nephew (age 4) cannot sleep with a nightlight on. He wants it totally dark. Another cousin also wanted it dark. My son cannot sleep without a light on...as in a bedside table light! I ended up moving him downstairs to sleep on the couch. Then the next night the other two biggest cousins also wanted to sleep downstairs on couches. My son ended up moving upstairs to the little playroom and sleeping on the couch in there. Anyway...I don't think you need to be upset with anyone. Some kids want darkness. Some kids want a nightlight. Some kids want a whole lamp turned on. My son is afraid of the dark and even though he is 11 he would be happy to sleep with the overhead light on! It's too bad your daughter could not sleep in a different room with a night light. Next sleepover try to figure this out first before you let her go. Sorry your night was so disruptive!

Updated

We just stayed in a beach house with many other family members and this same issue popped up. The kids room upstairs had 2 queen beds and a bunk bed. My youngest nephew (age 4) cannot sleep with a nightlight on. He wants it totally dark. Another cousin also wanted it dark. My son cannot sleep without a light on...as in a bedside table light! I ended up moving him downstairs to sleep on the couch. Then the next night the other two biggest cousins also wanted to sleep downstairs on couches. My son ended up moving upstairs to the little playroom and sleeping on the couch in there. Anyway...I don't think you need to be upset with anyone. Some kids want darkness. Some kids want a nightlight. Some kids want a whole lamp turned on. My son is afraid of the dark and even though he is 11 he would be happy to sleep with the overhead light on! It's too bad your daughter could not sleep in a different room with a night light. Next sleepover try to figure this out first before you let her go. Sorry your night was so disruptive!

My kids and the kids that come visit know if they want to go home for ANY reason all they have to do is call or ask me to call their parents.

I have had a sleep over guest come over and at 3am decide they want to go home. I was completely on my kiddo wanting to know if they'd had an argument, did they or the guest have any problems I needed to know about, they were fine and I wanted to know what happened to make them want to get their parents out of bed in the middle of the night.

If your child can't sleep without a night light they need to have one they can take with them. If the other kids can't sleep with it on then kiddo isn't ready to do sleepovers. Period.

Have pajama parties where they come in jammies and make big pallets on the living room floor with tons of blankets and pillows and stuffed animals and pop corn and non spill drinks and more. Then put in a few movies and parents come get kids at midnight.

I realize that you may feel embarrassed that she needed to be picked up, but please do not shame her. I am sure that having to leave is enough for her. Please be gentle to her. I hope she just came home, went to bed, and that was that. Nobody would have called you at 1AM if they didn't feel they needed to. Sometimes kids just have a rough night, even when they are older. We told my sks that they could call us at any hour and we'd get them.

Now, that said, you can talk to your niece at a calm moment about how to be prepared for situations like this. If you are raising your niece, there's more to this than a typical upbringing, and that may be a factor here. And in the meantime, no sleepovers. I'd let her stay til a time you chose, and then just bring her home. One of SD's friends was not allowed to stay here ever (her parents' choice) so she just stayed til 11 or so. Is this something she's done before OK and there's something different this time?

And why be upset with the family? We once had one of SD's friends on vacation with us and about 3 hours out, she got very upset at the hotel we stopped at. The girl had stayed with us before, but for some reason that night was just rough and we offered her parents the option to get her. They worked it out, the girl came on the trip, everything was fine later. But it wasn't anyone's "fault".

____________

Too old for sleepovers? OnePerfectOne, we did sleepovers at friend's houses through HS, and my SD and her BFF routinely stayed at each other's houses and still do (though now they both live in apartments). I wouldn't put an age limit on it, but be more concerned that she can't seem to stay.

ETA: I agree. It might not have been the light at all. It might have been an excuse for something else. We told the kids to tell us that they didn't have their key as a code for "please pick me up." Once SD said later that her BFF and father were fighting and it was so uncomfortable she didn't want to stay. Much better to pick her up than make her stay in that situation. You don't want your niece or any of the kids to feel that they can't call you if it's inconvenient.

I'm sure the family was so happy to be kept up at 1am bc of your niece so yeah, I'd be mad at them... Sarcasm.

If my kid was at a sleepover and needed to come home, I went and got her, whatever the time, whatever the reason.
No need to be upset at your niece - she needs a night light and the other family doesn't use them.
No need to be upset at the other family because they don't have night lights.
You and your niece now know that when planning sleepovers, night lights need to be discussed with the other family ahead of time.

Wow, I would be more concerned as to why a 7th grader still needed a night light. As a parent hosting the sleepover, I would have been baffled and not necessarily equipped to have a night light on hand for a child of that age.

Your niece needs to learn how to adapt to situations when away from home. I get picking up a child at 1 a.m. for sickness, but this was just nonsense. Mine would not be going to any more sleepovers for a while after that stunt.

You need to figure out why she has such a strong reaction to sleeping without a night light.

If your niece needs a night light then she can take one with her.
If her friend can't sleep with a night light then they can't sleep in the same room (does the family have a spare bedroom? not everyone does.).
Or the friend can wear one of those sleep masks that blocks lights from her eyes.

OR - just no more over nights and everyone can happily sleep in their own room the way each likes it with no fuss and bother for anyone else in the middle of the night.

There are little touch lights and many other small reading lights that she could have under her blanket in the future. My kids did a lot of "half sleep overs" where we would pick them up late so they could have fun with friends but sleep in their own beds.

Sounds like the niece needs to pack her OWN nightlight for any and all future sleep overs....this is definitely not the host families issue. It's hers. If she has the sleep rules, then she should have planned ahead.

And she's in the 7th grade? Wow, that's old to pull this on people. If she were 7 years old, I would have been very accommodating and realize that all sleepovers don't work out well.

A 7th grader is old enough to know, plan ahead and have thought about that at some point, before going to a sleepover.

Both...it should've been figured out in advance.

I don't think it is strange at all. I actually have a friend that had a nightlite in college. And to help her roommate sleep, they hung a curtain between the beds at night to block the light from her friend using clothes pins taped to the ceiling. Easy and temporary solution. I would not be upset with either party

Frustrating, yes. Who to be upset with? I'm not sure there is anyone. It is what it is.

Although by 7th grade I would hope she would understand that maybe sometimes there won't be a night light. But I get being scared. She needs to think ahead and realize there may not be one, and decide whether it's worth it to stay there or not.

But if a kiddo is scared or uncomfortable, she should always be able to come home. That's really the bottom line. No big deal.

She's at a transitional age. Next time tell her to pack a night light in her back pack if she needs one.

If she can't sleep without one-which sounds like a well-known characteristic of hers to her family- she needs to bring one.

It's not any stranger that the family couldn't rig up a night light for one child while another one can't sleep with one than for you to not send one. I would have trouble if multiple kids were in my living room and wanted it dark but one kid needed a light. It's also sort of strange for her to feel she could trouble the hosts like this and cause long phone calls and people to drive at 1am. Sounds like all the other kids could sleep without one, so should the hosts have sent her off on her own away from other kids where there could be a light?

Send one in the future for her to keep beside her.

Wild Woman's post was interesting. Maybe something else was the issue. If it was JUST the nightlight, she may be too immature for sleepovers.

Your niece is not mature enough to sleep over.

You should be upset her own mother or father are not picking her up, but not a host who has been annoyed at 1am by 'not-their child' for a nightlight.

This family called because they could not handle your niece and wanted her drama out of their home. This drama might be because her parents are not handling her. I agree with not shaming her. She has mental issues and this is how they are manifesting themselves.

ETA: wow! So many OVER-REACTIONS to my "too old" comment.
Ok--here's my HONEST opinion: if your 7th grade niece can't "hang" now without squabbling over a nightlight? That's immature.
If I invited my sons friends to a " sleepover"? They would crack up and ask if they are 6. Late nights, crashing on the couch, etc. are all fine. But seriously "sleepover" implies a more sophomoric activity. That's what I meant. WW--"shaming him"? Hardly. Acting like he's a toddler and I need to set up "sleepovers" and "play dates? Yeah, pretty embarrassing.

7th grade niece?
It's not her house, if they HAD to sleep in the same room, your niece could have put a pillow over her head or something.
Mine (boy) is in grade 7. To tell you the truth, I think 7th grade is getting too old for sleepovers.

I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

This is why I reserved sleepovers with non family members until my kids turned 10. LOL

Every one parents differently.

We had a sleep over once and the two little girls from the house behind ours came to sleep over the older girl was 10 but her little sister was only 6 and didn't make it past after dark. The more sleepy she got the more she wanted to be with her mom. It was so sad and so cute at the same time. We took her home and she came back early in the morning for pancakes.

She wasn't ready for the adventure but the next year when she was 7 she told us she is was a big girl now and stayed the entire night. She was the only one under 10 allowed to stay the night. Just too cute for me to say no to. I hope everything worked out well.

Some homes are so dark that you just have to have one...I do.