I have been blessed with a VERY well behaved, mild, sweet son. He is in daycare 2 days a week and has been for a year and a half. He has always been a very easy child up until a few weeks ago. Its like a switch went on and he has become a VERY difficult child. I think he is giving up his nap and we have had some sleep issues. He wakes up at night some times and thinks there are "bad guys" or "monsters" in his room. He has been fresh and today was the worst. I had put him in time out for not doing what I asked him to do and was VERY fresh. I left his room and heard him on the monitor say that he was going to throw all of his stuff at me and I would die. I WAS SHOCKED!!!!! I don't think he knows what that means, and I went right into his room and tried to explain that what he was saying was not nice. I have no idea where this behavior is coming from, we have a 1 year old and I feel like all I have been doing the past few weeks is yelling! He is not listening anymore, he is not doing what I ask and I am at the end of my rope! We don't allow him to watch any movies or shows that are above his age rating, but I don't know where he is coming up with some of the things he says. (shoot, dying, etc.) Anyone going through similar behavior? Any advice? I just want my sweet son back, I really miss him!!
Thanks
Thanks for all of the great responses... I spoke to his teacher, who had also said he was having some mild behavior issues at school. I think I have it narrowed down to a few things. Yes, there is a child at school with him (he is 5) that is allowed to play video games and does not have the best sensorship with what he watches and he in particular has HORRIBLE behavior issues (being delt with through school, etc). My son seems to have great days if he has a good nights sleep, and if he has nightmares during the night (very active imagination) then we have a more challenging day. The incident I discussed has not happened again and I have to believe that he was just very overtired (that night he told me he wanted to go to bed at 6 at night! So, again, thanks for the advice, the past few days have been WONDERFUL!
Can you ask the Daycare people if there are any new older kids or new providers that recently showed up. This is kind of strange behavior for it to come out of no where. Usually kids become progressively angry, more and more, not just out of the blue, unless exposed to something ...
D. dear, I am a mother of seven, foster mother of about thirty, grandmother of (almost)14, great grammie of one.
I find children are rather like themometers. If behavior changes suddenly, radically, there is usually a reason.
First I would take him to the doctor for a checkup.
You need to talk with this boy and see what is going on here.
Four is an unusual age for this sort of behavioral change.
See if someone is scaring him, hurting him, touching him.
The anger directed at you could be direct result of him being angry because you are not there to protect him from .....whatever.
The language usage is strange too. If he is not seeing shows on tv that use that sort of dialog...isnt it peculiar he should come up with it on his own?
Based on what doctor says, on what son says when you talk with him...and please say, IT IS OK FOR YOU TO TELL MUM ANYTHING NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE ELSE SAYS. Mum and Dad are the ones who fix things and keep you safe.
I would then think of probing that day care. Look at neighbors, older children, relatives.
Who is this boy alone with?
Now, at about five children usually go through a phase of being boss of themselves. They talk back, misbehave...are searching their limits and stop signs. They realize they can do things on their own. This could simply be a precocious child, a bit ahead of himself. And your response should be firm and calm. Without anger. An immediate response, sit on chair, stair, whatever, one minute for each year of age..and say when you put him there, I am putting you on the timeout spot because you ......da da da da....hit Mom, talked back, did not mind. Whatever is appropriate.
He needs to STAY on that spot, if he gets off, return him and tell him his time starts again because he got up.
Do not talk with him when he is there.
At the end of his timeout tell him you put him there because HE did whatever that was naughty, you need to hear him say he is sorry, then a hug and a kiss.
As far as the "monsters" go, you could put a nightlight in his room or give him a flashlight that makes them go away.
But my gut instincts tell me could well be more behind this behavior. Particularly because of the anger and the language and the sudden appearance of the monsters.
I do wish you the best, I will be praying for you.
Take care of you and God bless
Grandmother Lowell
D.,
You've recieved some good advice from the respondents so far.
The other thing to remember is he is 4 and 4 is typically the age when children are changing from 'baby to child' and starting to exhert separation from mommy as they know they are no longer a baby.
All of my children went through a period of change at the age of 4. My sons went through the monsters in their rooms at night, my daughter too. They would talk about things dying (they are learning that death is permanant at this age even though they don't fully comprehend it).
They would jump out at me and attack...that would be the boys... they told me they hated me etc. Yes it hurt to hear them say this. And we would discuss feelings.
It truly is a stage and there are many more to come.
So a good mantra is "this too shall pass".
Around the age of 5 that 'little terror' switch will turn off again and it will be as if the aliens who abducted your sweet 3 yr old came and broght him back at 5.
There are great books in the library or bookstore that go through ages and stages about children and what is normal.
I believe what your son is going through is normal development.
I was also blessed with a very well-behaved boy (no terrible twos or three) but about two months before he turned four years old he also started acting up. He actually hit me and got his first ever time-out. It was actually a phase and because I was used to him being so good it was awful. The good news is it only lasted about three months. Hopefully your boy is only going through a phase. Good luck.
This may sound strange, but you might want to have him checked for allergies. I've heard of children behaving in such ways because they had unknown allergies and they manifested themselves through the child's behavior.
Hi D.,
Seems as if an outside source is feeding your child with information that he didn't have before. You should take a quite look at the children, teachers, and parents associated with the day care where you are sending your child for 2 days a week. Children are very impresionable at that age, and some times a very small change is all it takes. You may have to consider finding a new childcare program. He is showing you that he is angry in the best way he can.
My four year old is going through similar issues. Not really anger as much as just that he is very set in routines and certain ways of doing things. If you stray from that, he falls apart and becomes very explosive as you described. I really believe this is an age of testing independence. Things that have helped us --
1. I sat him down and reviewed the rules. We made a list (no more than 4) of the most important rules and he helped me with this. Start with the things that are most a problem (speak politely, keep your hands to yourself, etc.). try to word them in the way of what you want him to do. Also make a list of consequences to go with -- they need to be concrete and meaningful to him -- he needs to understand that if I do A then B happens. If I do A again then C happens, etc.
2. We count (1,2,3) when we ask him to do something or if he is misbehaving. If he does not do as asked before we say 3 he is in time out. We explained to him that this does not apply for hitting or anything that could hurt someone -- those are automatic time outs.
3. I talked to him about why he was acting up (he is with my parents when I am at work, but he does do preschool in the afternoons) and he told me that he misses his friends when he is at my parents house. So, we set up a sticker chart so he can earn playdates with friends on the weekends. He can earn three stickers a day (morning, afternoon, evening). We started fairly easy with the number of stickers he needed to earn the first week and we will slowly progress as he gets better. The key with this is to be very positive about the stickers -- building him up throughout the day, telling him he is doing a good job to earn them etc. and then if he doesn't earn one be very clear about why (and I write the why on the chart to keep track of).
I hope this helps you get started. I have to run now but I hope maybe we can keep in touch and share ideas since I am going through this at the exact same time!
E.
HI D.,
I find that the calmer you stay during these episodes the
easier it is to get threw them and the less re-occurring they become. Trust me... its hard not to take these meltdowns personally. Walk away and allow the time out. Unless he gets up or comes out of his room. I have also found that a timeout spot works better then the room. It may be that he is trying for more attention.Sibling rivalry. I have three and its hard to divide your time. You may want to also try giving him quiet time in place of the nap. Good luck.We all have the good days that erase the bad.
Try to find out if he's having trouble with one of the teachers or another child at the daycare. He may be acting out in anger towards you because there may be a problem in that area of his life. How is he during the time he's not in daycare? My grandson was so upset with one of the teachers at his daycare that he would have a tantrum when he was dropped off. My daughter was mistyfied by that because he was such a good boy and loved people. It wasn't until after she took him out of daycare and had to go back to pick up something that she found out he didn't like one particular teacher.
Hello D.,
Have you asked your daycare provider if she has noticed anything there as well. Do you think he may be jealous of the baby? Have you ever watched Supernanny... only asking because her techniques for dealing with toddlers work. I have a 4 1/2 year old, and he at times can be a handful. That's when I really take notice what's going on around him. I get down on his level, with a soft voice ask him what's wrong, and why are you so angry. When I yell at my son things only get worse. I know it's hard, but try not to yell or show "ugly" emotions with you face... we are their teacher, they will deal with their anger/hurt feelings like we teach them. So try getting Jo's book, or watch the show... Really take notice what sets him off. I also believe it's a stage they go through, with the violence, etc. My son will be playing with himself and I can hear him talking about killing you, die... whatever. I think it's normal to some extent, but try to talk to him about it gently. Hope this helps C. J
Some of these responses made me feel very concerned for you. I just wanted to say that I hope you are able to stay calm while you investigate what is going on. Even though you need to be vigilant in uncovering it, unless you find something truly horrible, I hope you can remain optimistic and hope that this is just a phase. Just don't worry yourself crazy unless you know there's something to really worry about. It's very likely there's a new kid at the day care and your son is just trying on his persona. But do make sure that none of the other scenarios are causing this change. Best of luck - I feel for you.
I think when kids get to be this age, they learn that they can actually have avoice of their own. My son was 4 in June and I was dealing with the same thing. I'd just recommend letting him make choices within reason. Let him pick when he watches TV (now or later), or even what store you go to. He needs to feel like he has power to make choices, but within your limits.
Hope this helps...I am just glad it's over for me!
HI D.,
You are not alone. I am going through this with my recently turned 4 year old son. It is very frustrating. I wish I could tell you I have the answer but I don't. I look forward to reading the other repsonses you get!
J.
