Behavior Changes

Hi S.,
I'm sorry to hear about your struggles. Your daughter could have multiple things going on. Separation anxiety, even if they've never had it before, is normal at this age, and I'm sure changes in your living arrangements could be making it worse. Also, kids cut their first molars right around their first birthday and it's horrible. Both of my kids experienced sleep interruptions, fussines, clinginess, etc. when they were cutting those teeth. Beware, it happens again when they turn two!
Another thought, toddlerhood is officially beginning for her, along with the typical power struggle/control issues. You're very wise to stick to your guns about boundaries and rules. You might try to get your hands on a copy of "Parenting with Love and Logic" by Jim Fay. I wish I had discovered it earlier. You will definitely want some of the tools and tricks in that book handy over the next 2 years (and beyond!) -- especially if you will be a single parent.
I would also talk to your child's pediatrician on ways to help her deal with Daddy being gone. If your separation was a "friendly" one, it will help her even more.

1 mom found this helpful

S., I'm so sorry to hear this. I am single now too, and have a 2.5 year old daughter. I left when she was 12 months. It's not easy, I know. Some great parenting tips are found in the Love & Logic series. But dealing with divorce is much more complicated and I believe we, as the parent in charge, need to be really sensitive to their special needs. Ohhh, it's hard, especially if you do not like your ex. (This will be come more challenging when she talks and understands.) But one thing you probably know is to NEVER bad mouth your ex to your child. (I am a product of that as a child of divorce, and it's messy and has affected me big time!)

There is also an organization called "Children in the Middle." I did a segment (I was in the news media) on them. They have wonderful advice, direction, etc. You may want to look them up (http://www.childreninthemiddle.com/) and see what they say.

I also wanted to mention that I have an informal group of single moms from all over the metroplex that gather for socials with the kids (babies) now-and-then. It's great for support too. In fact I'd like to make it a formal group so we can get a website up and post answers to questions like you have, as well as resources for help. Let me know if you'd like to be added to our list. You'll really like the women. It's a diverse group of professional single moms.

You can always reach me if you're having a hard time too. My heart goes out to single moms and the children. My direct e-mail is ____@____.com (My website it www.OnCueMedia.com)

Be strong and take one day at a time.

Blessings,
S.

1 mom found this helpful

S.,
Hang in there. I know what you are going through though by son's father left when i was 4 1/2 pregnant and did not meet him until he was 7 months and have had my struggles. My son was sleeping through the night at 4 wks and then he started getting a lot of ear infections and illnesses from day care and decided to stay home but then that is when my son started waking up several times in the middle of the night because of him being sick so i would bring him to my bed and he would sleep all night in my bed.
Now at 14 1/2 months he still wakes up several times in the middle of the night wanting me. I feel so bad when he cries so much he throws up so that is why i have to calm him down and love on him and bring him to my bed.
He also just started finally falling asleep on his own about a month ago and at 12 months my son was ordered by the court to stay the night with his father and he waking up screaming every time and now for the past 2 nights he is not wanting to fall asleep on his own.
I think that you and your ex REALLY should work on having the same schedule for the best interest of your daughter and I know it's hard to see your baby go through the changes but some might be separation anxiety because my son gets when he is w/strangers and when he is sleeping in the middle of the night.

I would talk to your daughters pediatrician.
Good Luck!

Hi. I was divorced from my husband last year and my then 2 y.o. was the same way. How long has it been since he's been gone? I found that just letting her throw the tantrums when she does is best. But, you obviously need to find something else for her to direct her attention. When it was really bad, I would hold her and tell her how much I love her and that her daddy still loves her also. I would tell her that she would still see daddy but daddy lives in a different place now. I know that your child is a little younger and may not understand but neither did my daughter. But it seemed to help. Also, having pics of him around for her to see or maybe her own little picture book with only pics of him is good. She may feel like daddy is right there with her all the time then and make her feel better. I would definitely ask her doctor about it too though. My two younger kids did the waking up thing at night also. I just put them in bed with me because they would have bad dreams. They'll get used to everything again, kids are very resilliant. I hope your little one still will get to see her daddy though. That is also tough though because if she doesn't see him everyday, she will go through the missing stage just about everytime she sees him but it gets better. Hope this helps!

M.

I have a 16 month old and around the same time I was experiencing the same problems w/ my daughter. I asked my daughter's doctor and I was told that it was the beginning of terrible two's. I also suspected that she was copying behaviors that she saw at parent's day out. After a month or so she started to come down but she still sometimes throws horrible tantrums. So maybe that could be her problem.

Sounds like she's insecure and probably feels since daddy's not around you may also not be around so she is clinging on to you. You should definately consider counseling to help you get direction. There are free services usually through church or other non profit organizations. My best friend is going through the same thing and her 4 yr old is doing the exact same thing. Just cuddle her and let her know you are not going anywhere. It's not control she's after, it's reassurance. She's scared you may leave too.

Hi there S.,
I can say that I some what understand. I left my husband a few months ago and noticed my 2 yr old and 3 yr old having similar problems. They are mamas boys anyways, but they knew something just wasnt right. Please dont feel bad to give into your daughter right now for she really needs your security right now. Children can never take control of their parents unless you have not set boundaries, rules or values and morals on them. I mean giving into to her once and awhile definetly will not hurt. You both need eachother right now and giving eachother 110% of eachothers love is what you need. I dont mean explain to her yet what is going on, but just keep yourselves occupied with your attention and love and she will go back to normal in no time. When something gets me down my boys are the first people I turn to, Not to necessarily talk to but I need their hugs and love and I know there are two people in this world that I could get through anything with, that love me no matter what else is going on in this world. I hope that helped, Good luck to you both.
J.

S.,
Sorry to hear about your problems. My daughter went through something similar when her dad went over the road driving a truck when she about 2. One advice my mom gave me that helped was to put a picture of her daddy by her crib were she could see it and a picture of the two of them together. You could try this an just talk to her and let her know that daddy still loves her and that you are not going anywhere. I hope this helps.
Pam

Hi S.,

I guess it's apparent that this is separation anxiety... With her father "gone," she's probably wondering if you will leave too.

I do think that you have to guard your rest and your sanity for as much as you can through this... but I think the more reassurance you can give her, the better. If you think sleeping with you in bed for a while will help calm her down, I don't see any reason why not. (And you can get some degree of sleep yourself.) Because I breastfed, my daughter slept with my husband and I for the first year or so. When it got to where she could go the night without nursing, then I'd let her fall to sleep with us and then put her in her own room. Many people told me that it would probably be a problem that we had let her sleep with us, but she actually adjusted beautifully.

The reason I tell you that part is because I like the Dr. Sears approach of attachment. Once they feel that connection is solid, they have the confidence to be more independent. And, I'm thinking that right now, because of her father leaving, that insecurity has transferred to you. So, no, don't be afraid to give her what she needs to feel secure, because once she does get it, she'll probably feel safe to work on her independence again.

But of course, you can't give her every waking minute... There are moments that you need her to do something else for a while, etc. So, to help offset that, you might make it clear to her that she gets your undivided attention at certain times, such as after the nighttime bath, etc., say for an hour or so. Set up some routine about that. The routine in itself, linked to a consistent time to you, should also help.

I hope this helps. I hope things get easier for both of you soon.

Hi S.,
Even though your daughter is 12 months old she is experiencing anxiety of experiencing your separation from her father. I'm not an expert but I highly recommend that you get into divorce/separation counseling ---how to deal with your new life and how to deal with the old wounds. It will also help your daughter. Our church has a Tues evening meeting called DivorceCare. It's very discreet, the members of the church don't even know who attend. Only reason I know a little about it is because my best friend and her husband run it. If you're interested, please email me back and I'll give you more information. Babysitting is provided. ____@____.com

S.,

Although the advice already given is great, I needed to add one more thing.

Remember that kids are very empathetic. Especially little ones. If she feels your sadness, stress, anger, etc. she will react to that. She will feel your moods and it will cause her stress and lack of sleep.

I know it's hard, but try and be "happy" around her before bedtime. I've gone through a divorce with my 2 daughters and more recently, I left my baby son's father when I was 3 months pregnant... so I know it's hard to fake the happiness and to put off your sadness, but it might very well be affecting your daughter enough to where she can't sleep.

Good luck and I wish you all the best...

At a year old attachment is normal. But it does sound extreme it could very well be that she is picking up on tension within the family, and you'll have to work through that with her. But I would definently have her evaluated by a physician to rule out anything else.

My heart is so with you... I went through this at the exact same age your child is with my ex husband... it is heart breaking to watch them go through this... I just know that you will both get through this and she's doing what she need to for her to have her needs be met right now. It will pass but having her in your bed can turn into an unwanted permanent problem (unless you don't mind it). I'll say a prayer for you both. There's another mom on mamasource that had a good resource the other day and so I e-mailed her and asked her to ck mamasource and hopefully she can get with you... it's about how not to let divorce effect your children (so much)... hang in there...

Well, mom this is a very sentive situation. How you approach this is basically with concern for your baby's interest not your own. You must organize your time spend with your daughter as a loving parent. And understanding she is still a baby in training what is wrong and right. But, basic it on providing time out for yourself to get rest when you can. If you are a working parent it will be difficult to have a that is schedule right on target to enforce. But, remember your child is still going through a normal process developing his or her own personality and the ablity to think. And your relationship is what she has to deal as the sole parent in the home. Most parent in your situation
tend to believe they have to be super parent when one of the parent are suddenly absence from the home. But, you do the best of your ablity to just be the mother and not consentrate or focus on your situation as a single parent. Please do not get caught up in feeling sorry your daughter only have you. You are the bless individual she has for now, and that's a blessing in itself. God somehow knows what you are going through and will provide you all the tools and knoweledge as your child develope through life. Nourishing parent skills in a build-in mechanism you have when you first lay eyes on your child. And training and loving her will come so natural as you provide both of them. And understand disciple is your job function will play an important part of how you teach your child what life really is out there in the world.
This is just the beginning of her training to teach your child life learning experience. So, what you teach her today will be lasting in his or her minds. You know right now how smart or how fast she applies what your teaching. Do not
use or compare what other are doing. Use what you believe is approiate for your child works for you as a parent. Being loving and patient whatever you decide. Remember, "Rome was not built over night". Love your child But, do not spoil her. Disciple her and be firm but considerate of your child age. Praise her and do alot of talking. Please do not call names or pet names that will be damaging. Do not try to bring his or her up to your level in age. If, you love her too much where the loving is ruling out the disciple effectiviness they will never the learn the lesson in teaching. Absolutely, do not scream and repeat yourself because it will give them the edge in knowing you don't have the control. They have it instead. Keep calm even when it is hard. Try and try again, be consisting when the method you choose to use. Do not give up as a rule of thumb. And truly have the relationship you should have with your child, so you will not blame yourself when it is too late to get your point over what you will accept and not accept of their behavior. Set some age appropiate standards and goals so you may be effective whatever you decide to trying to teach them. Research all materials so you can be educated to new ideals. They will respect you as you develope your mind to be open to new ideals.

Listen, and keep your eyes open regarding their feeling, that will help you gage what is effective. We are not always right, but it is all trial and error for new parent as well as it is for old parent. You do not want to beat yourself up for failing. We all do that from time to time. Be a parent and not so much a buddie. If, you play with a dog, the saying it will bit you one day. You only get one chance at this, try your very best. Your reward will show in the ending results. And it will not be right now. It takes a long time to see the result way after they get out on their own as a adult. And then, you will still be the parent. It never ends but hopefully it get less stressful.

I will not provide you with my experience and methods I have use. All I know love and relationship is one the most important keys to helping them to understand you earn the right to do your job as you see fit for their life. God gave you the opportunity and gift. It's your responsiblity to handled it with care. Do not misuse it for your own satisfaction and reward.
You are just the custodian at present to do the best you can do. Pray for your child as you endure this long journey as a parent. Because it is a career job you choose believe it or not.

S. A.

This is very normal. Daddy left and now she is afraid you are going to leave next. A friend of mine took her son to a few "play" therapy sessions with a family counselor, after her divorce...it seemed to really help.