Behavior Change of 4yr.old

I must admit, I don't have any experience with 4 year olds yet - mine is just 16 months. I do know that even this young, and that other friends have all said that acting out tends to be associated with extra stress, less quality, loving time with parents and as someone else said, sleep deprivation. I think sometimes its worth looking at why we don't let our kids do so many things, and maybe having a look at how many "no's" we're always telling them. Why don't we say yes, that's ok more often? A funny thing happened with my son yesterday. He's been peeing every time we put him in the bath, so we started sitting him on the potty before his bath, and sometimes he pees in it. He seems to be learning what its all about, and we praise him when it happens etc. Yesterday he didn't want to pee in the potty, and when he got in the bath, then he did! He looked at me with a bit of worry on his face - as previously I've sort of whisked him out of the bath, onto the potty, but have now decided its not worth it... Anyway, when he looked at me like that I said, oh don't worry, its ok, we'll just see if you can pee on your potty next time! Then when the bath was over, and he was on my lap with no diaper, brushing his teeth, he pointed at his potty. I asked him if he wanted to sit on it, and he indicated that he did. So, I put him on there, and low and behold, he peed! So, what's my point in telling this story? I guess its about priorities... what do we really need them to do or not to do? Will pulling the towels down, or jumping on the bed, getting themselves wet or dirty, or peeing in the bath really matter in the long-run? Will our relationship with them, and how we encourage them to behave appropriately matter more? I think so, and I guess its just a matter of finding out our own comfort zones!

BW,
A.

I wouldn't suggest any discipline - I'd suggest what they now call "time ins". Make sure he is getting a lot of loving one on one time with you and dad. Include him in activities like cooking and cleaning. Give him as much undivided attention, focus and love as you possibly can. Be gentle and loving, let him know he is safe and loved no matter how terrible he chooses to behave. When he is "mean" to you, smile, hug him if he'll let you and tell him you love him always!

If you react to his negativity with more negativity (or discipline), you're teaching him that his negative emotions will make him feel unloved and that to feel anything negative is wrong (and it's not wrong - it just needs to be expressed appropriately and that's where you can *help* him, not shun him to a "naughty spot" or any of the other isolation techniques pushed by morons like the Super Nanny).

Teach him how to treat others by setting the example. If you get negative in the face of his negativity, you're showing him that's what is appropriate. Show him love in the face of his negativity and he'll know that you love him unconditionally. And I'm willing to bet it stops a whole lot of the unwanted behaviors!

I have to say, my girls both act out like that when they are tired. My oldest started this around 3-4, she got really nasty w/ me, she was acting out, etc. We had gone on vacation to Disney & obviously bedtimes got a little out of whack. I started putting her to bed earlier & while it did take a few days, it did start to improve. Now I know, she HAS to have her sleep or she will start acting out again like that.

My little one who is almost 3 just started this kind of behavior in the last few weeks. Daddy has been keeping them out 'til the sun goes down which is way too late. So...I put my foot down over this past weekend & they are in bed much earlier again. I've already seen an improvement, thank God!

So...maybe it is more that he is just going full tilt all day w/ the great weather & he is just not getting as much rest as he needs.

My son just turned 3 and his behavior is driving us mad. Time outs don't work b/c he laughs and falls off his "naughty stool." Yelling and stink eyes don't work b/c he just gives right back. So just this week we've decided to try to focus on the positive. I bought a bunch of colored stones and 2 containers. Everytime we try to get him to do something, we tell him he can get a stone for not whining or complaining. So far, so good. He ate corn for the first time at dinner, had a wonderful morning at camp, and there haven't been any bedtime fights. Now my husband and I need to come up w/ a suitable reward : ) (We're thinking that we're going to take him to the movies when he fills up so much of the jar)

Hope this helps,
T.

Hi Leah...

First of all I want to say that reading your request gave me some relief knowing that someone else is going through the same thing. My son turned 4 in June and we have been experiencing bad behavior as well. I have tried to discipline him but it just doesn't seem to get the point across. Over the past few weeks my husband and I have made sure that we point out the "good" behaviors and it seems to have helped the situation. We still make sure he knows when he has done something wrong but by focusing more on good behaviors he seems to want to be good more often. I wish you the best of luck!

Hi, Leah! My name is K. and I'm an old school parent. My Grandmother is from the south, so you may know where I'm going with this. How do you discipline your children? If his behavior isn't getting better it will get worse as you said if you don't break it now. I have 5 children and they are ages 12, 9, 4, 3 and 17mo. old. Me and my husband give out spankings or butt beatings. Sometimes you can talk and they'll listen but sometimes you have to get a belt, ruler or whatever instrument you chose to discpline them. Different times call for different measures.

My 4 yr. old was copying the children in his headstart class and I noticed it. I had to beat his behind to let him know that he's not to copy off of the other children in the class. He was hitting and evdrything. It took a couple of times but he finally understood me.

You and your husband have to work together and enforce it though. Children learn by correction. You have to be consistant also. Hope this helps.

How old is little brother? This could be the problem. He could be looking for attention. I have noticed that since my 8 month old son was born my 5 year old daughter has an attitude problem, she is not mean, but talks back and doesnt listen as well as she did before. I have been trying to give her more personalized attention, and as far as being mean to the younger sibling, maybe you can try giving him some little roles in helping take care of or entertaining the sibling.

HI Leah! First off you should keep him away from the kids that are a bad influence. Then you really need to crack down on his misbehavior before it gets out of hand. Timeout's do work but sometimes you have to be creative with them. Each child reacts to timeouts differently so they have to be taliored to each child for maximum results. For example, to send my oldest to her room is not punishment, she loves to be in her room (yeah she's 16!) So for her, I make her stay in the dining room and only let her study for a set amount of time. My middle one hates being alone in her room durring the day...yup, that's where she goes! For my youngest it's sitting on the stairs alone that makes the greatest impact. 3 girls, three different personalities, three different timeouts....each effective for each child. We figured this out as they turned 3-4 yrs old and have found it to work really well since then.

As for family and children of friends that I feel are a bad influence, I limit exposere as much as possible. I don't tell the people involved that's why we don't see them often...we are just Soooo busy.... I really don't care if they are offened or put out, my kids & their behavior are more important than anything else! Good luck and Best wishes.

Yep yep yep...been through this in recent weeks. Over the last two months my kids dad hasn't been taking them overnight hardly at all....I mean like twice in a month and a half...I thought that my son acting out at daycare majorly and at home some was due to this. Can't change that situation. Then I thought he was playing with the new neighbor boy who is pretty bad and the same age....no I had been limiting his time with him by getting my kids, boy 4 and girl 5 out of the house lots at the park, carnivals, etc. Problem is the nights that he has been really bad at daycare I have to ground him. Meaning no going outside or to this neighbors house and "I am so sorry" no neighbor coming to our house. I have tried everything and am at my wits end, but I really like the advice that Lisa T gave about the 1,2,3 magic. This is something that my mom used with my brother who had major outburst and tantrums. I just wonder when is it going to sink in, but I was looking for some advice on what kind of chart would give him rewards right away, but help him to work towards something bigger. Thanks Lisa T!!

My son just turned 4 and we have been having the same issues for the past 6 months or so. We review rules often. We act out how to appropriately handle situations that make him angry. We use time outs for breaking rules (the book 1-2-3 Magic is a big help). We also take away privileges and special toys. After punishments we discuss what happened, what appropriate behavior should have been used, apologize and give hugs and kisses. I also use a behavior chart. Each day has 2 columns - a smiley face column and an X column. When my son does something positive he gets a smiley face. When he does something inappropriate he gets an X. At the end of the day we tally each column. If he has more smiley faces than X's he gets a sticker for the day. At the end of the week of he gets at least 6 stickers he gets to pick a prize from the prize box (stickers, Playdoh, books, crayons, etc). Good luck to you!