Behavior - West Hills,CA

I have 3 kids. all 3 of them need different "techniques". My 1st is easy! He really wants to please. My 2nd one is a huge challenge, and truly, there is no one thing that works. lots of patience and consistency. #3 only wants to do what she wants, but, isn't mean. for some kids validation works. Not for my kids. i really hate when any one thinks that their solution will work for all, and why can't "they" control their kid?! If they had my 2nd their tune would change.

What i do is i hug it out..so as soon as i see my son begin a tantrum or get upset i say "lets hug" he's 4 now..has not thrown a fit in a long time..he will get upset if he's tired and something upsets him but i immediately say "lets hug" then i validate his feelings but saying i understand that he is upset while i'm hugging him and i tell him it will be ok. i also read books to him like "hands are not for hitting" "mouths are not for biting" "i can share" etc..so if he doesn't want to share with a friend i say " i can share" remember the book and then he stops and shares..he was never an easy child..a bit on the hyperactive side...so i'm struggling more with him wanting to play chase in the supermarket ...
hugging it out really works..try it out.

good luck

xo

Yes, I hear you. When I was pregnant with my third and even after the birth, I was so tired and worn out, which led to inconsistency with disciplining my 2 and 7 year olds. I also found myself losing control of my temper, and thank goodness realized that this was not what my children needed or me for a happy healthy family. I've tried to remember the principles of active listening I picked up in the books I've read, and the improvement in behavior (mine and my children's) was immediate. I highly recommend the books: How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish and also Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.) by Thomas Gordon. Just remembering to listen and putting myself in their shoes reminded me to be more empathetic with their feelings. This acknowledgement goes a long way to making the situation better. Good luck!!!!

Hello JR

I've worked with kids for 16+ years, studied child development & child psychology. I am now a parent coach helping parents with questions exactly like yours. Over my career, I have cared for may kids 0-5 & most often I can have a tantrum free day and here is how:

1) I do not set them up for failure, meaning we only leave the house with well rested & full tummy children. Most tantrums occur when physical symptoms prevent kids from controling feelings
2) I explain what I want from the kids before we enter the situation. I tell them where we're going & what we're doing there. Adults don't like being dragged places where they don't want to go, and neither do kids.
3) I treat kids like I would like to be treated. I listen to their complaints & often will negoiate arguments, within reason.
4) Using my child development & psychology knowledge, I try to understand what a child can & cannot do. This is the best!!!

As for readings, I based 60% of my techniques on the Stages of Developement by Erik Erikson. If you understand the stage your child is moving through developmentally, you can base a strategy around it that meets your needs while not causing issue with your child.

Next, I love the Love & Logic series of books. I am hooked & recommend them often.

The key to any reading you do is to take the information in, think about what works for your family and leave anything you don't like behind. These books are written for thousands of families, so every suggestion will not work for every family.

Good Luck. It can be done.

R. Magby

I suggest you check out the love and logic books and website. They have great suggestions that really work with most kids and turn it from punishment to a learning situation. Yes, you still deal with the problem, but they also learn what to do and how to make a better choice. They also focus on natural consequences. (ie) the kid spilled food all over the place-> they have to clean it up and maybe help clean up the house with you. OR tattling (yuck) " Mommy, so in so did ...." Me- Bummer. What are you going to do about it? Of course the kid will repeat themself and you repeat, so what are you going to do to fix that problem. During that, as they come up with ideas, you guide them a bit. Obviously you don't want them to say- Well I'm going to hit them back! So you could say, what else could you do?

I've taught at quite a few schools and many schools use this or parts of it for their school-wide discipline plan. I've been to workshops and had some great ideas to take back to the classroom. They worked so well I used them at home with my kids too. They have quite a few different books, so you might want to check out the site and see what works best for you.

Oh, just something from past experiences with lots of tantrums. I've used my cell phone and videoed my kids tantrum. They thought I was checking my messages, I was a bit secretive. If you are obvious it irritates the situation. Anyway, I showed it to them after they calmed down. Seeing how ridiculous she looked and sounded really made a difference with my daughter. She ended up giggling. I said, so you did that and looked like that. How did that work out for ya? She realized it didn't, she still didn't get what she wanted, so then that led into a talk about what she could do instead. It helps with younger ones to restate their feelings. I see that you are kicking the floor and crying. Are you mad? They say yes. So, what are you mad about? They tell you. Oh, so you're mad because you don't get to watch your show. So what are you going to do about that? Then guide them to coming up with ideas/solutions. When they take part in the ideas, they feel more independent rather than the adult telling them what to do. Now, the adult does lead them to a couple choices that are alright for then or what to do in the future. Also, it helps to ask little ones, how would you feel if I hit you or shoved my toy in your face? Lastly, and then I"ll be quiet- act it out or have a puppet show (or stuffed animals) to act out a situation where a puppet is being unkind and/or throwing a fit. Afterwards, talk about what was wrong in the story and that will lead to a discussion too. I do puppet shows at church on the weekend with 4 and 5 year olds & during VBS 3 year olds too. They love skits and I use them to teach a lesson on their level. It captures their attention in an entertaining way, but has a moral to the lesson. Ok, I'll be quiet now!

You answered your own question. You have all the tools you need to help him learn to control himself, all you need to do is be consistent about implementing those tools.

Tantrums are born from frustration at being not heard, not respected, not considered and not in control. However, you should NEVER give in to a tantrum, since that would only teach him that tantrums work. Instead, help your child feel heard & understood and help him work through his anger with validation of his feelings.

"I want a cookie."
"No, you can't have a cookie now."
Tantrum! "I WANT A COOKIE" (throws something)

Instead, try this:
"I want a cookie."
"OK, you can have a cookie after dinner." (as much as possible, answer all questions with a positive)
You'll get one of two responses - either, "OK." or "I WANT A COOKIE NOW!"
If you get the second response, you say, "I know, you're so mad because you want a cookie right now." (give him a chance to respond) "I know it's hard to wait when you want something." (let him respond) "I'm happy to give you a cookie after dinner. In the meantime, want to help me make dinner?" or "Let's go throw the ball outside for a while." He may still be upset, but continue to validate what he is feeling until the anger subsides. Be gentle, but firm. Never give in.

Listening to him and validating what he is feeling (he is not "bad" for feeling upset) will completely take the wind out of his anger. He will feel heard and understood, which will make him trust you and he'll be more inclined to listen to what you are saying to him.

I have two girls - one mellow and one "spirited." I've never had tantrum issues with either one. They know that their feelings are very important to me, but that ultimately it's their dad and I who make the decisions. They trust us to always have their best interests at heart.

Lastly, and I can't stress this enough, YOU MUST ALWAYS REMAIN CALM. You MUST model the behavior you want to see. Talk about your own feelings. ("I'm so angry that the cable man said he'd be here by 3 o'clock and he's still not here.") This is the most powerful way to get the results you are looking for in the long term. Remember, you are not raising a child, you are raising an adult. Helping him learn self control now will pay him huge dividends his whole life long.

Best of luck to you and your precious boy and good luck with the pregnancy!

I have a 27 month old and a 7 month old and we have very few tantrums. My husband and I both read 123 magic and use the techniques. We stick to an eating and sleeping schedule. We don't do things when our older son is not well rested. It is not always easy but sticking to a predictable schedule helps. We are more relaxed on weekends and special occasions.
good luck

The first time my dd threw a tantrum, I looked at her and said, "Are you serious?" and just walked away. She never did it again. My son is another issue. It has been a process of consistantly taking him to his room and telling him that when you are ready to talk, we are ready to listen, but tantrums will not get you anywhere. We had to teach him to calm himself down because there is a point at which he's so far gone he can't get control of himself any more -- and that's just brain function, not so much his fault, but he can learn to control by taking breaths, drinking water, etc.

We leave him in his room until he is ready to come out. He knows when he is ready. He cannot come out as long as he is crying and when if he does before he's calm, he goes right back in.

He's three now and he's not throwing tantrums anymore. I think he wants to sometimes, but he knows it won't get him anywhere. I don't get mad at him and I never raise my voice. We do this with compassion as a form of teaching. If it looks like he's going to lose it we say, "Do you need to go to your room to calm down?" and there it ends. He says that he does not and sometimes even puts a smile on his face so that we'll want to listen.

If my children misbehave in a store, we leave. No questions asked. So they don't do that, because they've learned the hard way. If it means we don't have milk then we don't have milk. Usually by the time we are in the car things are calm again and we can go back in.

It is absolutely about consistancy. I know it is hard but better teach your child to be someone likable now than have to deal with it once the baby is here. Then a screaming child and a sleeping baby will be a nightmare.

Also make sure your lttle guy is getting 12-14 hours of sleep. I feel strongly that if he's sleepy or hungry or lacking my affection then his misbehavior is MY fault and I need to take responsibility for that.

I did not have the benefit of any books on this issue when my kids were little, however, I did have the benefit of sisters with children! It is harder to turn things around when a child is three vs. being two - but NOT IMPOSSIBLE! You hit on it when you said that inconsistency was a large part of the problem. Here are some of the gems my sisters passed to me:
❉ Give limited choices: if you say, "it is time to get dressed", you risk the argument "I don't want to". Instead, ask "Would you like to wear the blue shirt or the red one today?"
❉ Never say "no" and then back off....if you are unsure, the words "just a moment" or "maybe" are good verbal pauses. I have also used, "If you keep asking the answer will go from maybe to NO!"
❉ Decide what behaviors are really worth disciplining and what to walk away from. Hitting or aggression (sticking toys in your face) are absolute no-nos....little hissy fits can be walked away from.
❉ Count to 10. Once your kid has your emotionally worked into a nice froth, the kid has won.
❉ Differentiate between a behavior that is inappropriate and one that is dangerous. Use a totally different word, tone and volume when it is "DO NOT RUN INTO THE STREET" vs. "you may not have a cookie now."
❉ This is a h*** o*e, speak softly. It is difficult not to ramp up when you kid is being obnoxious - but it does give the child more control. You are the adult, behave like it. Speak clearly and without intense emotion.
❉ Never back down, never surrender! When my youngest was almost 3, she threw a temper fit in a restaurant. I took her to the car and held
her until she calmed down. Afterwards, she said she was hungry and asked to go back into the restaurant to eat. I said, "No. Daddy gets to sit in the nice restaurant and finish his dinner. You and I have to wait now. When daddy is finished, he will bring our food out and we will have to finish our dinner at home. You do not get a second chance." In reality, it was probably 7 - 10 minutes before daddy came out with the to-go boxes, but to a little one, that is hours......She never threw a temper fit in a restaurant again!

Smugness often makes me irritated! There are some great books out there. This is just what worked for me.

There is a book I read a few years back called "How to talk so your kids will listen; and how to listen so your kids will talk" (or something close to that...lol!). I didn't agree with 100% of it, but for the most part it had some really good points on how to understand your kids. I also try to keep my daughter on a schedule as much as I can- but there are many days when you just can't avoid skipping a nap- or you end up feeding them baby snacks straight out of the container before you checkout in line at the grocery store because you didn't anticipate it would take you that long.
I still think the main key is consistency. If they know you will follow through they'll most often cooperate.

Just something to think about: Different kids respond to different approaches in discipline and behavioral techniques. Some kids are just easier going than others. This parent may have very easy going kids who respond well to common sense techniques that may not work like magic for other kids who are, simply by nature, more challenging. I am firm believer in the fact that incredible parenting often has less to do with how kids act than the temperament of the kids themselves. And, people who act like they are somehow deserving of a pat on the back because their children have never had a tantrum--well, 1) I'm not sure I believe it and 2) they are certainly the exceptions to the rule and 3) very irritating. :)

Parenting your child is “disciplining”…BUT PLEASE USE THE correct meaning of the word - the term discipline really means - a system of rules of conduct or method of practice - so PRACTICE being the parent you want around your child and allow the child to PRACTICE being the child that you want.

If there is an action you don't like say what you DO like. You are the guide, the role model, the final decision. Children of all ages do not need another friend, they need boundaries, they need rules and guidelines AND just as important, they need flexibility.

TALKING BACK...just say “We don't talk like that in this family, are you part of this family?” The answer will be yes - (in the rare case a child says no - then ask him who's family he thinks he is a part of – and offer to drive them there! LOL!) Then you repeat it, “We don't talk like that in this family”. Then redirect the situation. There is NO PUNISHMENT, there is only fact. “This family is respectful. This family is kind. This family honors everyone”. If you let the behaviour go once (and punishing it is letting it go), the child will decide when and where to use that behaviour again. Kids are brilliant. They remember everything! They will remember if the "punishment" was worth the action.

TIME OUT - Here is the problem with "time out", kids learn to weigh the time away with what the "crime" is. They often feel that a couple of minutes in "the chair" is worth it. And truly, who is the time out for, you or the child? Often it is for the parent because they need a break.

Consequences, are both good and bad. The definition of consequence is: Something that logically or naturally follows from an action or condition. That means, both positive and negative. Punishment is ineffective (how many adults who get a speeding ticket speed again?). Parenting must come from a systematic approach to the entire child, systems is the key.

Systems are what make things SIMPLE - your car is a system, your electricity is a system, your workplace is a system...why should your home be any different?

Does this help?

B.
Family Success Coach

Every child is different, but you need to be consistent.
Consistency is the key. He will continue to push your buttons, but you MUST absolutely be consistent. If you don't allow pushing or hitting, you must discipline every single time - even if you are tired.
If he screams in a restaurant, take him to the car and strap him in his car seat. Your husband can finish eating and then relieve you or vice versa. You do NOT bring that child back into the restaurant - even if he has not finished eating. He will learn. Mighty quickly. He will eat at the next meal. He will not starve.
Time Out can be your biggest asset. It gets worse before it gets better, but if you take the time to make him do time out the right way - he'll be a model citizen in no time... I know this.
There are hundreds of books out there on parenting and discipline - get some from your library and use what you think will work.
YMMV
LBC

Honestly....my grandson seldom tantrums. He lives with us, has just turned 4 and I've seen him pitch a mild fit 2 times in his life. He's just easy going and of a cautious nature. A really willful child is a different can of beans.

Validating feelings and active listening are effective techniques, but as you say, you must be consistant with whatever you chose to do. And always it is understood that no one method works with all children because kids have different temperments. If a behavior is ignored until you can't stand it anymore, chances are, the problem is already ingrained and it will take a lot of effort to instill the good values of character, self control, and responsibility that you want them to have.

Tantrums not only are vehicles for getting their own way, getting something tangible that they want, but they are also bids for power. Parents have to be stronger, more consistant and patient enough to outlast the behavior. You can't delay dealing with behaviors either, it has to be done right then or they won't know why they are getting consequences or associate them with something else. I always want kids to know exactly what I want them to do, why they should do it, then what will happen if they don't do as expected. In this way, they choose to behave or receive the consequences of their actions immediately.

Having said all of that...to the practical. He puts his toys in your face, you gently hold it away saying; I don't like it when you put your toy in my face, please stop. If he does it again, you repeat yourself and say, if you do it again I will put your toy away for a day. If he does it again, you put the toy away in the top of the closet for a day. If he screams you remind his that he chose to put it in your face and that he can have it back tomorrow. If he screams in restuarants, you tell him the expectation for his behavior before you go there. You remind him to use an indoor voice and praise him when he uses one. If he starts acting up, you repeat the behavior expectation and tell him he will have to leave if he screams. If he starts screaming you repeat yourself, if he continues, he has to leave. One of you takes him out for a regrouping. After he calms you can try again.

Hey, nobody said discipline was easy....it's not. It's a full time occupation for several years. The effort you put into it now, will pay off in the years to come. Good Luck!

Personally, I don't buy it. In my experience, the techniques mentioned in that blog REDUCE tantrums. But they don't eliminate them.

Some kids have tantrums and some kids don't. Some people are strong-willed. Some people are easy-going. Kids are people and we WILL see their personalities *shine*, as we they work through the frustration of not controlling their surroundings and not being able to communicate well.
Adults can, sadly, really mess kids up, OR we can help them become true to their wonderful selfs. But we CAN'T change that base personality.

Besides, anyone who has EVER had to put a toddler in a car seat or a stroller when he didn't WANT to go in there is likely to have seen some extreme behavior.

Hi J R I didn't read the blog. but a lot of children don't throw tatrums I had 3 and none of them threw tatrums, Children who are taught respect and have the sense of security are less likely to throw tatrums. Shoving toys in your face and threats to hit you is disrespect, I believe in any homes today children's behavior is out of control because parents punish but do want to discipline. The reason what you are going J R doesn't work because it's no real consequence for the bad behavior, there's no fear of discipline there for there is no respect. i didn't use books, but my husband and I did use discipline and we had a no tatrum policy in our home. are kids were loved and knew it, and there was a respect for us at very young ages in our children. it's not to late. Since you are pregnant get your husband to help with your son, my husband was very active and involved in our kids. J.

I consider myself a reasonably good parent -- not perfect, but I do put a lot of effort into guiding my children and teaching them right from wrong. I have to tell you, if I tried that style of parenting out on my 5-year old daughter, she would walk all over my back with spiked heels. I'm not trying to be cynical, rather just realistic.

I do talk to my kids when they get in trouble but, if all I did was try to reason with them, then there's no consequences, no accountability on their part. Personally, I'm not a spanker but we do use a lot of time outs and restrictions now that they are older (I have a son also). Both of my kids are pretty good kids but their job right now is to test boundaries and find their identity and my job is to be there for them and set some hard, firm and consistent boundaries so that they are safe and better equipped to cope with life.

Consistency definitely is the key. If possible, I would check out the Super Nanny show or pick up her book when you get a chance. I pretty much follow most of that style of parenting and I think that it has been helping us.

I hope this helps.

I absolutely believe this is possible. I have a three and 1/2 year old son, and we have been following this method since day one. We treat him with respect, and try as hard as we can to honor his feelings. We almost never have tantrums. I can honestly say I have never had to drag my son kicking and screaming out of anywhere. That is not to say that he doesn't whine or cry, but we really don't have tantrums. It has been a complete surprise to me how intelligent children really are - even the youngest tots! If you give them the opportunity to learn why something is wrong or inappropriate, rather than just saying no, or taking something away from them, they will learn. With the exception of issues of safety, where I always remove the child or offending item first, and then explain later! Kids appreciate being given the chance to make their own decisions. Often, when you present them with the reason why they should make one choice over another, they'll make the best choice.

It isn't easy, and it takes a ton of patience. I lose my patience all the time, but thankfully kids are very forgiving. I just keep trying. As many people have said, all kids are different, so this approach may only work for some kids. But so far, it seems to be working pretty well for us.

Here are a few books and websites that have helped me...
Unconditional Parenting, by Alfie Kohn
Discipline Without Distress, by Judy Arnall
http://www.freetobeparenting.com/
http://www.gilabrown.com/GB/Blog/Blog.html

Best of luck to you!

This is basically the approach that i use with my kids - 2, 4 & 6 - and they have very few (i will not say none) tantrums. My 4 year old daughter definitely has the strongest emotions out of all of my kids, so i would say that she expresse her displeasure the most pointedly out of all of my kids & does so pretty intensely and then is done (and can tell me very rationally why she was so mad).
i think that the main reason why my kids tantrum (and whine) so little is that it never (no, i really mean NEVER) gets them what they want. Ever. At the same time, i allow them the space to be angry or sad or have whatever emotion that they want & i will use emphathetic reflective listening ("I see that you feel very angry that we are all done with stories for the night") BUT not so much that it feeds the fire of the outburst. pretty much after i let them know that i understand how they are feeling, i let them alone to work it out.
They are never allowed to cross the line into the physical with their displeasure. They can be as mad as they want to, but it is not acceptable to harm people or property at any time.
i don't use time outs, though with the bigger kids, i do give them the option of spending some alone quiet time until they feel that they are ready (the 4 year old hates to be alone, so this either inspires her to calm down quickly on her own or really gets her rolling...still trying to figure out the best approach for her).
I also - and you're going to think that this sounds strange - do not tell my kids 'no' very often. And not because they are spoiled, but at every opportunity, i try my best to tell them what they MAY do. If the 2 year old slams the door (new favorite thing to do), i don't say "No door slamming!". Instead, i say, "you may close the door GENTLY. how do we close doors?" And he replies, "Gently." It's easy to spend your whole day saying "no" & this is a simple way to cut down on it and make everybody a little happier.
Consistency is your best friend. It is HARD TO DO but worth it in the end. I know that it's screamingly hard when you're pregnant & exhausted, but you can do it!
Everyone is happier in the end when the boundaries are clear.
Good luck!

Hang in there!! Remember that most people don't always tell the whole truth about parenting issues like discipline. I wish I had a trick for you, but it sounds like you are doing all the right things! His behavior may just seem exaggerated because you are so worn out from being pregnant. Keep up the good work...even if it doesn't seem so good right now.

Hi JR,

I haven't read all of the answers, but I do like what Michelle L. had to say. It sounds like you're beginning to implement some new techniques and they're starting to work - just be patient and steadfast and he will get that you are in charge not him. Our son just turned 2 in April and while he has a fairly good temperment, he definitely knows what he wants and doesn't want and when frustrated (or just being 2) will show us his willfulness in an inappropriate manner (usually cry/screaming while throwing himself on the floor). Just this morning, he asked (politely and without crying/whining - required to get something) for a fruit squeeze. Right after it was open, he decided he wanted something else - 'uh uh, no more' I thought, we are going to create some bad behavior if we continue with this, so I told him that he could have the new item, AFTER he ate his fruit squeeze. He fell to the ground crying. I got down to his level, calmly explained that he asked for the fruit squeeze and he must eat that first and then he'd get the other item. He continued to cry, so I just let him know that the fruit squeeze is on the table when he's ready to calm down and I walked away. I realized that the cats needed food (something he loves to do) so while he was still crying I called to him to let him know I was going to give the cats food (re-direct) and he came in and calmed down while we fed the cats. Immediately after, he again asked for the new food. I said, okay I'll get it out, but you have to eat the fruit squeeze first. I could see him working this out in his head like, "okay, she's serious - I have to have the fruit squeeze first, but there is the other food, so I will get it, I just need to do what she says" and he walked over to the fruit squeeze and ate it right up.

Bottom line: PATIENCE & CONSISTENCY

As for timeouts - remember, they are not to be used as punishment but rather as a means to allow your child to calm down. The other night my son had a mini-meltdown and I just asked him, "do you need a timeout to calm down first" and he said, "yes, mommy, yes please". The first time he did this I thought, 'what a sarcastic little sucker' but then I realized he was utilizing them for how they are meant. Immediately after a few minutes of the sucking in of the breath trying to stop crying, he is calm and he is in a better place to listen. I'm not saying it's easy, or quick. Writing it makes it sound so step-by-step and easy peasy. It's not, during all of this, I often have to ask several times in order for him to hear me over his wails and I often have to walk away immediately after I say, "if you don't stop, I'm going to walk away" - so hard to do as a Mommy.

Bottom line: PATIENCE & CONSISTENCY ;)

someone else said it - you're the alpha, not him. Say what you're gonna do and follow through with immediate action.

Good luck, you can do it!

-S.

*I just want to add: if hitting is an appropriate response to letting someone know they've done something wrong or inappropriate, why can't we do it to adults? There are plenty a co-worker I would like to spank...but alas, I would/could be arrested and sued and certainly wouldn't solve the problem. If I do something wrong at work, I am disciplined, but I am not spanked. Strict discipline and follow through does NOT need to require spanking - unless of course, you want to teach your child that hitting is an appropriate way to communicate your disappointment in someone's behavior.

note 2: Just because it happened to many of us as children and we 'turned out fine' doesn't mean it's the best course of action. Many of our parents didn't use car seats either and we're still alive, but I think we'd all agree we've learned better ways. Plus, 'turning out fine' is very subjective;)

You really have to be hard core - for instance, put him in his room while he's having a tantrum and put a thing on his door handle so he can't get out. Remove things from his room that he can damage, etc. If he acts up in restaurants, leave, and get a babysitter next time. Punish him for his behavior, like no treats the next day. That still works for me, and my kids are in the double digets in age. Time outs always worked good for us. When they were little and they tried to get out of timeouts, I held them there until they were done. Eventually, they knew they couldn't leave the timeout. When they got older, instead of timeouts, we give them checkmarks, and if they get three in a day, no treat the next day, if four, no treat and no TV, and so on. It works well for us.

My feeling is that parents are human, too, and there are days and times when it is just not possible to be consistent, patient, and validating, either due to circumstances (like being late for work) or your own physical/emotional state (like being nauseated and exhausted from pregnancy)! Just like all kids are different, all parents are different, too. I, for one, have a very difficult time remaining calm and emotionless if I am tired and nauseated, although some moms are more naturally even keel. I don't have a book about discipline styles, but I do have one about accepting that there are different styles of parenting, depending on who YOU are! It definitely made me feel better b/c it shows both the strengths and weaknesses of each type of parent (based on the Myers-Briggs personality assessment). So even parents who remain calm at all times have their weaknesses! It's called Motherstyles: Using Personality Type to Discover Your Parenting Strengths.

http://www.amazon.com/Motherstyles-Personality-Discover-P...

Good luck and congrats on your pregnancy!

Some kids just don't have tantrums and some do. I was a monster. My brother didn't say a word. So what works for one mom may not work for you. Your son has his own way of doing things. I'm bad with discipline too but sometimes I just have to say "Not an option!!" and make my son stop what he's doing. Hitting is one thing that is not an option. For other things, try giving your son a choice - you can eat this or that. We can go here or there... It gives them a feeling of being in some control of their lives. One thing you didn't mention was a positive behavior chart. Make a chart like a calendar. Explain to your son that each day he speaks nicely when he wants something and doesn't tantrum when he doesn't get his way - he'll get a sticker for that day. After a certain number of stickers (it may not be in a row!) he gets a special treat or toy. Try this for a couple of months and it might help. I used it with potty accident...

Good luck!

Just remember that EACH child is different. Some children are laid back and easy and some have really hard temperments. What works for one child may not work for another. I find rewarding instanty that they are doing things right is really important. Make them aware that you are happy when they are doing things right. Often times we forget to tell me right away when they do something right, but we disipline then so fast. Timeouts never worked with my daughter. I had have to learn other things. Like an area for a "breaktime" Have a place where you child can calm down. Have things in this area that he loves. It can be a blanket and some special toys that he only gets when he needs a place to calm himself. Also, if you can take any ALL emotion when you are disiplining that can help. Children will feed off of what energy you are putting out. IF you are yelling and screaming, he is probably not going to be calm..It is tough. It is HARD to be consistant. As a mom, we wear out because often we don't get a break from the reality of motherhood. Don't be too h*** o* yourself. Kids are tough!!!

Don't let one parents thoughts make you feel bad. I know I am a good mom. I have 2 boys and have been consistent in my discipline with both of them. My oldest is extremely well behaved, but my youngest who is almost 3 is completely different. He has a"big" personality and when things don't go his way, he let's the world know it. We haven't done anything wrong. It is just the nature of some children. All kids are different. Good luck!

I was in your shoes just a little while ago - about $2000 in family counseling later, the best advice I can give you is to stop doing anything else you are doing ( working, having a social life, family parties, etc.) and get the book "1,2,3 Magic", and devote yourself to getting your boy under control - it will only get worse if you don't stop it now. Part of this IS developmental, you will recognize the same behaviors in your second child in a couple of years, but these bad behaviors will also become bad habits if they aren't addressed now. He must see you as the alpha, he must learn to obey you NOW, before you have a 3 week old infant in your arms and he decides he will run away from you at the park, the mall, down the street. And one last thing - that blog reference, how nice for her, but I have a very analytical, spirited boy, who thinks for himself and wants what he wants when he wants it, and obeying mommy, waiting until after dinner to have dessert just dosen't mesh with his personality!
Really - put your house in order and then devote yourself to your kid - it will make life in the long run so much better, and your son will be happier too.

Sweetie, you just hit it on the head-INCONSISTENCY!!!
That is key....I am a single mother of three sons believe it or not and I have not had any isssues really at all...I am allllll over them and I don't let up, I find it very effective. I have expectations of them when we are in public and I've been complimented on their manners.
I wouldn't say you have to be mean but being stern and standing by what you say is imperitive!! You'll be fine, its tough, don't get me wrong...but soooo worth it!

I think a good swat on the tush is in line. I come from a large family, and I swear, with seven kids... we were all well behaved, LOVED AND VERY HAPPY! You will find the answers to child rearing in the Bible. No psychologist needed there. Be a parent and love your children and well behaved children ARE HAPPY CHILDREN! It's up to you to teach your children.

you have some great help in the responses below - what I want to add and/or emphasize is:

~ you need to remain calm and collected (and I do not always succeed here, believe me)
~ you need to be consistent.

read and think and best of luck with your journey

Riley, you are so funny, but so right. We do have to take what people say with a grain of salt. I recently read on here that someone said their child was the best, sweetest, most perfect child ever and this person is so happy that she couldn't imagine ever having another child just as perfect.

2 days later the same mom was asking about new ways to deal with her child that will not listen to her and ignores her completely LOL!

I do have to say though, some kids just never throw tantrums. I have seen so many kids from the same families with polar opposite personalities. Sometimes I wonder if anything we do makes a difference at all. I am a big believer in active discipline, good supervision, but at the end of the day, I wonder how much of what we do changes anything. It's the age old nature vs nurture debate.

I agree with you and I think you almost answered your own question. My in-laws live in our house so we have a real problem with inconsistent parenting. I put him in time out, put him to bed, ignore the bad behavior but the MIL isn't so good at it. She jumps every time he cries so that's his new way to get what he wants. I try to make sure my son knows what he's done and why it's wrong but he's 3....there's a limit to what he understands and how long he remembers it. Time out is our best technique and going to bed early.

I see you got a lot os responses and I read that blog too. I thought it was really annoying. Yes, the advice is really good and employing those techniques will help most children (and parents). What annoyed me is the condescending tone in which is was written. It implied that if you had a child who had a tantrum it was because you were doing a bad job as a parent. A child who doesn't tantrum is a combination of good parenting and the child's own physiological and psychological disposition and maturity. Very young children have a hard time expressing themselves and are neurologically immature. Plus, if you have a child who has an ASD or other issue it is even more difficult for them. I think parents need to acknowledge their role in their child's behavior (or misbehavior) but its not all about the parents.