20 answers

Bad Relationship with My Adult Daughter

My adult daughter does not want to deal with me at all,she does not want to speak to me.That happens because of my fault. Is there any way to make her forgive me?
I have done many wrong things,I wanted much from her and said much awful words to make her do what I wanted.She was my only love,my goal and the meaning of my life.

What can I do next?

Featured Answers

Give her some time and some space. Apologize in a letter. Spell out exactly what you are sorry for...
You can't make people forgive you, but you can earn their trust again... it will take some time and a LOT of work and patience.
LBC

2 moms found this helpful

More Answers

Write her a letter. Admit your mistakes, apologize for the past and ask her if you two can start over as two women instead of a mother and daughter. Build trust as another woman first and later on you can work at rebuilidng a POSITIVE mother/daughter relationship with her.

Most importantly, you HAVE to change YOUR behavior. If she says no, you HAVE TO RESPECT THAT. If you do, then eventually it will dawn on her that you really have changed and she'll probably start to come around.

Best of luck!

6 moms found this helpful

I had a problem with my father for many years. I never totally cut him off, but kept him at a very long distance (emotionally).. Finally he went to counseling and wrote me an apology letter and made some realistic promises to me. We spoke and I told him he had made promises before and never kept them, so he would have to "live the life he said he wanted to live" for a while, before I felt I could trust him.

He did it. He has been humble, he apologized, he still tells me he had regrets about his past behaviors.. I finally told him, I forgave him and understand that he is a product of his own childhood. His parents were spankers, yellers and did not know how to guide children.

But I also told him his actions were going to speak louder than his words.
He has done great and is reaping the rewards in all parts of his life.

I suggest you find help. Figure out what your own problem is and then see if you can settle this problem with your daughter. Give her space, give her time, but do not give up on her. She is an adult with her own problems, you need to be there , but not up in her business or in her way. Make sure you make it clear you will always love her and you are going to seek help (if this is true) and then Do IT.

5 moms found this helpful

I'd start with a letter...and state EXACTLY what you just said to us. Its my fault. I feel guilty. I said aweful words...

Then I tell her that I loved her...no matter geography. And that you will do what ever it takes (within reason) to build that trust with her. Tell her that your heart was in the right place...and that you probably handled things with her the way things were handled with you and that it is no excuse but fact. Tell her that she IS your only love and meaning of life and that even as parents we are human and we screw up sometimes too and that you too, ask her for forgiveness.

I have no idea what you did, or what led to the rift between you, but I do know the power of time and healing. And I do know the benefits of simply saying that sorry is not enough...

I am sending good thoughts your way.

5 moms found this helpful

I think that if you own up to what you did and put it all down in a letter to her with a heart-filled apology, and then give her some time to absorb it all in and process it, she will eventually come around. She may need some time to figure all of it out and begin to trust the fact that you have a new attitude but, if you grant her the grace of patience and understand that she is a separate person whose needs and desires are individual and needs to be respected as such, then I'm sure that she will eventually reach out to you once again. You may want to suggest that the two of you go to counseling together. This will give the both of you a safe environment and a neutral third person to air out your issues with and hopefully come to a better undestanding and respect for each other.

I hope that you are able to patch things up with your daughter soon.

3 moms found this helpful

The only thing you can is change. You need to learn how to communicate with people. Funny how some people treat others when they say they love them. Maybe some counseling will help you. After you have completed counseling you can try to contact her and tell her you are better, got help and now your a better person.

3 moms found this helpful

How do you "make" her forgive you? You don't!! You can't make your grown daughter *DO* anything.

It's time to accept she is a grown woman, she doesn't need you anymore. However, if you are a nice, friendly person to be around, she can choose to have you in her life again.

The best thing you can do is fix yourself. Be a good friend, be someone people would like to have around. Your daughter will see the changes and her attitude will change with it. GL.

3 moms found this helpful

What comes around goes around. Sorry but I have not spoken to my father is 30 years and never will. He is a loser and selfish and I do not want my children around his bad aura. On the other hand I had an amazing mom who always thought of her children and I will cherish her forever. I treat my children with the respect they deserve and teach them responsibility and love. I always think of their happiness and what ever I do now in our relationship affects their future relationships. You have alot of work to do. Are you really ready? Actions speak WAY louder than words.

2 moms found this helpful

Give her some time and some space. Apologize in a letter. Spell out exactly what you are sorry for...
You can't make people forgive you, but you can earn their trust again... it will take some time and a LOT of work and patience.
LBC

2 moms found this helpful

You need to change, and give her time. Write her a letter explaining the sorrow you feel for the way you treated her and let her know how proud you are of her and how much you love her. Tell her you understand if she needs time and hope that she can give you a chance to start a new relationship in the future.

2 moms found this helpful

just step back, let her live the way she feels best for her, and give her time, eventually all kids come home at some point and time

2 moms found this helpful

I have a simliar difficult relationship with my father. He has some serious issues. Since you recognize you have a responsibility for what happened, it seems like you are ready to get some help. I'd go to an AA meeting to see if you can find help there, as well as to a counselor. A child brings much joy, but being the 'only' love, 'the goal and the 'meaning of my life' is unbalanced. Instead of focusing on 'making' your daughter forgive you, get help to live a healthy life yourself - then your relationship will have the opportunity to heal.

2 moms found this helpful

Let her gain your trust again. I am sure she still loves you. The fact that you want to change is wonderful.
Its not about buying things for her. Its about being there. Be consistent it might take time but I bet she will come around.

Let your daughter see with actions. Don't lash out with mean words. If she says something mean to you just ignore it.
Write a letter. Let her know you were very wrong and you need her forgiveness.

Love is better than strife.

2 moms found this helpful

I couldn't imagine not talking to my mom, but it depends on what happened. If you can try to talk to her, write her a letter, leave her a voicemal, etc...maybe. But maybe she just needs time too. I'm not sure because you dont say how long you haven't talked, how far apart you live, the issue that caused it, etc...or your relationship prior to the issue. All of those things make a difference. But I hope it works out for you guys,

2 moms found this helpful

Sometimes, a person who does these things doesn't fully understand why or what other things they are doing that are hurtful. Tell her you are going to counseling to get help because you want a good relationship with her and you know it was your fault. Then work on it, role play, change your life and your ways, then ask her if she'd be willing to come into counseling to relay to you both what else there might be that you missed so you can work on that too, She will appreciate the ability to have input as well as see and hear your changes. Read a few books on the subject of being controlling.

And do find other things to put your energy into as well. An adult child doesn't want to be the center of their parent's lives.

Best of luck in your journey.

2 moms found this helpful

I don't know why she doesn't want to talk to you. And sometimes you really didn't do anything, the other person is able to blame you or manipulate you into thinking something is your fault. My advice here is to decide if you really are at fault, forgive yourself, write a note and say your sorry, tell her you love her and leave it at that. She will eventually come around. Especially if she has her own children. They can do the same thing to her...And repeat after me: I will respect myself in spite of my faults and imperfections and surround your own life with happiness.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi D.,
I'm sorry that you have had a troubled relationship with your daughter. You are off to a good start in admitting fault. I would start with a sincere apology, and then let actions speak louder than words. Change your behavior. Remember that your kids cannot be the only meaningful thing in your life, they grow up, move on and it's time for them to make their own choices in life.
However, you ask if there is a way to "make" her forgive you. That sounds as if you have not completely given up on your controlling ways. You don't get to "make" your daughter do anything. You can't control her forgiveness. That is up to her and she may not instantly give you another chance simply because it is what you want.
I would be thinking about therapy if my actions caused my child to cut me out of their life. Good luck D.. I hope that you and your daughter can mend your relationship

1 mom found this helpful

I think you are getting great advice D.. I think writing a letter is very good and let her know you will give her the time she needs to forgive you. Then "show" her that you love her; Love is a verb, showing goes further than telling. She may need lots of time to heal and restore a relationship with you. While you wait work on yourself, make changes to better yourself so that you don't fall back into old habit and hurt her again. Maybe send her flowers every month letting her know you miss her. I don't think you should RUSH her into forgiving you. Once you ask forgiveness it's on her to do. God Bless You and I believe your relationship will be stronger in time!

1 mom found this helpful

Dear D., I don't know what you did or said but you may have to let some time pass. You cannot make her do anything but maybe you can write to her and tell her you are sorry. Spend some time reflecting about yourself and promise not to do these things. The only way we can get love and respect is to give it. This will take time to gain back. Pray, Grandma Mary

Admit you were wrong, ask for forgiveness, and let God take care of the rest.

Nanc

D.,
I have three grown daughters that I love with all my heart! Almost every time we are together at my home, a fight breaks out. I have recently asked for forgiveness from my youngest, and the other two daughters just call and we never mention what happened. In our house, it is always my fault even though my husband caused this last fight on Father's Day. I cry, stay up-set, threaten to leave, etc. When I did ask for forgiveness from my youngest, she quickly said: " Thanks, Mom----I love you". I will also pray for your broken heart. I know what it is like to have one---or all three mad at me. All you can do is ask her to forgive you, pray---and I believe that is all you can do on your part!

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