40 answers

How to Forgive What Seems Unforgivable?

Question is, HOW do you forgive what seems unforgivable? How do you move on?

What can I do next?

Featured Answers

I'm sorry, but I just don't understand why you would want to stay in a relationship that is "lame" - you say that you suspect you will catch him again, at which point you will leave....but what about the interim? Will you spend every day on edge, just waiting for him to revert to his old ways, silently (or not so silently) resenting him? And then end up leaving him anyway?? Forgiveness is a noble goal, but so is self-preservation - personally I would never undermine myself or my value as a person to stay in such a toxic situation. Sorry that wasn't much help, just my 2 cents. Good luck to you.

4 moms found this helpful

Some people can't forgive. Trust is a big deal, how can you forgive when you still think it mighht happen again. Forgiveness is for when it is over and the guilty party asks for forgiveness. Is he asking? And if you have no intention of leaving and just want to remain in this "lame" relationship I would really seek counseling to discover why you feel you don't deserve better.

3 moms found this helpful

forgiveness is very easy to give. it's forgetting that is an issue for most people, and that causes a breakdown in trust, etc. if he was willing to go to a sex therapist than even if it is just for you, maybe you should go? i think the first step to forgiveness is to find out what the reasons are a person does what they do. does he have a sexual addiction? is there something there that you don't know about that has caused him to do these things that you don't approve of. if so, find out what they are and then decide from there if it's something you can work with. unfortunately there are just sometimes things go too far, and sometimes a person can't forgive. my husband is the LEAST forgiving person i know, even when it doesn't happen to him. some people see black and white no gray. if you love him and want to work it out than find the gray.

2 moms found this helpful

More Answers

This is going to sound really harsh, and I have a tendency to beat people over the head with the truth, but please understand that I am saying all of this out of genuine concern for your self esteem as a woman.

Since you seem to be committed to staying in a toxic relationship with a person that you KNOW will cheat on you again in the future, let me give you a different angle.

You don't WANT to forgive him. You keep saying that you do, but the anger in your lines and your arguments for everything reeks of knowing that you're at the end. Your self esteem appears to be non-existent at this stage, and it's far easier to ignore that and stay where you are by making excuses and placing blame. So here's the bottom line, based on everything you've typed here. This is your fault that you are still in this situation. And you know that.

To answer your question above directly, how do you forgive what's unforgivable? In your case, by recognizing that you're choosing to live that way. You're choosing to be with someone that's going to step out on you. Since that's your choice, you no longer get to be mad at him for that. Period. So, bottom line, either get over it and accept that this is what your "relationship" is, or leave. There is no "secret option C".

13 moms found this helpful

you said a key word in your post LOVED NOT LOVE honestly i think it would be time to take a break from you to for yourself and just try and see if you are better apart than together.

6 moms found this helpful

I think true forgiveness can happen only with true remorse. You have not said anything that would lead us to believe your guy is really remorsefull. True remorse leads one to change, even make amends. With the exception of addiction, in which case, he may very well be remorseful but in a place were he is unable to change. Then your forgiveness may not be enough for reconciliation and a bright future together. Try and figure out what you are really dealing with here. The problem may not be your inablilty to forgive, but his inability to change and make you feel he is someone to be respected and trusted. I for one could not marry a man I did not respect.

You have kids together? Then I applaud your efforts to make this work. But if he's not actively doing his part (counseling and trying to change), I hope you realize the problem is not your inability to forgive.

5 moms found this helpful

I'm sorry, but I just don't understand why you would want to stay in a relationship that is "lame" - you say that you suspect you will catch him again, at which point you will leave....but what about the interim? Will you spend every day on edge, just waiting for him to revert to his old ways, silently (or not so silently) resenting him? And then end up leaving him anyway?? Forgiveness is a noble goal, but so is self-preservation - personally I would never undermine myself or my value as a person to stay in such a toxic situation. Sorry that wasn't much help, just my 2 cents. Good luck to you.

4 moms found this helpful

Make a list of the things you love about him and the things you hate about him. If your hate list is longer...time to find someone who loves and appreciates you! From your post, it really doesn't sound like there is much left.

4 moms found this helpful

Forgiveness needs to come from within. For most people that means you need to acknowledge the hurt/betrayal/lack of trust, etc. AND you need the offender to acknowledge what he did and how it makes you feel and how it has changed your relationship. Then it takes time. For some people it only takes days and for others it takes years and for others it never happens. Personally, I don't think forgiveness can be given if you are fairly certain (which you seem to be) that the offense will happen again in the future. Forgiving your partner for his actions isn't going to just magically make everything better (the sex for instance, he isn't going to go from a 2 second man to a 30 minute man just because you forgive him. If he is willing to go to a sex therapist then he should go regardless of what you think might crop up from counseling. Just because he is going to a therapist to appease you doesn't mean he won't get anything from it). Try googling 'how to forgive a cheating partner.' Good luck.

4 moms found this helpful

I'm sorry J., but you deserve better. Even YOU seem to realize you deserve better. Even YOU seem to realize it takes two, and a lot of ego checking on both sides to move forward. It wil not get better no matter how hard YOU try, if YOU are not satisfied with his trying.

I keep capitalizing YOU because YOU deserve better, did I already say that?

Best to YOU.

:)

3 moms found this helpful

Of course you are mad and disgusted, BUT .....If you are staying fight your fears and go to therapy. If he is going only to please you....... well, that shows he cares and wants to make things work. A sex therapist sounds perfect. Go! What could get worse? If you go maybe it will get better.

3 moms found this helpful

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