Bad Parent??

She is 15, this is a perfect time to teach financial responsibility. You want it do chores, mow yards, baby sit earn the money and save it so that you can buy what you want. Lacking finances does not make you a bad parent.

Have her use her money for the accessories. She can get a babysitting job or mow lawns, shovel people's drives this winter.

I got an AG doll as a gift when I was younger then saved up for any additional outfits/accessories myself or asked for them for gifts. After about a year or two she just sat in a shelf in the same outfit. However, it taught me to save money up for the things I wanted. Don't feel bad.

Even if you *could* afford to get her all this stuff, *should* you? My kids are both young, but I am trying to teach them even now that we provide their necessities, and they use their money to buy their "wants." Sure, we get them toys on their birthdays and for Christmas, and also at other times, but I have no problem with telling them, "No, I'm not going to buy that -- you'll have to buy it if you want it." [They do chores around the house for money.]

I like what author and financial counselor Dave Ramsey says [http://daveramsey.com] -- "Poor is a state of mind. I've been broke a few times in my life, but I've never been 'poor'."

Besides, children who always get their way in life tend to grow up into spoiled little princes and princesses who don't really know how to live and take care of themselves, because they've always had mommy and daddy hand everything to them on a silver platter. So, think of it is character building. :-) Plus, as others said below, she can get a baby-sitting job or otherwise earn money to buy the things she wants.

Parenting is not about how much money we have or what we do or do not buy our children. It's about love, boundaries, and teaching children how to get along in this world. Living within your income is an important part of getting along in this world.

There is no easy way to change your feelings of being a failure. I suggest you start out by realizing that what you say to yourself determines how you feel. So stop thinking and saying that you're a failure. Each time that thought enters your mind, tell yourself to stop. Say it out loud if that helps.

Then focus on spending time with and enjoying your daughter. Tell her you're sad that you can't buy these things for her. Talk with her about things that she could do to earn money to buy some of the things for herself. Research jobs for teens on the Internet. Have her talk with a school counselor about jobs. Above all, focus on what you do have and let go of what you don't have.

Sharing a positive attitude about life will benefit your daughter much more than being able to buy her things. Not having money is a reality. If you can accept it as just a fact of life and not an indicator of your parenting skills she will know that you love her and that is more important than things.

Counseling would help you make this major transition in thinking. There are non-profit clinics that charge on a sliding scale. The county mental health clinic may not charge you at all or only a nominal amount. There may be a church that would help you build a positive outlook.

You are NOT a failure as a parent! At least not because you can't buy her all the AG stuff.

I wanted lots of things when I was growing up that I didn't get. My parents were also poor. I still don't get lots of things as an adult even tho I have a moderate income. I'm definitely not poor. Unless you're really rich you cannot buy everything you want. So relax and enjoy your daughter and her interest in the AG doll.

Later: Hmmmm? You also asked, in other posts, if she was too old for dolls as well as about her having a long distance friendship with an 18 yo boy that she knew when she was younger? She has a computer and a cam. You're not poor. You're smart with how you spend money. I also wonder if your question about being too old was more a way of finding a way to say no than about whether or not she should be wanting an AG doll.

I feel your confusion in how to best parent a teen.

I suggest that you focus on being more direct when you think about issues. The AG doll is about whether or not you can afford it: not whether or not you're a bad parent or even whether or not she's too old. I wonder if you're feeling insecure as a mother and instead of finding ways to increase your confidence you're thinking in terms of what you think you should or should not be doing.

If you think that you should be giving your daughter everything or if you're thinking that the AG doll will stop your daughter's interest in her long distance relationship then you've missed the point. What can your daughter learn in each of these situations?

You are the mother. What do you think is best for your daughter and your family? I suggest a parenting book such as Love and Logic for Teens by Foster Cline and Jim Fay will help you understand the dynamics of discipline and will help you make decisions based on what you want your daughter to learn.

I hope that the AG doll and the long distance relationship aren't related but I suspect they are. Is the doll a bribe? Are you concerned about the long distance relationship separate from her wanting a doll or does the doll represent keeping her young and not so vulnerable to an older boy?

Does she really want the doll and all it's stuff because she's interested in playing with the doll or is the doll her's and your's effort to keep her a little girl? Is she frightened by this relationship as well as excited to be "in love?" I suggest that she may be indirectly asking for better supervision and/or boundaries. The long distance relationship doesn't have to be all or nothing.

I'm feeling that I'm not explaining this well. Relationships between mothers and daughters are complicated. I suggest that you read Love and Logic For Teens and take a parenting class focused on the teen years. Counseling can also help you gain confidence, learn about boundaries and how to enforce them, and learn skills with which to deal with your own feelings and your daughter's feelings.

I can't even afford to look at American Doll catalogues. I am pretty sure that has no bearing on what kind of Mother I am. I have three girls who would love those things, but it isn't reality for us. Providing what our kids need is very important. Providing everything they want is not. I am surprised that your 15 year old is even still interested in dolls. My 14 year old enjoys playing with her little sisters as they all play dolls, but I am pretty sure she doesn't want a doll as a gift. Tell your daughter that if she wants all the other stuff, she can go get a job and purchase it herself. My 14 year old does farming work for her Grandparents to earn extra spending money for the things she wants that I can't afford.

Just a suggestion, maybe 15 is not the age to start such things but as for clothes and the such, see if you can find a class or someone you know that knows how to sew and start making outfits together. My MIL makes barbie clothes and is teaching me how to do it too and I am in no way good at sewing. It could be fun projects, that way you can use old shirts or pieces of fabrics and make up your own designs.. Like I said 15 may not be the age, at that time it's a lot of do with brand names and the such but it could be a really fun thing for you two to do together and teach her about time together is more valuable than things..

WAIT & SEE BEFORE BUYING MORE

You've already received some great suggestions, such as having your daughter learn to sew clothes for the doll, save for herself, etc.

Here's one more to consider: Have her see how much she really plays with the doll before buying anything else. My daughter has two of the American Girl dolls (in part, because I love them and was enjoying them vicariously through her!!) and some of the clothes and accessories. She received the dolls as Christmas gifts when she was around 3rd & 4th grade, and the accessories and clothes for other gift occasions.

Even though some of her best friends had AG dolls and played with them a lot, my daughter hardly ever played with hers at all!! I couldn't believe it! Her dolls even had a little violin (like my daughter played), and lots of other darling accessories pertaining to my daughter's interests. She played with Barbies and other toys, and she did read the AG books. She only played with the dolls a few times. Other little girls who came over played with my daughter's dolls more than she did.

My daughter just set out the AG dolls in their beautiful clothes on a shelf to look at. They can only wear one outfit at a time.

It's hard not to get caught up in the excitement of choosing among the adorable clothes and accessories when you're looking through the catalog or online, but they are WWWAAAAYYYY over priced! Target sometimes carries things for a line of dolls the same size that cost a fraction of the price. Not buying AG products doesn't mean the parents are poor, it can mean they have good judgment!

And, your daughter may end up just using her doll as a decoration.

She is 15 and by now should know the value of a dollar. YOU had to save up for the doll (SERIOUSLY?!! $100?? for a DOLL??!!), so SHE should save up for any accessories. You need not let her know it is because you are too 'poor,' just teaching her a valuable lesson about finances. Perhaps once she saves up for the clothes she wants (again....WHAT?!! $25+ for OUTFITS??!! Sheesh!), she will appreciate it more and/or find something else she wants for the same money. With $50 in hand SHE earned, will she get one or two outfits, or save up more, or find a bunch of clothes, earrings, purses, charms, etc. for the same price?

Oh yeah! I forgot the original question. Bad parent? Heck no! I would think you are a better parent for not caving in to every want and whim of a fickle 15-year-old!! Perhaps getting her (and you) a book authored by Dave Ramsey is in order.

This is the perfect time to explain finances... You can't just have anything you want. I've told my children many times that we can't afford an item. They understand. They don't think I'm a bad parent because they don't get something.
As for the accessories - try ebay and yard sales... You'll be amazed at what you can find. She really doesn't need them, though. See how she does with the doll... If she wants accessories or more clothes, she can earn them herself or she can ask for them for gifts... Personally, I shop the sale page at AG.
LBC

It's wonderful and generous that you want your daughter to have something she'll find beautiful and fun. And giving her love, great values, and a happy home are not dependent on getting her "stuff," no matter how special that stuff is.

If you have little material wealth, being able to purchase lovely things may seem to take on greater importance, but if you take a few deep breaths and stand back for a moment, you'll notice that reality doesn't support that notion. If this gift turns on some pressure to acquire more accessories, then one or both of you have fallen for one of the great myths of a wildly privileged society – that material things are equivalent to happiness, satisfaction, or perhaps even status. That myth has taken the whole world to the brink of economic disaster. Don't let that happen to your family.

Teach your daughter that happiness lies in relationships, worthwhile work, gratitude for what you have, and an appreciation of beauty, not necessarily ownership of it. You'll never give her a more valuable gift than that.

Do NOT tell her that you are too poor! You are a mother who has a budget and works with in that budget (which more parents should do). There is nothing to be ashamed of, you are being responsible. Have her work for the doll, chores, allowance, mother's helper. When she has saved up for the stuff she will appreciate it more. You will be teaching her a valuable lesson that we all have learned, money doesn't grow on trees and if you want something you have to work for it.

oh my goodness you are NOT a bad parent. it's a perfect opportunity to point out that you and dad aren't made of money and she should appreciate what she has. also she could try doing odd jobs for family or neighbors to EARN that money for all that junk. please do NOT let this make you feel bad.

Your job as a mother isn't to buy your children nice things. Your job is to raise your children to know that they are loved and teach them to be healthy, well adjusted adults someday. There is nothing in the world you can, or should try to, buy your children that will make you not a "failure as a mom."

As my father explained to me, my parents were "lower middle class." We owned a house and had decent cars. But I was in high school before I owned my first pair of brand name shoes, and we never owned a car with power anything. Yes, I saw that my classmates and friends had nicer things. Their parents had nicer cars and bigger homes. But they weren't happier. My parents set a wonderful example for me. You live within your means and don't let the things you own define who you are.

As an adult, my husband and I are both college educated professionals. Our salaries afford us a large home and we are able to purchase things we want when we want. However, we do not spoil our children. Both of us come from humble backgrounds and were taught to appreciate lifes experiences instead of things. That is something we want to pass on to our children. They don't have TVs in their rooms, in fact, we don't have cable. They don't get new toys or clothes just b/c we are at the store or the mall.

You taught your daughter a wonderful lesson by saving up the money for such a large purchase. Take pride knowing that you have instilled the important life lesson of patience and saving for things, versus putting it on a credit card for instant gratification. There is no shame in explaining to your daughter that the "extra" things for her new doll would have to be saved up for as well.

Your daughter is 15, she is old enough to understand the cst of things. Let her know that you would love to get her those things and more but they are quite expensive and can't not afford it. She could start doing odd job (like babysitting) and earn some money herself and maybe you could agree to match what she saves.

You are so not a bad mom because you can't afford to buy your daughter something she wants but doesn't need. Even if you couldn't afford to buy her something she needed you still aren't a bad mom. I think you are showing more love by teaching her a valuable life lesson....that you can't always have everything you want. She definitely won't get everything she ever wanted her whole life through. Better deal with the disappointment now than try and talk to a young woman who thinks its awful to get engaged if her fiancee can't get a 2 ct diamond of perfect clarity...I worked in a jewelry store and trust me there are several of those around. I know easier said than done but buying her things won't make her truly happy, just spoiled. Good luck.

My kids are 4 and 7.
We, as parents explain money to our kids.
They know, we simply can't afford some things.
Its fine.
We dont' suffer... but simply cannot buy anything nor everything. Even splurging in gifts.
There have been, many times, quite honestly, that I have had to turn down birthday party invitations, because I/we could not afford to buy presents. And, personally, I would rather save up, for my own kid's birthdays and my own immediate family. So I had to make that hard decision... that I/we simply cannot go around gifting everyone, nor attend every occasion.

You can perhaps, find AG things, cheaper on E-bay.

Or just explain to your daughter.
You don't have to say you are poor or a failure...
Don't be embarrassed about your budget.
She is old enough.
Explain how much you love her, that you/Dad saved up for it... and it is special... for a special girl. Her.
And that MANY parents, do that.

You are not a failure.
It is life.
Explain these things to your daughter.
We do that, with our kids.
Sometimes, just as a treat for my kids, when I know I can't buy treats for them all the time... I buy the McDonald's toys... which only costs like $1.60 or so in my State. And then, I put them away.... and surprise my kids with it... just because.
It is not the price of something that makes it special... it is the thought.

Kids, need to learn... about saving, about budgeting, about money and what it means... to 'value' something special... because a lot of work and savings went into it.
Its okay.

all the best,
Susan

tere,

Relax mami just explain it very nicely to your girl that mom & dad will gonna buy it but not today, You are not a failure mom I know that everything you do is for the best of your child. You can also divert her attention maybe give her other options, search the net for a site that offers good, cheap but with good quality product. Good luck to you and your girl, hope she will understand your financial situation right now.

Oh please! You definitely aren't a bad mom. I grew up with very little and guess what? As an adult, I appreciate all the nice things I now have--and I'm not saying I'm rich. My middle daughter (8) wants an American Girl doll right now too. There is no way I'm just going to buy it for her. I told her she has to really consider whether she wants this, and if she does, she can ask for it at Christmas. I'm worried that it's more her friends' influence--all of her friends seem to have several of these dolls and she sees them at their houses. But my daughter really doesn't play with dolls--ever. I think two days after getting one she'd be bored with it and taking it for granted. AND, I have a four year old in the house; what if she decides to cut the doll's hair or ruin it's face with an inkpen? I'm out $100, at least. Sorry--I just vented my situation on you! Back to yours; by the age of 15, surely your daughter has already noticed that you can't afford to buy her whatever she wants. She can get a job and save the money--and/or do what we do when we can't easily afford something--yard sales, thrift stores, ebay, craigslist.

It's easy, say no. I have 3 kids ages 9, 8 and 6 and I say it all of the time.

I never got any of the extras when I was young. My mother just said they were too expensive, and she would help me make cool beds and such for my doll. Then, for Christmas, I got a dress for her, I think. Kids don't have to get everything cool that they see. If she really wants something, she can save up for it, or use her Christmas money toward it, or something. Good luck!

Try freecycyle.com
It's where you can ask for items and if someone is willing to give it to you free, you just meet or pick it up. Can't hurt to try.

No, your not a bad mom for not being able to buy your daughter all the things she wants. You just have to tell her this. Tell her that she will have to wait and get one thing at a time. I'm going through this with my son, but he's just 5 years old, wanting lots of toys an going to lots of places. We just tell him that we don't have enough money for all the things he wants.
She's old enough to understand this.

May I give you some advice--she should go out and get herself a job.When she does this, she will learn about money more. Have her save a certain percent in savings for college, and a portion for what she wants. My niece is 14 and has a job...she has a percentage for tithing, percentage for college, and a portion for what she wants and its helped her out so many ways, and she can do more activities with this kind of responsibility.
Hope this helps out.

I didn't read all the responses but definitely at 15yrs old she should understand if you can't afford something. There are some really great add-ons for the dolls and yes they are expensive...so maybe tell her for bdays, Christmas, etc. she can get one or two of the extras. I know my sister bought her daughter an AG doll and I bought some of the extras for her birthday and Christmas and so did other relatives.

Don't feel like a failure as a Mom because you can't give your child pricy things. I guarantee your daughter will look back on her childhood and know you gave her all that you could...and you gave her love. That's priceless.

Check out craigs list I just sold lots of AG stuff on there. I didn't buy any of this stufff because I felt it was ridiculously over priced. It all came from relatives for christmas/birthdays etc. I think saying no and being financially responsible is a better lesson to teach then going into debt or struggling to buy things that aren't really necessary. I say no all the time and explain why. Sometimes that explanation is "we just can't afford that right now."

Yes. You're absolutely the most horrible parent on the planet. Ok...no...you're not.
Check out ebay for used stuff, encourage her to choose AN item for Christmas, birthday, etc. Can she do some little jobs around the neighborhood to help her make some moolah for the stuff: dog walking, mother's helper, cat sitting, etc?
Just tell her the AG stuff is very very pricey and you can't afford those things--only for a special occasion.

I would just tell her that you can't afford it...plain and simple. If she wants the extras, have her earn the money - rake leaves for neighbors, babysit, anything so that she can start to realize the value of a dollar. I bet if she works hard for that money, she won't want to spend it on 10 outfits for a doll!

Both my daughters have Bitty Babies (which is made by American Girl) they were a gift from Grandparents. My older daughter also has an American Girl doll (another gift from Grandparents). All of the other clothing & accessories were bought on ebay, from Target & handmade (bought at craft sales). I could never afford to buy them from AG. My girls are much younger & understood. They love that they have clothing for their dolls that other kids don't have.

no ur not a bad parent the economey is just messed up right now everyone feels ur pain..i tell my kids u didnt appreciate when you was just handed stuff now that we have tighten the belt you have to save for what you want makes them want it more and take better care of it..also try AMAZON..COM they have cheap items..

I'm 65. I loved dolls as a young girl, and still do. The a g dolls are very overpriced. I was in costco the other day and they have a lovely looking doll, the same size, for $25! Last Christmas I got ag dolls for granddaughters. All of the clothes I have bought has been made by someone I found on the internet. Her clothes are lovely. The whole thing is a racquet. All I can say is, she will probably keep her nice, and you can sell her on ebay and she can have the money in the future. I know that I loved my dolls, but the material things are not what shaped me, the love and support of my parents did that.
Sounds like you are doing a fine job, and don't feel bad.

.

That's about how all parents feel, like we aren't doing enough, but you are. I have 3 daughters, 2 that had those dolls and OMG the accessories, while beautiful, are expensive!! If you sew, or know someone that does, they have all the patterns for the clothes and you can make them super cheap compared to buying them for AG. That's what I did. I made Samantha's Red Cloak and Josephina's clothes & we even made the other dolls clothes for Samantha and Josephina. She can use her imagination to build a bedroom for her doll.

Don't be so h*** o* yourself. Don't tell her you're too poor, just tell her you want to find ways of getting those cheaper, and you can get more in the long run.

First you need to keep in mind that she is 15 and should be well aware of the money that your family has or does not have....not in dollars but in how you have lived over the last 15 yrs. The fact that you are buying her this pricey doll is plenty! You might be able to find clothing for it on ebay...??
A 'bad parent' would be one that buys their child everything just b/c they ask! You are teaching your child the value of money and that they can't have everything they want. Do NOT tell your daughter you are poor. That just doesn't sound good and I am sure isn't true or you wouldn't be buying her the doll. How I tell my kids things is by saying that they have $$ to spend and if they go over they must use their money. When they ask why they can't have it, I explain that it costs money and you don't get money unless you work and you get a set amount, not just any amount you want. I try to explain everytime we are out shopping or at a restaurant how things cost money. I tell them how much houses are, cars, toys, etc My son is 7 now and seems to understand but my daughter is almost 5 and still thinks she can have anything she asks for. She gets upset until I start saying things like, "when you start working later in life you will understand that things cost money, the water, the electricity, etc so you need to make sure you do good in school so you can get a good job". Your daughter probably knows these things at her age but you can just reiterate that things cost money and you can't just keep giving. Tell her that you want to give her this nice doll but that she will have to wait on extra outfits. Can you sew or can a grandmother? Maybe someone can sew the doll some clothes? Or, can other family members buy her clothing for bdays, etc?? You are not a bad parent....good job!

It is important for kids to know that you can't always have what you want. My kids are much younger than yours, 6 and 3, and they know that we don't always have money for the things we want. I have been very honest about that from day one, if I can't afford it I just let them know that it isn't in the budget and that maybe soon it could be.

I really think 15 is old enough to understand that you cannot always have everything you want. I struggle with this also because it makes me happy when my child is happy, but I think it teaches good lessons to sometimes have to wait and save for something. It makes all of us appreciate things more. Remember when you would wait for Christmas as a kid??? Looking back on it, that was almost as exciting as the toy. I realized we needed to cut back on this with my son when he would obsess for something for a week, then 5 minutes after he got it, he would have moved on to obsessing about something else.

I vote for the doll now, perhaps have her save for something else in a couple of months, then more at Christmas.