Back Talking...What to Do?

I think the restriction thing will work. How long do you restrict it? For example, if you say he will not be allowed to use the computer for one day...that's no big deal for him to wait one day or even one week. What I think will work more affectively is, restrict computer usage etc from when HE wants to use it. Try it and see how he will change when he knows you are serious about the discipline.

Hi

Welcome to the world of teenage boys. They all start doing this around 11-12. It gets worse by 14 and then begins to taper off a little after that.

I am totally against hitting an older child on the head in any form. It is a way to humilate, scare, or lash out at older children. They will be embarrassed, scared and angry from it. I know from personal experience. ;-) I never hit my teenagers because I already knew what it felt like.

What we found that was effective was respect. If you can't give me the courtesy and respect of treating me like an adult and acting like an adult, then you don't need have me treat you like an adult. In their teen years they are practicing becoming adults. I told mine, this is your practice time where you learn the correct responses and the correct way to deal with difficult situations (jobs we hate, unreasonable bosses, money issues). I told them it is my job to see that they know what is correct. They need to heed my words and learn it now because when they are 22 and having problems it will be a lot harder to learn it then.

So ask him to take out trash, he says, "Later, I gotta finish my game". I say, "Oh, well let me see if I can afford the electricity that video game is costing me and that I am so kindly sharing with you". In order to back this up you need to learn where the breaker box is, how to flip it to cut off the electricity for that section of the house, and not be afraid to do it. ;-0

My kids have had showers go cold (when they insisted on staying in there way too long). They have lost their electricity, they have not been driven to friends houses because they could not afford the cost of a chaufer (me) and they could not be kind to me to make me even want to be in the room with them.

My husband set this up and encouraged me to use it. It works like a charm. A kid that thinks the world owes him a free lunch, a free bed, a free video game, free shuttle service, free clothes, free everything is in for a big dissappointment when he becomes an adult. He needs to realize now that you have to work for what you want and that when you respect people they will respect you back.

Good luck,
ts

J., take your mother-in-law's advice and "pop" him in the mouth the next time he mouths off to you. You may have to do it a few times but, trust me, it does work. I don't understand why it is that so many parents are afraid of spanking (not physically abusing) their children when they misbehave. Children these days are getting out of hand and things will only get worse unless parents stand up and do what is right by their children and that is give them discipline. If you don't do something now, he will get worse and do more than just mouth off to you and then you will also have to deal with your younger son who is already seeing that his older brother is getting away with it. Disciplining your children does not mean that you don't love them, it means that you do because it teaches them to respect people and property and this is very important in order for them to succeed in life. Good Luck. Sorry, I don't mean to preach.

Jannet as long as I can read, all these ladies have given you terrific advice.I specially enjoyed reading Tippi's!
Daddy's support is a must, specially when dealing with boys.
My 13 year old was raving the other day apparently for no reason. If there's no apparent (or valid) reason for his ravings then I would just associated as a homonal episode. So my son said to me... "I wish I was 21, so I can do whatever I want!". My response was, "Honey, did you say you wish you were 21? (so that he could hear thru me what he said) When he nodded, I said "Since you can't be 21 because you're only 13, then why not behave like a 21 Y/O!!!"
He said "I can't since I'm only 13", I told him "But you're so sure what it is to be 21, that you wish you were one!" He thought quitely for a few minutes, and said "I just wish that I could be independent, drive, live on my own, sleep late, not be in Boys Scouts, chores, etc, etc. After that we just talked about the job he had to have, the car he had to pay + Insurance, etc, etc....I ended up telling him that little by little he was going to learn how to be independant, hopefully before he's even 21...but for now, he's still 13 and in his way there, told him that at every stage in life one has his joys, struggles, responsibilities, succeses, failures and growing up to do (still) and that at the end all will be worth it!
No matter what happens, it is most certain that all would be a positive experience for kids and parents if the lines of communication remain open, and one respects that kid individuality and viceversa. What I catch my self saying is "I'm the parent and I'm accountable to God for how I raise you, I'm not here to destroy you. I'm here to help make you the best you can be!" It help when one is humble and also admits mistakes...."

J.,

Personally I am a bit surprised that others are recommending to "Pop" him. Coming from a childhood with family physical violence, I say DO NOT HIT. All that will do is create more anger. Once the anger and rage begins it is a vicious cycle to stop and may never stop. Because I was raised with violence it is really hard for me to stop cycle. My husband can see how mad I get at the kids and I would want to hit, although I don't. We had a difficult time just as you mentioned getting our son to behave, do what we ask and no he is evolving into back. Because nothing was working we decide to go to a family therapist. This is what his tips were... #1) Some children just don't respond with normal restriction, however incentive work better. Create a reward chart. Reward him for doing what you want and setting good examples. #2) Martial arts - signed up our son for an after school martial art program. This helps him learn how to focus, have self control and show respect. Worth every penny! Also, note if you decide to go visit with a therapist, don't make it all about his problem... Let him know as a family you want to learn how to communicate better. Let it be a family thing, not a him thing.

If you want I'll be more than pleased to share my reward chart, I have one made for his little sister too. Nothing is going to change over night. Remember you son is growing and his harmones are changing. It is hard for him to learn to control his new found size and ego, but he can learn self control and respect. The only way to teach self control and respect is to show it!

Again, please do not hit! A simple slap can turn into a full out fight, I know from experience. If you hit him, he may learn that hitting is acceptable to you and then potentially hit one of his siblings.

Good Luck! CJ

I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this. I know it is hard to know what is right or wrong as a parent.

I would deffinately suggest to pop him in the mouth aswell. Not that he needs to be hit or abused, but there comes a time when a child is growing up and normal punishment is just not going to work. If you have tried taking away the things he loves when he does this, and other measures, it may be time to use physical discipline. He is becoming a man, and needs to learn to respect you or it could effect his whole outlook on respecting women in general. I know he is only 11, but this day and age children are growing up quicker. I think if he knows that his mom will pop him in the mouth for getting mouthy, then possibly someone else could just as easily.

This is just my opinion, and there may be other ways, but I do know he needs to have respect for you at ALL times, not just when HE is being sweet. I think he may be testing you just as a child does when they are younger!

Good luck and I do hope you find a way to teach him that what he is doing is disrespectful!

Oh my, well first off you don't want to do anything your not comfortable doing. Since you don't even like the sound of popping someone then whether its right or wrong matters not it's wrong for you. You have to parent with a clear conscious. Speaking on a clear conscious or even feeling good about being in control of a situation, you need to find what makes you feel accomplished. Well its true when they turn around 12 it gets bad, however my son just turned 11 and I'm noticing him wanting to be mouthy my girls didn't start it till they were 12. They think they are all grown up and think that they know everything. They're trying to find their adult fix in the world. I say take the respect tact, they have to respect to be respected. My son can care less either about being grounded he'll find something in the house to make himself content. Take priveleges away and stand your ground if they make themselves very annoying don't give in. Turn their breakers off to their stuff if you have to. Let them know your crazy too and they'll learn real quick to respect you. When we let down our guard they learn our weakness and run all over us. Truly though kids feel more secure when we take charge. About the spanking thing though if you go that route never anywhere but the booty, and never with your own hand, they'll associate your hand as the hand that hits not the hand that loves so use a paddle.

I understand exactly where you are coming from because my 9 y/o does me the same way.Smacking him in the mouth doesn't work so I take away his game and don't let him go outside.That only works for a couple of days,but when he doesn't get to go anywhere that really hurts him.I agree with the other mothers spanking it works sometimes,but not all the time it is a waste to me.I even tried putting my son on meds for his behavior problem but that made it worse,so the best thing for us is to talk to them and find out what the problem really is,and what can we do to make it better for them.You are doing nothing wrong and the spanking works for my 5 y/o daughter but not my boys.All we have left is to talk to them........

Does your son get an allowance for chores he does around the house? If so, in my opion why don't you try to "fine" him everytime he mouths off to you. Tell him that this is how grown ups have to deal with conquse and when he sees that he has no spending money of his own he may just quit. And also get his father involed. I do agree that a pop in the mouth may work as long as you don't bust their mouth or leave any mark,just hard enough to get thier atteion, but you also have to do what you fell comfortable doing with your children. If you don't fell comfortable with a pop in the mouth or even spanking, DON'T do it.
You are his are his mother and you have to do what fells right for you to do. You may also want to try takeing things complety away from him. For example if he enjoys a game system you may try takeing it from him until the behavior changes.

I haven't had to deal with this personally yet (my daughter is only 18 months old), but I do have an opinion of how I would handle it. I do believe in spanking, but I do not believe in hitting a child in the face. I think you should tell him that his behavior is unacceptable and will not be tolerated. When he starts to mouth off, tell him he has until the count of 3 to knock it off or he will get a spanking. It may seem weird to put an 11 year old boy over your knee, but I think it could have a big impact. My mom had a paddle or wooden spoon that she would use on my brother and I. The most humiliating part of the whole thing is that she would make us go and get it for her!

If you have tried talking and taking away privileges and they are not working, you may only be able to get through to your son by spanking him. I just think it needs to be used in the right way so that there can be no question that this is a disciplinary tool, not just Mom losing it and hitting him. If you tell him what to expect (i.e. the spanking) and he refuses to obey, then I think it's fine to pull out a paddle and give him a couple of whacks on the behind. James Dobson has written some very good books on how to discipline children and gives very good advice as to the use of corporal punishment. If you can do some research and get your hands on one of his books...I think you could get some help. Try going to www.family.org and see what you can find. There are lots of articles there too!

Good Luck!
V.