At the End of My Rope!

Yes...children like these grace families everywhere, believe it or not. ;) I want to tell you 2 things:
#1: You are not the only one going through this difficulty even though it often feels like it. I know I feel better when my day is teetering on the threshold of my tolerance just remembering that other moms and dads are going through the same problems.
#2: How to Tame the Spirited Child (mentioned before) is a phenominal book that gives you ways to help both of you through the challenges, and an easy read.

K.

I just feel that there needs to be some type of discipline action taken...DON'T BEAT HIM TO DEATH, but let him know that there will be some type of consequences that he will have to deal with, add/subtract...give or take something away (no television, no toys, no playtime,) I mean something...timeout, spanking...

I'd recommend Love and Logic. They've got a website w/books on parenting and raising kids. I've got to admit, I'm not using it all the time, but I've tried some of their techniques and have gotten good results. Give it a try.

Wow, you have my kids. But let me tell you, when mine grew up, the tables turned. The teenage years, I would take my second one any day over the oldest one. And now that they are adults, my second one, is serving his country, second time in Iraq right now, but very mature and awesome. My oldest one, is no where near as responsible as that second hellion I thought I had. I know how you feel, thank goodness for drive throughs now. I didn't have those, so we only ate at home. I couldn't take him anywhere. He doesn't believe how bad he was, but EVERYONE tells him. He has asked me how I ever let him survive, its quite a laughing matter now. But back then, man, he pushed me further than I thought a person could be pushed. NO ONE would watch him, so I was stuck with him 24/7. They would take my oldest one all the time. I have no advice for getting through it to make it easier, but just know, the day will come, that you will be so proud of who you raised, it will all be worth it. Now that he's in the Army, I so wish I had my little boy back, naughty and all. I did have a third child, he is the sweetest most easy going kid a mother could ask for. Good luck to you, its hard, but so worth everything he's putting you through right now. He will be very successful when he grows up. :)Sue

Here are some ideas I have used with my passionate 22-month old.

1. When he's screaming because he can't wait for his sliced banana, I sing the "waiting song", to the tune of "Are you sleeping/Frere Jacques"... "Toby is waiting" x 3, then I say dramatically, "And it is VEEERRY Haaaaaard!" I get fake-emotional, pause for effect, and repeat it. Eventually he stops crying after the third, "Toby is waiting" and waits for the "verrry haaard" part. I wait until he is distracted from the tantrum, then quickly give him the banana.

2. I taught my kids to sign "please" before I gave them what they were crying for. I firmly and calmly pat their hand against their chest and say "please" then give them what their crying for right away, even if they're still crying. Eventually they pat their own chests, and say please.

3. Blame the object. "Oh, this snack isn't making you happy? Okay. I'll put it back." Only when he has decided to be happy about the graham cracker that I already broke in half does he get it. If he doesn't get happy, he doesn't get a snack. "Oh no, this is the snack. Would you like it?" I don't want a cracker that makes my son sad!!

I had the sweetest first child (now 5), I thought that by my excellent parenting (LOL)I had given her calm emotions. Both my boys proved otherwise-- I have since repeated to myself often, I CANNOT CONTROL: my child's emotions!! I can only pray to help him learn to control them himself...???

But neither of my boys were quite at the level you describe. You might talk to your pediatrician, and see if there are any other resources available for you. As an early interventionist I worked with lots of kids, and saw some that were amazingly high-strung calm down with good occupational therapy. Or just take the cushions off the couch and let him jump on them awhile. Better yet, do it with him and get your frustrations out too!

If all else fails, lock yourself in the bathroom and repeat, "This too shall pass" until the walls look pink. All the best!

It depends on if the tantrums work for him if he will act like this forever. You are not alone this happens with many children.

Many things cause children to have tantrums: lack of sleep, lack of healthy nutrition, feeling of not having control-and this is a way to gain back the control. Many toddlers have problems with transitions. Like you had mentioned about getting out of the tub. The next time you bath him give him a warning that you will drain the tub, then tell him when the water is gone, he must get out. Praise him if he does well. Make concequnces if he throws a tantrum! Also, give him choices (where appropriate)so he feels in control. But, sometimes choices aren't appropriate, and this is when you say "You get what you get, so don't throw a fit". Again, if he does, give him a consequnces--like sitting away from the family for a short time.

So, you will have to figure out each time a tantrum is thrown, what is the cause, and go from there. But, he will continue to have them if it works mom--DON"T let it work!

GL:)

All of these replies are valuable. I will only add that when my daughter was about that age and would begin a tantrum, I would say, "Oh, are you going to have a tantrum?" as if I was quite interested. She would say "Yes" and I'd say, brightly, "Well, I'll just wait for you then" and begin to read a book or whatever.

It got so that when she'd say "yes" we'd both crack up. End of tantrum. There is hope!

Good luck and God bless!

Check into the program Parenting with Love and Logic. It will really help - fast!

Hey L.! I posted a question similar to yours a few weeks ago regarding my 4 yr old. You can view the responses I got and see if any of them help. Things are already changing with my son's behavior, although yours sounds a little worse than mine (sorry! LOL) Playdates helped the most for us.

I operate a daycare and have had to deal with a couple of chronicaly unhappy children over the years. Unfortunately, for me, the only thing that worked was to completely ignore the tantrum. Walk away, leave the room, go into the bathroom,shut the door and turn on the fan if you have to. Do your best not to give in to his demands The more you give in to the tantrums and give him what he wants, the longer they will continue. Be sure to give him lots of hugs and praise when he is good so that he can see the difference in you that his behavior creates. Good luck! It is not an easy time to get thru.

As insane as it sounds, and both my daughters have shown shades of this behavior and more, I just keep telling myself that eighteen year olds don't act like this! Good luck.

L.-
You are lucky your first one was so easy going. I have 2 little devils lol! My daughter was definitely the hardest, although she still has her moments she is just about 4 & becoming much more pleasant to be around. The best advice I can give you is read tons of books, that it what I have done to learn how to parent my kids. I can definitely relate to you about wanting to go back to work to get away from these guys lol. Good luck!
Brekka

I agree with Tamera. If it works for him, he will keep it up. One thing to consider. If you are emotionally and physically drained all day from his behavior, that puts you both at a disadvantage. If all he is hearing is negative, then he will think that is the only way he can get attention. Then it just becomes a huge cycle. I would really sit and think about what he does right, or pleasing to you and the family, and make a dent on him with that. Praise, Praise, Praise. Rewards, too, either tangible with his "currency" like playing with a special toy, or a small treat to eat, or hugs, kisses, etc. And do this after you catch him doing the desired behavior on his own....don't tell him, "If you do this, I will do this...." And I agree that time with you and brother is special. If he doesn't respect that, then perhaps some space is appropriate for 2 mintues or so. This strong will of his will prove to be most valuable when he is older, and can't be "pushed" into doing something he shouldn't. He may just turn out to be a wonderful leader, and so, until then choices might be helpful, where possible. That way, he can feel like he is in charge somewhat. Does he want the green or blue binkie? Some days you can decide to let him pick between two different menus, and other days, you just decide. You get the picture. I hope something here helps. Just take what seems to fit for you, and let the rest go. Good luck.
J.

Hey L.,

I think I have your son's twin! My son did that exact same thing at 22 months. I couldn't stand up or change rooms without a tantrum. The only thing that works is to walk away from the tantrum. As soon as you start making an effort to stop the tantrum, it will escalate. My son would follow me around so I could see how mad he was and I just kept saying, "when you're ready to be nice I'll give you that." Sometimes I put him in his room and say, "you can come out when you're ready to be nice." It took about a month of being consistent, but I think we have been tantrum free for 3 or 4 weeks now.

Don't call the nut house yet, it won't last forever!

M.

This WON;T end as long as you let it get to you and he knows it. It is TOUGH to let him have his tantrum and not try to "make him happy" but you really can't anyway. His happiness is up to him and is his choice. Your best response is, well, this is what we're eating now. Sorry, guess you won't be eating. Or, this is the pacifier we have; you can use it or not. And then walk away. He won't starve and he will learn. Otherwise, he is learning that the world caters to him, which it won't always do, and he is in for a really rude awakening some day in the future.

Good luck and God bless.

L. - I have read all the wonderful advice as well as many practical tools all the other moms sent. I think trying a combo of them all would be wise. I, however, really tracked with what Heather wrote. I have 4 kids and my now 9 year old sounds so muhc like your son. I went through a two year peroid of time that i thought he was either allergic to me or possessed - i'm not kidding. He was horrible and not only would he hurt himself during his tantrums, but he would hurt others and was destroying our home. We even went to the extreme where we contained him (safely and humanely)to a chair and videotaped him - all the while i was cryng. We took it with us and consulted a therapist, who proceded to tell us that it was manipulative. We never went back. I don't know about your boy - you know him hte best and i believe we as mom's are given a deep intuition about theses things. Don't exaust any avenue - it could very well be realted to allergies or it may be something else entirely. With my son i began at the local ISD and had him assesed and it came out by the occupational theripast that he had some tactile issues. Since then it has been discovered that he is severly ADHD and he has been treated and is currently taking meidcation for the past two years. We had him repeat K and he was on special services at the school. Now, he is in 3rd grade, off all special services, the top reader in his class, a wiz in math and getting the highest grades he possibly could. He is well adjusted, has lots of friends and loves sports - in all, he is a normal boy. He is not perfect and especially in the AM before his meds have taken affect, he can be difficult and still struggles with his over exagerated emotional responses, but NOTHING like he was between the ages of 2 and 4. I know this is a long response and i am not suggesting that your son is ADHD, but with all this said, sometimes bad behavior can be caused by outside factors that have nothing to do with our parenting. So many times i was made to feel that way and i became quite depressed - this is not what we as moms should do for those who are younger in this awesome, but daunting job. I want to encourage you, to keep moving forward and follow your instincts and keep searching! Best of luck to you.

M.

Sometimes when things are easy the 1st time around we "get complacent" and then are baffled when something turns out "worse" than what we expected. I truly believe that ages 2-3 is about the child trying to gain control over the things he can do. the more he can communicate the easy it gets.

he's also old enough to begin helping you make small decisions. If the Paci thing upsets him. Maybe try having a basket where you keep them, and let him choose. Be sure to preface he gets to choose one, then the basket goes back/up.

I found that with our kids, if we prepped them for what was coming up, then they did much better when it came time for a change. For Bath time, we ran down what would occur during the bath, that they'd have a few minutes to play then it would be time to get out for lotion. Then about 5 minutes b4 lotion time, I would say something like, "it's almost time to get out for lotion." And they were very willing to proceed.

In the mornings, maybe he could pick out what he's going to wear. or have a place for his shoes, and he gets to go get them. the tantrum for not putting his shoes on fast enough may actually be about the fact that he's bored and not getting to play quick enough. We sing through the process and the laces part is more of a story. "Here is an X, tuck it under for the tent, now pull it tight, on the ground we saw a bunny (loop), catch the bunny (wrap around), look there's another bunny coming out of hole (2nd loop). Done.

little trips out can be frustrating especially if your only option is to take him.

have you tried simple sign language. I'd even try to really get rid of the paci's....only because if he's sucking them, he can't practice talking. The more he talks, the less the tantrums will end up being. it may be rough the first few days, but maybe you can come up with a substitute "paci"....blanket..etc.

Is there a possibility that since your first baby was so easy, you never really faced 'behavior issues' and just need some backup? If the equation is 'wrong paci, then tantrum, then mom does anything to stop the tantrum' then it's pretty clear where the problem is. In that instance I would give the paci and then walk away...DO NOT cave and give a different one. Also, he's not too young to choose what he wants. Hold up milk and juice and let him point to the one he wants. Then if there is a tantrum, walk away again but don't offer the other drink. He will soon learn that YOU are the parent and YOU make the rules. Put your foot down, but do it confidently and once you make a decision, stick to it...trust me, he can outlast you in tantrums!
~L.

Have you tried not saying "no" to him? Instead of saying "don't do that," try "let's do this instead." Kids at this age just want to make sure that we understand they are frustrated, angry, etc. Make sure you verbalize this. I also saw that someone recommended love & logic. This is a great technique- about meaning what you say and not saying something you don't mean. So if you are in the grocery store, he has a temper tantrum and you say "we are leaving if you don't stop that" you leave- even if you have to make another trip because you didn't get anything you came for. They understand their limits that way.
Also, I was watching 'Super Nanny' last night and the son was out of control. He was older, but it turned out that he just had so much energy that wasn't being released, so he acted out because he was frustrated. Do you have your son in any type of activities? Attend some mommy & me classes, playgroups, etc. In some cities there are open gyms where kids can go and play. You may not be able to do as much "adult" stuff (or even clean the house) as you could with your older child. If you don't want to spend every hour of your day entertaining him, maybe daycare a couple days a week would be a good idea. You could get a part-time job or do something productive during that time. If finances are important maybe find a babysitting co-op. Perhaps a mom who works evenings but has days free? She could watch your son a couple days a week while you watch hers a couple nights. I hope you find something that works for you!

You are certainly not alone!

My "spirited" child was my first (5yrs) and we actually did have a second (22 months) who is relatively easy (sigh). (Funny about the same ages.) She is still quite spirited. I am reading two books right now that seem to fit the bill. The first book I knew was appropriate after just a few pages, it is called: "Taming the Spirited Child." The second book is, "1-2-3 Magic."

Learning to handle a sprited child is by no means easy. I highly recommend making sure to have "Mommy time" whenever you can. I know this can be challenging! We have always lived very far away from family. Some kids do not tantrum as much with others as with their parents (we have experienced this). I have a friend that she and I trade kids once a week. She gets a 3-4 hr break one week and the next week I do. Once a month I go out in the evening (3-4 hrs or more) with another friend and Daddy has the kids--and then give my Hubby the same opportunity if he chooses to take it. I have found that it is just not enough to have the downtime after the kids are in bed because I am exhausted at that point. I know that at least getting some quality time for myself helps me to stay a little more sain through the torturous moments.

Good luck! And, I hope the two books help us both!

My three year old stopped the tantrums in public at least when I drew attention to them. I stopped and pointed out that if she wanted to throw a really good one then she should kick more, roll her head side to side, flail her arms...etc. giving her tips as she was screaming on the floor. I even enlisted the help of some other people in the store who were wonderful to help me out...we all clapped and laughed at the preformance. It has helped out a bit at home too and the experience helped me to not be held hostage by her tantrums.
Hope this helps.
Maybe if you are not as comfortable with this you could enlist some friends family or a play group. I have found strangers staring is the most effective but I realize that others are not. As she was winding down i specifically stepped over her and told her I was going to get bread, if she wanted to join me she could, and then walked away without looking back. I then went to the next aisle and peeked around the corner to see if she would follow. She did.
Good luck

When I complained to my mom about the tantrums my son was having, she laughed at me. Even though she was also worried he might hurt himself, she thought I deserved it for all the tantrums I used to have. She said the quickest way to get a response was to spray me with a water bottle inthe face. I have used it with my son, and I am amazed. The first several times he laughed at me, but stopped the tantrum. After that he would see the bottle and shake his head no and stop. It seems mean, but nobody was getting hurt and it solved the tantrums so quick. Its worth a try at least.

L., without taking anythig away from the great advice you have already recieved I wanted to suggest a completly different thought. You said he has a nut allergy... a lot of times allergies like this come in pairs or cause additional food sensitivities- this can be expressed in hyper activity, tantrums... they may have some kind of discomfort going on that they can't express and one more little thing is the straw that breaks him... to you the shoes not going on fast enough is nothing but if his tummy is bothering him or he is having some other discomfort thats enough to be worth a cry. Not sure if that helps or not- but maybe seeing if he has any other issues going on could help alleviate some of the crazy-ness you are dealing with. good luck

Tantrums over the color of the pacifier? Tell him this is all you can find and as he tantrums, walk away. He'll either cry himself to death, settle or go find the right one. When my daughter went through this phase, though not so bad, I started to watch her. When she was crying, screaming, on the floor, whatever, she would many times be peeking out of the corner of her eye, seeing what mommy was doing. When she realized mommy was ignoring her and she was having no effect, the tantrums would wind down. Or if I got up and left the room, she'd usually stop. No one to put on a show for. My babysitter would tell her she didn't want to hear her cry and send her into the bedroom and told her not to come out until she was done. That still works to this day. I'll tell her if she's going to cry she needs to go into the other room until she's done. She either goes into her room to cry or else stops all together. The problem is giving into the tantrums. If you give him what he wants when he has a fit, he learns that. You didn't really say what your response is. Let him fit about the pacifier and when he's done ask him to help you look for the right one. Let him fit over the milk and when he's done tell him he can have juice next time. He's old enough to begin reasoning with. If you don't hold still, I can't put your shoes on any faster. I need your help. Just don't give into the tantrums. He needs to learn that it gets him no where. If he wants something or needs something, asking you in a nice way gets it a lot quicker. I wish you all the luck in the world.

I agree with jaqui i think it was - you can't give in and get rid of the paci so he can speak. If you don't use words then you don't get what you want. Also i would say don't jump to meds - he's freak'n 22 months old, give him time to come into his own. Disapline is a must and obviously check on the allergies, but most likely he's just seeing how far he has to go to get what he wants. stop it now and you'll be better later, if you let it go on too long it will be harder to change. Good suggestion were to let him make the small decisions - gotta pick your battles. Hope you have gotten all the help you need - just remember: Don't be quick to medicate! they change who you are and who you will be and kids don't need that, just some understanding and patience (easier said then done I know). You will get through it and it will get better! Wish you the best!

lol That sounds like my family. My first was soooo good, we use to joke that the next would be a poster child for birth control!! ;) Well maybe she wasnt quite that bad, but close enough. She start tantrums at 6 months, and at 3 1/2 is finally starting to let them go, though its hard to decide somedays if she should get a nap or not. If she gets one, she is up most of the night, but without one, its nuclear meltdown time. The only thing I can say to you is that it does get better. Now its only in the evenings for us that she is really bad, and most of the time its when she doesnt get sometime of daytime rest. Just keep being consistant with him and you will survive!! Good Luck!

I have a 21 month old girl and a newborn baby boy. When you wrote about the trouble your son is giving you, it sounded like you were describing my little monster. There is only one thing that seems to help keep my daughters tantrums under control, and that is play time with mommy. This is hard to give as my newborn is nursing almost constantly, but I will grab a puzzle or stack of building blocks and start playing with them. The tantrum usually stops and she runs to me and joins the play.

I'm anxious to see what other people have to say on this subject, as I too am nearing the end of my rope!

Yes I have been there! I used to say if my second had been born first he would have been last but I like the donation to science idea better. And YES it will pass. My second is now 15 and believe it or not he is my best one now. However, I feel for you. There were days when he would send me to my room crying! I would tell my husband that I just couldn't do it anymore I was so drained!!!! (Sound familar?) The best advice I can give you is to not give into every tantrum. He wants to be in control, yes even at 2 yrs old they are smart enough to figure out how to get what they want from you. Be firm dont give into doing what he wants when he wants just to avoid the tantrum. As long as he is not hurt or hurting anyone or anything let him cry it out. While he does that you just go about doing what you normally would be doing (cleaning, laundry, whatever) and he will stop crying to see where you have gone and why you are not catering to his every need. Assure him that you love him but throwing a fit is not the way to get what he wants and when he is ready to calm down you will help him with whatever he needs. Then walk away!!!It might take a few times and Yes its a little hard to listen to all that crying but you will be way better off in the long run.