At My Wits End and Don't Know Where to Start!

Updated on May 27, 2010
N.L. asks from Conway, AR
10 answers

This is making me feel very sick just writing this out but it needs to be done. I have 5 wonderful children who are my world and then my husband who I want to divorce. He is very verbally abusive to the kids (all are his) and calls them idiots all the time. It just sickens me that he is soooo disrespectful, degrading and insulting not only to HIS children but to any child for that matter! They aren't idiots they do make mistakes and can be a handful at times but thats no reason to call them out of their name! Well 2 weeks ago because my sons boyscout camping trip just as I was getting ready to drive he punched me and left a huge bruise on me that just went away 3 days ago. About the camping trip, I practically had to force him to take his son camping! He has not been devoted to boyscouts as he should and would take him "when he felt like it" My son deserves better than that! To top it off our son is Autistic so I try to get him involved as much as possible and to get him interacting with other children. Hubby on the other hand never does anything with the kids and doesn't even know how to interact with 12 yr old at all! Theres ALOT more to this situation but the more I talk about it the sicker I feel as we have dealt with this long enough and things are only getting worse. I need to leave with my children and get a divorce. We tried marriage counseling and everytime we were given "homework" he wouldn't do it or if he did it would last 1 day and then he was back to same old garbage again! I must get away from him with my children and start a new life but I have no idea where to start or what to do I just know what needs to happen and what the end result needs to be. I don't work and haven't since I was pregnant with our first daughter who is 12 yrs old. My youngest is 21 months so she the only one home with me and I refuse to work only to have that pay for childcare as that woudln't make any sense to only work to pay for someone else to take care of my child and not get anywhere monetarily if that makes sense. Anyways where do I start? what do I need to know? In a perfect world I would take them and move back to Michigan where we are from as my children and I can't stand it in this state! We hate it! HELP!

What can I do next?

  • Add yourAnswer own comment
  • Ask your own question Add Question
  • Join the Mamapedia community Mamapedia
  • as inappropriate
  • this with your friends

So What Happened?

Well I made ALOT of phonecalls and also spoke with some friends in Michigan who have went through a divorce. I need to be careful how I play these cards as far as leaving cuz if it gets to CPS even though I am not abusive to the kids they could be taken away until they figure out what is going on. NOT something I could allow to happen EVER! SO with that being said I am lining up a place for us in Michigan and Social Services down here is supposed to be working with CPS in Michigan to try to get everything set up so its a smooth easy transition. Things here have gotten better with hubby but I am sure its just temporary. My mom is very supportive in what ever decision I make whether to move to MI or stay in AR. I appreciate all the help and info you ladies have given me and all the private messages I was sent as well. I am not sure on an exact date of when all this will happen as I am waiting on 2 places to work things out for me. Either way its a step in the right direction! Thanks again!

More Answers

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

V.G.

answers from Portland on

I'm proud of you for knowing what to do. ANY man who is verbally abusive toward children and physically abusive toward you need to go, and it sounds like you know that already.
Make an appointment to talk to someone. Not sure if you have WIC (Women, Infants, Children), but they have a website:
http://www.fns.usda.gov/wic/
Go to it and get some help from them. They are GREAT for women who need financial assistance and help moving out of an abusive relationship. Tell them that you need to leave and that he's hit you and is abusive toward the children.
Please follow through on this; you are your children's only hope.
Again, so proud that you are such a strong momma who loves herself and her children!

3 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

A.N.

answers from Los Angeles on

I work in social services and depending on where you live, they have shelters that families who are abused can go to and they will help you with housing, jobs, etc. You will need to do the groundwork and see what is available in your area, but the sooner the better. A lot of people think it is degrading or they are above going to a shelter, however in my experience it has always worked out for the best. You have to find a family shelter for abused families and like I said they will help you with everything you need to start a new life for you and your children. You all deserve to get away from this horrible person and good luck!!

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

T.G.

answers from St. Louis on

GET OUT NOW!!!!
Call you family, call you friends ..(even if they are out of state)... there has to be somewhere you can go.
Money should not be a reason to stay where you are. There is always a way out, even if it is a shelter.
You need help and support to turn this situation around. If you do not have family or friends, call a hotline and get help. They can help get you situated and back on your feet.
Every day you stay where you are is not only bad for you, but this situation is going to have LIFE LONG EFFECTS on your children.
Our here all the doctors offices have a poster in the rooms that have hotline numbers to call if you are in abusive relationships. All you have to do is call the doctors office and ask for a phone number, look numbers up in the phonebook, or google it.
Please, do it today! I will pray for you and your children.

1 mom found this helpful

T.K.

answers from Dallas on

I think Christina M has given you a good road map to follow. There are agencies that will help you get on your feet. Get into school. There are so many programs for adult students. It takes a lot of leg work and paper work, but I went to school, had free rent, utilities, phone, etc I also recieved grants and had all my school paid for. Now I make more money and pay more taxes, so, I don't feel a bit bad about taking the help. You can't beat healthcare for pay and job stability. I have a friend that is making over 100k her 2nd year out of school as an RN! You can make more than your daycare bill! Go to a small community college. They have programs geared to help adult students be successful. For instance they offer help with child care and let you check your books, calculators, etc out of the library. Some have family housing available that would give you an apratment to live in while you're in school.
Here's a step I would add. My mom taught me this one. Write yourself a letter. Tell yourself all the reasons you are leaving this man. Put down the good and the bad. How he makes you feel. Your worries for how it will affect the kids. List his many faults and the ways you've tried to work it out. Keep that letter for the dark, lonely times when you are tempted to take him back. You wouldn't have married him and had 5 kids with him if he didn't have a few outstanding qualities. It's easy to gloss over the bad and emphasize the good when you get tired and overwhelmed and lonely. When he comes begging and making promises, pull that letter out and remind yourself of the sober decision you made to give your kids a better life.

Here are a few things to google
Child Care Management Service - CCMS
Section 8 Housing
HUD
Link up America for phone
LIHEAP for utility assisstance
Check with the county you decide to live in. They get block grants for housing, and utilities, child care, and education assisstance.
FAFSA for tuition assisstance

1 mom found this helpful

C.C.

answers from Little Rock on

Hi Nichole,
First you need to take a deep breath! You did the right thing and asking for help. You are ABSOLUTLY right you need to get away from him for you and your babbies. Call a Women's Shelter in Little Rock and see if they can help u in anyway and tell them what is going on. TODAY!! DON"T WAIT! Please let me no how u r and STAY SAVE!
C. C.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

P.R.

answers from San Francisco on

Another way to look at this is there must have been something that allowed you to make the decision to go ahead and have 5 children with him and rely on him for financial support of all of you. Your youngest is only 21 months. So maybe a separation while you live with family is the next best step and require he get some counseling to help determine why he acts like this.

D.M.

answers from Denver on

Pack a bag when your husband is not around - one that will get you & the kids through a few days. Put it somewhere he will not look (like the trunk of your car?).

Contact your local Safehouse - the phone # should be on-line or in the phone book but the location will NOT (for your safety). When he is not around, load up your kids and GO there!

There will be people at the safehouse who can help you figure out what to do next.

Here, the next step is usually an apartment community, I think it's called "Gateway House", that will help with childcare & education for you. I once worked with a young man who grew up in this community (yes, he & his Mom were there for years) and he only had good things to say about it.

God bless & good luck.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

N.J.

answers from Houston on

Try talking to your husband and if this does not work leave for a little while or seperate. This should give him time to get himself together. There might be something behind his behavior. Maybe this is how his father treated him or he is having personal issues. I am concerned with the fact that he uses the word "idiot" so much. Perhaps this is how he feels about himself? Surely, the man has issues, but the best thing for you to do for the moment is to seperate.
Consider this also: I thought that I could just divorce my husband and realized how completely lifechanging that decision actually is. Think about the children- are you ready for them to react badly to this decision. Also, consider your financial situation...jobs are not easy to come by anymore. Seems like you have to have a degree to get anywhere. Even public assistance would not be enough for you in your situation with 5 kids! Who will watch the baby as you work?
Try going to church. God has all of the answers to your problems. Trust in him and use that awesome thing called faith. I have and am currently happily married - still. Give all of your issues to God and He will fight this battle. He is able tp touch the heart of the untouchable...only believe.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

D.P.

answers from Pittsburgh on

Wow. I'm sorry you're in this situation. I'm all for trying to work things out, but it sounds like you've already been down that road. He sounds dangerous. Be careful getting out but I agree you and kiddos need to EXIT as soon as you can safely do so. He git you once, if you stay he will hit you again. I feel very badly for you and your kids. Protect yourself and them. Leave. God bless!

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

P.W.

answers from San Francisco on

"... take them and move back to Michigan where we are from as my children and I can't stand it in this state!"

That's my answer. Divorce the bastard. He is damaging your kids and sounds dangerous.

For Updates and Special Promotions
Follow Us

Related Questions