Need Advice About How to Tell My Husband I Want a Divorce/separation

Dear L.,

If you are scared that you are in physical danger from your husband, you should not delay in getting a protection order which will require your husband to move out. If you are not afraid of physical harm, long-term planning (stashing money, finding a new place to live, etc.) prior to telling your spouse that you want a divorce will likely inflame the situation and breed distrust. This may result in a nasty court battle where you, your spouse and your children will all be the losers. In most states, you will be co-parenting with your ex-spouse to some degree or another until your children are 18 years old. Studies have shown that the level of conflict between parents is the single most important factor on how the children of divorce parents do in life. How you start this divorce will impact negotiations regarding a parenting plan. I have sent you a private email regarding telling your husband you want a divoce in the context of mediation.

I am a divorce attorney/mediator in Washington state.

H. N.

1 mom found this helpful

From your comments, it seems you have told him that you want a separation and/or divorce. You stated, "...he won't leave and says he won't give up, doesn't want a separation..." It seems to me, if you want a separation, you'll be the one to take the first steps, don't look to him. You'll need to make the first move, because you state, "...we are still sleeping in the same bed because he won't move downstairs and I have been told not to leave the home or even the bed because it is better to have him leave first but I can't spend another night in the same bed with him at this point."

Who told you it would be better for him to leave first? Your husband? Friends? Family members?

I suggest if you're serious about a separation and a divorce that you consult an attorney and a counselor and take the best steps so that you protect yourself, your children, and your husband.

I wish you the very best.

1 mom found this helpful

I was lucky. I was in a mentally abusive relationship with my ex. One day after almost a year he tried to get physical and hit me. My friends and family especially my mom told me to run as far and as fast as I could. I couldn't run far as I was in the military but with their help I did. I now have a loving husband and 2 great kids. My advice is run! Your freinds and family will be behind you and help you all they can but what's happening to you is also happening to your kids. Please get them out of there. My dad was mentally abusive to us kids and it has taken us years to heal(my mother went to counceling and adviced us to go to). It affects everyone. I know it's hard but now is the best time for both you and your kids. I wish you the best of luck and pray for you and your kids.

1 mom found this helpful

If it is possible to just move out with the kids do it. I moved my husband out by putting his stuff in our 5th wheel trailer. It was too late though as his raging etc was more damaging than I knew to our kids. The kids are now 22 and 23 and still have trouble with the past and what it was like in our war zone of a home! If I had it to do over, I would have got out at the first sign of things going wrong as it was so bad for the kids. I didn't dream what how damaging it was on them as I was more concerned with staying alive at times but the emotional damage was huge for them. Some of it didn't show up for years too. I think you should get out now and don't look back. It would be a huge miracle from the Lord Himself if he were to change! It was hard for me as I am a strong Christian and thought if I prayed enough things would work but the answers to my prayers was divorce. As things progressed every time I prayed things got worse instead of better. I always had a $100 in my wallet in case I needed to get out fast with the kids. Don't let him cry his way out or rant his way out of it as it sounds like those methods have been working for him. Just plan how you can do it and do it. I would get as much in your name as you can and when it comes to the divorce, remember you only have one shot at it so take all you can as it won't be there later if you want it. If you have to call the police if he gets too bad or before he gets too bad do it! My thoughts are with you! S.

My question, have you discussed with him of what your family life is affecting the kids? They are only 4 & 6 but they still are feeling what is going on in the house. Have you approached him from that aspect of how it is affecting the children? I haven't read any of the responses from others to you but feel that if this is how you have been for a few years than it is affecting the children and isn't that the most important thing since you are already at the point of YOU are done. Whatever you decide to do I feel you are a strong individual to make the smart choice for yourself and children. A lot of support is there for you with whatever choices you make.

K. L

You may want to consider going to see a counselor so that you can tell him in front of an impartial third party. That way you also will have someone there to witness his reaction which may be a really valuable thing. He sounds like he can be volatile so I would suggest finding a mediator or counselor to help you through this process. They can help get the message across to him in a way that makes sense for both of you.

It also would make sense to involve a counselor or mediator so that if you need to leave for your and/or your children's safety, a third party will be able to testify for you. If you're in Washington State (I'm new to this website so I don't know how local it is...) then it is a community property state and it doesn't matter who leaves who.

Good luck.

go to counseling. go on your own if he won't go, but obviously best if you both go together. sleep in the other bed if he won't. don't think that you are going to get the house, or that everything will be easy with a divorce. it will be a difficult process, especially since he is not agreed that it is time to separate. learn about your family's finances.

L.,
This is what happened to me. We went through 2 layoffs (one drug related) and were both trying to get jobs. He lost it one night and smashed the tv remote next to my head, on the wall. At that point I felt nothing anymore. I too was forced to sleep in the same bed, in the same house.
I made a plan, told my parents and began to prepare to leave. One day he came to me and asked me why I was so cold, I told him. "I don't feel anything for you anymore, I don't even hate you." He left a few days later. He left me with the house, a car and the kids.
Make a plan, save money, even if you have to start your own account in a different bank. Get a lawyer, or at least check out the laws in your state.
My ex moved across the river to Oregon from Washington. I was unable to divorce him in Washington because he didn't live there and unable to divorce in Oregon because neither of us had lived there for 6 months. A year and a half after our seperation, and because of a really nice judge, I was finally divorced. I was however left paying a large tax bill because of the taxes owed on our house.
I am now clear of debt, living on my own with two wonderful boys.

First of all I am sorry that you have to go through this I know what its like my marriage was going downhill fast but I let my husband know that I was very serious about leaving if things didnt change. He was very hurtful he would treat me like I was less than dirt and I was tired of it. I had looked around for an apartment to move with my two girls I was starting to make arangements to move I had printed and filled out the legal seperation forms. I really ment business and he knew it. Because we have children together and we have been together for 12 years I owed it to myself my husband and my children to do whatever it takes to make our marriage and family work. I gave him a very strict three months if I didnt see some major improvement then I was going to follow through with the move and seperation. I am happy to say that it did work and we are very much in love again and we are very happy. He finally realized that it takes so much less effort to be nice and kind and helpfull then it does to be mean hurtfull and angry. Dont get me wrong we still argue and he is still pig headed about some things but its a heck of a lot better than it was. He tells me every day how much he loves me and thanks me quite often for giving him a chance and helping him be a better person.

If you are beyond that...... I would suggest you take steps to seperate yourself from him dont expect him to do it. You need to move rooms or even houses you cant just tell him to leave and expect him to go if he doesnt want to. If he wont do it take initiative and do it yourself. Men are creatures of habbit his habbit is you and your family he wont break this if he doesnt want to.

I know you probably dont want to lose your home and a contested divorce is expensive and time consuming. Just think of your happiness and the move will more than likely be temporary until things are settled with the divorce. Be strong. Big hugs and I hope things get better for you.

*Side note! You can not just change the locks on the house if you live in Washington state. you can tell him to leave but because its a community property state the house is his too. If you are fearfull of yours and your childrens safty get a restraining order have him served. the police will let him take his belongings which can be everything if he says he bought them they are his. I have seen this first hand. Make sure the children are in a safe location when this is going on. its not healthy for them to see this.

Call Womenspace! 1.800.281.2800

sounds like U might be confused a little no wounder. just leave! walk out the door with the kids and don't look back. U are not responsible for his not listning,sobbing or anger they belong to him let him deal with them. U have to be your cildrens protection it will be tough but not as tough as seeing your children gro up like your spouce and treat there spouce the same as U are being treated.

I would get all the paperwork in order and have him served.

I would file for divorce or separation and have him served. do you own your home? if so do not leave the home, any lawer will tell you that, but you dont have to sleep with him. so, you might have to move to the bassment. if you own your home get it ready to sell and put a for sale sign up and sell it. if you dont own your home and you rent. then save your money and get enough so you can move out. give your landlord 30day notice for your self and your children. if he ask about your husband tell him he is not leaving but you are. this is what i would do in your situation. good luck and I will be praying for you.

F.

You need to contact some agencies that deal with this issue- the best i know of is shepard's Door-Portland Rescue Mission - Shepherd's Door
Phone / Fax / E-Mail
Phone: ###-###-####
For Tours Call: ###-###-####
Fax: ###-###-####
E-Mail: ____@____.com
Physical Location
Portland Rescue Mission
Shepherd's Door
13207 NE Halsey
Portland, OR 97230

They help give the woman a safe place to go/be if the need to get away from an abusive mate, which your's is.

Getting help NOW is critical-this type of guy WILL never leave until the police is involved because it's a power trip- as a child from this scenario I say get help, get out and DO NOT EVER leave those babies with him- help is out there-YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!!

I think a letter would be a good start but if that dosn't work you may want to pack up and move you and your children in with a friend or a family member. It sounds like you are really uhappy. If your not happy,your kids can sence something is wrong.GOOD LUCK.
L. W

The only thing I could think of to do is get the police involved. When the kids are not home. Or have a restraining order put on him. I am not sure if that would work since you are still married, but its worth a try. Good luck!

I went through something very similar. My lawyer told me to tell my spouse that it was over, get out, or that I would have to get a court order. I softened the blow by telling him I would think about trying to work things out, but that he had to move out so I could have thinking space, or I would get a court order. One way or another, he had to go. It is a hard thing to go through...I have a hard time "hurting" someone, but it was necessary for my mental survival. He did finally move out (about 2 months after I filed for seperation/divorce), and never moved back in. Tigers don't change their stripes without Gods intervention!

L. I was in a similar situation and my spouse would not leave so i packed up and left while he was at work. PLEASE BE CAREFUL! i can't stress this enough he sounds like he may become phiscally abusive my advice to you would be to take out a restrainging order right away as well to protect you and your kids i know it sounds extreme but you need to remeber these guys dont like to loose, my ex did not like me but didn't want me to leave because then he lost control and that makes for a dangerous situation. good luck to you and your kids and remeber everything is replaceable all you really need is clothes and maybe a favorite toy.

A word of caution: if you do decide to remove yourself and your boys from this situation, DO NOT LEAVE THE STATE. You can be charged with kidnapping. I was stranded for months in the state where my marriage fell apart because of this, since my ex husband took off for parts unknown and we couldn't locate him. The law in that state said that I could not remove the boys without HIS agreement. Unfair, especially when the only people who would take me in were three states away, but with time I was able to get his agreement and escape to family. If your only harbour is in another state (if you're like me, it'd be your mom waiting for you), find out the laws in your home state so that you're not in peril of a federal charge or if he's amenable, get his agreement in writing.

This is tough and my thoughts are with you.

I had a similar situation. I chose that I need away from him more then I needed the house. So I packed up the kids and left. It was very liberating finding my own little place with the kids and we started out new, without all the memories that the house held. Due to the way my then husband was acting, he had cleared out all our accounts and canceled our cc, in hopes that it would trap me to stay. I went to the local woman shelter and they were a great resource. They let me know what my rights were and I was able to get a restraining order on him long enough to pack up my belongings and leave. I knew what I was doing was necessary but it was extremely difficult time. Make sure this is really what you want, and if it is, never look back. Be strong and firm. Try and stay focused on what really matters; The safety and happiness of your children and yourself. Talk to a lawyer about the house if you wish to fight for it. I don't believe, if you leave that you are giving up your rights to it. But check it out. Good luck.

If your marriage is that bad, you should move out and start the paperwork. I know that sounds harsh but my parents got divorced and my mom moved us out as soon as she knew it was over. We were thrilled because it was always tense at our house with Mom and Dad both there. If the kids are seeing a negative relationship, that is what you are teaching them and they are learning for their own relationships...it can be damaging. My heart goes out to you - good luck and let us know if you need anything...

there is no easy way but depending on your state a divorce can be filed and with the divorce papers is a restraining order that removes the spouse from the house

Please contact your local women's shelter or crisis line. They have trained advocates who can walk you through this process. You might also consider talking to a divorce attorney. There is potential for this to escalate and the sooner you get help, the better for you and your children.

I am so sorry. I went through this 4 years ago. Get a lawyer and a counselor. Tell your counselor and lawyer what you need, have your husband served divorse papers and move on with your life.

The advice you got about not leaving the house is correct. If you leave, then most likely he will get the house. What is best for your kids is for them to stay in their home. If it were me, I'd get your kids away for a week to somewhere he won't suspect. Maybe a friend's house that he doesn't know about. Then while he is at work, change all the locks. Call your local police and let them know what you are doing and ask them to be on standby in case you need to call them when he gets home. Write your note and tape it to the outside of the door. Leave the doors locked, and do NOT come out to talk to him. If you must talk, then do it out an upstairs window so he doesn't have access to you. If he starts to get out of control, then call the police. Keep the doors locked always whether you are home or not. Also, file your paperwork right away! Maybe even get a temporary restaining order first. He can be served at work the same day you are changing the locks.

Good luck!

You need to handle this very carefully as you will be connected to this man through your children for the rest of your life. I would also encourage you to do this very slowly, taking it apart piece by piece with a counselor. You didn't build your marriage or the problems suddenly, so ending it that way won't do any good. You need to learn from this situation and specifically why you chose to marry, stay married to and then have kids with someone who was emotionally abusive to you. He needs to learn why he is emotionally abusive and how to become whole. If after taking it apart in counseling you find you still wish to divorce, you will have a much better relationship for the kids. If you can't afford to seek counseling, there are clergy that are very skilled at marriage counseling and will do it as part of their ministry. I can recommend a church that will help you in this, even if you are not a member. They work with marriages in crisis daily.

It sounds like the more you try to push him away, the more he just sticks to you. If you need distance, instead of pushing him to move, you need to be the one to move...downstairs or to a new place. Perhaps this is why he has never changed. You want him to do something and push him to it but he just freezes. It can be a guy thing...but a personality thing too. If you've ever seen a kid given choices and they just freeze because they are afraid they'll do the wrong thing...this is the adult version. By you not moving out, he isn't taking you seriously and in a way you are enabling him to not do anything. If your moving out is hard financially, it is not going to get any easier when you get divorced. I don't mean to sound hard, but divorce is hard. It won't be easy. I'm not judging you, I just hear you saying that you want a divorce and he doesn't but you want him to leave when it is really you that should be the one leaving. See what I'm saying?

It would be best to serve him with divorce papers. It sounds like you have already talked about it and he needs to know that you are serious. The lawyer can help you with the custody and house issue as well which you should address at the same time before your husband has a chance to first. Don't tell him your making the appointment just give him the papers to sign. Ask your lawyer what to do when he doesn't sign though and what you can do to get him out of the house before things are official because that can take a really long time. A lawyers time costs a lot of money so have all your questions ready. If you mention that your afraid of how your husband may handle this, you'll have to ask to be sure, but I think you can have police present, at the very least I would have the kids out of the house and a quiet but strong witness.

Been there - emotionally abusive relationship - stayed over 30 years before making the break so I applaud your much earlier decision. We had our children later in our marriage so they were still young when I began to try to FIX the difficulties. Took about 4 years before I finally recognized he wasn't going to agree and I just needed to move forward. I worked with a divorce financial planner, still took 2 more years but I took care of me and made sure I didn't have to live in poverty while he lived in extravagance. You have suffered more than enough. My first question: Do you have financial security? Do you have a safe place to be when he is gone and a support community of trustworthy, truly supportive of you friends? Those are important and will allow you to say "Leave, now." However, consider - if he has a full time job of his own - working with a divorce financial planner to insure that YOU get a truly fair financial resolution for you and those wonderful children. What you want is that 5-10 years down the road, you are still doing okay and not that you are suffering and he is living the life of freedom and financial security while you are not.
You are a strong woman - I can tell by the way you wrote your note. May this proceed well for you and your children! // J.

First of all I am sorry to hear about your situation it is never easy and you are very brave for realizing you need out. I have not been divorced but there was a point in my marriage I should have left. my husband went on a two year achoholic binge and I stayed through it "for the kids". in all honesty if I had it to do over I would leave in a heart beat. it was harder on our children by my staying then it would have been if we had just left. My oldest daughter who is 3 1/2 almost 4 now was in uteroe when he started and for the first 1 1/2 years of her life she had to deal with the fights and yelling and drunk dad almost dropping her. It seems hard but sometimes it is better for the children for you to do what you need to be happy. you will be a better mother to them if you are happy and in a good place in your life. yes they may need thier father but there is visitations that can work out well and he will be hurt and angry at first but he too will hopefully see that he was unhappy too that is why he felt the need to control him. and if he is that controling be prepared to stand your ground when you do leave!! it is much harder on the kids to do the back and forth thing because hubby throughs a fit. it sounds like you a strong woman and I hope you see by the responses you get that you are supported by the network of mothers out there even if only online we are all with you. A.

Wow, this is a delicate subject. If he is like you say he is you haven't seen the worst yet. Plan, get and Order of Protection then change the locks (changing the locks is easy, you can do it yourself) go to Home Depot or Lowes and get new ones. have your accounts seperated bank and credit cards, make sure you are not on any of his accounts and he is not on yours. Get him off the utilities if you can. You need to do your research open up the blue pages of the telephone book. Call your local Police and see what options you will have regarding your situation. Make sure you get a child support oder in place as fast as you can, otherwise you will be screwed. Make sure to have a specific not vague parental plan in your divorce decree. If you get full custody make sure he is responsable for all transportation planning & costs as well as shaperoning if he should later decide to move so far as a plane ride away. Make sure he has to pick up and drop off at times that are good for you. Plan ahead for changes in the future. Make sure you are not restrained in any way. Be smart not impatient. Do not be affectionate to him cut off all touch. Ignore him as much as possilble and concentrate on your kids. Plan trips with your kids and other faminly and friends with out him. Stash away as much money as you possilby can put it in savings for the kids and make sure you are the only guardian on the accounts. There are lots of places that will help women in this kind of situation find them and get the help you need before you make any moves or write any letters. If he asks why you are so cold tell him you feel nothing for him that is why, not even hate. The opposite of Love is note hate, it's indifference.

Sounds very familiar to what a close friend of mine went throught about two years ago. Her husband was emotionally and verbaly abusive. She kept asking/telling him to leave and he refused. So one day she just got tired of it and when he was at work packed up the kids and moved out. It was very hard for her to get up the strength, but she did it. She is fully divorced now, which was extremly hard on everyone but I've even noticed the children seem happier. It is not good for your children to be in that situation, you have to leave.

Don't do it. Get help for both of you. Even if he won't go for it at first, you can find help for yourself so you can know how to stay in the marriage and help him help himself. Did you vow "for better or worse, till death do us part?" Look up "vow." Work it out.

Sounds like he is not aware of his abusive nature. You may want to suggest counselling first, if it doesn't work, he will have been warmed to the idea of divorce, who knows may be he will change his ways! Sounds like he is really atached to you and the kids. men don't usually cry easily.

Hi L.,

I found myself in a similar position and it is really hard. I was so afraid of his reaction that I called the police for advise...I was afraid.

When I finally confronted him, it was not pretty and it ended up with him leaving and the police had to come anyway. This is something you want to avoid at all cost especially with the children.

With todays laws, I don't think you leaving makes that much difference anymore. Most state are joint property states but I would check with a lawyer to see. They will just give you a bit of advise if you call them. If he won't go or get out the bed...you can find another place to sleep. He needs to know you are serious about this separation. If things continue the way they were, except for the arguements, then it will not send him the message that you mean business about this...

Sometimes it is not easy at all and with a controling husband it is even worse. He thinks he can bully you out of it or use emotional blackmail.

I am sorry you have found yourself in this position. I know it is not easy on you either. But you will have to take charge of the rest of your life...even if it means you are the one who leaves.

Best of luck...I am praying for you that it goes the way you want.

Hello L., Unfortunately, I have been in a similar situation. My partner refused to leave the house, even though I was paying all the bills, etc. He was verbally abusive. The one time he was physically abusive, I was able to file for a restraining order. He was forced to leave the house, and I was granted custody of our child. In my town, there is a center called Womanspace. They offer free legal advice, support, counseling, support groups, and run a womans shelter, for women with children seeking to leave abusive situations. There should be a woman's shelter in your area...look in the phone book, go online, go to your local support service agency (aka, food stamp office)... There are safe ways to do this...Please contact an agency, THEY WILL HELP YOU and support you in this transition time. Be careful, be smart, but get help today. Good luck. PS WOMENSPACE, in Eugene Oregon phone # is (800)281-2800. CAll them.

:( I'm sorry

I am wondering who told you to make him do the leaving? It's not gonna happen. He has, from what you say here, no desire to formally end it. You can't make him leave, any more than I could "make" my husband stay; we can only control our own behavior, unless we choose to be abusive, yes?

Divorce is an ugly messy process. Please for the sake of your children STRONGLY consider mediation rather than litigation. Mediation would require him to admit it's happening first, so the "get in front of a counselor" idea is a first step, but be sure you present it as, "I want us to talk about the end of our marriage in front of someone who can help us make the process smoother," because of course a counselor implies "maybe this can be worked out," but it sounds like you aren't open to that, and you need to be super clear (it is really hard to believe a spouse wants to leave).

Anyhow, the less fighting (personal and legal) you can do, the better your kids will do. (Hence, mediation instead of litigation.) Reading some divorce-parenting boosks can be eye-opening. Good Parenting Through Your Divorce is long but comprehensive.

L....wow you must be so stressed out right now. Do you have an attorney? I was a family law paralegal before I had my kids. If you don't have an attorney, get one right away. File your petition for dissolution by the end of the week! This will make it crystal clear that you are not messing around. You can go to court right away and get a temporary order which requires him to vacate the house by a certain date and which can set in place other temporary rules while the permanent rules get hammered out.

What type of support network do you have? Do you have supportive friends/family around? I understand the thinking about making him leave first but at the same time, are you really safe staying there? If you go and stay w/your parents for a couple of weeks it doesn't mean that he won't be ordered to vacate the house and let you come back. Especially when you tell him (in writing would be good) that you've asked him to leave but since he is not respecting your request you are going to stay with your parents until you can get a court order.

I could go on and on here...but please go get a good family law attorney because he/she can navigate you through this whole thing.

Good luck!

L.

P.S. I'm a 38 year old sahm to 8 and 5 year old girls. I've been married for 10 years and was a paralegal for 10 years before I gave it up to stay home w/my children.