Any Suggestions for What I Can Go to Revive the Attraction I Have to My Husband?

OK, I am very vain. You lost me at unclean, yelling, drinking, and 100lbs overweight. I stopped reading after that. I could not live with this person. Sorry.

Well your husband sure is not trying to impress you any more. He is being piggish and gross. If you stay with him, in a few years he will not have any teeth to brush, does he understand this? Blowing his nose into his hands is unbelievable. I would expect more from a 3 yo child.
Honestly, I think it is insulting that your husband would not want to be at least clean for you. The weight thing is a whole different issue in my opinion.
Let him reads this. His hygiene is completely unacceptable and no wonder you are not attracted to him.

I don't think I could concentrate on the rest of your post after "he blows his nose in his hands and wipes on his pants"! I don't think I could be attracted to someone that could care less about himself or his surroundings: boogers on his pants! If he never sees the light I'm not sure how you can get past this. I'm looking forward to your responses. I feel badly for you! Sorry, not much help............

As I read this, I wonder how you ended up together. You sound like you belong with a completely different person and you are trying to make him into what you want him to be. It doesn't sound like you need to force yourself to be more attracted to him. If he doesn't even have common decency of basic hygiene (doesn't brush his teeth, blows his nose in his hands?! Ew!), I don't think the weight gain is the issue! It's only been six months, so the changes he's made, however significant, are not permanent. Glad he was receptive, but how receptive will he be to round to of personal change?

Bottom line is that he can live as he chooses. And so can you. So why are you choosing this?

i......just cannot figure out anything that would make me desire a man with stinky breath, or who blows his nose in his hands and thinks it's okay.
i'm sorry.
:/ khairete
S.

Let's get one thing straight. Love and physical attraction aren't mutually exclusive. I LOVE my husband and I am attracted to who he is. BUT, if he gained 100 pounds, I don't think I would PHYSICALLY be attracted to his body. Who he is, yes. His now very unhealthy and large body, no. Now add to that, the fact he is a complete slob. Add to that, no motivation to even be a little bit healthy. Add to that his crappy, hurtful, abusive past (but still recent) behavior.(I'm referring to your husband there.)

We all have likes and dislikes. I am not physically attracted to fat. I'm sorry, maybe that's vain. If so, that girl over there is vain for not being attracted to long hair or bald men. If you simply aren't attracted to unhealthy men, it doesn't mean you don't love him...it means his body is something you can't relate and attract to right now. There is NOTHING wrong with that. We have biological pulls to and from certain physical attributes. It's normal, it's natural.

With all that said, I don't think you will ever find him attractive, unless you heal mentally and emotionally. For that, I suggest counseling. He needs counseling, as well. Once you guys are in a centered and healthy place, he might begin to realize that he is being sloppy, gross, and has really become unhealthy and a shell of who he once was. He might actually have motivation to live and want to be healthy again.

**100 pounds is not a FEW pounds. That's another dang human being.

Based on my interpretation of your post, being kind and lovingly isn't going to cut it with this man. I think you have to be blunt with him. You don't brush your teeth? You don't get to kiss me. You blow you nose in your hands? You don't get to touch me.

I think you husband sounds self-centered and immature- my heart goes out to you for making such an effort to save your marriage with such a conceited man. Bug said it best- you need counseling before you can begin to find this man attractive again, because you are not asking for much... simple hygiene and a little respect can go a long, long way in a marriage.

I hope you are able to get the counseling you need. Good luck and please keep us posted!

No suggestions.Now why are you staying with him?

Wow C., you are in a tough spot. I really don't have a good suggestion, because I wouldn't be attracted to a man who had gained 100 lbs., but I can understand why it is hard, if not impossible, to tell your husband that.

However, I would feel completely comfortable in loudly speaking my mind about a man who was too lazy to brush his teeth and couldn't be bothered to get a kleenex. That is absolutely disgusting, and your husband has some darn nerve to tell you that you shouldn't be bothered by his boogers and stinking breath.

And he calls you "vain" for that?? What nerve!

I'm sorry, I don't know what to tell you. A guy who refused to brush his teeth and blew his nose in his hand would thoroughly gross me out.

Good luck, it will be interesting to read the other responses.

Sorry, C., I know this is not want you're going to want to hear, but I really quit paying attention when you wrote that he refuses to quit drinking but promises to control it. He can only control it for so long. Eventually,. he will start drinking just a bit more, then a bit more after that and so on until he's right back where he was. Abstinance does not work when it comes to addiction. It will for a while, but there will come that day, and that stressor, and then everything goes out the window. Abstinance is not recovery.

IMHO,. I doubt you will ever get back to where you were with hubby. There is too much water under the bridge and sometimes, no matter how much we want something, it just can't be. The thing with words is that once they are out there, they can't be sucked back in or unheard or completely forgotten.

I would tell hubby that yes, your efforts have been for naught unless you do something about the drinking. That would be the deal breaker for me, not the physical attraction.

I was going to say, you need to have date nights, special times for the two of you to chat, uninterrupted by phones, kids, chores, etc (Dont run to put the laundry in, answer the phone etc unless emergency!) But the hygiene problem is BIG. Start with reconnecting emotionally before you bring up the weight and teeth and snot again. Can you two go to counseling? A counselor will also help to identify if he is having emotional issues, depression or? that are causing him to be like this.
Then, after you begin to feel closer to him and him to you, (weeks, months later) say what you told us, your getting ready to hit your sexual peak, and all you want is a man who cares enough to brush his teeth and use a kleenex. The weight issue is much bigger, much harder for him to deal with, but maybe if he feels less depressed....

Get counseling for yourself, and let the chips fall where they may.

Seriously, it doesn't sound like your husband has any respect for himself, so it IS understandable why he doesn't respect your feelings either. If he doesn't think you should care about his appearance, he's really disconnected from either himself or his desire to attract you.There's nothing you can do, C., to fix HIM. HE has to want that and he seems to think that by not being drunk and belligerent, that should be enough and you should be grateful.

Consider what your kids observe through all this. Sure, we all get hurt by our spouses from time to time, even those of us with very strong marriages to really great partners. The difference, from my perspective, is that when we love our partners and when they tell us "you hurt my feelings", we do try to make it up. We make a little extra effort. It may not always be in the looks department, but I think a lot of us try to soothe our spouses hurt feelings by investing a bit more in the relationship.

Your husband isn't there. It's not just a question of the weight, it's more of a "you can take me as I am, snotty palms, bad breath and all". That's not what's covered in 'unconditional love', IMO. Is he depressed? That's the only compassionate conclusion I can come to... either so depressed he doesn't care about himself any more, or so complacent and sure you don't deserve more than he's not going to budge or try to get healthier for the sake of your marriage and rekindling some intimacy.

You've got some tough choices ahead C.. Find someone who can listen, who has no investment in your staying or going, and who respects you. A good counselor will help. Great if he is up for marriage counseling, but even if he isn't, it sounds like you are needing some real support. I personally wouldn't be able to stomach what you are describing, but that's just me. I don't find that sort of behavior attractive in the least. Most women don't. You aren't being unreasonable. And your kids shouldn't have to see this boorish behavior, either.

I haven't even seen your husband and I'm thoroughly disgusted by him. His behavior is rude and gross and atrocious. He will go back to his old ways. He has no respect for himself or others.

A man who is so lazy that he can't be bothered to brush his teeth or blow his nose in a kleenex (and wash his hands), will eventually be too lazy to keep up with his promises of behavioral change while drinking.

I think the original advice you received from posters a year ago still stands - it's time to leave. You are still not happy. You have put in the effort and while he has shown some change, it is neither permanent nor enough. If he changes enough for you, I guarantee he will no longer be happy. This is not meant to be I'm afraid.

He sounds disgusting.

What does the marriage counselor/therapist say about this problem?

I have a couple thoughts based off of the different information you have given. Let me start out by saying that it can sometimes take time for those feelings to come back after you have been hurt. My husband had an affair, and even with therapy it took a year or more for me to be able to feel actual love for him again. It was a long hard road but it was well worth it based off where we are now.

But, then you start talking about his weight and you loose me. If you can not see beyond a few extra pounds then that is an issue that no amount of love will fix, and neither will a new relationship since we all get older and change. Love is about who a person is, not what they look like. Now, that said, the snot thing and the teeth brushing thing are understandable and should be mentioned (those are about basic hygiene, not vanity), but when you tell someone you don't love them because they got fat or they need to lose weight in order for you to find them attractive, it makes you sound shallow and vain and not like someone I would want to waste my time changing for.

Hi C.,
Something has caused this change in behavior -- I'm guessing he didn't act this way when you got married, or in the earlier years of your marriage. I'm not a psychologist, but he sounds like he's possibly exhibiting signs of clinical depression (lethargy, not carry about personal appearance/hygiene, anger, weight gain). The drinking may well be his attempt to self-medicate. I would talk to the therapist about this without him, and see what the therapist thinks, then go from there.

That's tough. Only thing I can say it to point it out every time he does something like blow his nose in his hands. Say "would you do that at work or at a party?" No - bc it's rude. Therefore why is it ok to be rude at home? I have this type of argument with my husband. Not sure it's really helped much but I try. Her burps a lot or will stand over the sink eating fruit really loud with slurping etc. I find it disgusting. For the bad breath, just dno't kiss him. Does your husband want sex? If he does, tell him he needs to be clean with brushed teeth or no way. Then maybe suffer through it. No way to live in a way but you have still young boys so I think it's worth staying if sex or lack of attraction is the biggest problem. If he's overall gotten better so you're not in an abusive situation or he's drinking too much, then I'd stick it out. The weight thing I do think is different too and somehow i always hear women say their husband should still love them even if they've gotten fat. So I wouldn't harp on that for a while. Maybe he'll fix these other things first. ANd likely he does need counseling. Weight gain, still a lot of drinking etc isn't reflective of someone in a great frame of mind. I know counseling isn't convenient but if it ever is, jump at it. Not much help bc it's a difficult situation. Not sure you divorce over it but not fun for you. Sorry.

You need to be able to tell each other the truth and inspire or enforce positive changes for each other. If you think that's not happening,both of you might need to seek further counseling especially to know if he has inner issues that he is secretly battling with. I wish you good luck! You are not shallow at all! I hope you keep trying to make this work as much as possible. Marriage is worth fighting for