J.F. asks from Killeen, TX on August 13, 2009
Married, but Never Was Sexually Attracted to Him
I married my best friend, a wonderful man that makes me laugh and is almost everything one could ask in a mate. I love him with all of my heart.
That said...I have never been sexually attracted to him. I had been in a relationship with intense sexually attraction that was bad. So, I figured I would be smarter this time. I married a man that would be my best friend and a great person to grow old together with and I figured with the love growing deeper the sex would become better, but this is not the case.
If anything it is the opposite. The more I love him the deeper in love with him I become, the worse the sex is.
I still have an appetite for sex, but he just doesn't turn me on and sometimes the thought of having sex is just repelling.
There is a child involved and besides that I love him and divorce is just not an option.
I would never think of telling him that he does not turn me on and nothing he could do would help this, so marriage counseling would not be an option. I just couldn't bear to insult or hurt him this way. I would rather he think I was a cold fish than hurt him. He is that great.
So, I offer a very personal issue up for you all. Any advice would be most appreciated! What should I do???
1 mom found this helpful
So What Happened?™
Now living happily ever after with passionate love making. I got my husband to read His Needs Her Needs with me every night before we go to sleep... (it is the best book on marriage I have ever read!). For the first time in 11 years of marriage, I desired to be passionate with my husband, which ended up in love making that was great!!! WOW I am amazed ... that has never happened in all our years together. I love him and I cant get enough of his body. I feel like a new woman.
Many thanks to all those that recommended books and more books to help....we will be reading them all!!!!
M.P. answers from Houston on August 14, 2009
I am so sorry that I do not have any great words of wisdom for you but hope that you will find some kind of comfort in knowing that you are absolutely not alone. I spent several years in a relationship with a man that I was VERY sexually attracted but it was most definitely NOT a healthy relationship.
A couple of years after I managed to get out of that relationship, I realized that the "perfect man" was right under my nose. I married him, we had a child, I love spending time with him, being close to him, proud to be seen in public with him (he is a very attractive man in more than just my opinion) but when it comes to that moment... I just can't... it's just not there....
Again, I am sorry I don't have the answer, but do feel better knowing that it's not just me...
K.N. answers from Austin on August 13, 2009
I hate to be harsh, but... is he physically repulsive? You say your sex is increasingly worse because why? He doesn't hit the spot? Not enough foreplay? He's not stimulating it enough before or during? It sounds like you've talked yourself into the "fact" that he is not attractive to you. Because if you tell yourself a bizillion times that he's not attractive, that he was never near your standards, that you only feel an 'noble love' for him.. then after a while, you will paint yourself into a corner and that mental block will always persist. And I don't think you can live the next 30 years in that mind frame.
Does he make you feel beautiful? Does he make you feel attractive? Because your feeling that from him should help channel your attraction back towards him.
I can assure you it is so hurtful when your spouse says your not attractive enough for sex. All of us women deal with weight gain from pregnancy. Some of us lose it, some struggle to and never do... But through it all, we still expect our husbands to find us attractive enough for sex regardless of our weight or the physical changes that our bodies go through after pregnancy.
In the early years of a relationship, yes, sex it more about physical attraction. But as the relationship grows, it should mature; it isn't necessarily about attraction nor about your satisfaction from it. You love that person, you want him to enjoy that one thing only he does with you. Sex should evolve into an expression of the love you feel for that person and a recommitment of your vows. Sure it sounds corny, but we all will change our appearance throughout our lifetime... We will all struggle as we gain weight, grow gray and old, and Lord forbid, deal with physical injuries and illnesses that may or may not heal. And we still want our marital relationship to be sexually functioning.
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J.B. answers from Houston on August 13, 2009
I have what may seem like an odd question but it may help. Did you break all ties with the guy you had this previous sexual relationship with? Even the ties in your memory and your heart? I am asking this because if any part of you still feels some attachment to him or desire for him although you absolutely love your husband, you may not be able to fully bond with him and connect sexually. Do you believe in God? If you do, you can simply pray and just say out loud, "God I break all ties with so and so and ask you to cause my heart, body, and mind to fully bond with my husband." Something so simple can work wonders, if you mean it:) If you don't know God, I strongly suggest you reach out for Him, but you can actually make a choice to completely turn you back on the past, the memories, the feelings etc. The power of choice is an amazing thing. That may really help you connect with your husband. The fact that you love your husband so much and yet have trouble connecting with him sexually says something is going on. I mean I was on the pill and had my sex drive take a total nose dive, so looking into that or getting those hormones checked is not a bad idea either. Oh, one last piece of advice, hope this doesn't sound too hard, but I think you must change your attitude. I know you are facing something tough, but it will get resolved because it has to. There is an answer, you just have to do what you are doing today and look for it. I feel that you might be trying to resign yourself to this life, but I don't think that will work, so make today the day to start believing there is a solution. Hang in there!
p.s. My husband and I read this book called "Intended for Pleasure" by Dr. Ed Wheat, whoa!!! BIG help:) If you are not too keen on the idea of counseling, check this book out it really helps with a lot of common problems. Good luck!!
5 moms found this helpful
C.B. answers from Austin on August 14, 2009
I think maybe you are looking at it wrong. He sounds sexy as hell to me! There is nothing in this world sexier than a man that adores you, worships the ground you walk on, takes care of you, etc. If he vacuums and cooks, then sister you had better get a grip before someone else sees your husband's beauty. I would not tell him either because you would hurt him and let him know just how shallow you can be...I don't mean to be harsh but what you are looking at when you think of your husband's attractiveness is not what you should be seeing. You need to go to counseling to fix that on your own. Physical attractiveness and beauty are not always bedfellows. I think once your blinders are lifted then you will have no problems. Bad sex is fixable and so is the way you look at your husband. Good luck to you...
3 moms found this helpful
H.P. answers from Houston on August 13, 2009
You owe him your honesty, if he is all that you say he is to you. Your marriage isn't built even a little on sex, so you should at least have the trust and honesty. Don't think that he won't know that something's off just because you go through the motions. He has a right to be a real partner in this marriage and not just a tool. Maybe he feels the same way about you and would stay with you even without the sexual attraction. Maybe not. He has a right to choose the terms of his marriage; it's not your call. You say that divorce is not an option. If he knew what was in your heart, would he say the same? You seem to have taken it upon yourself to call a lot of shots that shouldn't be up to you alone. You say that you couldn't bear to insult or hurt him, but you are doing just that in your selfishness.
If you are resigned to this as a permanent conclusion and you do not plan to give him satisfying sex, then you should figure out some other options for your marriage. On the off chance that he is willing to stay with you in this, maybe you two could be open to an alternative kind of marriage that might allow sexual needs to be met elsewhere. It might even help to create some sexual attraction between you and you can build on that, if you're interested.
The bottom line is that you don't have the right to unilaterally make all these decisions for someone else's life. If you need help being honest with him, seek counseling for that.
2 moms found this helpful
B.E. answers from Seattle on August 13, 2009
i wish this were advice but it is more like sympathy. i have the same prob with one acception....my drive is gone. otherwise it is exact. i had to respond because it hit me pretty hard. as i read it felt like i wrote it ya know. i feel for you and for all the people who answer to you i hope will send on the good advice. good luck sweetie!
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K.C. answers from San Antonio on August 14, 2009
I think you are being totally unfair to your husband. Honestly, how dare you compare a faithful husband and provider--your best friend--to a past, bad relationship? Doesn't your husband deserve the best from you? Apparently, he is giving you the best.
That said, being sexually satisfied should not be confused with sexual attractiveness. If your problem is that you are not satisfied, then do what other wives do: communicate what you need and want to your husband! Give this man a chance! As I read and re-read your request, all I saw was "I, I, I..." What about him? At what point in your marriage did you decide to put your fantasy before your husband's reality?
I think you are looking at your husband unfairly. And, honestly, I don't think he will ever be happy with your "love offerings" if he knew how you thought of him physically.
"Charity seeketh not her own..." Why don't you try seeking to please him and maybe you will see that what you thought was exciting can't hold a candle to true love.
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M.B. answers from Beaumont on August 14, 2009
You need individual counseling. Sex is with your brain and not completely your body and your brain is talking you out of it.
If all of the good things about this man do not make you want to love him then you need to get help to work that out.
He deserves better and there is some reason that you are only attracted to people that are bad for you.
When you have children sexual attraction usually drops anyway and there are times you just have to learn how to relax and get in the mood. Take a long soaking bath with candles etc to get all the mommy stuff from the day off and be a wife instead.
I would not tell him ever that you are not attracted to him. There are times you can say I am having trouble getting in the mood because of everything on mymind and I need help relaxing. Can you do the dishes or put the kids to bed while I go get in the mood.
Men need to be respected and to be shown in a physical way that they are loved.
The passion of beginning relationships always fades so if you destroy your family to go after that it will be a continual process. JUst look at the people around you that are doing that.
Work on whatever is in your brain that is keeping you from appreciating what you have and that alot of women would give anything for.
I had a friend who spent her entire life not being happy with her amazing husband and it was such a sad thing. She could not see the gift that was right in front of her.
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R.L. answers from Houston on August 14, 2009
Why do you say that there is nothing he could do to change this?
Since you mentioned a previous bad relationship is it possible you have unresolved feelings or issues that are preventing you from feeling attracted to him? Maybe you don't feel like you deserve him, but you do. I be if you look deep inside yourself you will be able to work through the issues that are causing the trouble.
Because you love him and he's your best friend you owe it to him to A. try everything possible to find a solution and B be honest with him (in a gentle and loving way, leave out the part about being repelled by the idea of sex with him.)
So I would strongly urge you to seek individual counseling with a licensed therapist who has experience with sexual issues and relationship issues. After some time maybe you can include your husband in the sessions too, but maybe you won't need to.
I'm sure you can work this out, and good for you for sticking it out! All relationships have bumps in the road, once your past it your relationship will be stronger than ever.
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