Are You Attracted to Your Husband?

Bellamomma - Nope, I am not super attracted to my husband either. I have dated a lot of men before I married my husband, and some of them were super hot!! HOWEVER, they would have been bad father's, one of them actually gave up his rights to my son. They were not that considerate, didn't care too much about my feelings, and a couple were abusive. BUT THEY WERE CUTE!! So what?
I am attracted to my husband BECAUSE he is a good dad, because he is a good husband, because he works SO very hard to support our family, because he is funny, because we have the same family values.
Nope, I don't get the butterflies, which sometimes makes me very sad. But, there are other times that I DO get those butterflies (especially when he does the dishes! LOL) I didn't choose my hubby because he looked like a model, I chose him because he will be a good life partner. Besides when we are 80 both of us will be saggy, wrinkly, and tired.
I don't feel like I have settled. I completely understand what you are saying about the attraction and sex...but then I think to myself...I'm no Christy Brinkley (or some other model)...and I love him. Once it all gets going things are just fine! :)
Have faith!
L.

7 moms found this helpful

My sister in law asked me the same question when she started dating the man who is now her fiance. I think that, very generally speaking, there are guys who excite us--and they excite us because they are unpredictable--and guys who are less exciting and predictable. I asked my sister in law this: would you rather be MARRIED to someone who was going to sweep you off your feet and surprise you and be wildly romantic...or would you rather be married to someone you know is going to show up for his job and get up with the kids at night? While I very much miss the first, I think my husband and I are working on learning that part...and I'm not sure I could "tame" a wild boy and still like him. I KNOW I can get my husband to be more spontaneous and still love him. :) That said, no, I don't find him phenomenally attractive. He wants me to, and it hurts me terribly to just not feel that way (and, obviously, I'm sure it hurts him). On the other hand, when my mind starts to wander (as it does...my body never does), I simply remind myself that this IS the man I want to be with when I'm 90, and that screwing it up now is not going to lead to a 50 year marriage. Also, my husband knows me like no other. He likes me even when I feel like I'm being bitchy to everyone in the world. He seems to think I have the purest of motivations in everything I do, and he can read me like a book. I can't ever lie to him, because he knows me too well, and I love that about our relationship. And THAT is what gets me in bed with him. (Sometimes a good romance helps, too, but it ends up being my husband I'm in bed with, not some fictional character.) I too feel like I missed out sometimes...or, sometimes, a lot of the time. But, reminding myself that I can create that fun if I want goes a long way. Think about what you want from those wildly attractive men; can you get that from your husband, by telling him what you want and encouraging that side of him? Good luck!

6 moms found this helpful

Good job reaching out. :)
You've received a lot of good responses. I especially liked what Laura U and Peg M had to say.

I remember "feeling the heat" in a relationship- I got burned many times! I remember I once asked my mom why she married my dad (they're going to celebrate their 40th anniversary this year). She said that she knew when they were dating that he would be a good provider and that she could trust him implicitly. She told me she'd known passion in a previous relationship and had her heart broken. When she told me that, I was sad for her because she chose stability over passion. But after extensively researching passion on my own, I've finally come to appreciate the wisdom in my mom's choice.

I am married to wonderful man who is very considerate, very supportive, and a wonderful dad to my daughter (from a previous relationship). He is reliable, responsible and trustworthy. He has stuck with me, moving to two different areas where he wouldn't have chosen to live, in order to support me in my education and career. I love him for all of these things. Sure, sometimes I feel like I'm "missing out" in certain respects, but I try to remember that "nobody's perfect",and "the grass always SEEMS greener", and also that I made a choice and a commitment. Then I think about my daughter (she calls my husband "daddy"), and I think about how important it is for her to see her parents in a stable, loving relationship. After I think about these things, I choose again to love my husband.

And the sex? Am I excited about the idea? Usually no, but I find that when we have more sex, we both seem to feel more content with each other. I am less likely to get impatient with him, and I am more likely to recognize and appreciate the love he has for me in the little things he does. And even if the idea isn't exactly exciting, like another mom said, "once it all gets going things are just fine! :)" I hope this is the case for you as well. One thing that may help is if you try to talk to your husband about what you need from him. Also, you can explore ways to find pleasure on your own, and experiment with these things when you're with him.

Best of luck to you, you can private message me if you'd like :)

4 moms found this helpful

honestly i can't really help you, but wanted to share. my problem is the opposite. i am attracted to my husband like crazy, he makes me laugh and i love him to death. we have been together 8 years and (so far!) the "sizzle" is still there. but he is NOT a good provider at all, and i often think, "well...i married for love, not money, after all!". i think it's interesting how life works out. am i happier than you? i doubt it. we live in a two bedroom apartment in a questionable neighborhood and my husband has been telling me for a year and a half that he's going to get a better job...but we're happy in our way i suppose. i know that doesn't really help, but just wanted to offer a different perspective.

3 moms found this helpful

The grass isn't always greener on the other side... it's just a different shade.

I was instantly attracted to my husband. He was VERY attractive. No one argued that. He's 30 years old and he's still very attractive if not more so. He has little teenage girls giggling and whispering about him. Older girls making eyes at him and passes at him. He never looks at them twice or even acts like he notices anymore. All my friends tell me how attractive he is and how lucky I am to have him. They envy the heck out of me. It's sad but true.

He does still make my heart skip a beat when he's around. I love having sex with him. Always have...I don't have to imagine that I have Brad Pitt on me or anything.

BUT I can't say he's always been a good man. I can't say he's always had the best character. You see well when you are attractive you don't have to do as much in life. You don't have to develop a beautiful character because people don't make you. You realize that any woman will take you so you don't have to do as much for your wife. You, the wife, also realize he could go find a girl any day so you bend to his whim more than you would have to if you had an average or unattractive man.

When we first met he was a tyrant I'd say. I dressed the way he wanted me to dress, had the friends he wanted me to have, we did what he wanted to do. I was happy to do it. I had the boy everyone else wanted. Stupid eh!

Now we've been married for 11 years and I can look back on life and say we've had alot of bad years. Alot of fights... alot of discourse in our life. We have 3 children together and I can say he's an amazing father. But he hasn't always been a good husband. Sure he meets my basic needs, he works and provides but not always emotionally. I’m not saying I don’t love him I’m just saying he has his flaws just like you think your husband does. They are just different flaws. Things aren’t bad anymore in our lives but that is because after 11 years we have learned how to deal with one another and we do love one another.

My husband is pry below average on the nice, considerate, having the same values, and sense of humor realm. BUT he's beautiful and makes my heart pitter patter and sex is amazing. Would I exchange him... after 11 years heck no... But looking back at 1 year well maybe? I mean I love my children that he gave me and I love him but sometimes I can tell that his character didn't develop like some of my "unattractive" male friends did. I shouldn’t have put up with what I did… and I should have found my voice sooner and if he had left so be it. I should have valued me more. And maybe you should value your husband more.

So the grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It's just a different shade of green. They both have dead patches. We just should learn to be happy with our own yard. I know that is the hard part.

3 moms found this helpful

Let's turn this around and pretend that your husband asked this question. I love my wife she is the nicest, most considerate person I've ever met, and we seemed to have all the same values, sense of humor etc. She is a wonderful wife and wonderful mother, and there is not one thing she could do to be a better person. But I'm not sure I'm attracted to her. She doesn't make my heart pitter patter when she walks in a room. She's pretty but not hot. Should I settle down and for the long road and give up and notion of attraction?

Most women, myself included, feel they are average looking. If all our husbands judged us by how we looked on the outside versus what makes us in the inside I think most of us wouldn't measure up. Let me put it bluntly for you, your spouse isn't going to look more attractive as they age but you decided what important to you what makes them attractive. I love the story of the woman whose fiance was burned badly while serving our country. He came home not thinking he still would have a fiance. This is one woman who knows what it means to find the attraction to your spouse in the characteristics that make the person versus how attractive they may appear to the world.

2 moms found this helpful

I'm having the same problem. I actually talked to my doctor about it today. I love my husband dearly but really feel like being left alone. My doctor said that it is more likely due to hormone changes with pregnancies, etc. We have an 8yr old and 3 two year olds. (yes triplets) She also said that it's because I'm so busy taking care of everyone that when he wants to be taken care of it is more like another duty. My hubby is also the kind of guy who likes to have his needs met when he wants them met, no matter what is going on or how I am feeling at the time so again feels like another chore. What I would like to do is start having a "date night" where someone else is taking care of the kids so we can just spend quality (non-sexual) time together to feel the love again and to get to know each other all over again. It's just really hard to find someone who wants to take care of 3 2yr olds. lol I do hope that you will find peace in your marriage.

2 moms found this helpful

After 35 years of marriage I still get that pitter patter or my heart skips a beat (at first I thought it was heartburn, or something more serious), but then realized that when he does the nice things like clean the house or have dinner cooked when I get home from work and he has been home all day, or goes out of his way to make my special days extra special then I do understand that I am really attracted to him. Be thankful that you have such a wonderful partner and that he cares about you. After 3 boys and 10 grandboys, he still finds me attracted even though I don't look like I did when we first got married, and maybe that too is why I am attracted to him. I pray that he keeps looking at me through those rose colored glasses. When you go through that empty nest syndrome trust me you are going to want that guy to be the same wonderful person he was when the kids were growing up. Yes you are going to get really pissed off at Mr. Wonderful some days that is when you remember the good days when he held the baby when they were sick and you could get some sleep to take the next couple of hours. Hang in there dear your feelings are really normal and don't let anybody tell you that they aren't

2 moms found this helpful

Just wanted to say that this post/answers really helped me a lot. Lately, I've been looking backwards instead of forwards...thinking about old relationships and also about old times with friends because I have felt like I'm missing something from my life. These things being passion, for sure, and also purpose, since I'm a stay at home mom. When my husband and I met, we were both a little drawn back from each other because we both are good looking people, and I'll tell you what, I was the head bartender at a huge club and had learned that guys who are really good looking and friendly are usually total players. I never dated anyone who hit on me in the club, even if they were good looking, just for that reason. Now for him, he saw a hot bartender who got hit on constantly every night, so he was completely not looking to get serious with me because he assumed I was a player also. So one night, he just asked me if I wanted to go to a party with him, no date, just hanging out at a party together. Well, we ended up hanging out a lot after that, and once we got to know each other, we really fell in love. Now we've been married for 7 years, have two kids, and are both still at the weights we were at when we met, so we haven't changed physically. BUT, I know he's said to me before "for being two attractive people, we should WANT to have sex more". If it were up to him, we'd have sex every couple of days. I'm good with once a week. As a matter of fact, I'm not a fan of sex, except for how another mom said that when she and her husband are having regular sex, they tend to not annoy each other as much and feel more content with each other. Sometimes I look at my husband and think "I completely thought he was just the hottest guy ever when we met, why don't I have that lust for him anymore?" And it makes me sad too. I thought maybe I was missing something also, but after reading the other responses, I feel so much better because I realize that the moms are soooo right. Those guys that create those butterflies in your stomach do so because they fit a certain profile in your mind. Once that profile becomes "good father, good provider" where's the "oh, that's so hot" factor? When I first met my husband, I thought it was so hot that every girl seriously followed him around, and that he was SO hot. I think I need to remember though just how lucky I am that I found a guy that I have two gorgeous kids with, and that the passion just has taken on a deeper more intimate level of passion. It doesn't have to make you feel totally hot, it just has to remind you of how great your marriage is, the important parts of it.

So thank you for asking this! And thanks for all the great answers!!

2 moms found this helpful

Thank you, BellaMomma, for being brave enough to share. You're timing couldn't be better as I am also struggling with attraction. It's been a long past two years with a high risk pregnancy involving 3 months of bedrest, now twin toddlers, one year of my husband's unemployment and my working full time in a very stressful job. I feel stressed to the max. I don't find my husband attractive, or myself for that matter. I know I like him better when we are having sex on a regular basis. But neither one of seems to make an effort, which that alone is hurtful. If I don't completely drive him away during this time, I have to believe things will get better. We had a great beginning and we share all the same values. He is kind, stable, honest, an excellent father and a better person than I'll ever be. I am so lucky to have him. I was listening to a discussion on the radio the other day where they described love as a verb, not a noun. It caused me to pause because I hadn't really thought about it that way. We tend to think we love someone or don't love someone. While it's an action item, once it's attained we treat it like a noun. Like once it's happened it's a given. Not true. It is always an action. It's a choice and it's something that needs to be worked at everyday. It needs to be nutured in order to grow. While I might lust sometimes for lovers past, I know this lover is the one who knows me, takes care of me and is always there. Thanks for reminding me of how lucky I am.

2 moms found this helpful

That's a very interesting question:) I have a little bit of a different take on it. Having been through a nasty divorce with my first husband, who was the charming and flirtatious kind because most women found him to be, I changed my outlook on what I wanted in a man. Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, so the saying goes. I guess I always have Judge Judy's saying in the back of my head: "beauty fades, dumb is forever." I met my second husband on match.com. My lovable husband is a true computer geek and has very little social skills and not a likable guy to most--and I wouldn't have him any other way! I set my standards to a higher ground when I chose to marry my second hubby. I would NEVER marry a man who most women find physicallly stunning or too social...period. I'm fairly attractive (so I'm told), but I'd rather be smart than pretty. My husband is attractive to me because he is everything I want--a great love, a loyal friend, a true companion, and an attentive daddy. He works hard and provides us with a wonderful life of stability and honesty...now, I think that's very attractive:)

2 moms found this helpful

My husband isn't Mr GQ either, he is not the flash and flare kinda guy - in fact sometimes I call him boring, but you know what, I am committed to him and love him dearly. He is the best father and husband to my children and with so many divorces and heartbreaks going around, it makes you appreciate the stability. Attraction is something you can actually work on...dress him up, excite him, and play alot - quite likely you may have to push him out of his norm a little to get the fire going. Hang in there, it's the married itch, it will pass. It means you have gotten REALLY used to him and comfortable. If you really want to be attracted again, maybe stay away from him for a couple days then come back, he just might remind you again why you are with him

2 moms found this helpful

So glad you posted this. It's comforting to know we're all in the same boat, isnt' it? Passion fades. . . period. Marriage is work. And nothing kills sex drive like stress and kids (which are really the same thing, aren't they?). I'm in the same position you are. I have faith and hope it will get better someday (with respect to attraction). I try not to dwell on the bad feelings, the "why the heck did I marry this guy?" feelings, and remember nobody is perfect and the grass is not greener on the other side of the fence. My husband and I try to go out alone as much as possible (which is not often) to reconnect on an "intellectual" level which makes me more likely to want to reconnect on a physical level. It will get better!

2 moms found this helpful

I do not think this is abnormal. But I do think we have been conditioned to expect more passion in relationships than really exists most times. I know for me, I have to be very careful what I read/watch, so I am not filling my mind with the perfect kind of ideal romance portrayed in books/movies. Also, there are things you can do to help you see your husband in a more romantic light. Have conversations about things you both would enjoy in your physical relationship to spice things up. Have conscious date nights and spend the day of those date nights thinking about the date throughout the day in the midst of work and diapers and whatever else you are doing. Love is a verb, and you have to work at it. I'd take everything else over a "hot" husband any day, because the physical stuff can be changed easier than the other stuff. I highly recommend the book "The Five Love Languages," by Gary Chapman, which helps you learn what makes you feel the most loved and what makes your hubby feel the most loved. If you both read it and talk about it, things will improve. I'm sure there are things your husband could do to be more attractive to you, and vice versa, but it's a whole lot easier when you can tell each other what you would like. After almost 17 years of marriage to the same husband, I can tell you that we've had our dry times, and have had to work on things, but we have come a long way. It just takes commitment and work. When you said "I do" you committed. So now you have to get to work! :)

2 moms found this helpful

Hi BellaMomma - you have gotten great advice. in particular, the rienfrocement that you do have a wonderful husband and that is a real blessing. he sounds like a great dad - and he will always be your childrens father...so that is very good for you and your family. good pickins! before you get too sad about it, let me remind you - you are pregnant! the hormones are probably playing a real role in this.. although you mention it has not entirely ever been there - so this does warrant a good amount of consieration and thinking through; it might help to write a journal for a while and see over time if you can pick up on things that particularily drive that loss of attraction.. it will be important for you to find peace with this so that you dont question it forever.. ugh.

ii similarily started feeling this way about 4 or 5 years ago for my husband (we had been together almost 9 years at that time). he was a good partner and he was cute in his own way; Now I am only somtimes still physically attracted to him - we are in the 13th year of our relationship, but most of the time i am repelled by his persona! he is handsome and physically fit, my eyes like him but my mind tells me that its his personality that drives me nuts! this is a real problem - at least you do not have this problem! it is not easy trying to resolve the root of the problem for us... you want to find a way of understanding to accept or to change this feeling you have for the sake of your marraige so that you dont get to this point in another 5 years!

i think there can be many reasons that we can lose this feeling of attraction for our partners; for you it seems like this is an innocent feeling, a normal experience. if you havent tried some of the tips yet, like going out for a 'date' or doing something new in the bedroom - you could try to put extra effort in and see how that works before you get pulled too far away. we women are so driven sexually by our emotional and psychological feelings - i think that you can find your way back to feeling attracted to him if you can get those feeling back on track. it would probablyhelp alot if you could get a way for a weekend or a few days to really be apart for a while to see how you feel when you come home. dont be afraid to seek a female counselor - it can really help to have a professional perspective and tips too. good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

Hey, please don't give up!! Happy, stable marriages & families are so hard to come by these days, and our children need good, strong mothers & fathers.
One thing that helps me when I'm having a moment of "did I make the right choice?".....I remember just that....it was MY CHOICE to marry him. So that makes me think about the reasons I married him. Obviously something made you want to commit to him. Make a list of the things you love most about him, the things that made you decide to marry him. Read them often, think about them often.
Marriage takes work. It takes a lot of work to stay committed and to be self-less enough to stay focused on your husband and children.
Can you take a vacation together to reconnect? He sounds like a wonderful person, and I think that if you were to really, truly picture your life without him, you would see that you ARE passionate about him.
Also, if you haven't already, read "The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura. She has some wonderful advice that has really changed the way I look at my own marriage.
Good luck! I hope you can work it all out!!!!!

1 mom found this helpful

Physical attraction is important - it is human nature... but it is only one aspect of a relationship. A solid marriage is not built on attraction alone - but all of the things that you listed your husband to be - same values, wonderful husband, good father, sense of humor... I think all relationships go through ups and downs - especially during the child bearing years - hormonal changes, post-partum blues etc. - but I do believe that you can put a spark in any relationship. Remember that while some fires burn hot and bright for a short time - a good fire that sustains itself has a slow burn and makes coals that can fuel the flames for a long time...a marriage that has hot coals to sustain it - will have periods where logs need to be added to bring the flame back up... dates, time away, intimate couple time. I don't know your religious beliefs - but I do believe that God answers our prayers. I had a dear friend who struggled with this same issue in her marriage - and she was faithful in prayer and read a lot of books - was open with people who could help her - and her marriage has radically changed in the attraction and desire area. Her situation was nearly identical to yours...

I love my husband and I am very attracted to him - are there times I am not? Of course! Those times remind me that marriage is not to be taken for granted... it takes constant tending!

What you are experiencing is normal - and honest.

1 mom found this helpful

It's kind of a crazy unfair toss up. I was crazy about my now ex boyfriend. I had never felt passion like that in my life. My days seemed brighter, even the rainy days were awesome. In the beginning we couldn't get enough of each other. When he walked in the room something in my chest sparked. Hard to explain. We were together 5 years. Along with all that passion came a lot of heartache though. I won't bore you with the details but after about 2 years he started to not treat me so hot. By then I was so in love with him that I put up with a lot more than I should have. My heart still fluttered when he came in the room and when he'd call I would just sigh with relief. But when he'd hang up Lord only knows who was calling to go see.

When I met my husband I was recovering from what I went through with my ex. My husband was nice, funny, kinda cute, and had an outgoing personality, loved being around me. He was more into me than I was into him. It was nice to have that change for once. He didn't disappear for days on end. However, I never felt that same attraction to him that I did my ex. Physically he's different than what I thought I would end up with. He's in good shape just things are different. We have two children who adore their dad. Though, sometimes I feel like I am missing out when I see a hot guy but then think - what issues does he have. I would love that crazy passionate fire inside me that i never really felt with my husband. He was drama free which is why I married him.

Wouldn't it be great to live in a world where it was ok for women to have two husbands lol (but they couldn't have two wives ; ) One to be the responsible provider type and the other for all that hot passionate romance and other things lol. Just kidding! lol.

1 mom found this helpful

I have felt the same way about all that you have said. Everytime I think about how he isn't the hottest guy I have every seen or dated, I redirect my thoughts to the nice things that he does and how much he loves me. I am a firm believer that love develops and grows the more we are vulnerable and the more we serve each other. Its not great all the time, but I would rather have a guy that is kind and loving and a good dad and maybe not super hot than have one that is hot and not very kind or loving or bad with our kids.

1 mom found this helpful

I will be married 20yrs, and my husband and I dated for almost 9, so we have been together for almost 30yrs. YIKES!. Anyway, yes you lose that honeymoon style attraction after awhile and settle into a toned down attraction. We have talked about it many times how we do not have that romance.

We have started to take a couples only vacation every year. I can tell you it brings us closer, and it is such a boost to the relationship. I also enjoy just the kiss goodbye/hello, holding hands when we go out. etc. The little things really bring back the spark.

1 mom found this helpful

Wow. Your post sounds way too familiar to me! I could have written that myself! I do have an AMAZING husband, that I am not attracted to physically at all! That makes is very frustrating when it comes to intimacy. I wish I knew what I could do about that part. I know that I can't completely ignore that forever, but I also know that I would not trade who I have for the hottest guy in the world! I have seen too many other "hot" husbands and the terrible way they treat their wives! I guess I'm not really helping you, but now you know you're not the only one! I was starting to think maybe I was the only one!

1 mom found this helpful

Before I met my husband, I'd had other lovers with whom I had more chemical attraction, yes. Do I have that same overwhelming-I-might-do-something-stupid attraction with my DH? No. Do we have great sex? Yes, because we are compatible in so many ways. But, does it make me "lose myself" in it? No. For me, though I once in a while miss being being able to hungrily make out with someone for hours without thinking about it, the trade-off is absolutely worth it. Because I have had that kind of animal attraction with someone, but not been able to sustain a committed relationship - there wasn't enough of the other aspects there for us to bloom and grow that way together.

1 mom found this helpful

I think most married people have felt the same thing at one time or another through out their married life. I know I felt the same thing you are feeling for a lot of years and didn't try to change my feelings for my husband nor did I try to find out what was wrong or why I felt that way and then one day I just up and left our 25 years of marriage and now regret it................

I found out recently I had vitamin deficiency which caused my body to be out of whack and since then taking the correct vitamins and minerals and feel much better, reading a self-book and realized it was not him it was me and the way I felt when I grew up. Please don’t give up on your marriage and do some checking into your self first..

You're reading my mind, I feel the same way about my husband. It ebbs and flows like everything else, I guess.

It is comforting to know that we are not alone. I have a wonderfully sweet hubby, but since our marriage, he has gained over 100lbs, and his entire lifestyle has changed. It is very hard, to feel like I fell for one man, and am married to someone completely different. I recommend a you both read a book called his needs, her needs, and take into perspective that his needs can be hers, ("he" needs an attractive spouse) and vice versa. It sounds like you have a great husband, but need to work on attraction. Can you get a membership to a gym and go together? What do you find attractive in other guys? Can you buy him a new cologne (a smell can do wonders for attraction) Doing things you enjoy together can increase attraction too, because everyone wants to be around someone they have fun with, face it, if you dread spending time with someone, the friendship will fade. good luck, and don't give up

A wonderful question. I think we all question our life choices. What if? Would I have been happier if...? If I'm questioning my relationship now, how can we make it another 5, 10, 25 years????

I think it's normal to go through these doubts. I married a man that I was extremely attracted to. In fact, I knew after 2 weeks he would one day be my husband. We've been together almost 12 years now, married for 6. And...attraction zilch. The passion has died on my part and it has pretty much been dead for years now. That just goes to show you that on the most part, the lust/ can't get enough / butterfly in your belly feeling does go away eventually. I know he is very handsome but I am just no longer interested in sex, although he is still as driven by me as he was when we first met. Am I happy about it? Sometimes I wish he wasn't interested either. I guess it is a good thing though. I do feel bad that I feel I just go through the motions and the faster it's over, usually the better.

I am happy though that I had this incredible falling in love time. Maybe I would feel sad if I had never experienced such a thing. It does sound like your husband is wonderful, and I would definitely think twice before letting him go.

Marriage is work. And I am working through my own feelings too. Sometimes we don't feel compatible. We like such different things...

Anyway, there is ALWAYS going to be something wrong. Even if there isn't we seem to create it. We like to struggle, to evolve, to FEEL SOMETHING.

I hope this, as with the other 40 replies, you've found some serenity.

Updated

Updated

Have you ever had feelings like that with any partner? Not saying you had to have sex with them, but the fluttery heart, the increased heart rate, the strong/burning desire to...be more intimate? I suggest you visit with your OB/GYN and have a frank discussion with them. Many things can effect a womans desire for sex. It could be something as simple as a hormone being off balance.

Then again there's just the lack of desire for that particular person. It is sad that these issues can make or break a good marriage. I encourage you to seek medical advice, and maybe some counseling to see if there are underlying issues that are effecting your outllook.

Hi - Having been married multiple times myself, I can assure you that what you are feeling is perfectly normal...The only reason I left my previous husbands was because they were very abusive - I am now married to a smart, funny, considerate man for 7 years, and I have had some of those same old feeling again, but realize that the " infatuation" I felt when we first got together never lasts with ANY partner. You should take some time to think about what is important in the long haul (loyalty, honesty, etc) and if your husband gives you these things, then do all you can to stay with him. Good men are hard to find, so hang on to your gold mine! As for the "attraction" issue, talk to him about it and maybe the two of you can do something to spice things up a bit...H. this helps :=)

I think everyone goes through "waning" attraction at times, especially after having kids. After all, attraction can be fleeting (whether or not you were really attracted in the first place), but love is forever, as long as you cultivate it, which is hard to do with kiddos around. I know that where you let your mind go, thus will go the rest of your head and heart. If you focus on what you think you're missing out on, more thoughts will follow in that direction. I know one thing I have done is really focused my thoughts more on fantasizing about my husband. I started reading some light romance novels, and picture my hubby in my mind as I read. Do things that create attractive feelings for you, then picture your hubby in the middle of it--i.e., if you have a song that creates attractive feelings for you, listen to it and picture yourself dancing with your husband to the music, etc.

I was just reading some of the answers to your question . I guess my answer is I still feel my heart flutter when my husband walks in the room . I get excited when he takes my hand . I have always been attracted to my husband and have always enjoyed having sex with my husband . We have been together 20 years and married 16 . I have looked back on past relationships and would never change my life for a past relationship . My husband is a very good looking man and a good husband and father . I guess what I am saying what works for some one might not work for some one eles . I think you need to sit down and think does he make me happy and do you love him . There is too many people who walk away from their marriage because they think there is some thing better .

Sometimes what the heart needs and what the heart wants are two different things... I also do not find my hubby interesting many times... I feel your pain! I guess my advise would be to do some really deep soul-searching- and decide if you are sacrififing yourself to be in a relationship that is based only on common values and not any physical /emotional attraction. I think woman wait for some prince charming- and guess what? He doe'snt exixt!!!! If your hubby loves you, and the kids and spends family time with you- then maybe that is as good as it it gets! But if you really can't stand him then you should get out!! But understand- that biology is what it is- and there could be and underlying reason for your problems-maybe a chemical disorder- or maybe it's just as simple as you weren't ready to get married yet. I know that does'nt help much now that its done- you guys should go to see a Female marriage councellor- I cannot stress the Female part enough- a woman will see your point of view like no man can. you say he is a wonderful husband- but what makes him so? You should see somone with an un-biased opinion of your relationship. Or you should just go alone- maybe the answer to this problem lies in yourself. Good luck!!!! <3

It is understandable that you are feeling this way about your husband. Sounds like he is a terriffic guy but maybe you are feeling a little bit bored. You have a 2 year old and another one the way and I think that this is part of it. Having a 2 year old is a lot of work and it can be exhausting especially while you are pregnant! Marriage is many things but an important one is that it is an agreement, one in which people make to pursue happiness. Have you mentioned any of this to your husband? Maybe he is feeling the same way? Maybe you guys could add some zest back into your lives! Go on a weekend or overnight vacation just the 2 of your get a sitter for the 2 year old. Or do something unexpected, you guys can both work to spice up the doldrums. Also, what do you want? Maybe this is time to reassess your values and goals. Do you want a stud or someone who truely loves you and is probably willing to try to make both of you feel better. Hormones may be a contributing factor as well. I am typing with a 2 year old in my lap this is difficult. Hope this helps!

It's too bad that young women contemplating marriage aren't reading this fascinating thread. They could learn a lot from us!

I just wanted to say that it is actually possible to marry someone you're attracted to who is also a great guy. My husband isn't a supermodel (and neither am I), but he's definitely cute. He's also a terrific person. I thought about both when I married him -- passion, love, attraction on the one hand, and his kindness, goodness, and stability on the other.

Please focus on the good attributes of your husband and not this elusive passionate feeling. Feelings fade and are born out of our thoughts. The more you focus on the good characteristics of your husband, the better your feelings will be about him. I would trade the passion I felt for my husband in a heartbeat to have a considerate, nice husband like you.

Wow, Thank you so much for posting this question. I feel the same way as you & think a lot about how I'm not attracted to my husband. Now after reading all your responces I feel so much better! My husband is a wonderful husband, a gread dad, good provider and we agree on so many diferent levels. Sometimes when I start to have those feelings of non-attraction, I will look up and see my two daughter laughing so hard at there dad and at that moment I am so thankful for the family & life we have! Now, I guess the new question I need to post is how do I tell my husband I want him to start working out and not hurt his feelings!!
Thanks again, I loved reading all your great answers!

I am amazed to see the frankness women have expressed in answering your question. I was afraid you'd get the 'of course i am, what do you mean?'
that said, i haven't dated a lot. to me, dating was always a lot of work. I have character traits that i cannot and will not change. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and i say what i think/feel. Not many guys can take that. They want a woman who can be impressed. I am rarely impressed.
Then I met my husband, which was 9 years ago (married for 7). I still remember the day I met him my first thought 'wow, he'd be a great dad.' I was right. He is a great dad. He is a great provider. I am not attracted to him. He is handsome, tall, lean. All that. People find him attractive. I don't. Little things get in a way. If I ask to have the light bulb changed, please don't moan, don't complain, and for God's sake's do not take a week to change it. If the fireplace breaks down, please admit it from the get-go that you need to hire someone to fix it. Do not take a month messing with it only to end up letting me know that it cannot be fixed and that we need to hire someone. Things like this are a turn-off to me. And he's good at doing all the things that I find annoying. He doesn't have a lot of emotions. At least I don't think he does. I have plenty of emotions even for exporting them :).
I wouldn't leave him, because he is a great dad. He respects me. We have a very calm family life. It's just him and me. We have no family we can count on, or friends as we have moved constantly. I wouldn't leave him, but wish he'd recognize that I don't find him attractive, and that maybe he'd do something about it. I don't know what. Maybe a long time has passed, and it's too late. I don't know. I don't dwell on it though. I am a good company to myself.
:)

It sounds like you have the seven-year itch. When was the last time you went alone with your husband anywhere? To dinner or out of town without your kid? This is the time to do it! It will just get harder with the baby on the way. You are probably feeling hormonal right now and honestly I wouldn't be surprised if you are having some very realistic dreams about past crushes, etc. This is common in pregnancy. The rush of passion is very much the opposite of a well-oiled working relationship. It sounds like you found yourself a strong partner and you are disappointed that he isn't more "risky" and uncertain. I would recommend some adult time. There is always the temptation of the "other" and it will continue in your relationship in the future. The trick is to realize that you have something special and incredibly important to you and your children. Be careful what you do at the risk of your family. I bet if you reviewed some of the sweet nothings that you shared as a young couple/songs/etc. you might realize there was a rush of passion that you just forgot about. It might not have been as "intense" as the uncertainty and excitement you got with a past bad boy boyfriend, etc., but you didn't choose the latter to father your children. Good luck. It sounds like you have a swell partner... and you would do well to invest a bit in the relationship! Who knows you might get swept off your feet... it wouldn't be the worst thing!

Awww the inevitable question-sense or sensibility one of my all time favorite book/movies, it is not you, it could be hormones or it could be that element of boredom-which is a good thing-the element of stability and consistency, but not a lot of passion. You could always add passion by just spending an intimate, quiet dinner together, or making date night a priority with just talking together or spending an afternoon at a movie or a museum holding hands. Sometimes it's how we feel too, buy a sexy new maternity dress :)

Wow, you have made a lot of people think hard about their lives!!! I don't have much to add, except that I know a few couples who have been married for 25+ years well enough to ask them about their relationships. They all say that there was a time (at least one time!) when things were not great & they wondered if they made the right choice, but they decided to stick it out & haven't regretted it! Two of these couples have told me it's like they're dating again now that their kids are out of the house.

I think that desire & passion come & go over time, and as long as you are connecting in other ways, the passion can develop. Definitely see a counselor if you're really considering leaving. It can make a huge difference to have someone outside of your life give you their perspective on it.

Sometimes. Mostly when I dress him. But really, I was attracted to him when I met him, although he really wasn't my type. I mean, he just wasn't someone I would have noticed. After I found out he was interested, I took a better look and thought I would go out with him. However, I don't have that passionate flutter you speak of, as there are too many other outside influences to take away from the Prince Charming effect. He is good to me, but he can really make me mad, which gets in the way of my flutter.

I can say that i have been down both roads. I married for the first time when i was 23 years old. I cant say that we had much in common except for a strong sexual attraction for each other, but that was it. When the sex was over, we didn't really get along well, didn't have much of the same likes, and just overall didnt mesh well with one another. We had a daughter together and he wasnt the best father, didnt really pay attention to me or our little girl. We divorced three years later.
Six years later, i married my now husband when i was 32 and this time i decided that looking for that sexual attraction wasn't going to be my #1 priority. He IS EVERYTHING my ex was not. He is so in love with me, such a good daddy, a WONDERFUL husband and we got along so well! We can laugh at each other, he is very goal oriented and i know he would always take care of me and our kids. (we have two little ones together)... but i started to notice a few years down the road, that spark wasn't there anymore...
Now i am in the same boat as a lot of you other wives who posted responses. It takes a while for him to get me in the mood when it comes to sex, and even though i love him more than anything, sometimes i feel that passion isn't there. So i started questioning my decision, did i marry for the right reason or did i just settle? Our little girl is special needs and that has taken such a huge stress on us and our marriage. Even though we both work together to do what we need to, it seems like all of our time and energy is focused on her. When it is time for bed, i am so tired and worn out, i dont feel like being romantic, and it doesnt help that his sex drive is way higher than mine, but i think that might be the case for most men. If it were up to me, i would like to lay in bed together and hold each other at night, but that doesnt happen, soon he is all excited and ready to go. I dont always feel that way.
I have suggested counseling for us and i have kind of done it in a secret way, i told him that we needed to for the sake of our special needs child, but he refuses to go. My plan was to have marriage counseling to better ourselves as parents and then what do you know, we could throw some marriage counseling in (he would never know that was my initial plan).
I know that it will get better as time goes on and i would never jeapordize my marriage, i just think this is something we have to work at and work it out. When i married him, i made vows to him and i take these very seriously. When i divorced my first husband it was because he stepped out on our marriage, but really i cant be mad, b/c like i said, we didnt have much in common except for sex, i think he got bored with me. Life goes on.

Thanks for all the wives who posted back, i have enjoyed reading everyone's story. Makes me feel like i am definately not alone.

Hi BellaMomma,
I saw your question in an email and felt so compelled to respond, because I have felt many of your feelings. I have been with my husband for 11 years and we have been married for almost 7 years as well. We have a 4 year old daughter and another one on the way! Initially, I was not extremely physically attracted to him and there are times now when I don't feel very physically attracted to him. But I find as I mature and as our marriage progresses, I love him more and more, and I become more and more attracted to him! I starting dating him because of his intelligence and sense of humor...but most of all, he was so easy to talk to! We had so much fun together and we still do. It takes effort to keep all of that going, but the effort is easy because we love eachother so much. And he makes me feel great about myself, even when I'm pregnant...but I try to make time for him too...and our sex life is as great, if not better than it ever has been!

What I'm saying is, I think you will get to that point where your love for him becomes so deep that the full attraction will come with it. It does take time. And even now, I sometimes fantasize about a hot guy, but I think that's okay! And as others have posted, there are many things you can do to spice up your sex life and bond with one-on-one time. I cherish those times so much now!!!!!

every marriage has "dry spells".
attraction is overrated!!! its like new cars. its all exciting at first, even "romantic" but after a while those feelings fade.

its possible you have some depression though too. so check with your doctor. try to be as open as possible about your concerns.

talk to your husband! see if there is anything you need from him that could help things.
your husband sounds like a VERY deserving guy. and it sounds like he adores you but men in general dont think of the 'passionate' and 'romanticised' things taht women think about. he might need you to literally tell him "honey, i need you to do _____ " whether its once a day, or once a week on your date night, or whatever. i just recently told my husband that i would prefer it if at least once a day he would kiss me for more than 5 seconds. its like we go through our day with just our simple pecks and smooches here and there, but thats not enough for me.
NOW THAT BEING SAID; it still doesnt happen every day. but he makes a point of making sure he does it on purpose more often, and sometimes he needs reminding. btw, these are kisses that dont lead to or happen during sex. LOL those are obviously deeper.

change your perspective, like you said. look at your husband and if you have to literally start telling YOURSELF "hes got a hot butt" or something, do it! say something enough times, you are going to believe it. im not saying you dont think your guy has a great butt, (or shoulders, or whatever you like there LOL) but its different to vocalize those ideas out loud to him, or whatever (as long as its comfortable for both of you) do you know what i mean? maybe you want to say "what a stud" or "man hes hot" or whatever.

the thing is though, people change over time, especially as we get older. our bodies start to fail us and we will NOT be someone who would have been attractive to us when we were younger! the things that you will NEED when you grow old arent attractiveness, or sexiness, (though im positive im going to think my husband is still just as sexy when hes older as he is now!) but the things you say you already have ; same values, sense of humor, the ability to talk to each other, etc. so what if you have a more mature relationship than you THINK you should have right now.

do you watch too many romantic comedies? LOL. sometimes when i watch those movies, i get this overly romanticised idea of what our relationship SHOULD be like, and its not, so that could bum me out. but the thing is, those movies are WRITTEN. they arent real life, the 2 people you are watching are NOT really in love (for the most part right?) and the things they are expression are not real life and real love! its so overromanticised, that it does and will make your life look boring in comparison. so im not saying dont watch those movies, but enjoy the fuzzy feeling they give you and yet realize that its the most unreal situation ever. LOL.

anyway good luck. again, talk TO YOUR HUSBAND. please dont talk to another man who could sway you away from him. and speak to your doctor about depression. i dont want you to feel like you are "broken" or something, depression can happen to anyone, for reasons that are not clear, so its not your fault, you didnt do anything to cause it if you are depressed. but sometimes its just a chemical thing.

so anyway.
good luck! :)
watch mark gungor. hes got some videos on youtube. but hes fantastic and hysterical!

A lot of people settle for a spouse who is nice but not exciting. I wouldn't talk to him about it, you would probably really hurt him. It sounds like he really loves you and is passionate about you. I recommend counseling for you. Why did you marry him? Why did you settle? Do you believe deep down that this is all you deserve? Counseling can take a long time and you need to be able to get into the nitty gritty of who you are and why you made that important decision.

Wow. This was an excellent post! I felt like I was reading my own thoughts! After taking 2 days to read through all the replies (I have 2 little ones that constantly pulled me away everytime I'd start reading), I felt better about my own choices. I love my husband dearly. He's a great guy, a wonderful dad, an amazing husband. He still compliments me every day and shows desire for me all the time..after 6 years of marriage. When we met, he wasn't my 'type' at all. But, we talked so easily, the communication was great. I looked forward to talking to him more and more, and the more I learned about his character, sense of humor, tenderness, the more I liked him. We've had our ups and downs because of my lack of passion for him, and I feel bad for all the hurt I've caused him over the years. But he's still here by my side loving me unconditionally. Sex is still difficult for me at times, he's has to work a little harder to get me started, and I've suggested we both need to work out and get in better shape and that might help me. He wants to work out, he wants to be attractive for me, but then he doesn't do anything to get in better shape and still eats a lot of junk food during the day. I try to focus on all the positive things about why I married him; how responsible he is, how goal-oriented he is, how much he adores me. Then I think about the physical characteristics about him that I do find attractive, like his eyes or his strong shoulders and back, or his strong hands and how his hands on my skin make me feel so dainty (even though I know I'm not). These things have helped, and when I get really bad (my moods), we talk about things, like how overwhelmed I may be at home all day with the two kids and a dirty house, no extra money coming in..etc. and just getting it off my chest and talking with him makes me feel a lot better.. him too because he can sense when I'm getting too stressed.
Thanks so much for posting this. I thought I was the only one in the world who chose to marry someone that I wasn't attracted to and was my best friend.

trust me-your not missing anything...if youve got a great hubby-count your blessings-i married a real jerk-been divorced 27 yrs now...been in a couple serious relationships-now ive been single 10 looong yrs.not even one date...being single sucks..hangin out with the gals got old yrs back-but it beats doing it all alone...count your blessings...you got one in a million...

Oh Honey, EVERYONE goes through this. No matter who you are there will be a time when you must fight to keep your heart your husbands. Our minds are sometimes our biggest enemy. This is when love becomes a choice, and we choose to be, as I like to say, girlishly in love with our husbands. A very wise woman once gave the analogy of a piano player. When a child begins to learn to play they are always hitting wrong notes and the music doesn't sound like it should. However, as the pianist practices his fingers hit the right keys EVERY TIME without even looking, almost without even knowing it, because this pianist has practiced these beautiful notes over and over again .We can do the same thing in our hearts. Practice joy, practice love. When those thoughts of dissapointment come, think on the beautiful things that your husband does. Sadness is a strong fight but you can push through this and fall in love with our husband passionately. I can't tell you how many times I have stood at a sink full of dishes with tears falling down my face fighting feelings of loneliness and sadness, feeling like a little piece of me was dieing inside as I fought to keep my love my husbands, and strange as it may seem, what I thought was a little piece of me dieing was really a little piece of my sadness. You haven't missed out on anything (believe me looks really don't mean that much) you have a beautiful child and one more coming, you have a man who is wonderful, hold on to that. And one more thing, hormones are crazy when you are pregnant, try to remember that you are also dealing with lots of that too. This is part of the beautiful journey of our lives, to take the sadness that tries to steal our hearts and turn it into something beautiful. Let your man know that you are sad, tell him that you need a little extra right now, maybe not sex ;-), but maybe a movie, or an extra cuddle, and then let that warm your heart. Don't push him away in this time while you are figuring out how to be a wife. You are brand new at this, you are beautiful and you can have a beautiful marriage.

I am in the same boat as you except in the beginning there was a notion of mutual attraction but now sex is just something that only happens after pulling teeth and last year that was 5 times! I spend a lot of time wistfully missing my previously rich and very passionate sex life... but like you, everything else is just perfect so I also feel guilty and selfish to feel that way about our sex life. Also 7 years together,5 married, a two year old and a 8 month old. I guess I always remember that I made a choice to marry a man that I connected with on all those other levels rather than based on just hot steamy sex and in the end I think I made the right decision and overall am very happy and that is more than a lot of women can Say. Sometimes are harder than others. Focus on all the positives. If he is receptive perhaps he'd be open to changes that will he'll in that attraction dept. I've tried lots of things and found I'm happiest when I can just let it go and not focus on it. ((((Hugs))))

Our society places so much emphasis on the physical that we all start believing that our happiness is directly tied to what our spouse looks like, what we look like, what our kids look like, what we drive, where we live, etc.

What do you feel you missed out on? I think everyone has those feelings. Those "if I'd a" thoughts.

Do you think he feels the same way about you? Do you think he's not excited to have sex or doesn't get that pitter patter?

My husband and I keep up the intensity of our affection for each other at the level we had when we started dating. By never letting our relationship feel "old" or just "comfortable" we don't take it for granted. I hope we'll always be that way, and that you can get to that point with your husband as well.

If you are feeling particularly sad/not attracted to him now, pregnancy hormones could be playing a role, and I would say wait it out. However, if you have never felt attracted to him, I would recommend making an appointment with a family/marital therapist (by yourself) to see if a professional has any advice for you.

I have been married for 8 years now. I believe that marriage goes through ups and downs, in love passionate and not so passionate, like each other and not like each other. I think that it is the staying power of you and him. It is about working together through the goods and bads. It is great to have someone that loves you through it all. Maybe you can "spice" things up a bit, Valentine's Day is coming up maybe that would be a place to start. Babysitter, hotel, bottle of wine (or sparkling apple cider), a trenchcoat with nothing under but you, a little fun to spice it up...that might help you...