February 16, 2010,
C.P. asks from Saint Paul, MN on February 01, 2010
Are You Attracted to Your Husband?
This is a subject that has been weighing heavily on my mind for a long time... I have been with my husband for 7 year (married 5), and I have never really been super attracted to him. I'm sure in the beginning I thought he was "cute", but was mainly attracted to him because he is probably the nicest, most considerate person I've ever met, and we seemed to have all the same values, sense of humor etc. So we got married, and now 5 years later, with a 2 year old and another one on the way I find myself feeling sad a lot of the time, like I missed out on something. Like that pitter patter in my heart knowing the MY guy has walked in the room... Or actually being excited to have sex with him... Even in the beginning it was never really like this... I'm wondering if this is common with many women, and if so, how do you deal with it? Do you just settle down for the long road and give up any notion of attraction? Knowing that you will have a partner standing by you, but not necessarily someone you are passionate about? As I said, he is a wonderful husband and a wonderful father, so that actually makes it even more confusing, because honestly, there is not one thing he could do to be a better guy. I'd really like to hear some of your thoughts - hopefully it will give me a new perspective :-)
1 mom found this helpful
So What Happened?™
Wow, I am amazed and overwhelmed at all of the responses I received!!! THANK YOU! I had no idea that I would strike a nerve with so many people! You gave me so much great advice and so much to think about...I read each and every reply and it made me feel so much better to know that I'm not alone and that there are other women out there who have experienced these feelings. I have decided that I owe it to my husband, my daughter, our baby on the way, and myself to try everything I can possibly try to make this marriage work. I do not want to take what I have for granted, I want to learn to appreciate it. I know it may be a struggle, but I'm hoping that I can learn to be more attracted to my husband by focusing on the positive, rather than the negative. Hopefully love, luck, fate, and all that other good stuff will be on my side :-) Again, thank you for the support, it is so appreciated.
M.C. answers from Detroit on February 02, 2010
That's a very interesting question:) I have a little bit of a different take on it. Having been through a nasty divorce with my first husband, who was the charming and flirtatious kind because most women found him to be, I changed my outlook on what I wanted in a man. Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, so the saying goes. I guess I always have Judge Judy's saying in the back of my head: "beauty fades, dumb is forever." I met my second husband on match.com. My lovable husband is a true computer geek and has very little social skills and not a likable guy to most--and I wouldn't have him any other way! I set my standards to a higher ground when I chose to marry my second hubby. I would NEVER marry a man who most women find physicallly stunning or too social...period. I'm fairly attractive (so I'm told), but I'd rather be smart than pretty. My husband is attractive to me because he is everything I want--a great love, a loyal friend, a true companion, and an attentive daddy. He works hard and provides us with a wonderful life of stability and honesty...now, I think that's very attractive:)
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M.S. answers from Omaha on February 02, 2010
It's kind of a crazy unfair toss up. I was crazy about my now ex boyfriend. I had never felt passion like that in my life. My days seemed brighter, even the rainy days were awesome. In the beginning we couldn't get enough of each other. When he walked in the room something in my chest sparked. Hard to explain. We were together 5 years. Along with all that passion came a lot of heartache though. I won't bore you with the details but after about 2 years he started to not treat me so hot. By then I was so in love with him that I put up with a lot more than I should have. My heart still fluttered when he came in the room and when he'd call I would just sigh with relief. But when he'd hang up Lord only knows who was calling to go see.
When I met my husband I was recovering from what I went through with my ex. My husband was nice, funny, kinda cute, and had an outgoing personality, loved being around me. He was more into me than I was into him. It was nice to have that change for once. He didn't disappear for days on end. However, I never felt that same attraction to him that I did my ex. Physically he's different than what I thought I would end up with. He's in good shape just things are different. We have two children who adore their dad. Though, sometimes I feel like I am missing out when I see a hot guy but then think - what issues does he have. I would love that crazy passionate fire inside me that i never really felt with my husband. He was drama free which is why I married him.
Wouldn't it be great to live in a world where it was ok for women to have two husbands lol (but they couldn't have two wives ; ) One to be the responsible provider type and the other for all that hot passionate romance and other things lol. Just kidding! lol.
1 mom found this helpful
L.A. answers from Chicago on February 02, 2010
I will be married 20yrs, and my husband and I dated for almost 9, so we have been together for almost 30yrs. YIKES!. Anyway, yes you lose that honeymoon style attraction after awhile and settle into a toned down attraction. We have talked about it many times how we do not have that romance.
We have started to take a couples only vacation every year. I can tell you it brings us closer, and it is such a boost to the relationship. I also enjoy just the kiss goodbye/hello, holding hands when we go out. etc. The little things really bring back the spark.
1 mom found this helpful
L.U. answers from Seattle on February 01, 2010
Bellamomma - Nope, I am not super attracted to my husband either. I have dated a lot of men before I married my husband, and some of them were super hot!! HOWEVER, they would have been bad father's, one of them actually gave up his rights to my son. They were not that considerate, didn't care too much about my feelings, and a couple were abusive. BUT THEY WERE CUTE!! So what?
I am attracted to my husband BECAUSE he is a good dad, because he is a good husband, because he works SO very hard to support our family, because he is funny, because we have the same family values.
Nope, I don't get the butterflies, which sometimes makes me very sad. But, there are other times that I DO get those butterflies (especially when he does the dishes! LOL) I didn't choose my hubby because he looked like a model, I chose him because he will be a good life partner. Besides when we are 80 both of us will be saggy, wrinkly, and tired.
I don't feel like I have settled. I completely understand what you are saying about the attraction and sex...but then I think to myself...I'm no Christy Brinkley (or some other model)...and I love him. Once it all gets going things are just fine! :)
7 moms found this helpful
E.B. answers from Duluth on February 02, 2010
My sister in law asked me the same question when she started dating the man who is now her fiance. I think that, very generally speaking, there are guys who excite us--and they excite us because they are unpredictable--and guys who are less exciting and predictable. I asked my sister in law this: would you rather be MARRIED to someone who was going to sweep you off your feet and surprise you and be wildly romantic...or would you rather be married to someone you know is going to show up for his job and get up with the kids at night? While I very much miss the first, I think my husband and I are working on learning that part...and I'm not sure I could "tame" a wild boy and still like him. I KNOW I can get my husband to be more spontaneous and still love him. :) That said, no, I don't find him phenomenally attractive. He wants me to, and it hurts me terribly to just not feel that way (and, obviously, I'm sure it hurts him). On the other hand, when my mind starts to wander (as it does...my body never does), I simply remind myself that this IS the man I want to be with when I'm 90, and that screwing it up now is not going to lead to a 50 year marriage. Also, my husband knows me like no other. He likes me even when I feel like I'm being bitchy to everyone in the world. He seems to think I have the purest of motivations in everything I do, and he can read me like a book. I can't ever lie to him, because he knows me too well, and I love that about our relationship. And THAT is what gets me in bed with him. (Sometimes a good romance helps, too, but it ends up being my husband I'm in bed with, not some fictional character.) I too feel like I missed out sometimes...or, sometimes, a lot of the time. But, reminding myself that I can create that fun if I want goes a long way. Think about what you want from those wildly attractive men; can you get that from your husband, by telling him what you want and encouraging that side of him? Good luck!
6 moms found this helpful
I.B. answers from Wausau on February 02, 2010
Good job reaching out. :)
You've received a lot of good responses. I especially liked what Laura U and Peg M had to say.
I remember "feeling the heat" in a relationship- I got burned many times! I remember I once asked my mom why she married my dad (they're going to celebrate their 40th anniversary this year). She said that she knew when they were dating that he would be a good provider and that she could trust him implicitly. She told me she'd known passion in a previous relationship and had her heart broken. When she told me that, I was sad for her because she chose stability over passion. But after extensively researching passion on my own, I've finally come to appreciate the wisdom in my mom's choice.
I am married to wonderful man who is very considerate, very supportive, and a wonderful dad to my daughter (from a previous relationship). He is reliable, responsible and trustworthy. He has stuck with me, moving to two different areas where he wouldn't have chosen to live, in order to support me in my education and career. I love him for all of these things. Sure, sometimes I feel like I'm "missing out" in certain respects, but I try to remember that "nobody's perfect",and "the grass always SEEMS greener", and also that I made a choice and a commitment. Then I think about my daughter (she calls my husband "daddy"), and I think about how important it is for her to see her parents in a stable, loving relationship. After I think about these things, I choose again to love my husband.
And the sex? Am I excited about the idea? Usually no, but I find that when we have more sex, we both seem to feel more content with each other. I am less likely to get impatient with him, and I am more likely to recognize and appreciate the love he has for me in the little things he does. And even if the idea isn't exactly exciting, like another mom said, "once it all gets going things are just fine! :)" I hope this is the case for you as well. One thing that may help is if you try to talk to your husband about what you need from him. Also, you can explore ways to find pleasure on your own, and experiment with these things when you're with him.
Best of luck to you, you can private message me if you'd like :)
4 moms found this helpful
H.M. answers from Omaha on February 02, 2010
The grass isn't always greener on the other side... it's just a different shade.
I was instantly attracted to my husband. He was VERY attractive. No one argued that. He's 30 years old and he's still very attractive if not more so. He has little teenage girls giggling and whispering about him. Older girls making eyes at him and passes at him. He never looks at them twice or even acts like he notices anymore. All my friends tell me how attractive he is and how lucky I am to have him. They envy the heck out of me. It's sad but true.
He does still make my heart skip a beat when he's around. I love having sex with him. Always have...I don't have to imagine that I have Brad Pitt on me or anything.
BUT I can't say he's always been a good man. I can't say he's always had the best character. You see well when you are attractive you don't have to do as much in life. You don't have to develop a beautiful character because people don't make you. You realize that any woman will take you so you don't have to do as much for your wife. You, the wife, also realize he could go find a girl any day so you bend to his whim more than you would have to if you had an average or unattractive man.
When we first met he was a tyrant I'd say. I dressed the way he wanted me to dress, had the friends he wanted me to have, we did what he wanted to do. I was happy to do it. I had the boy everyone else wanted. Stupid eh!
Now we've been married for 11 years and I can look back on life and say we've had alot of bad years. Alot of fights... alot of discourse in our life. We have 3 children together and I can say he's an amazing father. But he hasn't always been a good husband. Sure he meets my basic needs, he works and provides but not always emotionally. I’m not saying I don’t love him I’m just saying he has his flaws just like you think your husband does. They are just different flaws. Things aren’t bad anymore in our lives but that is because after 11 years we have learned how to deal with one another and we do love one another.
My husband is pry below average on the nice, considerate, having the same values, and sense of humor realm. BUT he's beautiful and makes my heart pitter patter and sex is amazing. Would I exchange him... after 11 years heck no... But looking back at 1 year well maybe? I mean I love my children that he gave me and I love him but sometimes I can tell that his character didn't develop like some of my "unattractive" male friends did. I shouldn’t have put up with what I did… and I should have found my voice sooner and if he had left so be it. I should have valued me more. And maybe you should value your husband more.
So the grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It's just a different shade of green. They both have dead patches. We just should learn to be happy with our own yard. I know that is the hard part.
3 moms found this helpful
C.B. answers from Kansas City on February 02, 2010
honestly i can't really help you, but wanted to share. my problem is the opposite. i am attracted to my husband like crazy, he makes me laugh and i love him to death. we have been together 8 years and (so far!) the "sizzle" is still there. but he is NOT a good provider at all, and i often think, "well...i married for love, not money, after all!". i think it's interesting how life works out. am i happier than you? i doubt it. we live in a two bedroom apartment in a questionable neighborhood and my husband has been telling me for a year and a half that he's going to get a better job...but we're happy in our way i suppose. i know that doesn't really help, but just wanted to offer a different perspective.
3 moms found this helpful
J.C. answers from Fort Wayne on February 02, 2010
Just wanted to say that this post/answers really helped me a lot. Lately, I've been looking backwards instead of forwards...thinking about old relationships and also about old times with friends because I have felt like I'm missing something from my life. These things being passion, for sure, and also purpose, since I'm a stay at home mom. When my husband and I met, we were both a little drawn back from each other because we both are good looking people, and I'll tell you what, I was the head bartender at a huge club and had learned that guys who are really good looking and friendly are usually total players. I never dated anyone who hit on me in the club, even if they were good looking, just for that reason. Now for him, he saw a hot bartender who got hit on constantly every night, so he was completely not looking to get serious with me because he assumed I was a player also. So one night, he just asked me if I wanted to go to a party with him, no date, just hanging out at a party together. Well, we ended up hanging out a lot after that, and once we got to know each other, we really fell in love. Now we've been married for 7 years, have two kids, and are both still at the weights we were at when we met, so we haven't changed physically. BUT, I know he's said to me before "for being two attractive people, we should WANT to have sex more". If it were up to him, we'd have sex every couple of days. I'm good with once a week. As a matter of fact, I'm not a fan of sex, except for how another mom said that when she and her husband are having regular sex, they tend to not annoy each other as much and feel more content with each other. Sometimes I look at my husband and think "I completely thought he was just the hottest guy ever when we met, why don't I have that lust for him anymore?" And it makes me sad too. I thought maybe I was missing something also, but after reading the other responses, I feel so much better because I realize that the moms are soooo right. Those guys that create those butterflies in your stomach do so because they fit a certain profile in your mind. Once that profile becomes "good father, good provider" where's the "oh, that's so hot" factor? When I first met my husband, I thought it was so hot that every girl seriously followed him around, and that he was SO hot. I think I need to remember though just how lucky I am that I found a guy that I have two gorgeous kids with, and that the passion just has taken on a deeper more intimate level of passion. It doesn't have to make you feel totally hot, it just has to remind you of how great your marriage is, the important parts of it.
So thank you for asking this! And thanks for all the great answers!!
2 moms found this helpful
A.C. answers from Minneapolis on February 02, 2010
Thank you, BellaMomma, for being brave enough to share. You're timing couldn't be better as I am also struggling with attraction. It's been a long past two years with a high risk pregnancy involving 3 months of bedrest, now twin toddlers, one year of my husband's unemployment and my working full time in a very stressful job. I feel stressed to the max. I don't find my husband attractive, or myself for that matter. I know I like him better when we are having sex on a regular basis. But neither one of seems to make an effort, which that alone is hurtful. If I don't completely drive him away during this time, I have to believe things will get better. We had a great beginning and we share all the same values. He is kind, stable, honest, an excellent father and a better person than I'll ever be. I am so lucky to have him. I was listening to a discussion on the radio the other day where they described love as a verb, not a noun. It caused me to pause because I hadn't really thought about it that way. We tend to think we love someone or don't love someone. While it's an action item, once it's attained we treat it like a noun. Like once it's happened it's a given. Not true. It is always an action. It's a choice and it's something that needs to be worked at everyday. It needs to be nutured in order to grow. While I might lust sometimes for lovers past, I know this lover is the one who knows me, takes care of me and is always there. Thanks for reminding me of how lucky I am.
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J.K. answers from Eau Claire on February 02, 2010
I'm having the same problem. I actually talked to my doctor about it today. I love my husband dearly but really feel like being left alone. My doctor said that it is more likely due to hormone changes with pregnancies, etc. We have an 8yr old and 3 two year olds. (yes triplets) She also said that it's because I'm so busy taking care of everyone that when he wants to be taken care of it is more like another duty. My hubby is also the kind of guy who likes to have his needs met when he wants them met, no matter what is going on or how I am feeling at the time so again feels like another chore. What I would like to do is start having a "date night" where someone else is taking care of the kids so we can just spend quality (non-sexual) time together to feel the love again and to get to know each other all over again. It's just really hard to find someone who wants to take care of 3 2yr olds. lol I do hope that you will find peace in your marriage.
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