Anti-social 5 Year Old Son

As long as your son is comfortable being alone, I would not worry. This is just how some people are. We don't need to push anything just because the rest of the world does it that way. At this age, kids still play parallel than with each other. My son (also only child) too likes company of adults than other kids, most likely because his verbal and cognitive skills are way beyond his age. Sometimes, he comes across as a wise grown-up than a child. May be your son is also very insightful, keen observer, and perceptive?

My son is also mostly raised at home with us and grandparents, never went to day care. And did I mention that his bed is in our bedroom and I am okay with his sneaking into our bed any time he wants to. He would not even enter other people's homes until age 3. Now he is considered by far quite a gregarious 5.5 year old.

Just let your child be who he is and he will find his own way. And, one to one play dates is a good idea but without pushing him or making him too conscious about it. And, please do not label him as 'anti-social' or any other such labels. It is all in our own eyes how we see things not how things truly are. Once we lock our kids into certain labels, it is as if we expect them to behave that way such as saying he is 'shy, which is a very negative label.

Your child is cautious and that is a great quality to have as he will choose things wisely in his life not because somebody said so. He simply needs more time to warm up and should be supported for that not labeled for not meeting your expectations. I recommend reading books Between parent and child by Haim Ginot and how to raise your highly spirited child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka.
Best,
-Rachna

I wouldn't worry about it at all. I was a very shy child, for most of my elementary school years, in fact. I grew out of it when I was ready ... I just realized it wasn't fun being shy anymore and being treated like a doormat and make the call myself. I have always preferred having select friends, not large groups of them, and I am still friends with most of my elementary school year friends to this day. I ended up becoming a journalist, interacting with people regularly, and later a public relations manager, serving as a spokesperson for a company division. Starting off shy did not hold me back in life. It was just part of who I was at the time. Outgoing isn't always best. :)

I know it's frustrating now, but he's just starting off and has so many years to outgrow the shyness. Embrace him the way he is and his confidence will grow and the shyness will ease.

Hello Sunshine: Being the eldest of 10 children ans the parents of 5 ans having several cuties as grandchildren I have to say that this is not an unusual situation.
Your child is being raised as a little adult. This is natural actually for an only child. Although I can understand this most children will not becasue the little adult speaks, thinks, and even acts differently due to being apart of adult conversations..
I have one child that was very lonely. Stayed within the family for friendships and although there were 12 years differance in age went everywhere his brother and friends went--when a friend complained the Big Brother would say nice try no prize and dropped the friend out of his circle. My youngest son, was shy about people, didn't communicate at thier leval ans not always as a child should. We learned after several attemps at play groups, team sports, chess club did work great as well as Sign language Club. The problem we didn't know about because he had so many compensation skills --- was that he is dyslexic and has Aspberger Syndrome. so it explained so much.
My husband D., as a teacher told parents these things for your situation;1. make sure your child knows how to talk as a child ans knows how to think ans address things asa child.
2. see if there are other children in the class or another class that are simular ans get them together-- hopefully with a common interest. By the 3rd grade my son learned to take a chess game to the play ground and if nothing else others would come over and check it out. Checkers/Domino's work just as well. I have one son that carried picture of his hobby and made friends that way, I have one child that got kids together ans went over to the special day class to make a friend because often they have no one to hang with. I have one that is very into War Hammer and has spent time with people about that hobby.
3. A child that is lonely is the most horrible thing ans one can be in a crowd and still be lonely. In adulthood we generally have only 1-2 close friends so maybe one on one is the best way to start.
Parenthood is a great adventure and like nothing else you will ever accomplish. I know it has never been dull!! Just keep thinking outside the box. You will also find this subject in various forms here on Mama Source and might like to check what answers those parents got. Good Luck, Nana G

Hi Sunshine,

You don't mention if your son went to preschool, has cousins/friends kids he's played with or if he has spent is 5 years with just you.

If he has not played with other kids often, he just doesn't know how to. However now that he is in school, he will in time.

Playing together is something that is learned. As an only child, he doesn't understand the concept of sharing. Please don't think I'm saying being an only child is bad, it just means that there are experiences he has not been exposed to. He just needs time.

I wouldn't worry too much. Sounds like he wasn't in school prior to kindergarten? If so, he hasn't learned how to socialize with kids yet - he only knows adults, so that's what he gravitates too. I'm sure he'll get the hang being with other kids ... it will just take some time.

It sounds like he didn't attend preschool? If that's the case, I wouldn't worry too much, he will catch up. If you want to help him along I would try to get him out and about with other kids as much as possible. Take him to the park a lot, but try not to play with him. Sit with a book and encourage him to play with the other kids. Also, after school sports and classes are a great way to socialize. It's an exciting time for both of you, have fun!

Give him time, and do invite kids over for playdates.

My suggestion would be to continue arranging playdates but also make sure some of them, you aren't there to supervise & instead, he is at the other kids' house. This way, he will also learn on his own how to socialize & not rely on you as his crutch to help him thru the playdate. I'd also sign him up for some classes...art, gymnastics, swim lessons or another sport. Check out your local YMCA or your Park & Rec programs. At his age, the classses generally require you to leave him which gives him the opportunity to navigate the situation on his own. Best of luck!

I know exactly what you are going through. My son is also 5 years old and starting kindergarten. He is very shy around other children. He went to preschool for 2 years and did not make 1 friend. We had children over for playdates and he did very well but did not play with them at school the next day. He is just now starting to oome around and blossoming - at least it looks that way and I am hoping so. I spoke to his teachers and they suggested play dates which we'll start up. Also, enroll your son in sports: soccer is going on now, basketball in winter, t-ball in winter/spring. Soccer is making a huge difference for my son. He is enjoying it and enjoying being on a team. I keep on being told by teachers that he'll grow out of it but I still worry and it's painful to see him observe and not enjoy. Good luck to you.