Son Has Trouble Making Friends

Updated on September 22, 2008
L.A. asks from Middle Village, NY
25 answers

Hi Moms,
I could really use some advice on how to help my 4 year old son socialize with his pre-k classmates. Up until now, all of his "friends" have been the children of my friends or his cousins. He gets along great with these already established friends. The problem now is that he is getting to an age where he needs to learn how to make friends on his own or at least socialize with others. Every morning before school starts, all of his classmates play in the playground. When I bring my son to school, he refuses to go and play with the rest of the class. He will sit and watch them until the teachers come to take them to the classroom. I can tell he wants to join in the fun, but does not seem to know how. Every day I tell him to just go over to the other kids and join in, but he says he does not want to. I don't know what to do. I know if I keep pushing him, he will just resist more, so I let him sit and watch, but it breaks my heart to see him all by himself like that. His teachers tell me he is doing well in class and talks to the other kids, but I think the problem is any kind of free play time. It's like he just does not know what to do with himself. He generally is not shy with adults, but seems to have trouble with his peers. Like I said, if he knows the other children, everything is fine, but he makes no attempt to get to know these children.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated, other than "set up playdates" simply because I have been doing that for him since he was little. A playdate that I set up does not seem to help him be less socially awkward in a group setting like school,
thanks in advance moms!

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A.D.

answers from New York on

Hi L., I can understand how you feel and you are right not to try to push him. Give him more time. Let the teacher invite him to play, and the other children will too. The day will come when he will want to join in. I have seen this happen when I worked in a literacy program. Some of the children were very shy but eventually came around. My good wishes, Grandma Mary

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S.R.

answers from New York on

I would get to know the parents of these kids in his class and he would see you one on one with the parents. in my experience there were other parents waiting for school to start and their child was right there too.
than i would invite as many people i could to the neighborhood playground, classmates, friends kids etc. and there would be snacks and drinks...a social.
dont worry he's bond to find a buddy.

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P.M.

answers from New York on

I haven't read the other responses, so this may be a duplication. I think I would set up some play dates outside of school with his classmates to help him feel more comfortable. I would then establish a drop off time (work with the other parents) as the child/ren that he knows well, so he can walk over to the free play area with them rather than alone. This is a difficult task for anyone, even adults, so a little encouragement can go a long way. Good luck.

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L.H.

answers from New York on

You are better off to ignore this situation. Your son will make friends and play with other kids when he is ready. The more you push or talk about it, the more he will rebel by doing the opposite. I wouldn't set up any playdates either, because you might set one up with the wrong classmate. I learned from my son, that kids can be very peticular about who they make friends with. Kids start the popularity stuff early. Also, you really don't know the whole picture. It might be the other kids that don't want to play with him. Sometimes kids will pick playmates and tell certain kids that they only want to play with certain playmates and not them.

You are better off to enroll your boy in an after school or week-end activity geared toward children. That way it's a different environment, because the kids are there for fun and not forced to be there. It could be anything like a sport or art and crafts center.

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K.E.

answers from New York on

Group free play can be overwhelming to a lot of kids, even if they're not shy. The lack of structure can inhibit children from knowing what to do. And at the age of 4, children play...nonsensically; they create their own rules and change them at random. The noise and physical commotion can also be overwhelming. The more he learns how the group works together and can better predict how the play is going to go, the easier it will be for him. But he may always be one of those kids who stays on the outskirts with one or 2 others, and that is fine as well.
I definitely recommend you arrive early so that your son can get into playing before it becomes a large group.
Also, you are right to just let him sit and observe. It would be helpful to his observations if you and/or the teacher verbalize how others are interacting so he can better assess the situation. For example: "Oh, John is here. He sees Tim and Joe. Do you think he wants to play with them? I think so - he just picked up the other ball to throw like they are. But he doesn't have anyone to throw to. John just asked Tim and Joe if he could throw to them. Hmmm - they said no, so John asked Jack to play with him. Now they're having fun together."
Include in your observations comments about what's happening, language that the kids can/do use, ask your son a question about the interaction so he's involved in the processing, and help sum up what happened - if the interaction worked or not - and if not, how it could have been better handled. You are then creating a structure for your son in social interactions that may seem to him completely chaotic and unpredictable.
Remember preschool (and elementary) is all about learning social communication - your son is learning - he shouldn't just automatically know how to handle every social interaction.

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D.

answers from New York on

Talk to your son. Try to find out from him or his teachers about any other little boys he talks to frequently during school. They try to schedule a play date for the weekend. This way he can get a little friend to help him make more while at school. If he had an "in" it might be easier for him.

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M.T.

answers from New York on

Hi L.,

At 4, playing "with" kids rather than "near" kids is still a new concept to children. My suggestion would be to ask your son's preschool teachers whether he is interacting with kids in the class once you are gone. His teachers are likely helping the children to interact with one another, that's one of the purposes of attending nursery school. I would discuss your concerns about socialization with his teachers privately and get them on board to help!

Also, if you have struck up a friendly relationship with any of the other moms, maybe you could get one of them on board to help you, especially if she has an outgoing kid. Let such a mom know about your son's situation and have her get her kid to come over and say something like "Hi Josh, do you want come come on the swings with me?" He can learn by modelling what other kids do. Or if he's playing by himself, the other kid can be sent over to say "Hi, can I play with you?" Some kids just don't realize they can do that but if it happens to him, perhaps he will be more comfortable in doing it himself!

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S.H.

answers from Syracuse on

Hi L.! Can I say that I am in the same position as you are right now. I have a daughter who is also 4 and just starting preschool this year as well. When we went to the start of year picnic she seemed to ignore the other kids so it makes me wonder if she is playing with them during the school day. She has a cousin who is 5 and in the same school, she is very close to him and says he is her only friend. I am worried about her shyness but I also understand that it is a new situation for her. Her Father was a shy kid and he grew out of it in middle school.

Try talking to your son about his day and casually bring up the friend subject. I talk to Amelia and ask how her day went. She asks about mine. I talk about my friends at work. This has seemed to open her up a bit because now she has 2 friends that she talks about by name. This is a big step because I couldn't get her to tell me anyone's name before.

I did see another Mom's advice about not talking to him about it. I think that you shouldn't go about it telling him he needs to have friends which I know at this age they are very much about doing the opposite of what you say! As I suggested before either you or your spouse should have nightly conversations about your days and what you did. Bring up your friends and what you do and maybe he will open up to you as well.

Good luck and please let us know how this turns out!

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R.B.

answers from New York on

Hi L.,
I have a very young son, so I'm not sure if my advice will help, but I was that way as a child. I was very shy and had a really hard time with that first awkward intro into a group. The thing that helped me the most as a child was being in organized team sports. I played something every season and although I was never the social butterfly as a child I did OK and had friends but not tons. Its hard to be shy but I did get over it. Mostly through working as a teenager and in college as a waitress. I think that helped also. Group activities seem to be the best way. I see that already my son is a little shy and I'm going to be trying my best. Your instinct not to force it is best though because then you risk him feeling like he's disappointing you if he doesn't or isn't as social as he thinks you want him to be. He'll get there! maybe soccer and t-ball to start. Not sure where you live but all over manhattan and brooklyn they have soccer groups for kids- www.supersoccerstars.com. Good luck! R.

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M.K.

answers from Buffalo on

Hi L.. As a mom of 3 boys, I learned that the more confident they are in themselves, the more they were able to approach children out of the blue and make friends in a snap. I've always encouraged my kids to "perform" in some way like singing songs at the top of their lungs and I would sing with them, and tell him how good they are. When they were funny and even when they would do something stupid but funny, i would laugh and always tell them "Don't you ever ever change because you are absaulutely perfect the way you are and I love you" I really believe doing these simple things since they were toddlers gave them the ability to like themselves and be confident that other kids they come across will like them also. In fact, I think my youngest is too confident to the point he's cocky. Also, it would help if your son see's you interact with strangers when out shopping, waiting at the deli line, going up to other parents of babies and young children, telling them how cute their babies are. If your kids watch you approach people, they will do the same with other kids. Hope this helps. M.

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D.S.

answers from New York on

Dear L.,

Have you tried arriving a little early so that he is not arriving while the children have already formed a group to play with. I run a preschool and I notice that when children come into a classroom already engaged it is difficult for some kids to just jump right in, especially if they are shy. All children have a different comfort level and some are more outgoing than others. Since in the past his playmates have been provided for him (cousins and friends kids) he has never been forced to socialize on his own. I think if you discuss your concerns with his teacher and maybe be one of the first to arrive for a few days he may not feel as if he is intruding into a click of children but that he is a part of. Who knows if he is one of the first maybe the children will gravitate toward him making it easier on him. I would not try to do this yourself because as you said he will resist. However a good teacher would notice a child struggling and try her best to encourage the children to play together without embarrassing him. Setting up playdates as you said is not going to help him use his own social skills. Children usually do things when they are comfortable and at their own pace. I would consider these suggestions and not worry about it when he is ready and comfortable he will come around. Good luck!!

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J.H.

answers from Syracuse on

"Every day I tell him to just go over to the other kids and join in"

You have to take him by the hand and go with him...that's just my opinion...he's still little and to some, especially shy children, just going over and saying hi is painful.

I'm 40 and it's still hard for me in social settings to introduce myself to a bunch of strangers...but at my age, and with 3 young children, I obviously have to do it.

Just my 2 cents...best wishes to you!
J.

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N.B.

answers from New York on

MANY 4 year olds still don't really know how to socialize with other kids. It is a learning process and a big part of pre-k even for 4 year olds, to learn how to play with others. Many 4's, while doing free play still play on their own sometimes.

I would walk him up and take him over to a child and say "hi this is (your child's name) and ask him if they'd like to play. It is not interfering, you are guiding him.

You should also make the teachers more aware so they can try and help him make the move to be a little more interested in playing with the kids.

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L.D.

answers from Albany on

As hard as it is for us moms L., I would tell you to sit back and relax. Don't put so much emphasis on it. That may be causing him some anxiety too.

My children were the same way. They did great with kids they knew...family and friends' kids but not on their own. My oldest barely made a friend his first year of preschool until it was almost over. Now the boy is 7 and every child is his "new best buddy". LOL My middle son was the same way only he cried every day he went to preschool for literally from September through January. Now, it's the same thing. He is 5 and in kindergarten and has 2 best friends, one of which he just met this school year. He also used to be VERY shy during free play but now we can go to a playground and both my boys will end up part of a group of a dozen kids playing Star Wars.

Don't worry about more playdates. Just keep doing what you are doing. Let him watch. It's the beginning of the year. It may take him some time but one day he is just going to run to the playground and barely remember to hug you good-bye because he will be in such a hurry to do so. :)

Hugs,
L.

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L.D.

answers from New York on

Hi,
I can imagine how awful you must feel not seeing your son play with the others. I would ask the teachers if they could encourage one of the other boys, or maybe two, to be helpers.....they could be asked to be "caring" towards your son, by taking him over to the playground and playing with him. The boys asked to do this could feel "special" becasue they were chosen to be helpers and can be rewarded for their efforts, and then your son will be assisted onto the playground by the boys and feel special as well?
Just a thought?
Good luck

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N.M.

answers from New York on

My son is also shy at first with kids new to him, but the teachers tell me there is no problem during class. Maybe if he got there early and was the first one on the playground, he might make friends easier if he plays with the first other kid or two that comes along. I worried alot about both my dtrs with this because they are shy at first too, but they both have plenty of friends so it should work out as he gets older.

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K.S.

answers from New York on

Hi L.,

Do I understand right, and your son just started pre-K this month, is with kids he doesn't know for the first time?

If this is the case, don't worry about his shyness quite yet. I can see at least two things that can be happening:

He started a brand new environment, with new rules and new people, just three weeks ago. He needs time to adjust and learn the "rules of engagement" as I call them, i.e. how to start being with people you don't know. He will get to know and feel more comfortable with his classmates as he gets to know them better through school.

Or, he might not want to go play with them when you're there, because he wants to stay with Mommy, who is his rock, until he's used to school and his new friends. One way to know if it's this is to ask the teachers how he is not just in class, but at recess/play time. Does he engage with others in those circumstances? If yes, he just wants to be with Mommy as much as possible. After all, it's a big transition for him.

With all this, and especially if teachers say he's handling play time well, I wouldn't worry about it at least for the next couple of months.

Hope this helps,
K.

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J.G.

answers from New York on

I have similar issues with my daughter. It can be difficult. She doesn't seem to be able to break into a group. I don't know what to do. Playdates don't seem to really matter. She does very well in school and "structured" environments, but can't seem to break into the group at recess or any free time.
You're not alone! Let us know if any of the advice you receives works. Good Luck

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G.H.

answers from New York on

I know in my area there are child psychologist that run small "playgroups" to actually teach social skills. Usually it's two to five children and they role play, practice social situations or just actually play while the psychologist makes observations to determine the best way to intervene. I don't know if you are at this level of concern but it's an idea.
Also I used to teach 1st grade and this is a common concern. I know you said you're not interested in the playdate thing but if you ask the teacher specifically what kids your child seems to click with in class and really focus on having your child play with them makes a huge difference. Keep having the same 2 or 3 kids over one at a time and then your child will be able to build other friendships from a small base. Many kids don't like the large group situation, too many variables. You child may enjoy being with only one or two kids at a time and feel really secure and happy that way.

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C.M.

answers from Rochester on

Have you tried walking over to where the kids are and interacting with them? Perhaps if you stay close by where the kids are playing so that he can always see you would help. I agree with the forcing, but stop doing everything for him and give him some independence. Independence is a big thing for our little ones. My daughter is 5 and is very social. Hope this helps.

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T.C.

answers from Buffalo on

I use to take my son to playgrounds near nursery schools so that many children would come out to play and then i would tell him exactly what to say to a specific child he was usually two years older and less itimidated but still hesitent. I would let him share something at times with other children this also broke the ice. I used many different tactics depending on the situations as he always came back and forth at first to share what the kids had to say I basically gave him information it worked he is 16 and very outgoing also he carries on conversationally better than I do Young Minds so much information:)

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N.L.

answers from New York on

L.,

You are correct to care about your son developing social skills. It's true that for the most part kids will catch up at their own pace, but it doesn't mean you can't help him along. I am glad for what you are doing already to help him (play dates, encouraging him to join and giving him the words to use). Other suggestion, ask him questions about his classmates. What's the boy's name in the red shirt? Where does he live? What does he enjoy doing? Does he raise his hand in class? etc. Try to keep the questions concrete but the point in it is to arouse his curiosity about what he may not know about X peer and at the same time affirm that he does know some things about X peer. Doing this will heighten his power of observation as a way of learning about people and he will find himself in whatever similarities (things in common) he has with this kid or the other one, thereby building his confidence that he is enough "like them" to play in all the reindeer games. Meanwhile, definitely see that kids are into and be sure dad is helping him master X skill or game. Hope this helps and Thank you for being a concerned parent in this day and age. -N.

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G.T.

answers from Rochester on

He will probably not approach other kids while you're there. He has no reason to, he has you for a playmate. Try leaving. Go just far enough away so he can't see you anymore but you can see him. And see what he does.

We went thru this with one of my granddaughters. She did not want to play with anyone and would cry when we dropped her off. But only as long as she thought we could see her. She stopped crying once she thought we couldn't see her anymore and went and played with the other kids.

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E.B.

answers from New York on

I would say to just give it some time. I had the same kind of thing with my first born. He didn't even seem to know the names of the kids in his class in his 3's year, although the teachers said that he definitely did, and that he would play with them at school. The second year of preschool was a time of incredible social growth for him, and I see it continuing still. By the time kindergarten rolled around he was ready for it. Now he's in 1st grade and while he is clearly not the most intuitive kid socially, he has good friends and he is definitely part of the "community" of his classroom and the school. He is still a person who needs his alone time. Being with other kids-especially in groups, and especially in unstructured contexts--takes energy for him, and he needs to recharge by being alone.

What I learned (after much fretting and consulting with shrinks) is that kids are people with personalities, and my kid's personality made him socially different than most other kids. Not all kids want to play in the same situation. It might be stressful for your son to play before school, in which case he can sit it out (kindof the way I sat out frat parties in college?). I've learned that in some ways, my son is not "standard." Instead of trying to standardize him, I've shifted my focus to helping him blossom as who he is--to know himself and understand the social context around him so that he can learn to navigate the world and find success and happiness in the near and distant future.

I hope that resonates and helps a little!

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J.K.

answers from New York on

L.
I found that if I dropped my son off before the a lot of
other kids were there, he had more time to get acclimated to the enviroment. He too did not like going into the class when all the other kids were already playing, but if he was there first, he did better. I know it can be hard to get there earlier (mornings are crazy), but if you can try it for a week or two it may help.

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