Almost 7 Year Old Waking up During the Night..... Help!

My daughter - now 11 - would wake in the night when she was 8 and 9 years old. It was so frustrating! This is what helped her -

1 - we talked things through and I found out that she had fears from things she had seen on TV and those fears were coming out in her dreams at night. We talked them through and were able to calm her fears.

2 - We invested in a cheap but cute and effective nightlight for her room - one that comes on automatically when it is dark and goes off when it is light.

3 - We set up a reward system. If she could stay in her bed all night we gave her a sticker in a jar that I drew on a posterboard. When the jar was filled she got a reward - like a visit to Build-A Bear or a day at the roller skating rink.

Good luck - remember that there is a reason and she is not doing it out of spite. Even if she has jealousy toward the time you are spending with her sister, she can't help the waking up at night. Be patient - it will pass.

Hi
How about a cool new night light to help her feel a little safer. Also you could keep a calander and give her a star / sticker for each night she stays in her own bed for the whole night. 1 week = icecream date with mom. If you make the reward something she wants (ie time with you), she might be motivated.
Good luck

Your poor daughter. At this age, kids need to be given security and reassurance that mom & dad can make everything OK, not punished for sharing their insecurities, even if they seem ridiculous to us, they are very real to them. I really believe that if you slept in bed with her when she wakes up scared for a couple of nights and be gentle with her, she would over come this much easier than if you are harsh with her. You never know what she might have heard on the news, with all the kid nappings, mom's leaving their kids and not caring that they might be dead somewhere, uncles kidnapping and molesting then killing kids, my goodness, if I were a kid and heard this stuff on TV I would not sleep either. If she is not hearing it on the news, you have to realize the active imagination is so heightend at this stage of life. Don't ignore her cries for comfort, you will create an insecure little girl that will grow to be an insensitive and uncompassionate adult. Remember to respect what she is going through, children live what they learn! Read to her from the Bible about David and Goliath and how God helped David conquer the giant and gave him strength, then explain to her that He will do the same for her over her fears!
Good luck to your sweet little girl and know that it is temporary, just be very careful how you choose to handle it!
God bless you!

First, make sure nothing is truly "wrong" or that she is not acting out because maybe something happened to her at school etc. Talk with her.

Second, she told you she's afraid of the dark and being alone. So, you need to respect her feelings and appreciate that she can even express herself to you. A child NEEDS to know that their feelings are Validated...thus, they can trust the Parent as well and know that they are being heard and can share their feelings without judgment.

Third, there is no reason to "punish" her for being afraid of the dark. It will NOT work. My girl is 5 going on 6 years old... she is ALSO afraid of the dark, or of the noises outside, or of sleeping by herself too. For us, once my girl knows that she is comforted by us, and that she is "safe" and Daddy goes outside to check the noises (he does this to assure our girl & doesn't mind), then she rests and sleeps better. Sometimes, she will come in our room, and sleep on the extra futon we have in our room, or on the floor. We don't mind.

It is a phase. On and off, from the time our girl was a toddler, there would be times when she is just afraid of the dark. It's normal. My friends kids are the same way.

She may just be needing you more now... and feels alone. An "elder" child has a LOT to adjust too as well.... they often feel lots of pressure on them, being the oldest, that they have to be "perfect" and can't be a "baby" anymore, and have to always "help" the younger baby, and help and do everything more...since they are the oldest. Elder children have a lot of "responsibilities" and "expectations" put upon them...whether or not they are ready.

Sometimes a child can ALSO have stress.... I know a child that this happened too and it was very sad... this child told me all this, and she was 7 years old as well & had younger siblings. But, she refused to talk with her parents because she said "they never listen to me anyway... and I get blamed for everything...." She had lost all trust and hope in her Parents that they would be there for her.

Not saying this is you. But, kids are tender... even if it seems irritating to us... they need what we are not providing sometimes.

Unless your girl has not been through anything traumatic lately, or if anything at school or friends are not bothering her....then, it is probably just a childhood phase they go through. At this age, they STILL get afraid of the dark. I know I did as well, at that age.

Perhaps, ask her teacher how things are at school, with your girl or if anything is wrong there as well? Or ask the teacher about what is going on...

All the best,
Susan

Hi D. S:
First,I understand your frustration. When we are deprived of our sleep,and are unable to discover a solution for our children,we just become lost as what to do.First, Your,daughter is far to old to CIO. She is able to communicate her feelings to you,therefore,its completely unessasary for her to go through the drama,and you and your husband to lose sleep.In your daughters eyes,you are punishing her,for being scared of the dark (for her weaknesses)This obviously isn't productive,nor compassionate. She was open and honest with you,in discribing her fears,and you should be trying your best to calm those fears.I 'm not saying you have done this, but you never ever belittle your childs fears of the dark,or force her to stay in a darkened room,merely because you feel shes too old to be scared.At 7 years old, children develope a whole new set of fears.While younger children may see (boogie men) or just be afraid of being separated from their parents,older children,have more realistic fears.They have heard or seen stories of bad people who break into homes at night,they may have seen a clip of a show,or had a teacher warn them about bad people who may try to kidnap them and take them from their parents.Its important,to talk to her and find out exactly where those fears come from,and then its up to you to calm those,so she can be at peace. Right now, not only is she still scared,but she now feels she has to suppress those fears,or she runs the chance of being punished for thinking them.You could begin,by reasuring her that you and dad are a ears length away. You are close by her,and won't let anything happen to her.You need to get her a night light,or leave the door ajar,with a hall light on.If laying with her till she falls asleep,helps her feel secure,you should do that.Eventually,you will calm her fears,not have the need to lay with her,and eliminate the lights.This is a temporary problem,but you need to handle it correctly for a resolve,and not only to preserve a good nights sleep,but to help your daughter overcome,what shes going through right now.I wish you and your darlin daughter the very best.

As an adult, I remember a handful of times I was so frightened by a nightmare, that I had the urge to wake up my husband for a hug. And I'm an adult! It happens.

With your daughter, I would definitely crawl into bed with her. It's not a bad idea. You are afraid that this will turn into a habit. It will not.

My son is 8 and I used to co-sleep with him till he was 5. At that point, he told me he didn't need me anymore. (I don't believe in CIO and just meeting their nighttime needs for closeness made more sense to me that it turning into a power struggle - where everyone is up and no one sleep - was much more sane.) But once in a rare while he will wake up with a bad dream.

Usually he gets me and he just needs to be tucked back in. No problem. Once in a rare rare while, he'll ask me to crawl back in with him. I did that last week. I was dozing off and after an hour he said, "I'm fine now mom." so I left (i.e., he wasn't very comfortable).

When children and adults are afraid, they go into "fight or flight." Their body goes into HIGH alert (hardly a relaxed state). Then she goes to you for help, and you are tired, frustrated and probably cranky and you start threatening her (no judgement, we have all been there). Unfortunately, that does not take her out of the "red zone" (Mary Sheedy Kurcinka explains this in her great book SLEEPLESS IN AMERICA
http://www.parentchildhelp.com/

It keeps her on "high alert" (fight or flight) for 2-3 hours. This is insanity. You need to get her back in the green zone (relaxed and feeling safe). If people are in fight or flight, they fly off the handle and say things they don't mean (adults and children do this, things escalate...)

If she just needs cuddling to go back to sleep, do it. You are completing 2 things when you do this. 1) she has her needs met and feels better about her place in the family - she feels loved instead of rejected (again)
2) everyone gets back to sleep faster and stays that way

I also have a 4 year old. Both are in twins in the same room. My daughter is on a twin on the floor and I cuddle with her till she conks out. Then I leave the room. She may wake up at 5-6 am looking for me and I quietly walk her back (no arguments, no fighting, no threatening) and we cuddle back to sleep. She's asleep in 5 minutes usually. I usually just stay.

It will not last forever and I just enjoy it for what it is. :)

Aletha Solter said "all misbehavior is due to unmet needs" so meet her needs. :)
http://www.awareparenting.com/articles.htm

Threatening her with a lack of privileges isn't working. It's just making her feel worse. So practice holding your tongue at night and helping her feel safe and relaxed again.

All three of my kids (9,6 & 4)go through periods when they wake during the night. There is a reason, so please don't punish her. Imagine having a nightmare, needing comfort, and all you get is punishment. She may be almost 7, but she is still a young child who has needs. When mine get up, it varies on what they need to be soothed back to sleep. Sometimes it's as simple as cuddling for a minute or two & sometimes for 20 minutes, and sometimes just a pat on the back. I also take them to go potty, as sometimes it is what wakes them, but they don't connect it when they are sleepy. If your child feels pushed away & not cared about, it will only make matters worse. She'll not only wake from whatever is waking her, but then she'll have added stress about upsetting you. Try soothing her very lovingly, telling her everything is okay & that you are there for her, and I bet you'll see positive results before you know it!

Just think, crawling into bed with her for just a few minutes or a few hours is much easier on all of you than being awake 2-3 hours during the night!

Come from a loving place & this will pass. She may go through this off & on until she is grown. THIS IS NORMAL!!!

First of all, why would you punish your daughter for being afraid of the dark? Or waking up in the middle of the night? There is nothing wrong with crawling into bed to comfort your little one for her to feel safe. She is going through an emotional upheavel but is too young to put words to her distress. Waking up is the most common form of issues going on, school is also starting up, correct? Turning seven means more imformation to process. It sounds like you are more concerned about your beauty sleep then comforting her. Moms listen up!! If you all thought you were going to get eight hours of undistrubed sleep when you had a baby, think again. It is your job for the next eighteen years to comfort, console, and educate your little ones. The best thing you can say to her is, "honey, mommy is here for you day and night, if you need me come and wake me up, because I love you and want to be there for you", and then be your word!! Motherhood is not an eight hour job, it means dragging your butt out of bed...I know I've been doing it for ten years!! One last thing do you have night lights? and a regular bedtime? Please don't punish her and let her cry it out, bad idea!! Thank you for your time in reading this, signed, S. a very happy mom in Porter Ranch!

My daughter did this too. I say help her through this, don't get mad at her, this is real for her. She needs to know that you are there for her and she can trust you with her fears. I was concerned too. I let her come in our room and sleep on a cushy spot next to my side of the bed when she woke up. She grew out of it and is a well adjusted 25 year old now.

You actually punished her for this? Seriously? You don't punish a child for being afraid. Your daughter isn't misbehaving, she is AFRAID! You don't make a child this age cry it out, either. My heart is breaking for this poor kid! She is so afraid she can't sleep, and instead of comforting her and doing what you can to make her feel safe and secure, sleeping with her, talking to her and trying to figure out what is wrong, you are concerned about you and your husband not getting enough sleep. You are her mom. Stop focusing on yourself and figure out what is going on in your daughter's world to cause her sleepless nights. This is about her, not you.

I went through something similar with my older 2 when they were younger. It turned out, when at a cousin's house, they saw a rated R movie - pretty scary. So, they were afraid to sleep. So, for about a 2 month period, they both slept in our room. After a while, it faded and they were back in their room. Perhaps something happened and she really is afraid of something? Just a thought.

Hi,
My 5 1/2 year old has done the same. We made up a little prayer asking God to take away her fears, wrap his arms around her and keep her safe. Works like a charm (and I have a stubborn kid.)
Give it a shot!
Good Luck,
T.

Hello,
I have 2 sons that are also 4 & 6 1/2. Try putting them in 1 bedroom so that they could sleep together. It builds a great bond between them and security. I guess at that age they go through a lot of changes and wanting attention (which is OK as long as they know they are loved). Like starting 1st grade with the big kids soon might be a problem with their emotional feelings. Please don't let her cry it out or punish her. Just talk to her. Ask her what is the problem. Ask her is she would like to be in the same room with her sister (when she gets better). Or ask her how she is feeling (health wise). I have never believed in alone time with a child. They both need to know they are loved the same so therefore they should be getting your attention at the same time. Involve them while making dinner, grocery shopping, reading a book at night to both before going to bed, etc. Ask them about their day at dinner time. You'll be amazed about the things they talk about. Have fun and good luck.

Is she having nightmares that you know of or did anything happen to scare her recently? After the earthquake the other week, my 8 year old had trouble for a few nights. We had to leave the hall light on, fill her bed with stuffed animals and spray febreze in her room to help her relax.. She also wanted to sleep in our room but we said no. Maybe something woke her up a few nights ago and now she is afraid of an earthquake? Kids can have delayed reactions to events. is your daughter the worrying type? You can try letting her sleep with a flashlight or glow stick too. I've had luck with those before.

If she is afraid of the dark and scared, I would not punish her by taking things away or fussing at her. Teach her how to pray at night when she is scared. Help her learn how to self soothe. Tell her that she can go somewhere in the house and read a book until she gets sleepy. This way you won't have to keep waking up. Good luck.

Hang a string of Christmas lights up in her room. It is fun and dissipates the dark. Also, her bladder may be waking her up. So, encourage her to go to the bathroom before bed and if she wakes up. Then, put her directly back to bed. This is what I've done with my seven year old, and so far so good. Good luck!

Maybe this summer her schedule is getting a little messed up and she is staying up too late?? Or maybe watching too much tv - We don't have the TV on at all during the day except PBS when I am making dinner, but when watching sports at a friends house, I was appalled at the commercials for horror films that they have on - right in the middle of the day!!! I immediately directed my kids to another activity. Most people don't even realize it, but these scary clips can be really frightening to little kids!! I think she may have something going on that she is having a hard time processing. Be sympathetic (I know it is hard) but she will get through it faster if she is validated.

I am sure that you are tired and all but your child just needs to know that she is validated. If during the day you have to give more attention to the other child this child then is thinking that she will get your attention at night while the other child is sleeping. Remember children have a funny way of thinking and you must always try to think the way the child is thinking and you might come up with a solution to the problem. I could be wrong but, if you and your husband start listening to how your child reacts during the day you will get your clue. You might even want to have the older child partake in some of the responsibility for the other child. It works.

Do you have a night light in her room? My oldest son needed one on when he was that age. He also would wake up sometimes and need me to sit on the edge of the bed and sing a few songs and rub his back. He usually would then fall back to sleep. Also if she shares the room with little sister it seems being alone is not the case and you can tell her sister is right in the room. I would try a night light and also you could get a little disk player or I was going to say tape recorder, but not sure they even sell them anymore (shows my age) and put on soothing music. It won't hurt anything if it stays on after she is asleep and you can show her how to turn it on if she feels she wants it. Classic lullabies probably would be good.
It can just be insecurity and need for assurance that you are available. My youngest son (I have three) use to come and crawl into my bed when he woke up and then after he was asleep I would have to carry him back to his bed. I think setting up a soft blanket for her and having her bring her pillow next to your bed if she doesn't settle down when you sing and rub her back would not be bad. They grow out of things like that quickly. My son only kept crawling in my bed for about a half year (seemed longer at the time:)
I hope everything resolves itself quickly and your younger daughter get well fast.
H.

Hi D. S, because she is 7 there is no reason for you and your husband to get up with her, and you are right crawling in to her bed with her is a bad idea, try putting a night lig ht in her room, my kids had a fish tank with a blue light, and it was very soothing for them. She probably is a little jealous of her little sister that's normal, but I don't think jealously is going to wake you up out of a sound sleep, so I would just sit down with her with a pen and paper and write down all the things that make her afraid of the dark, and then one at a time you and her eliveate the things on the list. Night lights are good fish aquariums are great. J.

There are lots of things you can do. I would suggest picking up the book, The No-Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley. Also, keep in mind that children go through periods when their sleep is disrupted because they are learning new things or going through growing spurts. This may be the case with your daughter. I doubt that it is something that she is doing deliberately, so I don't think that punishing her will help. Maybe you can rub her back or tell her that you will lay with her for 5-10 minutes, then you need to go to sleep. Give her some quiet alternative, such as reading a book, while she is lying there awake. Chances are she will read herself right back to sleep. Just be sure to express that she has to be very quiet because night-time is for sleeping and everyone in the house is sleeping and may not be woken up. Good luck and hang in there.

She's almost seven. Get her a teddy bear and a night light and tell her that it's absolutely not acceptable to get up at night. (Unless, of course she has to go potty or something.)

Hi DSS,
I know it's so hard when you're not getting adequate sleep. We all need our rest, even Mammas! I'm sure you already have a night light in your daughter's room so maybe you could ask her what she needs to feel safe in her room besides you. Also, talk to her about her fears, so maybe you can reassure her. You may want to consider rewarding her for staying her in bed and going back to sleep on her own. You catch more bees with honey, so to speak.
With my step kids (previous marriage) I would walk them back to bed and lie in bed with them until they feel asleep and then I'd go back to bed (sometimes I feel asleep in there beds). They didn't do it very often and would go right back to sleep when I'd go with them. I think at that age they are really starting to develop a sense of fear, so she probably is legitimately afraid. Another thing I did was give my step son a dream catcher, which he liked.
Best of luck and I'm sure this phase will pass soon!
S. G.

Dear D. S,

Well, you could have a night light, be sure the closet door is closed (that was my daughter's request) and have some soft music playing . Have a special teddy bear for her to cuddle, maybe take her to a shop and buy the one that she choses for her night time buddy. Um, she is 7 so you can talk with her and tell her that you and Dad need to sleep, and so does she. Night time is for sleeping and day time is for .....and so on, you know what to say.

Good luck, you are doing the right things, punishing isn't worth the struggle and like you say, does not work. Fill her with good feelings and you are trying to do that. So continue.
Good luck, C. N.