Advice on Sex Life

Don't feel bad when I first had my son I had a very low sex drive too. I'm not too much of a romantic either. I've never really been. It'll get better over time.

Total bottom on my to-do list! Don't know why, but grabbing butts and boobs isn't getting me in the mood either...DUH! I don't know what to tell you, except you're not alone!

I have a low sex drive and I thought is because my hormones are out of wack from having a baby but she will be 1year in a couple of weeks!! My husband does romantic thing and i still just happy happy but no sex drive and he accuse me of having a boyfriend so i dont know what to tell him because i dont have a boyfriend i was think about going to the doctor to see a bout hormones or something but you are not alone

I have been married for 32 yrs and it's not too often that you and your partner hit a happy medium where you are both ready at the same time, BUT if you can talk about it and tell each other when you enjoy it most and what turns you on and what DOESN'T, maybe explain to him that when he treats you respectfully and lovingly, you feel more free and relaxed and loving toward him.... and when he helps you out with the house and kids, you are not so tired and feel more appreciated...and when you feel more appreciated, you feel more sexual and loving toward him, but when you are doing it all, you feel frustrated and resentful. Tell him that instead of the grabbing gesture you would really love it if he would take you in his arms and hold you close and give you a loving kiss. Men DO NOT know what you want unless you SPELL it out for them in detail! lol. And if there is something that he DOES do that you like, compliment him on it often and he will try even harder in that area. They are just like kids when you are teaching them correct behavior, the more you brag on them, the harder they will try to please you, but if you yell or demean them, they will give up or get angry. They really have no clue that you don't like something unless you tell them, but not too harshly or it threatens their manhood so if you can give them a substitute to try instead of putting them down, it works much better. Men think about sex mostly physically and women think about it mostly emotionally and it is hard for us to separate the 2 so we bring all other parts of our lives into it. The key to a good sex life is communication. I hope this helps.

I won't go into all the details...but, all you ladies are not alone. I'm 43, and peri-menopausal! Mood swings, "2-fers", as in 2 periods a month! Yikes! They can stop anytime, thanks! When we have sex, it is as great as the first time. But, it's either I'm too tired or he is. I'm just glad that we aren't gauging our marriage on how many times a month we have sex.
Here's a question: What's a girl to do when she gets "horny" @ 1:30 in the afternoon,and her husband is at work?! I guess that's where all the jokes come from the mailman,milkman and ups guy come from!!! The next time it happens, I'll call my husband home for an "emergency"!!!LOL Good Luck Ladies!!
Glad the boat is big enough for all of us!!!

NO YOU ARE CERTAINLY NOT THE ONLY ONE. I HAVE FELT THE SAME WAY AS YOU! YOU ARE JUST SO BUSY AND SO TIRED THAT IT IS THE LAST THING ON YOUR MIND. AND I AM ALWAYS UP SO LATE THAT BY THE TIME I MAKE IT TO BED I AM READY TO DROP NOT PLAY AROUND. MY HUSBAND WILL WAIT AROUND UNTIL 11:30 - 12 (WHICH IS NORMAL BEDTIME FOR US) AND THEN DECIDE HE WANTS TO DO SOMETHING, AAAGGGHHH! I KEEP TELLING HIM THAT IF HEWANTS TO DO SOMETHING WE NEED TO GO TO BED EARLIER, WE BOTH WORK FULL TIME. AND THAT BY THAT TIME OF NIGHT I AM SO TIRED AND IT IS NOT EVEN ENJOYABLE FOR ME, AND THAT IS THE WAY I FEEL IS THAT IF I AM NOT GOING TO ENJOY IT WHY DO IT? I ENJOY SEX WITH HIM WHEN WE DO IT SO IT IS NOT THAT. I MAKE IT A POINT AT LEAST ONCE A WEEK AND IT IS USUALLY ON THE WEEKEND TO GO TO BED EARLY ENOUGH AND DO A LITTLE "FLIRTING" TO GET HIM THERE. SPICE IT UP A LITTLE, BUY SOME SEXY LINGERIE OR IF YOU HAVE SOME PUT IT ON, IT DOES MAKE YOU FEEL SEXIER, EVEN IF IT ONLY STAYS ON FOR A FEW MINUTES! BUY SOME "TOYS" FOR THE BEDROOM, DOES NOT NECESSARILY HAVE TO BE BIG ONES, START WITH SMALL ITEMS: LOTIONS, MASSAGE OILS, WARMING GELS, ETC. THEN WORK YOUR WAY UP TO A FEW SMALL TOYS THAT YOU CAN USE TOGETHER. THESE ARE SOME THINGS THAT I DID AND THEY DID WORK. ANYHOW LET ME KNOW IF YOU WANNA CHIT CHAT SOME MORE AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY EMAIL! 6 KIDS!!!! GIRL HOW DO YOU DO IT MY 3 WEAR ME OUT :) S.

A woman's sex drive will have its ups and downs. When I don't feel like it I just explain to my husband that at the moment I really don't feel sexual and I will let him know that it isn't him. It is me and I have no clue what is going on. As for the slapping on the behind; I would ask him to stop. Tell him that it makes you uncomfortable and afraid to bend over b/c you are afraid that you are going to hit your head. Please keep me post or e-mail me at ____@____.com

Okay... I haven't read other's responses, so I'm going out on a limb here...

First and foremost, I understand you are VERY busy (to say the least!) with being a SAHM with SIX kids (yikes, how do you do it?) And I think it's normal for sex to be at the bottom of the list right now... BUT... it is also unhealthy for your marriage. If you WANT to want sex and that closeness w/ your husband, you need to talk to your doctor about it. There could be something going on w/ hormones... IDK, I'm not an expert by any means...

And w/ the butt grabbing thing... it used to bother me and I felt EXACTLY the same way... but then a very close (and older) friend of mine who lost her husband said something to me that got me thinking...

What's going to happen when your husband gets sick of hearing you complain about "the only time you show affection is when you grab me." What happens when he isn't around? And if that is his only way he shows affection, how are you going to feel when he stops?

That made me think about it really hard.

My husband loves me... he finds me attractive and I (sorry if this is offensive) but I "turn him on" like all the time.

Honestly... what's so wrong with that? Don't you as a woman (not a mother or wife) but a WOMAN want a man (esp. the one you love) to find you so attractive he can't keep his hands off you?!?!

I've changed my mind set completely and started playing along. Now I even grab him =P

My kids see us kiss and they get all "grossed out" but I think it's healthy for them to know that mommy and daddy love each other.

And another thing... I don't want sex all the time either!!! And he knows that! And he's okay with that! It's not about sex ALL THE TIME. It's about showing one another you love them and that you are still attracted to each other.

Come on... I don't mean to sound mean or rude, but lighten up. You would be surprised if you played along w/ the understanding that sex isn't always going to happen. Again, it's not always about sex... he's trying (in his own man way) to show you he finds you SEXY. He's a guy... and you said you're not into romance that much... what else do you expect?

So, okay, what if he stops? Then what...

(hearing crickets)

Nothing... exactly.

Do you really not want affection in your marriage? (again... he's a GUY. That IS how they show it.)

I hope this helps shine a new light and again, I didn't mean to sound rude, but I was there years ago. And now we have an even more healthy marriage because I changed my mind set and he began to understand how tired I was and that we weren't going to be one of those couples that do it every night.

Best of luck!
~K.

I am SAHM also. I have four daughters. I have been exactly where you are. The only advice I can give you is to sit down and really talk to your husband about how you're feeling. He needs to know exactly whats going on with you. When you leave too much unsaid, people start to draw their own conclusions. Put yourself in his shoes...and in turn he needs to try to do the same. If the roles were reversed, what would you be thinking? I know what my husband was thinking...cause he told me when we sat down to talk about it. He told me that he just thought I wasn't happy with him (sexually). And he thought I wasn't attracted to him anymore. I never wanted him to feel that way. My husband does the same thing to me when I bend over. EVERY TIME. That is his way of expressing his attraction for you. When he stops doing that...thats when you need to worry. (lol) It's a man thing. But seriously, talk to him, let him know what you need. I think you two need to spend some much needed alone time together. Intimate time, but not necessarily sex. I think (or at least in my case) the problem is that as SAHM's we tend to lose ourselves. We become "mom" or "babe" (or whatever your husband calls you) and we forget to do things for ourselves, take time for ourselves...BE ourselves. Stop trying so hard to make everyone else happy and figure out what makes YOU happy. You're entitled every once in awhile. This will pass...I promise. But, you should talk with your husband and so he understands a little better what you need and then you don't have to do this alone. I hope I have been of some help. I wish you the best.

A. R.

i went through the same thing, it is partly due to pure exaustion from caring for kids all day. the last thing you want to do is satisfy another person. the thing you have to remember is that if you are satisfied you will also feel better. once you get going again you wont want to stop. everytime i start feeling pissy i realize why, cause i havent had sex. after having sex i go from a lion to a kitty cat. i also had some hormonal issues (that im still dealing with) but having more sex has helped. sometimes you have to force yourself to do it - but it is oooh so worth it!
good luck and God Bless!

Oh dear M., how I totally understand where you are coming from! I am so there too! I love my husband soooo much but he says he would be happy if he had sex twice a day! What?? Is he on crack???? There is NO WAY that is going to happen. I would say i would be happy with once every two weeks, but not him.
He does the run by butt grabs and everything else he can grab. It used to really bug me too. I told him that it bugs me, but then he said, I wish you would do that to me. So, I started doing it to him (only when the baby is up so he doesn't get the idea i want sex!!!! ha ha ha) and I noticed the more I do it to him the less he does it to me! So i do it a LOT now!
The other thing my husband does that upsets me is he will email me article from cnn.com about sex. They always deal with the woman not wanting sex and the man wanting it more. The articles always say how the woman needs to come up to speed with the man and gives hints on how the woman can do that. Why do we need to come up to speed with the man? Why can't the man knock it down a notch??? Speaking of my wonderful hubbie sending me those emails, he just sent me one two days ago from cnn.com about a new book coming out. It is some sort of book on how to "work out while having sex". We have both started working out, so he thought I might have more interest in sex if i considered it working out! HA HA HA. Again, not so much!
As for sex, I am still looking for some sort of magical cure to make me want it as much as he does. Where is that sexual peak women are suppose to get in their 30's? I think it has skipped me! It probably hit while i was pregnant or going through post partum with my luck!
I did talk to my doctor (of course he is a man, so he is on my husbands side) and he said, the more often you have sex the more you will want it. HA! I don't think so!
It is just sooooo hard to slow down my brain and get my body to change gears. I am so tired by the end of the day i would LOVE to cuddle, but that seems to be a male sign for "let's have sex".
I totally feel your frustration. If you want to email me feel free. I don't think I can be of much help as I am still searching for the answer.
The one thing that has stuck in my mind for the last two years is something Dr. Phil said on one of his shows about husband and wives sex lifes: The best thing for a child is for his mom and dad to have a wonderful sex life. So many marriages break up over sexual tension and the best thing is for mom and dad to show love and affection and have sex.
Obviously I didn't quote Dr Phil as it has been a few years since I heard that, but it has stuck with me. Still, I have a hard time having sex all the time!

After our first child, my sex drive went way down and it didn't matter to me, I was perfectly fine without it, but my husband of course didn't understand. It turned into a huge problem because he got all worried and even though I tried to explain to him, nothing mattered. About 6 months after our daughter was born I told him that I didn't want sex to be a chore and I was sorry that that was what it felt like and could we just do other things, like go on a date, without having to worry about what was going to happen later. I would leave him little notes that he'd find when he left for work and I'd send him messages on his phone, just stupid little things, but it was like we had to start back at square one like when we were dating. It took a little bit, but I found that just going to do things without an agenda made it feel better and slowly my sex drive came back and I am now pregnant with our second daughter.
I, of course, didn't have 6 kids to look after, but maybe just starting to do little things slowly will help and talk to him about grabbing your butt, because that is so annoying.....I don't know why men feel the need to do that! Tell him that it bothers you and if anything is not helping the situation.
All in all, I think women are built so differently than men and we could probably go without sex when instead it is like a lifeline for them!

Good luck!

Hi M.,

The man that I have been with for the last 3 years, I am almost 31 yrs old. He is almost 40 now. When we first started being together, Oh My, the sex was great. He is divorced with 3 children, I am single with one. I lost my sex drive after having my son, but as soon as I had my hysterectomy, (4 yrs later) I got it back.

What I can tell you is I am really with you about the grabbing. Althought we do not have sex as often as we used to, it is not that we don't want to. One night he is too tired the next night i am too tired. It is a never ending story. But what bothers me is that he is what I call a "Tittie Man" he is infactuated with breasts. So needless to say he is constantly grabbing mine, When I give him a hug he unsnaps my bra, when he is on the couch and i bend down to give him a kiss, yep you got it. Finally I had enough and told him that " I am a woman, not a pair of boobs" I was actually to the point where I was very angry. I was so tired of being treated like a piece of meat.

The best thing I can tell you is to tell him how that makes you feel. tell him that he needs to understand your needs too. And sometimes being grabbed is not what you need. let him know it doesn't turn him on, then let him know what does turn you on. But make it quite clear.

That is what I did. And now when I give a hug, i get a hug back, and when I give a kiss, I get a kiss back.

Good Luck

K.

No wonder you have no sex drive! Who can really be enticed with 6 children to care for?!?! I am only 26 and I haven't felt like doing much with my husband since my youngest daughter, who is now 2, was born. He's also got the habit of grabbing me, thinking that it will get me in the mood or something. Who knows why they think it's sexy? It's a mystery to every woman. Every once in awhile, and believe me the thought is very few and far between, I almost consider it a compliment in his twisted man-way that he still finds me sexy after having 3 children. I would prefer hearing verbal compliments over his eyes bugging out when he sees my boobs, but sometimes we have to take what we're given. I do sometimes worry about the repercussions of turning him down too much, but that doesn't scare me enough to do it when I don't feel like it. If flat out telling him what you need to be put in the mood doesn't work, then let him find out the hard way. Ask every now and then for him to do something that you like, and he'll learn in the process how to push your buttons (in a good way). Stick with what you are comfortable doing, and after 5 years, he should know that women are the boss, not men. I don't really have much advice other than that, but I hope you find what works for you!

I think part of the problem is that you are becoming what he would like you to be instead of being yourself. Many moms are better off working outside of the house because they have the skill to balance parenting and working at the same time. I have many friends who became better wives and parents when they began to work outside the home. You don't seem to enjoy the SAHM thing, even though by most standards, it is a privaledge to to be able to do that. However, your worth needs to be measured as well and if working is sexy and SAHM is not, then by all means, go back to sexy. If you do not feel sexy and do not see the value in what you are doing and you feel a lesser individual, then you are not going to want to have sex because you do not feel good about yourself. I had the same issues because I didn't feel that I was doing all I could do professionally and personally. I am a better mom when I am working because I have a sense of self-worth, even though it can be exhausting. My husband would rather I quit so he can "be the man" and support the family, and believe me, I am a teacher and he makes 10 times what I do, but I need to feel needed and valued by others. It's hard to feel valued when you do not value the SAHM position yourself. I love my career and even though it makes my husband crazy watching me recieve accolades for my work with children and his jealousy over working with other men who value my work, I need to do it for me. He is going to have to get over his competitive nature to "be the man" and deal with it. By the way, this has decreased his sex drive significantly and I am constantly blamed for that as well, but eventually, he will stop with holding sex and blaming me and will find that I am a better, happier, more fulfilled person when I am working. He used to want to come home to a meal, king of his castle, complain if it wasn't what "sounded good" to him, laze around and gripe, then want to have sex to show his manliness. After all that griping at me and my working for nothing, I made a change to better myself. My husband will get over it, my kids love it, and I am a happier, hornier, sexier feeling woman who is appreciated at a level that I understand and respect. Sorry SAHM's, I did it, I did it well, but it was too depressing for me. I needed the competitive, rewarding fulfillment of a green paying job to feel complete.

I totally sympathize with you. I would have thought that I wrote that question, (if it wern't for the 18 kids!!)

I have virtually no sex drive, and my hubby is always grabbing me. How long will it take him to figure out that does NOT turn me on!!

I don't have any answers, but if you hear any good ones, I would love to know what they are! my email is ____@____.com, if you find anythign out, let me know!

Good luck with your search!
K.

I think as women we are just tired at the end of the day! Sex is the last thing on our minds, it's more like sleep is right there. Then when you do go to bed you have a hard time falling asleep because you are thinking about everything from the day and all that needs to be done for tomorrow! With men they go throw there day and their release is sex! They don't think about 100 things at once and they don't do a 100 things at one time. They are very simple and we all know the one thing that is on their mind the most is sex! I try very hard to help my husband understand that I love it when he admires my body ( I need it also because we all now how are bodies are after having a baby!), but also say to him, every time you think of doing something sexual to me can you also try to change it and complement me on the house or how well i do with our baby girl! He is very good at that and in return I try really hard to show affection back to him the way he would like it! But because I have explained things to him, he also understands how tired and stressed I am. You just need to remind him of how stressed you are, but that you love him and you do want to please him! With the butt grabing well just try to explain to him that this doesn't make you feel sexy at all and you really feel sexy when he complements you, that seemed to work with me! But sometimes they just want to touch what they have so just remember that when he does do it after you have talked to him! It's also called give and take, work together to fulfill each other!
Hope this works!

My husband and I read a book called Sheet Music by Dr. Lehman. He's the same guy that wrote Sex in the Kitchen (we haven't read that one yet). They are both Christian based. Anyway, we read Sheet Music and it really helped open our eyes to what the other one needed or wanted. The biggest thing is to be honest with yourself and each other.

M. B.
IF YOU GIVE HIM THE ATTENTION HE NEEDS, WHICH IS ONE OF WAYS THAT MEN ARE ABLE TO SHOW HOW MUCH THEY LOVE YOU, THEN U MIGHT BE ABLE TO GET A BETTER RESPONSE FROM HIM, SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO GIVE A LITTLE MORE. SET ASIDE M. TIME, YOUR CHILDREN RANGE FROM YOUNG ADULT TO TODDLER, THEY WILL UNDERSTAND, AND DON'T FEEL GUILTY, IT'S YOUR TIME. I'M 43 WITH 6 ONE FROM MY HUSBANDS PREVIOUS MARRIAGE,23 THEN 3 FROM MY PREVIOUS MARRIAGE 19,18,17,AND 2 BETWEEN US 9 AND 4, I'VE BEEN THERE STILL THERE AND IT GETS MORE??? BUT MY HUSBAND AND I HAVE COME TO A HAPPY MEDIUM FOR NOW THEN U GO ON TO THE NEXT STAGE WHATEVER THAT MAY BE. THEY WILL ALL PAY ATTENTION WHEN "U" TAKE M. TIME. M. LAST BUT NOT LEAST YOU'LL FEEL LIKE A NEW WOMAN THE ONE THAT'S SEES THAT GOOD LOOKING MAN, JUST TAKE THAT TIME.
CHARITY L.

FATIGUE!!!! You have a ton on your plate.

Girl that sucks and I'm definately felling you!! I had to tell my husband the other day that flicking my boob and grabbing my butt doesn't really fire me up! HELLO...pick up the house and I'll pounce on ya for that!!! hahahaha just kidding.

I have been exhausted ever since I had my last baby. He's 1 and I have a 4 year old. I have had low sex drive too. This might sound dumb, but my doc said drink more water, get more rest and take vitamins. That sounds to simple. I've been to tired to try it yet!! hahahaha

Happy fondeling ;-)

M. H.

Don't feel bad, I think we all go through something similar after childbirth...and I'm only 24. I read something about the baby temporarily replacing the part of our lives that we give all our attention to. Which makes sense, but it all just boils down to the fact that we're just not in he mood.
And I know that it must make my husband feel awful. I try to have sex (and appear like I want to) at least once a week. I look at as me doing something nice for him....and it's great exercise (lord knows I need that!)I also think that my low sex drive has a lot to do with my postpardum body-YUCK! I think once I have reached my normal weight and shape I will feel much better about myself and allow myself to be more into our sex life. I hope that helped in some way. If he keeps grabbing your butt, just spray him with water like you would a dog and maybe he'll stop :o) (I'm totally joking about the water thing!)
Good luck not getting any :o)
B.

Ok I know exactly where you are, my husband and I had this discussion the other day and I know how you feel. We only have one child and have been married for a year but we are already at that point. My suggestion is to sit down and talk to him about it if you can't do that then write a letter to him. That's what my husband and I do when we are too busy to talk or don't know how to word something. Also we have a set date night every week (which I know is easier done with one child) so we can kinda reconnect with one another. You are not alone in your thinking. I don't know very many moms especially who think of sex any if at all or who are just dying to go at it all the time. So you shouldn't feel bad about your feelings. I told my hubby that if he wants more action to help out more around the house. The less on my list of things to do/think about the more likely he is to get play. So far its working but you know men.... who knows how long it will last.

C.

I am just the opposite. I have a pretty high sex drive but my husband is at that level. I hate feeling like I'm constantly having to beg him for sex. It makes me feel like he isn't turned on by me anymore. So lately I've forced myself to not ask for it and try to turn him and....then just wait for him to get in the mood. That has gotten me sex 3 times in the last 2 1/2 mos.

I have a friend that is in your situation, and we used to talk about this all the time. I think you may want to go see a specialist. I know enough about female hormones to know that if your sex drive changes in ways like yours has....it's not just natural and can possibly be helped with the right tools. There are Doctors that specialize in this very thing. I will try to find the ones we looked up and let you know.

It may sound a little off the wall and personal but then again you wouldnt ask if you didnt want an honest response. I have never been a sexual person with anyone. I was invited to a passion party the thought of it made me kinda sick to my stomach to be honest but i went since my sis didnt want to go by herself. The truth of the matter I had a blast. Didnt know there was so much to learn and that majority of the people there werent into sex that much either. I think as mothers we get caught up in pleasing everyone else around us we lose sight of pleasing ourselves. Its hard to feel sexual when we dont feel sexy. Since my first passion party experience i have been to at least 6 this last 3 months and each one i learn something new. I have purchased several things for myself that are well worth the investment.Im not saying my sex life did 100% turn around but i can say my man aint complaining as much about the lack in the sex area. My sis is throwing a passion party Dec 4 your more than welcome to come if youd like Ill promise you will enjoy. Let me know and Ill let you know more details.

My hats are off to you all, it just sounds like we do a lot more than just sex in our relationships. Its just a shame that our husband and our s/o seem to think the importants of the relationship is sex. Don't get me wrong, Some days I just want to make love all day and somedays I don't even want to be touch. I can relate to all your stories as well as the next.
M. I feel for you with the responsibilies with all your children I can only believe you are exhausted at the end of the day. I applaud you for that. Men just look at sex differently than women. I know my s/o told me one night its not about getting his rocks off its about the contact. Well sometimes for me it just all about sex and no more. So I just want to say to him get it off and get off. because I am exhausted from my day. All we women can do is stay together and continue to support each other when needed. Good luck and you are in my prays. You and your family.
God Bless

Wow! There sure are a lot of responses on this... and very varied. I'm 46 and my experience with this is that I was peri-menopausal in my late 30s. It was impossible to feel sexy or not be worried about break thru bleeding during intercourse. It took several years of begging my doctor but he finally did a hysterectomy when I was 40 which often feels like the greatest thing that ever happened to me. Then it took a few more years to find the right HRT. A few years back a friend told me about Estratest which is an HRT as well as coming in a topical cream that is applied in the genital area. I didn't have to try the cream. The pill was enough. Then I started treating myself better, taking more time with my appearance or to pamper myself with a new outfit, getting out and socializing with other women a little, and my general outlook on life changed.

As for the butt grabbing, this must be a "man thing." I didn't realize so many women suffer with it. My husband (whom I later divorced due to him falling off the wagon) couldn't understand why I didn't like being groped when I was in the middle of something ("Gee, honey, I'm sorry you don't have anything better to do but I'm busy at the moment. Maybe you'd like to mess with hot pans and sharp knives while I goose you and get in your way for a change."). So then he just started kind of ignoring me. He would talk about current events or his day at work for a little while but didn't seem to hear anything I said or take me anywhere. However, he seemed to think I should still fall into bed ready to have sex. Being a very vocal person I was able to articulate how I felt about it but I've learned the difference between communicating and complaining is being able to suggest an alternative. So we agreed that I would make a conscious effort to give him some unexpected physical affection so he wouldn't feel the need to grab me. But there's also a lot to be said for children getting older and not requiring so much of our attention, energy and time, and that's just not your situation.

Anyhoo... I recommend talking with your doctor about a possible hormone imbalance or peri-menopause and whether the Estratest cream (or some other product) is a viable option specifically for you. Additionally I encourage you think of and suggest to your husband an alternative way for you to express affection to him outside of the bedroom on a regular basis. Finally, I hope you will go back to work or school at least part time or find some other way to reconnect and feel satisfied with your own self outside of your roles as mother and wife because how we feel about ourselves impacts everything else in our lives.

I have an issue anyways with sex. I was very promiscuous in my younger days, so I kind of got burnt out on sex. I have a 7 yr old daughter and 1 yr old son and school, two jobs, the house and the dogs, so I have tried to explain the whole "Im exhausted just dont touch me" but of course he doesnt understand. See he just got back from Afghanistan after being away for a year. So hes all about sex right now. I found just sitting in his lap if he have a free moment kind of helps me get into the mood. He rubs my neck and back and shows me that he does care and that just tunes me into him.
Hopefully you will find a medium that you and your husband can work with.
C.

I don't have a ton of advice except for you to figure out what you like and let your hubby know. It never hurts to try out new things. I'm sure he would be happy to oblige. He might even dig you telling him what to do. If something's not working for you, let him know. If you haven't been enjoying what you do together that could play a huge factor in your sex drive! Communication is a bigger part of intimacy than most people realize. Also, maybe the two of you should schedule a date night and just devote an evening to each other. No kids, just whatever you two enjoy together. Maybe that would make you feel like you're getting more of the kind of attention you want and need. As for the butt smacking, my hubby does and I practically have to knock him out to get him to quit. It must just be some damaged man thing. Good luck!

M., Girl you know you have a full plate.But you know what it sounds like that is his way of showing you that he loves you and that he thanks you for what you do and i belive he wants to show how much you mean to him men they have a very strange way of showing affection.Itell you be thankful that you have him,Be very careful how you handle him becouse men when you turn them off then they will try somthing new. meaning that once he stops we worrie, and say how come you dont touch me any more.Not saying it will happen to you but in genral.Good luck

Dear M.,

Its funny that you are bringing this up today, my husband and I had a sort of similar situation happen last night. I work fulltime and since our daughter was born my sex drive has been real hit and miss. For the first year, especially while I was nursing, I had a really difficult time relating to my husband physically. Lately I have been better about responding to him, but I have to focus on the fact that this is not a chore.

However, last night my daughter was off her schedule and cranky, I had a horrible day at work, I had been fighting a migraine for two days and to top things off I had a raging case of PMS. All I wanted to do was read my book and fall asleep. He had other ideas, his solution to my migraine was to ask if I was horny. I asked if he was joking?! Feeling sexy was the last thing on my mind. I knew just by looking at his face he was not going to let this go. Thought I can either hurt his feelings or I could give in and at least one of us would go to sleep happy.

So, I went with plan B. What the heck inccreased blood circulation is supposed to help releave migranes. Guess what, I actually enjoyed myself dropped off into a deep sleep and the head is better today. By letting him know that I was willing to try, but need a little help warming up to the idea we both came out winners.

Sex should never become a chore like doing the laundry, vacuming, or changing diapers. It is one of the ways we can truely feel bonded to each other. I have discovered that making sure I kiss and hug my husband frequently each day helps us feel less cheated by our lowered sex drive. It also makes get in things reved up a lot easier for me. Saying I love you is also important.

Best wishes,

J.

P.S. - He also does the grabbing thing. He thinks it is funny when I jump. I just tell him if I hit my head he is going to feel really guilty. Then I do and he does, but is doesnt stop him. Men are just little boys in big bodies some days.

Do you have a hidden camera on my husband and I? Sounds just like me. To the point when we cuddle to watch a movie it pisses me off because I know that he is just wanting to do it so I would rather not cuddle. We have been working on this because IT became such a chore for me I would get pissy during it. I work FT have a PT gig a 1 year old and am a full time maid and I am sure you are. I get really really tired. I get up at 5 so when I get to bed at 10:30 and he starts rubbing on me I get irritated to the max!! We started going to bed at 9:00 so I can get more sleep and he knows to only rub on me every other day. I was to the point that I hated sex!!! I am only 26 and should like it right? But I don't. Sleep is way more valuable to me. Glad to hear that someone else is having this problem so that I don't feel like a freakishly bad wife. No advice except maybe drink like once a week and then when you are drunk it won't bug you so much:) My hubby is a romantic but I am not really and feel bad. I am trying to make an effort by sending sweet emails and leaving notes. Good luck, I don't really have much advice because we are in the same situation as you guys. Let me know if you hear anything good!! ____@____.com
K.

I don't know what it is about men and "grabbing" our body parts. My husband likes to do the same. He pinches my butt or his "other" favorate thing to do is pinch my nipples. I am starting to hate him putting his hands on my breasts. Its not cute and it hurts sometimes...especially since i am still pumping milk for the baby. My husband only pays attention to me when he wants to get "busy". That can be frustrating and hurtful too. We used to have sex almost every day. Now we have sex once a week. I just don't find it sexy to pinch or grope my body parts at all times of the day when "any" of the kids could walk in and see him. Okay. This probably didn't help but it felt good to vent. Sorry i could not help.

YES and a hormonal imbalance is to blame. First you should check with your doctor that your Thyroid hormone is at acceptable levels or anything else. Once you know that your body is doing it's job then you can work on your husband. Sex is 75% mental and only 20% physical. He can get a mental rush by feeling your butt, so you need to find something about him that you can get that mental rush from. Get him to leave you cards and flowers or bring them home one special night a week.

Start by picking a date night and set parameters for the date. Like the older kids are responsible for the younger kids from supper time on and all they have to do is pay for the pizza or chinese food. You are going to soak in the tub with that special bubble bath you got last Christmas and never opened. Dress up (buy a special set of undies just for these nights, go the whole 9 yards: makeup, stockings, push up bra. Even if your body isn't what you want it to be dress like you have a fabulous body.

When your hubby arrives he needs to shower and shave while you are dressing. Kiss all the kids good bye pick up your flowers and card and take them to the car with you. You're going to go to a real sit down restaurant and talking about anything at the house is not allowed. nor is talking about his day at work. This is your time to converse about yourselves. He is permitted to talk about wanting rip all your clothes off only if it's loaded with compliments and no dirty talk. Linger over dinner and drinks although if you two intend to drink you might want to take a cab to and home from the restaruant. Arrive home late enough that all the kids are in bed. (train the older ones to handle the little one's bedtime routines before date night) If they aren't all in bed suggest a late night video game and go straight to bed yourselves. Do it even if you are too tired some times all you need is to feel the pressure and sensation to flip the switch. It will happen eventually. Once you are done you both need to get up put the rest of the house to bed together and come back to bed together.

Now lets talk division of labor. There's nothing sexier than a man that does dishes or laundry. Helping you do these things can and will get you into bed sooner with more time for sex before you are too exhausted. Plus you have 5-6 kids that can help out around the house as well and should. Each should have a chore that changes each week so that they all know how to do them and will be prepared when they move out.

Finally let's set the scene. Clear out all the extra stuff from the bedroom Try Fly Lady's decluttering schedule. Keep that room as neat as possible. Beautiful things should be everywhere including things that the children have made for you. But dirty laundry, kids, paperwork and projects should not be in this room. This is your sanctuary, treat it that way and you'll feel more relaxed to have sex.

I think I have covered everything but if you think you need more then try getting Dr. Phil's Relationship Rescue. I'm pretty sure he'll say the same thing.

Take care,

You're preachin to the choir sister. Are you one of the Super Mom's that tends to everything and doesn't have time for herself. When you do for others so much and forget to do for yourself you self esteem, energy level, and resentment will go up. In your little about me you pretty much identified your own problem. You're a middle aged stay at home Mom of six children, that would love to go back to school. What it sounds like to me is that you too busy taking care of everyone else and are putting yourself on the back burner. Start divying out those chores to the children and get yourself back in school. You'd be amazed on how much taking care of yourself will help you take care of others and help you find your enthusiasm again.

Are you guys crazy, I love it when my husband grabs me like I am a decoration (or a pole dancer). NOT!! I can't stand that, it always creeps me out. What does he expect me to jump on him and say "oh ya lets get it on". I don't think so...seriously.
I can totally understand where you are coming from. I to haven't had a sex drive since my daughter (who is soon to be 2) was born.
I can't find time to do it. I have my daughter, school and work. You also have a lot of things going on, who has time for a half an hour romp. You know what...even if I had the time I would spend it sleeping.
Sorry I am not much help, just letting you know I am in the same boat.

I can relate to all of you on this subject. I am a mother of 3 kids (11,10,2) with a in home daycare. We have been married for 4 yrs and our sex was the best until I got pregnant with our youngest. He knew then that it was due to the pregnancy. Once I had our son I guess he thought that it would come back but it didnt. I have tried telling him that with the baby it wears me out alot along with all the house work and all the erands that I have to do. Then it became "are you having an affair?" Once I reasurred him that I wasnt and that him pawing over me really was alot of the turn off along with dealing with everything else on my own. So the pawing stoped thanks goodness!! I am the type of person that I will do with out on alot of things so others can have what they want. So if we are out shopping and he is hoping to get lucky that night he will see that I would stop and look at something and then he will through it in the cart and buy it. HAHA I caught onto that trick and I just dont look when he is with me. lol So we have not found a happy medium...I know now when he is in the mood because he will shave on the nights that he wants it. Yes he doesnt shave often well atleast once a week. He has learned that I dont like to feel his wiskers rubbing all over my body so thats why he shaves. Now if he shaves and I still take a few more days then he might rub on me while hugging but he knows to rub only a few min. then he says ok ok Ill back off cause I you dont like it but I cant help myself cause I am horney. By this time I know that he really needs me so if I need to I will take short cuts that night so I am not so tired. I feel bad because he is lucky to get it aleast once a month but I am just NEVER in the mood anymore.
Sorry my story was so long but I though I might share it with everyone I just hope I didnt get to personal here. I guess I am saying I am in the same boat as all of you. If you happen to find something that works please email me too. ____@____.com Maybe he will get luckier and get it more than once a month.
Good Luck,
K.

I am in my late 20s with an 8 yr old child and i have ZERO sex drive. i don't know what i'd do with 6 kids!
A couple of years ago i read that BC pills may lower sex drive. so i went off them for at least a year but drive didn't increase.
I've told him that i'm not a light switch - i can't just turn it on once we crawl into bed - and that it might help if he tries romancing or seducing me thru the evening. He hasn't bothered to try that so i can't tell you if it works or not.
He does the butt grabbing etc and it irritates me. (I recently discovered that my friend has the same problem with her s/o. I thought i was alone until that point.) I told my husband i'm going to sue him for sexual harassment ;) But it has crossed my mind that i'd miss it terribly if i lost him (my mom lost my dad when i was a teen) so i try to tolerate it. but i don't like it.
I've tried the toys and lotions but it doesn't do much for me personally.
I've read articles that say a date night is important for married couples, and that it should be just the two of you and away from the house - so that you aren't thinking of everyday chores etc. I know it's very rare for us to get away just the two of us, so i'm not sure how possible it is for you. Maybe a family member could come by once a week for you two to go to dinner or a movie, or just a walk in a park?
Sorry, i as most of the other moms, are in the same boat and don't have much advice, but wanted to send a "you are not alone" shout out. BTW, when are they going to make a Viagra for women?? i might have to try some of those Passion Party pills!

This might be a little wierd to say but I was in a similar situation and found that some toys here and there to spice things up actually helped. I kept it a secret and surprised him one night with something simple lotions etc. and then we kinda got into toys and stuff later on. It's not a consistant thing but there are times where it just livens things up. Try having a adult party and invite your girlfriends then you can get some of the stuff for free...then if you don't like the idea of it still then you arent out any money. Don't know if this will help you but maybe.

I completely understand the lack of sex drive, bottom of the list, chore feeling. With my husband we started off for about the first 6 months after we met where we were pretty active. After that, it started to dwindle away (which for me has always been typical). After we had gotten married and been married for about 3 years, we ended up separating because he got tired of not feeling wanted and I got tired of him constantly making comments that made me uncomfortable because I felt bad that I wasn't in the mood. He also did the, grab my bottom everytime I would bend over or be going up the stairs in front of him. When we got back together to try to work things out (there were more than just those issues), I explained to him how he was making me feel. Though he still does this from time to time, I let it go initially and if he doesn't stop after a short time, then I say something to him about how uncomfortable he is making me. I also try to make sure that I don't "always" turn him away when he indicates that he is in the mood. It doesn't really make things better for either one of us, but it makes it more workable on most days.

Like you, I love my husband and find him attractive, but I have no desire or drive to be sexually intimate. I hate it because I hate how it makes him feel, but I haven't found any way around it.

I lost mine about 2 years ago, and I don't know where it went! If someone finds it, I'd like it back, heh.
Lack of sex is one of our biggest probs right now, and I have tried to be "accomodating" but he knows I'm not into it, and then he gets all pouty and just gets up and leaves the room. I just honestly don't feel anything exciting down below, and I'd rather be sleeping. I have my two little boys climbing all over me during the day, and I don't really want a big boy pawing me all night. I get touched out. My dh does the butt-slap thing too, and I really REALLY hate it! He also does this eyebrow waggle thing and this awful leer, and frankly it makes me queasy. It is NOT a turn-on. And he is not at all romantic; never has been. I was always the romantic one, and I'm just too tired to put forth the effort right now.
So, I too have no real advice for you, just wanted to add my voice to the "You're not alone" cry!
If anyone tells you something that works, please let the rest of us know. There are some lonely hubbies out there who would really thank you for that! ;)
Good luck!

J.

I'm so glad that I found someone else who has this problem. I just joined so I'm late but I just thought I would tell you that your question helped me too! Good luck! I know what your dealing with! And my husband understands yours. They should probably start a club! lol

Lucky you, this is my business! I talk with women in your same situation all the time. I do Passion Parties, and my job is to help enhance ladies' relationships. There are several suggestions that I have for you...

We offer a product called Pure Satisfaction UniSEX Enhancement Gel, and Pure Satisfaction UniSEX Enhancement Tablets. The gel is a product to help get you in the mood right there and then, the tablets are a supplement you take daily that helps raise your sex drive.

Another suggestion would be to try making more romantic for yourself... try lighting some candles, turning on some soft music and giving each other a massage. I know that sounds cheesey, but sometimes the simple things make it so much better. If you enjoy the massage and the positive touching (verses feeling like he's just grabbing you to "do it")it might help you feel more excited about making love and being intimate.

If you want more tips, just send me a message or give me a call! I'd be happy to offer up further suggestions if you'd like!

Good luck!
~A.
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